Washington, D.C. - New research investigating the nation's response to rising numbers of infections and hospitalizations during the first several months of the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic has revealed some surprising complications related to strict hospital policies aimed at reducing spread of the deadly disease.
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| Steve Dilton, shown here explaining the plot of Weekend at Bernie's to somebody else's damn kid |
"We didn't realize it wasn't our baby until we got home and took his mask off for a feeding." disgruntled parent Steve Dilton explained. "And with the hospital's no return policy, it's going to take a lot more than an angry Facebook post to get him back."
Precautions such as the forced masking of all hospital patients and visitors that resulted in thousands of newborns going home with the wrong families have continued in many hospitals despite the public and mainstream media having largely moved on to more important world events, such as the death of Queen Elizabeth, the discovery that she was actually still alive, and finally the revelation that she had been dead all along and that Andrew was just doing a whole Weekend at Bernie's thing. But according to the government report's lead author Chance Weatherbean, the incidence of these mix-ups has decreased dramatically as hospitals have implement new identification measures. "Babies are now attached to their mothers using little pink or blue knitted handcuffs, and it's adorable."
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