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Experts are Warning Dog Owners to be on the Lookout for Fentanyl Overdoses.....

Miami, FL - When police officer Chad Blaze was walking the jet black 14-month-old Havanese he had recently adopted from a local animal shelter, the last thing on his mind was the possibility of a fentanyl overdose. But thanks to his training with the Miami Police Department, and the six doses of Narcan that he always keeps in the pockets of his relaxed-fit utility cargo pants, both Corporal Blaze and Chauncey survived. And today they are sharing their experience in the hopes of educating dog owners on the dangers of fentanyl exposure.

Two Cuban drug dealers, shown here looking for customers in a Miami park 

"We had just gotten to the dog park near my condo when it happened," Blaze explained. "Chauncey began to act erratically, pulling on the leash and barking. He was afraid for his life and began to panic, and he was breathing faster than usual with his tongue sticking out of his mouth. I was scared, but that's when the training kicked in."

In the line of duty, Corporal Blaze has had more than his fair share of experience with this dangerous and mysterious drug, which some police toxicologists believe is like heroin on crack, and then on steroids. In addition to suffering from one of the first known cases of mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose, Blaze continues to have chronic fentanyl overdose symptoms almost two years later. "I've come a long way, but knowing that there are traces of fentanyl still somewhere in my body that could strike at any moment is enough to give me a panic attack. And I worry about Chauncey because we just don't know much about the effects of fentanyl on dogs since there aren't doctors for animals."

AAP Releases New Guidelines on Monitoring for Neonatal Hypoglycemia.....

Itaska, IL - Experts in the care of newborn infants from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) have released updated guidelines on the diagnosis and management of low blood sugar in newborn nurseries and neonatal intensive care units.

A group of non-threatening teenagers, shown here just prior to a meal and possibly suffering from undiagnosed hypoglycemia

"Preprandial glucose monitoring should be in place for all infants regardless of gestational age at birth, birthweight, or maternal conditions," Munish Gupta, MD, current chair of the AAP Section on Neonatal-Perinatal Medicine, explained. "And because glucose is such a vital metabolic fuel necessary for brain function and health, we are now recommending that point-of-care testing prior to each meal continue until at least the age of 18 years when a patient can make an informed decision on whether or not to continue the hypoglycemia protocol. I would keep doing it though, just to be safe."

A severe drop in blood glucose can result in irreversible injury to the brain and even death if not corrected in time. According to Gupta, it is vital that treatment protocols are in place that quickly treat hypoglycemia before injury to the brain occurs. "In the nursery, we apply a glucose gel to the infant's cheek that is quickly absorbed through oral mucosa. For older children, I guess you could give them solid food? Like a cookie? I'm sorry, I just do babies."

Nutrition Scientists Discover New Generation of Extremely Powerful Superfoods.....

Sedona, AZ - Researchers at Vortex BioNutraceuticals (formerly the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science) in Sedona have announced the discovery of a new generation of highly evolved superfoods that some experts are claiming will revolutionize health and wellness.

Elmena Hubbard, shown here eating one of the newly discovered superfoods and just prior to registering for her first ultramarathon

"These are superfoods on bioidentical steroids," Vortex BioNutraceuticals (VBN) spokesperson Leap Chantilly explained. "Our team of experts has unlocked the true secret of these nutritional powerhouses, each of which is virtually overflowing with minerals, antioxidants, and epigenetic microbiomes."

Despite the glowing reports from the team at VBN, not all experts in the field of extremely potent foods are convinced of their accuracy. According to Nestor Cloverbean from the Online Food Institute near Harvard, these early results could be misleading. "Calling them superfoods could confuse the public. It's more appropriate to think of them as extreme double superfoods or even ultrafoods considering just how much raw nutrition is packed into every single bite."

More Cardiologists are Recommending Open-Heart Kinesiology Taping.....

Cleveland, OH - Thanks to recent advances in tape technology, more cardiologists are now recommending that their patients undergo early open-heart kinesiology taping rather than more invasive surgical procedures.

A team of Certified Cardiokinesiology Taping Practitioners (CCTP) made up of surgeons, anesthesiologists, and physical therapists, shown here taking a break during an open-heart kinesiology taping of a man with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

"Nobody is arguing that opening the chest in order to access the heart directly is a minor surgery," Mort Fishman, MD, Chief of Integrative Cardiothoracic Surgery at Cleveland Clinic explained. "But the potential complications associated with precision kinesiology taping of heart muscles or valves are far fewer and much less severe than those of an incision into heart muscle or a valve replacement, and that is especially true when compared to the long term problems commonly encountered after heart transplant."

Kinesiology tape is more traditionally linked with the treatment of musculoskeletal injuries and erectile dysfunction. The tape's adhesoelastic properties have also been shown to improve athletic performance by boosting muscle function by over a quartile in some studies. In a similar fashion, cardiokinesiology taping supports heart muscle without limiting heart rate or stroke volume, and promotes healing by improving lymphatic drainage and oxygenation of injured tissue.

Open-heart surgery will still have a place in the treatment of certain serious heart conditions. According to Fishman, integrative cardiothoracic surgery combines traditional Western surgical practices with alternative approaches. "I'm still going to be performing the occasional bypass or thrombectomy. This approach really is the best of both worlds because it truly supports the body's natural healing processes.

Elon Musk Invited to Join First Crewed Boeing Starliner Test Flight.....

Cape Canaveral Space Force Station, FL - In a surprising move by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), billionaire businessman and investor Elon Musk has been invited to take part in the May 6th crewed test flight of Boeing's CST-100 Starliner spacecraft.

Elon Musk, shown here in 2024 competing on American Idol, which he plans to buy if Lionel Ritchie is mean to him

"This will be the first Starliner mission with astronauts aboard," Butch Wilmore, who will command the spacecraft, explained. "The AV-085 Atlas 5 rocket will be used for the launch and we will ultimately dock with the International Space Station (ISP) for a week before landing in the Western US, if everything goes as planned."

