Alcoholics Anonymous to Streamline Outdated Twelve-Step Program.....

New York, NY- In response to mounting criticism from addiction experts and sagging membership among Generation Z alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous has announced that it will revise their twelve guiding principles, or steps, for the first time since the original publication of "The Big Book" in 1939.

Alcoholic zoomers, shown here all like, "Hey, check out this website for Alcoholics Anonymous. They totally get us. Radical!"

"The world has changed in the 86 years since Bob Smith first took his last drink," Alcoholics Anonymous General Service Board Chairperson Linda Chezem explained. "Today's modern alcoholic is looking for a faster paced, streamlined, and more engaging program, and Alcoholics Anonymous is nothing if not malleable and open to new ideas."

The biggest challenge for the team at Alcoholics Anonymous was deciding which steps could be updated with a younger audience in mind, and which steps weren't salvageable at all. Chezem admitted, however, that a few of the steps were pretty easy to leave on the cutting room floor. "It's important to be open to change and to admit that alcohol has made your life unmanageable, but does being sober really need to be such a negative experience? Young adults don't want to focus so much on character defects and personal shortcomings, they want to feel special...because they are special!”   

Actor Cole S., shown here portraying Jughead Jones on Riverdale, will be heavily featured on the new Alcoholics Anonymous TikTok account

Alcoholics Anonymous will begin rolling out the updated steps later this month and plan additional changes next year. According to Chezem, these "Phase 2" changes will likely be the most controversial. "We won't be discouraging drinking by focusing on our failures as human being so much as encouraging sobriety with delicious mocktail recipes and fun themed meetings, like Mocktoberfest Mondays and Riverdale viewing parties. And getting rid of all the secrecy, with out “Full Name Fridays!” campaign, will be a big step towards reducing the stigma still faced by alcoholics."