More Pregnant Women are Choosing "5G Free" Deliveries.....

Waco, TX- When Jalinda Appleton sat down with her life partner, doula, and priestess midwife in November to plan out her upcoming delivery at the Steve Martin Pre-Memorial Birthing Center in Waco, she had a lot of things to worry about. Would she deliver in a birthing tank with or without dolphins? Would she have a natural delivery augmented by a live band or a DJ? Would the birthing suite have enough light for the daguerreotypist she had hired to capture the moment her child comes forth into the world on a photosensitive silver-plated copper sheet?

Early attempts at protecting newborn infants from radiofrequency electromagnetic fields were clumsy and did not protect the face, which many babies use for breathing and eating. 

But there was one problem that Appleton wouldn't have to worry about. Like a growing number of mothers in the United States, she had already decided to have a "5G Free" delivery, believing that it would give her new baby the best start in life. But what exactly is a 5G Free delivery, and why are you a terrible mother for not choosing it yourself? The answer can be found using science, a 5,000-year-old practice that has been traced back to ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia.

"There are thousands of scientific studies showing that electromagnetic fields are harmful to humans," Mort Fishman, a radiologist near Stanford and a member of the White House Science Force, explained. "You wouldn't let your baby stare into the sun, right? Or put them in a microwave. Why would you expose them to any non-ionizing radiation. It's radiation!"

In the past, new parents that were wary of their baby developing health problems caused by electromagnetic fields had to wrap them from head to toe in foil blankets. But this made normal newborn activities like breathing, eating, and silent judging more difficult, so parents would frequently leave the face uncovered. Many of these babies went on to develop a host of ailments like asthma, ADHD, autism, and cancer. And virtually all of them eventually died within 70-90 years.

As more women sought out more effective ways to protect their newborns from non-ionizing radiation, birthing centers and hospitals began to take notice. Conoco Phillips, a pioneer in the field of of human EMF shielding and owner of the Lil' Tots FaraDay Care in downtown Cleveland, had the idea that eventually led to the development of the 5G Free deliveries being performed today around the world. "I knew women who would bring these crude metal cages to the hospital to place around their child's bassinet, but they had to be lifted up and moved every time the baby needed to be cared for and mothers still had to rely on foil blankets when they wanted to feed or simply hold their baby. I thought to myself, they can do better than that."

And they did do better, eventually incorporating NASA grade EMF shielding capable of blocking all electromagnetic fields into the very walls of birthing centers and hospital labor and delivery units in an ingenious way. According to Phillips, the key was combining conductive polymers into a paint used to cover interior walls and ceilings. "It's powerful enough to block all EMF, including 5G. Nothing gets through this stuff. Nothing gets in, or out. Nothing."

When Appleton finally delivered her new baby, a healthy and vigorous girl named Flower Basket, she took comfort in the fact that her baby was protected from electromagnetic fields. But she was also realistic about the future. "I know that I can't protect her forever. At some point, my baby is going to be exposed. It's going to happen. But delaying the inevitable, even by just a few hours or maybe a day depending on my recovery, might be the difference between a healthy life full of promise and the inexorable decline into the emptiness of the void."

More Hospitals are Making Some Surgical Procedures 100% Virtual

Minot, ND- As cases of novel coronavirus infections rise, more hospitals in the Dakotas are choosing to make some surgical procedures 100% virtual, such as draining abscesses, skin biopsies, and uncomplicated appendectomies, in order to keep more beds available for patients with COVID-19 and other serious conditions.

A white, male physician, shown here holding a clipboard, showing his privilege, and...I don't know...mansplaining?

"We put a lot of thought into this decision," Sanford Health CEO Bill Gassen explained. "It wasn't easy, and we all feel a bit backed into a corner here, but we have to prepare for the worst. And frankly, a lot of people do this anyway in the Dakotas. It'll be fine."

Gassen further revealed that prior to each procedure a patient will receive all necessary supplies by courier. This will include a detailed discussion of the risks and benefits of the procedure in writing, as well as technical step by step instructions, and there will be pre-recorded YouTube videos available online. A board certified medical doctor or surgeon will be available via Zoom to troubleshoot any difficulties that arise, or to pronounce death.