Musk, who is one of the wealthiest people in the world and the CEO of both electric car manufacturer Tesla and private space company SpaceX, has stirred controversy since purchasing the social media platform Twitter (now X) in October of 2022. According to mission pilot Suni Williams, an astronaut since 1998 who has logged 322 days in space and the second highest cumulative spacewalk time by a female astronaut, the success of every mission comes down to training and teamwork. "My role as pilot will be to control and operate the spacecraft, to assist the commander as needed, and to ensure that Elon Musk becomes untethered during a spacewalk."

Chiropractic Researchers Study Effects of Eclipse on Spinal Health.....

Falls Church, VA - The April 8th Great North American Eclipse was a once-in-a-lifetime chance for people from Mexico, the United States, and Canada to experience a true wonder of the natural world. It also represented a unique opportunity for chiropractic researchers to study its effects on spinal health.

A woman, shown here in awe as she takes in one of nature's most incredible sights and right before her spine is ripped from her body by the powerful gravitational force of a combined Sun and Moon

"While millions of people were taking in the majesty of the rare celestial phenomenon, we were hard at work in study sites all along the path of totality," chiropractic geophysicist Frank Grimes, DC explained. "We didn't have the luxury to strap on protective goggles and join the crowds. Who even knows when, or even if there will be another eclipse. I mean, we didn't find out about this one until Steve noticed it was getting dark earlier than usual."

The study of eclipses take as much luck as hard work given the random nature of their appearances. According to Grimes, however, expanding our knowledge of how the human spine responds to a sudden blocking of the Sun by the Moon is worth the effort. "A total eclipse allows researchers in relevant chiropractic fields to study changes from the ionosphere down to the individual vertebrae, which might lead to important breakthroughs in clinical practice or exciting new practice building opportunities."

Chiropractors have long served as experts in the diagnosis and treatment of disturbances in the human spine known as subluxations. Subluxations are most primarily linked to common conditions such as neck and back pain, but the development of severe subluxations involving more than one spinal bone can be much more serious. The most concerning subluxation sequelae is Accordion syndrome, first described in 1907 by Robert Accordion, which is when the failure of key support structures results in a total spinal collapse. 

These subluxations, which are often too subtle to be picked up by even advanced medical imaging modalities, have also been discovered in wide variety of non-human animal species when examined by chiropractic experts. Grimes adds that new populations are being found all the time. "We treat horses, elephants, even giraffes. I know a guy who specializes in blue whales. It's inconsistent work, but so rewarding when he gets to watch one head back out to sea with a fully optimized nervous system."

Both the Sun and the Moon are known to have powerful influences over structures on Earth. Anyone who has gotten a sunburn or has been swept out to sea by the ocean tides can attest to that. So it is plausible that their combined might could result in some serious changes to the human body, including the spine. Grimes and his team set out to loo for these changes by evaluating the spines of thousands of patients during the eclipse, and what they found may forever change chiropractic and human healthcare. "They all had subluxations. Every single one of them. And as soon as we fixed one, two more would pop up in its place. I've never seen anything like it, and I attended all six weekends of my fellowship in spinal geophysics."

More Women Turn to Continuous Pregnancy Monitors in Wake of Dobbs Decision.....

Tallahassee, FL - In response to tightening restrictions on access to abortion in many states, more Florida women are turning to a state funded technology that continuously monitors for the onset of pregnancy, allowing more time and more options for seeking medical care.

A Florida woman, shown here just prior to receiving a pregnancy alert text from Steve in the Governor's Office 

"Because of new laws that have emerged in the wake of the Dobbs decision, a lot of women are looking for something to help them feel like they have more autonomy over their bodies and control over their lives," Obstetrician and researcher Mort Fishman, MD explained. "That's where our continuous monitoring system and the database comes into play. When a new pregnancy is confirmed by the device, the state will be alerted and ready to provide guidance, taking a lot of pressure off of the woman."

Once inserted into the uterus, the PermaScan Internal Pregnancy Monitoring and Alert System (PIPMAS), provides constant surveillance for the development of pregnancy using both biochemical assays and direct visualization. According to Fishman, who heads Florida's Department of Internal Surveillance, women are going to appreciate the peace of mind that comes from giving 24/7, real-time information on the health and pregnancy status of their uterus to the Governor's Office. "It will be empowering because they will be free to focus on more important things, like keeping the home and educating their children. The women of Florida are one of our most precious commodities, which is why it will also be legally required that all of them have the device installed prior to their 11th birthday." 

Area Woman Dies from Tragic Brain Injury After Magical Journey Through Time.....

Pine Valley, IL - Pine Valley resident Margaret Turner died today from a rare neurologic injury sustained in the process of returning from a magical journey into the past where she had hoped to make a different choice at a pivotal moment in order see how her life would have turned out if she had never married her husband.

Turner, shown here with her husband a few minutes after realizing how much she still loved him and right before her brain stem exited through the hole in the bottom of her skull

"This sometimes happens with traumatic brain injury induced time jumps," Dr. Mort Fishman, a neurologist at Pine Valley Regional Hospital, explained. "When an individual experiences a second head injury before their brain has fully recovered from the first one, dysfunctional cerebral blood flow can cause an increase in intracranial pressure and herniation of the brain through the foramen magnum. Mrs. Turner must have suffered a second hit to her head while she was looking for a second chance at love. What? Too soon?"

Travelling through time in order to grow as a person, or to realize that what you were looking for all along was right in front of you the whole time, often requires being knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, sometimes after making a wish on a shooting star or dropping a coin in a magic fountain. But according to Fishman this rarely end in death, even when a second impact is required to return. "We can take solace in the fact that she likely had no more than 2 to 5 minutes of realizing that she had made a mistake by asking for that divorce from her husband of 15 years before the injury to her brain resulted in an inability to breathe, loss of consciousness, and finally death."

Sparky the Alabama Municipal Court Canine Judge has Died.....

Montgomery, AL -  Sparky, an Alabama dog first sworn in as a Montgomery municipal court judge in 2008, has died.

Sparky, a lifelong Republican, shown here at a 2016 fundraiser for Donald Trump

"Sparky will be missed around here," Montgomery city council president Cornelius Calhoun revealed. "As a judge, he never wavered in his faithful commitment to justice, demonstrating impartiality, independence, rationality, fairness, and reasonableness in every judgement. And as a dog, he was a good boy. A damn good boy."

