Halloween 2023 Fails to Invigorate Reeling Drug Dealer Economy.....

Washington, D.C. - Hopes for a Halloween boost to the illicit drug market failed to materialize in 2023, and the nation's dealers are once again left scratching their heads and scrambling to come up with new ideas.

Five trick-or-treating children, only one of which would go on to become a repeat customer after taking home some FUNtanyl-laced candy

"We really thought that this was going to be the Halloween that turned things around for us," Fentanyl Suppliers of American (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "With parents distracted by what's going on with Israel and Hamas, the ongoing civil and criminal trials involving a former president, and the whole thing with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, this seemed like the perfect year to give our products away for free to children by hiding it in candy and then sit back and watch the money pour in somehow. Is it me? Am I bad at my job?"

The FSA, which manages the supply and marketing of fentanyl and several other well known illegal drugs in the United States, has had more misses than hits in recent years when it comes to product promotion. According to Gunderson, however, the buck stops with him. "This is totally on me, but don't count me out just yet. I've got a few great ideas and some big plans for 2024."

Thanks to a source that works at FSA, who we will refer to as Drawl G. in order to protect their identity, wait, that's too obvious...let's go with D. Gunderson, Knudsen's News has obtained a list of potential ideas for marketing drugs to American consumers:

1. A Superbowl ad where Charli D'Amelio offers some edibles to a group of IDF soldiers and Hamas militants in order to help ease tensions, with both groups erupting into a choreographed dance routine to a song from Dixie's new album.

2. A commercial where a young black boy shares his feelings of grief and abandonment with a local drug dealer who helps him to understand that dropping acid is a way to feel connected to his recently deceased father.

3. New Cocaine (TOP SECRET: then after a few months we switch back to Classic Cocaine!)

4. Roll out a pink Himalayan crystal meth in some markets to appeal to New Age addicts

5. Rebranding N-(1-(2-phenethyl)-4-piperidinyl-N-phenyl-propanamide with a series of print and online ads where a bunch of attractive models liven up a boring pool party with some FUNtanyl-laced Molly.