New Research Finds Placebo Effect More Powerful in Cool People.....

 Boston, MA - Research out of Harvard's Program in Placebo Studies and the Therapeutic Encounter (PiPs) at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston is helping to remove a bit of the mystery from the placebo effect, finding that it is more effective in cool people.

Ted "The Hammer" Kaptchuk, shown here in 1987 being much cooler than all the other professors at Harvard could even dream of, doesn't care that he wasn't invited to Jan's Friendsgiving last week

"Placebo can be a powerful medical intervention in about 40% of people," PiPs director Ted Kaptchuk explained. "Until now, which 40% are going to be most likely to benefit from it hasn't been clear. Going forward we can now begin to wield this powerful tool like a scalpel instead of a hammer. Wouldn't that be a cool nickname though? The hammer?"

After anesthesiologist Dr. Henry Beecher discovered the placebo effect when his jug of morphine accidentally tipped over while treating people who exploded during World War 2, it was incorporated into medical research in order to see who was a Russian spy. They quickly realized, however, that their supposedly inert fake treatments worked in a large percentage of subjects, even women. This lead to a revolution in healthcare because any asshole could just up and cure people using placebo instead of going to all four years of medical school.

Despite its promise to take health out of the hands of the elite doctors in their ivory towers and give it to regular people, like chiropractors and psychic healers, not everyone responded to placebo. According to Kaptchuk, increasingly complicated forms of placebo were invented in the hopes of capturing the 60% of people who weren't being helped. "These people were all like, 'I'm a skeptic and placebos don't work on me. Logical fallacy. You did a logical fallacy!' But despite their bad attitudes, we still wanted to help them."

The new research involved randomizing people suffering from grimp into either a placebo group that received a dose of "Nogrimpatol", a sugar pill designed to look like an actual medication, or one that underwent the standard fecal replacement therapy. They then asked subjects to score themselves on a 5-point Likert scale from "I'm a total Urkel!" to "Aaay, I'm cooler than Fonzie!". The Hammer, who supervised the recruitment and statistical analysis for the study, wasn't surprised by the results. "People who fell into the Fonzie group, but also those that were in the slightly less cool MacGyver range, responded most to the placebo intervention. This explains why I have always been so sensitive to them myself and why they don't work on Jan."

More Hospitals Develop Neonatal Mindfulness Programs.....

Houston, TX - As rates of opioid withdrawal in newborn infants continue to rise in the United States, more hospitals are developing neonatal mindfulness programs to help these young patients with symptom management.

A certified neonatal mindfulness coach, shown here helping newborn Jiminy Miller harness the intent to evaluate how he feels

"Few experiences in medicine are as morally fatiguing as watching a baby suffer through the symptoms of opioid withdrawal," Mort Fishman, MD, a neonatologist and certified neonatal mindfulness coach at Texas Children's Hospital (TCH) in Houston, explained. "We are always looking for effective options that reduce discomfort and the amount of time that a baby stays in the hospital, and that don't require lengthy courses of oral medications. I couldn't be happier with the success of our mindfulness program."

Neonatal mindfulness is more than simply a means of creating meaningful lifestyle changes in babies that are less than a month old. According to Fishman, there are several proven layers of intervention that combine to achieve a powerful effect. "Intentional breathing, focused awareness, and the acceptance of their experience is key to overcoming dependence. These sessions take place as often as needed to assist each baby in taking ownership of their thoughts."

Each baby that is enrolled in a neonatal mindfulness program is monitored closely by hospital staff, as well as a caregiver whenever available. Specific signs of withdrawal, such as sweating, tremors, or diarrhea, are less of a focus than with other approaches to withdrawal. Instead, Fishman adds, we pay close attention to successful feeding, their ability to sleep, and how difficult it is to console the baby:

We look at the individual baby, how they are doing from a holistic perspective, and if these key determinants of self-actualization are being impacted by having been exposed to opioid medications during intrauterine development. And honestly, we have a pretty low threshold to intervene.