First appointed in 2008, Sparky remains the only dog in United States history to have served as a municipal judge, and his judicial career was frequently controversial. According to Alabama historian Muskrat P. Coltrane, Sparky's behavior frequently pushed the envelope of courtroom decorum. "He may have been able to tell a good guy from a bad guy, but he sniffed a lot of crotches and left a lot of puddles in the process. And frankly, I'm still not convinced that it was a good idea."

Lucasfilm Announces Return of the Ewoks in Next Star Wars Film.....

San Francisco, CA -  American film and television production company Lucasfilm, best known for creating and producing the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franchises, has announced the return of some familiar furry friends in the next Star Wars installment.

Miley Cyrus, who will be playing herself in the untitled future Star Wars movie, is already working on an original song for a scene in the iconic Mos Eisley cantina

"You asked and we listened," Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy explained. "It's the Ewoks! And it's a chance to answer some questions that fans have been asking for decades, like can they use the Force, did they eat the stormtroopers after the Battle of Endor, and can we do a scene where an Ewok and a Wookiee have sex?"

Kennedy added that fans of Wicket, the breakout star of the 1983 classic Attack of the Jedi played by former NFL star Warwick Dunn, will definitely not want to miss the new film. "A lot of time has passed, but Wicket is back thanks to time crystals and a little movie magic! He's older, wiser, and horny as fuck."

Republicans Issue Eras Tour (Taylor's Version) Warning.....

Washington, D.C. - Nearly two weeks after its debut on Disney+, Republican lawmakers in Washington are issuing a warning over the possibility of hidden messages in an updated version of the extremely popular Eras Tour concert film, particularly during segments handpicked by Taylor Swift herself.

Taylor Swift, shown here brazenly signaling a team of elite liberal operatives to vote for women's reproductive rights in November

"The streaming version of the Eras Tour available on Disney+ includes "cardigan" and four additional acoustic songs that Swift handpicked with little or no oversight from election officials," Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene explained. "Given her history of attempts to undermine our democracy in the past, we are worried that these segments of the concert contain credible, specific, and impending terrorist threats against the November presidential election, and we are calling for an immediate halt to its broadcast until an investigation can be completed."

A recording of the Eras Tour for theatrical release had already grossed more than $260 million at the global box office in the fall, making it the most profitable concert film in history. According to Disney CEO Bob Iger, Swift's concert is a true phenomenon and will continue to excite audiences wherever they are and regardless of how many sleeper cells could be activated. "Frankly, I have bigger problems to worry about than Taylor Swift conspiracy theories. The dailies on The Marvels: The Musical: The Series are garbage."

Chiropractors on Front Line in Fight Against Spontaneous Human Subluxation.....

Belvidere, NE - For over a century, chiropractors have recognized that the bones of the human spine can suddenly and inexplicably stop functioning properly or move out of alignment, often when we least expect it and even in newborn infants. The phenomenon, known as spontaneous human subluxation (SHS), has been described in thousands of chiropractic textbooks, papers published in peer-reviewed journals, and educational websites. Despite it's popularity, however, many conventional medical doctors maintain a state of childish ignorance on the subject.

A chiropractor, shown here providing gentle palliative spinal jackhammering for a child with spontaneous human subluxation who was recently placed on hospice with a prognosis of 80-90 years to live

Though the term "spontaneous human subluxation" was only coined in 1895 by the original chiropractor Daniel David Palmer, ancient cave paintings dating as far back as 17,500 BC depicted early humans holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. According to chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, DC, ancient Chinese and Greek civilizations were using manipulation to solve problems that they believed originated in the spine, such as as cervical grimp and total spinal collapse. "Hippocrates himself was always talking about the spine. He used to always say that knowledge of the spine was important because that's where all the good stuff is."

In 1895, Palmer discovered chiropractic medicine when he accidentally bumped into a guy who lived in his building. Later that day Jarvus P. Willard, who had been dealing with a cold for the past few days, thought maybe he felt a little better. Palmer realized that he had inadvertently knocked the man's spine back into a straight line like God intended. He would go on to develop a completely original science, built on ancient traditions, with the power to correct these misalignments, which he called spontaneous human subluxation. 

Palmer opened a clinic in the country's first strip mall in Davenport, Iowa, where he would work with patients to develop a treatment plan involving a series of specific spinal adjustments. After correct the patient's SHS, he would schedule maintenance visits until the patient died or decided that they didn't care about having optimal health. Sadly, Palmer would die from dysharmonic vibrosis that occurred as a result of typhoid fever a century before the invention of the Subluxatron Dermothermoneuromatic Stimugrasp 10000, which can pinpoint an SHS complex within a just few millimeters.

Chiropractic is a science that is at once both so obvious that a small child can grasp its inner workings and so mysterious that only a chosen few are privy to its true fundamental principles. Spinal misalignments are easy to understand in the context of a serious injury, like falling through an open manhole or looking down at an iPhone. The concept of a spontaneous subluxation, however, is a harder pill to swallow. But it's a pill full of knowledge and not synthetic chemicals pushed on us by the pharmaceutical industry.

There are decades of quality scientific research on SHS, much of it done near some of the most highly respected research facilities in the world. Grimes, DC, who in addition to being an expert on the history of chiropractic is offering a Spring into Spinal Health special with a full spinal exam, x-rays, and 3 free adjustments for only $99.99, says that spontaneous subluxations have been found in a variety of animal species during both experimental observation and in the wild. "We have seen them in apes, monkeys, mice, and even a snake once. I know a guy who found one in a hagfish, and they don't even have a vertebral column. Really makes you think, doesn't it?"

There is no legitimate doubt that spontaneous human subluxation exists, and can cause untold human suffering. And it is widely accepted by state governments and insurance companies that chiropractors can diagnose and manage them in exchange for money. The final mystery, naturally, is what causes them. Are there risk factors that make a person more likely to develop an SHS? Are there psychological or emotional factors at play? Is SHS a punishment from God or a test? The answer, Grimes, DC, revealed, is most definitely right around the corner. "We are close on this one. Like really close. Give us five more years, maybe ten, and we'll have it."

Conservative Expert Helps Parents Have "The Talk" with Kids.....

Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds), a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued guidance for parents on having "the talk".