Despite reassurances from Gassen and other hospital system administrators, not everyone is on board with the decision. Some, like orthopedic surgeon Mort Fishman, are concerned that the new policy will result in unforeseen adverse outcomes. "What if the patient, or their designated surrogate, is unable to complete the procedure? Do I still get paid?"

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: It's Time to Pass That Kidney Stone Naturally.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch has passed over a dozen kidney stones and helped thousands more pass them naturally, the way Greb intended

Kidney stones are one of the most common stones found in the human body, yet their origins remain a mystery. Did they develop over time because of lifestyle choices or, as I'm inclined to believe, were they put there by some kind of higher power to teach us a lesson about humanity. Either way, kidney stones are something that define us as a species. No other animal, not even the Pitted Skunk Viper, has ever been found to have kidney stones.

To make kidney stones is human!

The best time to start thinking about how you want to pass your kidney stone is before you have one. It may be hard to believe, but many people don't have a written passage plan ready to go when the waves of pain, nausea, and bloody urine hit. But thanks to thousands of years of accumulated traditional health wisdom, and even a bit of knowledge that comes to us from those fathead eggheads in their modern medical ivory towers, there are now many options to choose from. But when faced with the choice of either a life-changing experience or becoming just another overmedicalized healthcare statistic, isn't the best option clear? Do you want a beautiful memory or just a few millimeters of concreted calcium to take home in a specimen cup?

You can has both!

Natural kidney stone passage is becoming increasingly common these days. That's because there are so many amazing reasons why you should consider doing it! One of the biggest complaints that my patients have after undergoing the conventional medical approach is the lack of freedom of movement. Doctors want you to stay in bed, but a study near Harvard found that certain yoga positions increase patient satisfaction with the passage of their stone by a quartile.

Near Harvard!

With natural stone passage, you choose when and where you want to the experience to happen, whether it's at home, at work, at the gym in the car, at the grocery store, or in a suite at a holistic passage center under the care of a certified stone matron. Modern pharmaceutical and surgical interventions have risks and can be uncomfortable, but did you know that a simple 5:2 admixture of elk chyme and fern gullet can ease the passage of your kidney stone, and it always works as long as you want it to badly enough. I bet your doctor doesn't know and will probably act like your crazy if you even ask about it. I wonder why.

Doctors don't want you to know about my remedies!

As a practicing nutritionologist with centuries of experience, I can't remember any patient under my care whose kidney stone took longer to pass than it was supposed to. Each stone has a natural rhythm that should not be interfered with by chemicals, toxic shock waves, or failure to pay up front. And virtually all of my patients that have come back for a follow-up visit at The Health Patrol clinic have been satisfied with my services. 

Pay up front!

Using drugs to numb your body, or surgical procedures to remove your stone, is artificial and unnatural. Instead, make a memory that will last a lifetime. Passing your stone naturally will be an experience that you can treasure and that will inspire greatness in all you do! Natural stone passage will give you confidence in all aspects of life. You will never look back and wonder if you made the right choice. You will gaze into the future and be ready for whatever is in store. But it isn't all about you and your experience. Natural passage is also better for the stone!

Don't be so selfish!

When push comes to shove, you really have nothing to lose. That was an attempt at humor to lighten the mood and make me seem more relatable to people like you, regular dummies with no particular expertise in these things. But why not try? Come in today for my Fall Into Savings Natural Kidney Stone Passage Package. It includes a full spectral analysis, a plectal scraping, a hand muddled remedy, and free access to one of our amazing passage suites (first 15 minutes free, $50 for each additional quarter hour). Can you really put a price on the experience of a lifetime? Yes! It's $199.95!

Solomon Grundy Calls for National Mask Mandate.....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ- Hoping to calm the fears of millions of concerned Americans as cases of COVID-19 continue to spike in most states, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy is calling for the White House to put a national face mask mandate into place.

Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing the differences between surgical and N95 face masks with a group of hesitant local militia members whose skulls he would later crush with a large boulder

"It's absurd that recommendations for wearing face masks have been met with resistance from certain segments of the population," infectious disease expert Mort Fishman MD explained. "The simple act of wearing a breathable material that can block droplets coughed out by someone else, or keep your droplets from reaching others, is based on science that is as solid as it gets. If a murderous brute like Grundy gets it, what the hell is Trump's problem?"

