New Study Finds that Children are in Constant Danger.....

Tucson, AZ- Shocking new research funded by the Institute for Safe Children (ISC), a Republican think tank based out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix, is revealing that virtually all children, regardless of their age and location, are in constant and serious danger.

A group of young children smiling as they imagine a country ruled by conservative leaders, without the fear of a man giving back to his community by reading to children at a local library while wearing make-up and a dress

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Hank Whiteman explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certainly going to die at any moment from something. Probably not anything you would think of either, but something you've never heard of and can do nothing to prevent except for helping to save the country from Pelosi, election fraud, activist Democrat judges, CRT, woke, and open borders in November."

The research, which involved surveys of nationally syndicated conservative talk radio hosts, registered voters in Wyoming, people yelling at school board meetings, that guy at work who still says "let's go Brandon", and republican governors, does have its critics. Mort Fishman, a pediatrician and vocal member of the American College of Pediatricians, is concerned that the announcement of the study's findings might mislead some parents:

"The media coverage so far has only focused only on nebulous claims of imminent yet undefined danger facing all children everywhere, leaving families to come up with their own nightmare scenarios. And while the data clearly does support the near certainty of every child's painful and agonizing demise, probably when their parents least suspect it, caregivers must also be made aware of all the specific recognized threats to their children as well as how it's all Biden and the Democrats fault."

Fishman recommends that parents take at least a few hours out of every day to practice what he calls "focused fear". This involves dedicated visualization of their child being murdered by an immigrant, eating mouthfuls of rainbow fentanyl given to them by a stranger on Halloween, being forcibly vaccinated with an experimental drug that controls their DNA, learning about evolution in school, watching a grandparent suffer the indignity of receiving social security retirement benefits, or seeing two adult men lovingly hold hands while walking in the park. “Really surrender to the fear and shoot for a heart rate of about 180 beats per minute.”