A conservative mother, shown here explaining to her 6-year-old daughter about Biden's treasonous open border policies and how using barbed wire to keep out illegals protects her from being raped by brown people

"Talking to kids about the border is never easy," ACPeds President Michael Artigues explained. "But it's a very important talk to have, and we think that parents should start early with children as young as toddlers in an age-appropriate way using pictures, connect the dots worksheets, and maybe some matching games."

The new pamphlet, "How to Talk to Your Kids About the Border Before Somebody Else Does", gives conservative parents a number of helpful tips to get the conversation started. According to Artigues, an easy way to start is by simply using the right names for criminals who sneak into the country illegally. "Young children can understand that breaking the rules is wrong, and they will love the "Find the Illegals" activities included in our pamphlet. It's like Where's Waldo but with members of MS-13"  

The parenting experts at ACPeds know that children learn how to act and feel from other adults, friends and classmates, and the animated Rachel Maddow on MSNBC's Kidz Zone every Saturday morning. They believe that sharing your personal values with your children should be the cornerstone of a conservative education, and talking about the border early and often is the key. Finding an event, such as the early and unsubstantiated reports of a horrific murder or a scary expose of how fentanyl is being smuggled into the country from Mexico and hidden in random bake sale brownies by evil drug dealing liberal elite soccer moms, is the perfect opportunity to bring up this important topic.

"You can get the ball rolling," Artigues revealed. "But let your child lead the conversation. Be open and honest. If you aren't sure how to answer a question, tell them to trust that mommy and daddy know best and then tell them about replacement theory and the importance of having as many white babies as possible in order to preserve their culture. Be ready to reassure younger children that you won't let them be replaced, and that's why daddy keeps that loaded gun in the drawer next to his bed."

Building trust is an important component of communicating with young children. Artigues says that it's important for children to know that their parents will still love and support them no matter what decisions they make about the border. "Explain what the border is and what policies can lead to millions of criminals flooding into our country and the dangers we face. And be sure to talk about walls and barbed wire methods of prevention."

Finally, Artigues warns parents to avoid making assumptions. "Don't assume that your teen is conservative. He or she may have already been brainwashed by a book in their school library, a remake of an 80s movie with women in the lead roles instead of men, a man in a dress who is happy, or that time a woman who was born with a penis said she likes Bud Light."

Talking about the border is not the same as giving permission to go to the border. That's for armed militia members and politicians who can't get any meaningful legislation passed and are up for reelection. But having "the talk" helps your child to make the right decisions on their own with your guidance. And if you aren't comfortable talking to your child about the border, find another adult who is, such as youth pastor or former priest.

Eggland's Best Now Offering Good Enough Eggs at Discounted Prices.....

Malvern, PA - In an effort to reach an even wider customer base by expanding into lower-income markets, leading fresh egg brand Eggland's Best is now offering an additional tier of egg quality at discounted prices for people on a tight budget.

An elderly couple living on a fixed income, shown here finally able to gorge themselves on dozens of eggs a day thanks to Eggland's Best's new lower cost tier of "Good Enough" eggs

"At Eggland's Best, we take pride in providing our consumers with eggs that have superior nutrition, taste, variety, and freshness compared to ordinary eggs," Kurt Misialek, President and CEO of Eggland's Best, LLC, explained. "Now more people will be able to enjoy our eggs at a lower cost since they won't all be our best. I mean, our good enough eggs will still be pretty good, just not great. Let's call them average. Your basic egg. It's going to be a perfectly fine egg, don't get me wrong. I mean, it's not like we are going to be selling poor people eggs that are rotten or full of sawdust. It's just not going to win any egg awards. Does that make sense?"

Compared to ordinary eggs, Eggland's Best eggs contain six times more Vitamin D, 25% less saturated fat, more than twice the amount of Omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin B12, and ten times more Vitamin E. According to Misialek, their best egg's superior nutrition comes from a proprietary all-vegetarian hen feed that contains healthy grains, canola oil, and a wholesome supplement of rice bran, alfalfa, sea kelp, and Vitamin E. "Our good enough eggs will still be nutritious, we just aren't going to feed the hens any sea kelp, rice bran, or any of the more expensive ingredients. It's still perfectly fine chicken feed. It's not like we will be selling Eggland's Worst or anything. Although I guess technically these eggs will be our worst, but that would be a terrible name from a marketing perspective. Could you imagine? If we did that? Yikes."

Failing Galactic Economy Leads to Increase in Alien Adductions.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy - As the number of planets suffering from the effects of an ongoing economic downturn grows on an almost krebly basis, Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII has begun pressuring member civilizations to bring human adduction plans up to full speed earlier than the planned Smarch deadline.

Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here setting up an OnlyFans account from his lake house on Lake Winnipesaukee

"We have reached a point where the luxury of human medical research subjects, acid mine laborers, and game for recreational hunting has become a financial burden that we can no longer afford," Commerce Droid BX-419 explained. "To feed, clothe, and sterilize a single human for just one flort cycle costs nearly two remlangs, which is significantly more that the total expenditure of transporting it back to where it came from."

The galactic recession has largely been blamed on the failed financial policies of Supreme Overlord Zorg XII, known by his billions of subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and Eater of Worlds. According to the embattled ruler over thousands of planets, now is not the time to consider a regime change. "Sheesh. I invest the galactic treasury in one alpaca farm and these guys are calling for my borgle on a plate!."

Is Anal Candling Right for You?.....

Sedona, AZ - More holistic health experts are touting the practice of anal candling, an ancient and popular treatment for constipation and other gut-related health concerns.

A child, shown here with an anal candle being improperly used in the ear by an unqualified provider and just prior to his painful death as a result of what experts refer to as "a brain geyser"

"Thermo-Rectal therapy with candles dates back to the times of the Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks," Dr. Robert Bibby, medical director at Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic in Sedona and certified anal candling provider, explained. "Some research even suggests that the first anal candlers were the Native American Hopi Indian tribe of North Arizona, who relied on the them for health of the distal colon and to promote emotional and spiritual well-being."  