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while working on a masters degree in public health. He is calling for a nationwide face mask mandate and believes that enforcement needs to be a priority. "Masks good! Wear masks! Don't make Solomon Grundy angry! Me have cousin with asthma!"

SDNY Announces Indictments in Newborn Apgar Score Bribery Scandal.....

New York - The United States District Court for the Southern District of New York has announced indictments against several physicians participating in a statewide bribery scandal involving the inflation of newborn infant assessment scores in exchange for money, cars, vacation homes, and numerous other high value payments.

Newborn baby Ramp Hammelstein, shown here being informed that his 5-minute Apgar score was 7, faces a life of manual labor with minimal if any contribution to society.

"For a few thousand dollars or a trip to the Seychelles, these doctors were giving sometimes two or even three extra points on a newborn's Apgar scores," U.S. Attorney Audrey Strauss revealed. "This might make the difference between admission to a premier daycare, with a successful future practically guaranteed, and being dropped off at a KinderCare."

According to Dr. Mort Fishman, a newborn specialist at Amazon's Employee Delivery Warehouse, the Apgar score was developed in 1952 by a committee of educational professionals, labor and delivery nurses, hospital administrators, concerned parents, and the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee. "The baby is evaluated on five simple criteria using a scale from 0 to 2. After adding up the five results, that total is then multiplied by one and translated into a narrative description of the child's potential. It really couldn't be simpler."

More Parents Relying on Fetal Body Language Analysis.....

Newark, NJ - A recent Parenting Magazine survey has revealed that more parents-to-be are taking advantage of fetal body language analysis using prenatal ultrasound to help plan for their new arrival.

A licensed fetal body language expert, shown here explaining to new parents that their baby loves Drake and...ummm...let's just say football. Yeah, football. That's not racist, right?

"There is so much uncertainty out there for new parents," Kim Jacobs, fetal body language expert and owner of the Getting to Know You 4D Ultrasound Studio in Newark, explained. "What is the baby's favorite color? Do they want to be fed breast milk or formula? What pronouns should the medical team use? Parents are desperate for any information that might help them prepare."

The use of cutting edge 4D ultrasound systems has revolutionized fetal body language analysis. In the past, experts were forced to make a stupid flip book from a bunch of printed ultrasound pictures in order to perform an analysis. Now they can acquire and display 3D data sets in real time, just like a movie in the DC Extended Universe. This allows for analysis that is a quartile more accurate.

Though the science of fetal body language analysis is still in its infancy, testimonials from pleased parents are already piling up. Recent Getting to Know You clients Wild and Carli Howell are helping to spread the word around Newark. "We loved learning about her personality and her preferences before the birth. It helped us prepare. It gave us hope."

Ear Acupuncture May Benefit Patients with Penetrating Neck Wounds.....

Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of an ancient Chinese needle-based therapy are optimistic after the publication of a study looking into the use of ear acupuncture in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds.

Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here curing a 25-year-old man with total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by several seconds

"We compared verum ear acupuncture plus usual care to usual care alone in severe knife wounds of the neck," lead researcher at University of New Mexico's Center for Studies, Dr. Flip Watkins, explained. "Though the subjects all died, there was an intriguing statistical trend towards slower death in the acupuncture group."

The study, which was published this week in Online Publishing Module #37,211 - Critical Care Acupuncture, involved a convenience sample of subjects with deep neck wounds who were randomized into treatment and usual care groups. According to Dr. Watkins, choosing the right acupuncture points to use was key to the methodological rigor of the study. "We focused on ancient Chinese texts dating back 5,000 years and determined that the ear acupuncture points corresponding to general neck health and also blood vessel integrity were the most likely to yield positive results."

Once the study concluded, a team of top statisticians set to work running the outcomes through a number of complicated algorithms using powerful graphing calculators on loan from the North Albuquerque Space Administration (NASA). What they found raised more questions than it answered, according to Chief of Complementary and Alternative Mathematics (CAM) Allyson Sanders. "Although none of the results were statistically significant, we've all got a really good feeling about this. More research is definitely needed."