Alabama Executes Man Using New and Controversial Method.....

Atmore, AL - Alabama has put an inmate to death using a giant magnifying glass, a never before used execution method that the state claims was humane, and pretty exciting for the people watching, but critics are calling the approach cruel and experimental.

A young child in Alabama practicing executions on insects with a state issued magnifying glass

Kenneth Eugene Smith, a 58-year-old convicted killer whose 2022 lethal injection was called off at the last minute because of difficulty establishing IV access, was pronounced incinerated at a south Alabama prison in Atmore yesterday. This was the first time that this particular method of execution has been used, and it will likely replace lethal injection, which was first introduced in 1982.

"It's simple physics," American mechanical engineer, science communicator, and television presenter Bill Nye explained. "The convex glass refracted rays of light from the Sun, focusing the photons into a highly localized area that resulted in an extremely high temperature. All Alabama needed was the giant magnifying glass, the crane, a sunny day, and an empty void to consume every last shred of human decency left in their black and shriveled hearts."

Attorneys representing Smith worked to have the courts put a stop to the execution, arguing that more scrutiny of the method was necessary.  The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals recently rejected claims that death by magnifying glass falls under the ban of cruel and unusual punishment and the Supreme Court did not accept that a second execution attempt would be unconstitutional. According to Justice Clarence Thomas, who took time from his vacation at a luxury resort on Kudadoo Island in the Maldives, he is looking forward to seeing footage of the execution. "This should be interesting, and it is exactly what the founders of this country were thinking of when writing the Constitution."

According to State law, Alabama first released Smith into a small fenced in area near the prison as the magnifying glass was being lifted by the crane to catch the sunlight. Alabama governor Kay Ivey, who was in attendance and had a great time according to witnesses, discussed the process during a recent visit to an elementary school in Birmingham. "You see, children, Alabama believes in giving people a fighting chance. Mr. Smith can run but he's gonna tire out eventually, and then he's gonna burn. Now who wants a cookie?"

Some medical experts had raised the alarm about the execution method being put into action by the state of Alabama. Dr. Mort Fishman, a normal human doctor with a conscience, believes that ignoring the potential risks of an untested method is pretty fucked up. "Problems with aiming the concentrated beam of light could result in severe burn injuries. The victim could suffer and they might not expire for several minutes. Not to mention the potential for catastrophic collateral damage to nearby onlookers and structures should the crane operator make any mistakes in positioning the magnifying glass."

The execution ended up taking roughly 22 minutes from the time between focusing the sunlight into a cohesive beam and throwing a tarp over Smith's charred remains. Smith screamed loudly as the beam made contact with various parts of his body over several minutes. Once his head was engulfed in flames, there were at least two additional minutes of writhing on the ground before he ceased to move.