Anal candles are traditionally made by rolling unbleached muslin cloth into a hollow cone and then coating it with wax, similar to how an ear candle is made, though they are typically much more powerful. The pointed end of the candle is gently inserted a few inches past the anus and the other end is lit. Proponents of the therapy claim that anal candles are more comfortable and less expensive than conventional enemas in which a liquid is forced into the rectum.

As with ear candles, the proposed mechanism behind the benefit of the anal version is the creation of a vacuum. According to Bibby, smoke from the burning candle travels into the rectum that warms and softens fecal matter. "The suction and vibration from the flame dislodge the warm stool and other foreign debris and pulls it into the anal candle, which many patients report as being a rather pleasant sensation. Some come back weekly to stay ahead of the constipation."

Another proposed benefit from anal candling is an improvement in overall gut health. This is believed to come from the heat entering the rectum, which increases blood flow both to and from the surrounding tissue. Improved circulation helps to remove excess toxin build up and restore important digestive function to the distal colon. Bibby believes that regular anal candling can improve lymphatic flow throughout the body, balance emotions, and help manage even severe and chronic foggy bottom. 

Anal candling is a procedure that requires trust between both a patient and a provider. Bibby stressed the importance of finding a fully certified practitioner. "If somebody thinks that they can just shove an ear candle up your ass, you might want to look elsewhere. They just don't create the kind of suction force that you need. Ask them about their wax options and if they use non-GMO cotton. What scents are available? Are they certified organic essential oils? Are the matches used to light the candle made by a loving hand using blessed poplar wood or mass produced in some factory? These things really matter."

Deadly Moose Attack May Have Involved Muffin, Authorities Reveal.....

Cloquet, MN - During an emergency press conference held today at Gordy's Hi Hat Drive-Inn, Moose Lake State Park manager Don Del Greco revealed that yesterday's moose related death of 37-year-old Cloquet native Darrell Darrellson likely involved a quarrel over a muffin.

An enraged moose, shown here demanding more muffins despite being told that he had already eaten all of the muffins and just prior to be shot by a park ranger

"We have some solid evidence and the pieces are beginning to fit together," Del Greco explained. "It appears that the moose, after it was given the muffin by the deceased, wanted some jam to go with it. Darrellson likely refused, it being his mother's jam and all, and we believe that the enraged moose then trampled him in bloody reprisal."

Cloquet, a small town located on the St. Louis river and home to the only gas station designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, is no stranger to tragedy. According to the town's mayor, Roger Maki, residents are still reeling from the September 2023 death of Timmy Martin, a 10-year-old child who had given a pig a pancake but then refused to share his favorite maple syrup. "For the love of God, just stop giving these animals breakfast foods. And if you absolutely must do so, be prepared to give them whatever dip, sauce, spread, or topping they demand. No jam is worth a human life, not even Myrna Darrellson's homemade blackberry jam."

Wonka Chocolate Factory Owner Faces Backlash After Suggesting Consumers Save Money by Chewing Gum for Dinner.....

Wonkaville - The CEO of Wonka Chocolate Factory is facing criticism after suggesting in an interview on This Week in Wonkavilla that townsfolk struggling to put food on the table could save money by chewing the factory's Three Course Dinner chewing gum for dinner instead.

Former factory owner Willard Wilbur Wonka, shown here holding a prototype of the Three Course Dinner chewing gum and just prior to the tragic death of a child touring the factory with her father

"The chewing gum category has always been quite affordable and it's probably more on trend now," current Wonka Chocolate Factory owner Charlie Bucket explained. "If you think about the cost of gum for a family versus potatoes and cabbages, it tends to be a great destination when consumers are under pressure."

Bucket's comments have not been well received, with many pointing out that gum, even if it is the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world, is not a satisfying or nutritionally complete meal replacement option. But Bucket isn't backing down. "Like Grandpa Joe always said, people who don't listen are nitwits. Maybe it's time to give chicken the night off. This gum is almost like the real thing, starting with tomato soup, roast beef, and baked potato, and then finishing with blueberry pie and cream. And it hasn't made anyone explode in decades."

Zithromax May Soon Be Available in Powerful New Amulet Form.....

New York City - American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation Pfizer has announced that it is seeking FDA approval of a powerful new amulet form of its popular antibiotic Zithromax.

Subject #17, shown here wearing a prototype Zithromax amulet during a recent study in patients who think they might be coming down with a cold 

"Zithromax is a name that prescribers and patients have learned to trust since it first hit the market in 1991," Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "But we are always seeking to develop new and innovative ways to improve access and adherence to our lifesaving and life changing pharmaceuticals."

If approved, patients prescribed a Zithromax amulet (marketed as Z-Pec) will be advised to begin wearing the provided necklace with the drug-infused pendant hanging against the anterior chest wall at the first sign of illness. According to Bourla, the official indication will upper respiratory infections, but there will likely be additional benefits. "We have studied the Z-Pec in thousands of people in several phase 3 trials, and it is every bit as effective as oral Zithromax when it comes to the treatment of cough, runny nose, and sore throat. And not a single subject was attacked by a tiger at any point during these studies. Not even once."

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[The following is a paid advertisement for Bulletproof Achieve® infant formula. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

A gassy baby, angered by being fed standard infant formula instead of Bulletproof Achieve®, faces an uncertain and ultimately unfulfilling life

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Questions are okay up to a point, then you're just being a bitch! 

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Bulletproof Achieve® infant formula is a functional nutrition, and proof that the divine spirit exists within each and every one our customers. As was foretold by the ancients, every science-backed and carefully chosen ingredient is a necessary addition to your baby's diet with no compromises. That means every ingredient is clean. No GMOs, gluten, artificial flavors or fillers, or wickedness, thanks to a revolutionary filtering process that removes even the slightest trace of sin from each tank before it is blessed by The Leader.

Vinay Prasad Announces Plan to Publish a Book of Pandemic Inspired Poetry for Children.....

San Francisco, CA - Vinay Prasad, a controversial medical doctor and critic of what he believes has been an overbearing and ultimately harmful government response to the pandemic, has announced plans to publish a book of Poetry inspired by his experiences over the past four years.

