Fraggle Rock, Idaho - After several days of intense rescue efforts by an experienced team of Doozers, attempts at retrieving a group of Fraggles has been called off. The 22-inch tall underground dwelling humanoids that had been caught in a cave-in last week have now officially been declared dead.
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| Last surviving Fraggle Red, shown here drowning her sorrows in a cup of Boober's kohlrabi juice while missing her best friend Mokey, though taking some solace in her belief that Lanford is burning in hell like he deserves |
"I knew this would happen eventually," Red, a Fraggle who is now believed to be the last surviving member of the species, explained."It was only a matter of time before Gobo went and got himself killed, and I always worried that he would drag the rest of us down with him with his exploring. But ultimately it's that damn Travelling Matt's fault!"
A number of theories have been proposed as to why the near entirety of the Fraggle population had gathered in one of the lesser-known caves. Many Fraggleologists, based on a 5-year long documentary of Fraggle life filmed from 1983 to 1987, are convinced that the group was searching for a fresh supply of tasty Doozer scaffolding. A competing theory involves the establishment of a Fraggle cult built around the worship of an all-knowing and all-seeing Trash Heap.
Not everyone is upset about the tragic demise of the colorful critters, who were known for their love of radishes and music. According to Ma Gorg, the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, Fraggles were a nuisance that won't be missed. "Good riddance to those pests, those radish-stealing vermin!" Silly creature from outer space, and former North American Society of Tinkerers' Man of the Year Jerome Crystal seemed similarly unconcerned by the deadly accident. "What's a Fraggle? Did Shimmelfinney put you up to this?"
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