Phoenix, AZ - Integrative scientists working at the University of Arizona held a press conference recently to announce the discovery of working animal model for the condition known as electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), a breakthrough which might help to unravel the mystery behind the condition and lead to new treatment options.
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| Mitty Bolton, shown here experiencing an intense feeling of splenic ennui due to the WiFi from a passenger plane passing 30,000 above her specially designed Faraday yurt |
Unable to leave her protective housing unit out of fear of feeling tired or developing muscle aches by the end of the day, Mitty Bolton has spent the past five years waiting for any good news for people suffering with EHS. "I just can't believe it," the 43-year-old data analyst explained through a tin can on the end of a string while completely covered in magnetic shielding foil. "My dream is to one day be able to turn my electricity back on and to reconnect with the world. You know, to buy a book at Borders or go to an Amy Winehouse concert."
The integrative research team at the University of Arizona, composed of a highly trained team of chiropractors, acupuncturists, and naturopaths, are optimistic about the discovery's implications. "This is the kind of scientific breakthrough that just might lead to a cure for patients with this debilitating illness," lead researcher Belt McCummings explained. "Now we can truly get to work on figuring out the pathophysiology of EHS and measuring the response to various therapies without needing to rely on housing human subjects in the bunker we built half a mile underground. I expect the pace of our research to increase dramatically."
Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is a condition caused by the exposure of sensitive individuals to electromagnetic fields (EMF), and is thought to affect about 5% of the population. EMF can be found around anything powered by electricity, and in particular is concentrated in areas with wireless internet, cell phones, and baby monitors. According to Dr. McCummings, patients typically complain of a wide variety of symptoms, such as fatigue, sluggish thinking, feeling stressed or depressed, poor sleep, prickly or burning sensations, muscle aches, and many other highly non-specific health concerns.
Until now, complementary and alternative researchers have been forced to study the disease in human patients, many of which have been unable to pay in cash and are really annoying. A suitable animal model, just like those used by western medical researchers near Harvard to investigate emergencies like broken bones and severed limbs, which is all that stuff is good for anyway, has long been sought after. One has now finally been found, and in a very unlikely place: Burbank. And it was just sitting right there this whole time!
There is no reliable diagnostic test or cure for EHS, but a long and diverse list of therapies, such as plectal scraping or reverse electrocosmosis by a certified space reiki specialist, have shown promise. Avoidance of EMF altogether, or at least the placement of special shielding in the home, is commonly attempted but difficult and expensive. Acupuncture, chiropractic, and dietary changes are popular with many patients, but none have stood out as a definitive cure. Psychiatric therapy and even pharmacologic interventions have also been tried, but they are unnatural and gross.
Dr. McCummings, who in addition to his work as an integrative researcher is also a practicing doctor of Naturopathy, always keeps an open mind. "Integrative research is full of surprises. Like how the animal model for EHS is so similar to the one for many other conditions that I treat. But what could the connection between WiFi allergy, chronic Lyme disease, and that thing in Cuba with the sound waves be?"
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