Vinay Prasad, shown here visiting "Imagination Land", the magical place in his mind where he goes to write his poems and to dream his dreams

"This was a logical next step after the success of my children's book last year," Prasad, an oncologist and health researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Cora's Coronavirus Conniption, explained. "I've sat near several children, on buses and once at petting zoo, and I know how they think. I know that the best way to reach them is through the magic of the written word, especially when some of those words rhyme, such as the ones at the end of the sentences."

In addition to his books, articles, newsletters, and social media outreach, the busy physician and science communicator has also released a line of microwave meals. According to Prasad, people shouldn't have to choose between their career and their diet. "When you're busy saving children from the slavery of face masks, you don't always have time to cook. That's why I designed my meals to prevent a Holocaust of hunger with delicious but healthy options that are ready to eat after only two minutes in the microwave."

The following is an excerpt from one of Dr. Prasad's poems, "A Child's Lament":

My doctor says it's just a poke

He says a funny little joke 

While Mommy signs the dotted line

And promises I'll be just fine

We do not want it in our arms

Until there is data on the harms

And what about our little hearts

And other special body parts 

Who speaks for those who have no voice

Who fights for those who have no choice

Here lies a child who once was told

A vaccine helps them to grow old

The ground I'm buried in is cold...so cold

More Americans Born Underwater, Study Finds.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a recently published study looking into where Americans are choosing to have their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Research Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

A mother explaining to her child how the emptiness inside her will never be filled because she was forced into the world by a cold and sterile medical-industrial complex instead of welcomed by the loving energy of these fish 

"Although the study was designed to investigate the popularity and driving forces behind the delivery of babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix explained. "It looks like non-hospital delivery options have expanded well beyond the more traditional options, such as cars, elevators, or the kitchen table."

According to the study, which was published in Online Publishing Module #2,780: Birth and Birth-Adjacent Modalities, greater than 50% of Americans are now delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of an aquatic midwife, water doula, or theme park mermaid. Mort Fishman, MD, the medical director at Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that the study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and a desire for a more natural and drug-free childbirth:

When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of koi fish, you wouldn't dream of even considering another species for your future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, some calming aromatherapy, and this organic leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue.

The results of the year-long survey may not come as much of a surprise to pop culture experts. A growing trend among celebrities over the past few years, so-called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the joyous event. Another episode documented Noah Bublé, son of singer Michael Bublé and singer Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute deployed.

Largest U.S. Organization of Experts in Adult Medicine to Offer Training in Pediatrics.....

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia-based American College of Physicians, an organization of adult medicine doctors with more than 160,000 members, has announced that it will begin offering a Diplomate in Clinical Medical Pediatrics (DCMP) in 2025.

DCMP instructor Dr. Mort Fishman, an internal medicine doctor in Pittsburgh and ACP Master, shown here silently judging a 5-year-old child with fecal incontinence

"The ACP is the largest medical-specialty organization and second-largest physician group in the United States after the AMA," ACP President Omar T. Atiq explained. "And with the extraordinary experience of our internist instructors combined with the latest pediatric information available in textbooks and online, this program is a must if you are thinking about caring for children in your clinical practice."

The DCMP program is structured on the science, art, and philosophy of pediatrics and will include more than 360 hours of instruction, combining both classroom and online modules. According to DCMP instructor Mort Fishman, an internal medicine physician for nearly four decades, the curriculum is comprehensive. "In addition to the learning modules, which were designed by a panel of adult medicine experts such as myself, there will also be a mandatory presentation before a panel of academic adult subspecialists, and a research paper on a common pediatric topic for submission to the Annals of Internal Medicine's new "Kidz Zone" section."

Republican Fears Realized as Swift Cancels Super Bowl, Makes Move to Consolidate Power.....

New York - Republican politicians and their base of conservative voters are reeling as news spreads of an announcement from Taylor Swift that will all but ensure a Biden victory in November and pave her path to power.

Swift, who is prone to fits of rage when her authority is questioned, is shown here reminding a crowd of reporters that she alone will decide who gets to be president

"I'm not telling people who they should or shouldn't vote for y'all," Swift explained during a press conference held today at Republic Records' Manhattan headquarters. "I'm just saying that I don't see myself putting out any new music or organizing any new tours in Trump's America."

Swift, a popular singer and songwriter who has developed a cult-like following of irrational fans, millions of which are of voting age and will blindly comply with her every demand, has also recently taken over the NFL. According to league commissioner Roger Goodell, this is only the beginning of her reign of terror. "You didn't hear this from me, but don't expect there to be much football played at her surprise concert in Las Vegas Sunday night. Those boys will have great seats for the show, and that's better than any fancy ring."

Advertisement: World's First Concealed Holster Acupressure System for Sciatic Pain

[The following is a paid advertisement for the ReActiv+. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

Sciatic nerve pain, commonly known as sciatica, affects millions of people around the world every day. The severe lower back and leg pain experienced by people with sciatica can make it hard to do many of the everyday things that we often take for granted, like yelling at people wearing an N95 surgical mask at the library, and it can significantly reduce a sufferer's quality of life. But does it put you and your family at risk of being murdered, probably by an immigrant that just walked across the border, just walked across like they were crossing the street to buy eggs?

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Sciatica expert Mort Fishman, one of the last white male physicians in America, shown here recommending the ReActiv+ holster because this isn't even America anymore

According to the American Gun Rights Institute, a sciatica patient is killed every 7 seconds because they don't have a real American weapon to protect themselves. Wouldn't it be amazing if there were a simple yet ingenious way to this treat sciatica while also helping to conceal a subcompact or compact handgun? Thanks to the ReActiv+ concealed holster acupressure system, now there is. It's true. Don't make me say it again!

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The ingenious design of the ReActiv+ holster applies a specific and targeted pressure directly into the acupoint just below the knee that is proven most effective* in the reduction of sciatic nerve pain. You can wear it while playing with your kids, riding your bike, gardening, playing pickleball, or going into town to buy eggs. Now you can do everything you have ever dreamed of doing, and without having to worry about being gunned down in the street by a random stranger or being unable to gun down a random stranger who accidentally bumps into you while speaking Spanish. You'll feel powerful and people will respect you.

Ladies love an egg man!

The ReActiv+ holster allows you to live, to work, and to take back your country pain free. And though its stylish design would impress and/or terrify anyone you might encounter on the street, it is designed to be be worn discreetly under the clothes**. And it's so effective at treating sciatica that the FDA cleared it as a medical device that exists and probably won't kill you. Seriously. And on the first try too!

* As demonstrated in a triple blinded crossover study involving twelve arthritic mice who ate 15% more cheese when wearing a tiny holster on their little mouse legs 
** State laws may vary

• 
  

Solomon Grundy Calls for Ceasefire in Gaza.....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ - As tensions continue to rise in the Middle East 4 months after the October 7th Hamas terrorist attack against Israel, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy is calling for a ceasefire in Gaza in the hopes of preventing further escalation and loss of life.

Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing obstacles to a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with a group of international policy makers that he would later crush to death with a Ford Excursion

"This is a complex issue without a simple solution," U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken explained. "Nobody is expecting there to be peace in the region overnight, and this isn't necessarily an official endorsement by the White House, but I think that maybe that evil zombie has a point."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while completing an International Affairs Fellowship through the Council on Foreign Relations. He is calling for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza and believes that the only chance for lasting peace is an agreement to put an end to the suffering of the innocent, particularly children. "Genocide bad! No bomb hospitals! Don't make Solomon Grundy come down there! Me have friend in Gaza City."

Scientists Genetically Modify Sorghum to Experience Pain.....

Near Harvard - A group of scientists near Harvard have announced a breakthrough in the application of biotechnology to crops consumed by humans involving the development of a sorghum strain that experiences intense pain during harvesting.

A field of sorghum, shown here suffering from blinding and unrelenting pain yet unable to beg for death because it has no mouths with which to scream

"This is something we've been working on for several years," Project leader Magnus Jergens explained. "Not only does this particular stain feel pain, it is a searing pain that most people would find completely unbearable. It's a 'Just let me die and end my suffering' sort of experience, but it doesn't work that way. It just keeps feeling the pain for hours and hours."

Genetic engineers and molecular biologists around the world are calling this one of the most important milestones in the field in decades. Jergens, who previously helped develop a strain of rice that contains higher levels of protein and feels a deep sense of regret, agrees. "This sorghum won't increase crop yields and it isn't more nutritious. In fact, it's probably less healthy and more sensitive to drought than other strains. But there is a beauty in the suffering that leads us to a sense of humility and a deeper appreciation of what we have, and that brings us closer to God."

Conservative Pediatricians Urge Parents to Reconsider Youth Football Participation.....

Gainesville, FL - A group of conservative pediatricians and other healthcare professionals is warning parents to reconsider allowing their young children to participate in youth football, citing increasing evidence of future harm in a statement issued today.

Taylor Swift, shown here signaling her legion of brainwashed followers to rise up and swarm the Texas border with Mexico so that nothing will stop the Democrats from replacing real Americans 

"This is a statement that I honestly never thought we would need to release," American College of Pediatricians President Michael Artigues explained. "But with the malign influence of Taylor Swift on the NFL, children participating in the sport could end up exposed to liberal propaganda that might set their impressionable minds on the path to voting for a Democrat."

The new statement from the ACP has caught many parents by surprise. Artigues, who also co-authored an earlier policy guide for parents of children who are considering cutting back on their daily red meat consumption, is reassuring concerned families that there are other available parenting options. "Parents looking for safer ways to expose their children to repetitive head trauma and humiliation by an adult authority figure can always just beat them a few times a week for being lazy."

Alabama Executes Man Using New and Controversial Method.....

Atmore, AL - Alabama has put an inmate to death using a giant magnifying glass, a never before used execution method that the state claims was humane, and pretty exciting for the people watching, but critics are calling the approach cruel and experimental.

A young child in Alabama practicing executions on insects with a state issued magnifying glass

Kenneth Eugene Smith, a 58-year-old convicted killer whose 2022 lethal injection was called off at the last minute because of difficulty establishing IV access, was pronounced incinerated at a south Alabama prison in Atmore yesterday. This was the first time that this particular method of execution has been used, and it will likely replace lethal injection, which was first introduced in 1982.

"It's simple physics," American mechanical engineer, science communicator, and television presenter Bill Nye explained. "The convex glass refracted rays of light from the Sun, focusing the photons into a highly localized area that resulted in an extremely high temperature. All Alabama needed was the giant magnifying glass, the crane, a sunny day, and an empty void to consume every last shred of human decency left in their black and shriveled hearts."

Attorneys representing Smith worked to have the courts put a stop to the execution, arguing that more scrutiny of the method was necessary.  The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals recently rejected claims that death by magnifying glass falls under the ban of cruel and unusual punishment and the Supreme Court did not accept that a second execution attempt would be unconstitutional. According to Justice Clarence Thomas, who took time from his vacation at a luxury resort on Kudadoo Island in the Maldives, he is looking forward to seeing footage of the execution. "This should be interesting, and it is exactly what the founders of this country were thinking of when writing the Constitution."

According to State law, Alabama first released Smith into a small fenced in area near the prison as the magnifying glass was being lifted by the crane to catch the sunlight. Alabama governor Kay Ivey, who was in attendance and had a great time according to witnesses, discussed the process during a recent visit to an elementary school in Birmingham. "You see, children, Alabama believes in giving people a fighting chance. Mr. Smith can run but he's gonna tire out eventually, and then he's gonna burn. Now who wants a cookie?"

Some medical experts had raised the alarm about the execution method being put into action by the state of Alabama. Dr. Mort Fishman, a normal human doctor with a conscience, believes that ignoring the potential risks of an untested method is pretty fucked up. "Problems with aiming the concentrated beam of light could result in severe burn injuries. The victim could suffer and they might not expire for several minutes. Not to mention the potential for catastrophic collateral damage to nearby onlookers and structures should the crane operator make any mistakes in positioning the magnifying glass."

The execution ended up taking roughly 22 minutes from the time between focusing the sunlight into a cohesive beam and throwing a tarp over Smith's charred remains. Smith screamed loudly as the beam made contact with various parts of his body over several minutes. Once his head was engulfed in flames, there were at least two additional minutes of writhing on the ground before he ceased to move.

Birth Plans Now Legally Binding, Supreme Court Rules.....

Washington, D.C. - In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has overturned a lower court's ruling and established new precedent making hospital birth plans legally binding.

Lariat Caption, shown here smiling on the outside after the SCOTUS ruling, plans to deliver her 33 week twins in a dolphin paddock like Gaia intended

"This is a victory for natal women everywhere," Justice Amy Coney Barett explained. "And if a natal women who is about to contribute to the domestic supply of infants wants a particular kind of pain control, delivery method, music, or provider ethnicity, she will have it because this is America now."

First introduced in the late 1970s as a response to an overmedicalization of the hospital birthing process, birth plans were intended to put more control back into the hands of pregnant women by facilitating communication and emotional support during childbirth. Some medical providers, like obstetrician Mort Fishman, are concerned that federal enforcement of birth plans that were not created collaboratively with a primary obstetrical care provider will fail to provide a sense of control and satisfaction or to improve outcomes. "Do I want all women to be able to give birth in microgravity, or to have access to a sample of Gwyneth Paltrow's vaginal flora, if that's what they want? Of course I do. I'm not a monster. But I work in a small community hospital and we just don't have those kind of resources."

Controversial Pile of Dog Shit Enters Second Day.....

Brookline, MA - According to an anonymous source at the scene, a pile of dog shit located near the living room couch has entering its second day as tensions rise between members of the Mitchell family.

Stupid dog sociopath Sock Mitchell, shown here clearly proud of what he has done, has a pattern of ignoring societal norms 

"Action needs to be taken," Cleve Mitchell explained. "This didn't just happen. That pile of dog shit has been there since yesterday. It's all dry and crumbly for Christ's sake! No, that shit is from last night...maybe even yesterday afternoon, which is a blatant disregard of the rules established when we got that damn dog."

Lawyers representing 15-year-old Ella Mitchell are questioning her father's forensic analysis of the feces. According to a statement released this morning, an independent expert has concluded that the shit is at most only a few hours old. "Any accusations involving our client Ms. Mitchell, and whether or not she allegedly ignored the pile of canine excrement instead of picking it up and cleaning the tile, are slanderous and will result in legal action."

Proctor & Gamble Researcher Mauled by Bear According to Leaked Memo.....

Cincinnati, OH - According to a leaked company memo, a researcher working for Proctor & Gamble was mauled to death by a bear in March of 2023 while working on a new product design for Charmin toilet paper.

A country bear, shown here defecating in the woods without the benefit of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper's scalloped edge design that those fancy city bears are always going on about

"We are truly sorry for the loss of a member of the Proctor & Gamble family," Executive Chairman David S. Taylor explained. "We take safety very seriously, but Steve knew going into this project that there would be risks when working with wild animals, particularly when they have such high expectations for comfort and convenience in the bathroom. We believe, and I think I can speak for Steve here, that the benefits of the scalloped edges on our Ultra Soft toilet paper far outweigh those risks."

The new design for Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper, which rolled out in October of last year, involved a change from straight to wavy perforations separating individual squares. Taylor denies that the death was covered up, stating that a respect for employee dignity and privacy is paramount at Proctor & Gamble. "Steve loved his job and he wiped those bears' asses day in and day out with pride because he believed that our new edges would provide a better, smoother tear with a cleaner separation between sheets every single time."

Historic Chiropractic Conference Clarifies Causes of Vertebral Subluxations.....

Mosterøy, Norway - Having emerged triumphantly from the historic Utstein Abbey on the Norwegian island of Mosterøy early this morning, Chiropractor Frank Grimes announced to a hushed crowd of thousands an updated list of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation.

According to a recent study near Harvard, 30% of vertebral subluxations in women occur when a child steps on a sidewalk crack or line

"No longer will chiropractors be forced to clumsily fumble around in the dark," Dr. Grimes explained. "We may now call upon the shining light of expert consensus to illuminate the path to better health for all of our patients!"

Not since the 1996 meeting of the Association of Chiropractic Colleges, when the definition of the vertebral subluxation was solidified, and a golden age of manipulation was ushered in, has there been such a huge leap forward in the field. Now, in addition to knowing that a vertebral subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health, chiropractors around the world will have an improved framework for what causes them. They hope that this newfound knowledge will lead to improved subluxation prevention and, most importantly, in the saving of countless lives.

The following is a list of the categories of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation complex, and some common examples as determined by almost 100 chiropractors representing the European Society of Chiropractry, the European Academy of Chiropractology, the PanAsian Society for Intensive Chiropractic Medicine, the American Academy of Chiropractic Engineers, the International Union of Concerned Chiropractors, the World Chiropractic League All-Stars, and several additional related societies including, but not limited to, the Eastern Michigan Chiropractic Dinner Club, the Southern Chiropractic Dentists of America Society, Chiropractic Anonymous, and local chiropractor Ulf Peterson who hosted the assembled experts at his house for a traditional Norwegian meal of boiled sheep's head and glogg:

T(rauma)1. Major physical trauma - Falling down stairs, being hit by a truck, being vaginally delivered
T2. Moderate physical trauma - Sneezing, watching a tennis or ping pong match
T3. Mild physical trauma - Eating, breathing, a light breeze

C(hemical)1. Major chemical trauma - Smoking, alcohol, pollution, pharmaceuticals
C2. Moderate chemical trauma - Nutritional deficiencies, caffeine, processed food, food allergies
C3. Mild chemical trauma - Heartburn, hot tubs set to > 90F, offensive odors

E(motional)1. Major emotional trauma - Divorce, death of a spouse or child, verbal abuse such as from an employer, psychological abuse such as when a new acquaintance beings to slowly adopt your mannerisms and style of dress in a sadistic attempt to replace you in your circle of friends
E2. Moderate emotional trauma - Louse noises such as gunfire or accidentally knocking over a lamp or stepping on a squeaky dog toy when trying to sneak out of the apartment without waking up your roomate who we all know is kind of a jerk and your friends don't like him
E3. Mild emotional trauma - Quieter noises like soothing whispers from a lover or the beating wings of a hummingbird in a nearby English garden, guild such as that associated with forgetting to put the toilet seat down or to put gas in the car when you were the last person to use it and it was practically running on fumes

Miscellaneous - Gypsy curses, when your child steps on a crack or a line, spontaneous human subluxation