When a baby's nurse or caregiver feels like help is needed, they begin with fundamental actions that help to establish an environment where mindfulness has the best chance to succeed. This includes skin-to-skin contact or snug swaddling, frequent feeding, and holding the baby in a quiet room with low light and minimal noise. This control of the baby's environment allows them to focus on reflection and observation, which is a foundation upon which they might better be able to make informed decisions and to respond with agency rather than simply lashing out emotionally.

5-day-old Whilliker Smith, shown here failing to establish a non-judgmental attitude and a reconnection with intention

Neonatal psychologists, experts in a new but increasingly acknowledged field, have written on the importance of experience and choosing peaceful reactions to environmental variables that might seem out of the baby's control. Nance Rothfield, a neonatal psychologist and head of the mindfulness program at TCH, believes that a newborn's ability to choose how they respond to people, thoughts, emotions, and events is an innate skill that they all possess. "Baby's are explorers, not only of their environment but of the vast inner workings of their own subconscious mind. Their ability to develop characteristics of mindfulness flows as they test out new ways to adjust their behaviors. It's a natural and beautiful thing."

According to Rothfield, the characteristics of mindfulness come in phases, the first and most important of which is intention. "Once established, intention flows into attention, the harnessing of intention to assess our own feelings. Finally comes a non-judgmental attitude that dictates how we respond to distractions and detours in our lives, ideally with emergence and a reconnection. When that becomes an automatic response, they usually find that they don't need the opioids in their lives anymore."

New Research Links Parenting Choices to Future Bad Outcomes in Children.....

Atlanta, GA - Experts are warning parents to be extra cautious as new research confirms that even minor parenting choices can have serious negative future consequences for their children.

Parenting expert Pete Peters, shown here in 1957 developing his groundbreaking approach to child development

"This research is robust and consistent with my previous research, except now it is even more clear that the kind of parenting decisions that might ruin a child's life don't have to seem like a big deal at the time," Pete Peters, a behavioral psychologist, parenting expert, and founder of the Tomorrow's Kids Now Institute in Atlanta, explained. "Seemingly inconsequential decisions can, and almost certainly will, irrevocably change the direction of your child's life. One wrong choice and Timmy goes from future architect to future meth addict."

Previous research had shown that parents and other caregivers play an important role in shaping the lives of the young children in their care. But according to Peters, the author of How Parents are Usually to Blame (1963) and Parents: It's Still Almost Always Their Fault (1970), it is challenging to design a study that fully uncover how shockingly minor these unknowingly important choices can be in the real world. "It really could be literally anything you say to your child or do around them. Even reading this article could set them on the path to a life of criminality and sexual deviancy."

Despite the extremely heavy burden that caregivers of young children carry, Peters does offer up some hope for the future. In his latest book, Your Parents Made You This Way (2022), he reveals that parents can benefit from understanding that their failures and inadequacies won't impact later generations of children. "These ruined children will grow up and ruin the lives of their own children, and that won't be your fault. Unless...wait a second...now that I think about it. It is!"

What is Fishman's Triangle and Why is it So Dangerous?

When you think of triangles, what do your think of? The Bermuda Triangle? Coat hangers? A slice of pizza? A slice of cake? A different slice of pizza? Okay, you can stop thinking about triangles now!

You probably didn't think about your chest just now. But when it comes to human health, there is one very important triangle that you shouldn't be obtuse about. Don't worry though, this article won't isosceleave anything out. In fact, there is some very important information right ahead.

A typical American man, shown here demonstrating Fishman's Triangle

Imagine an upside down triangle with the base connecting your nipples and your belly button as the apex. Known formally as Fishman's Triangle, but often referred to as the "triangle of despair", it's the one place on the body that should strike fear in the hearts of all humanity. It has been implicated in the death of virtually every living human since we first crawled out of the swamps four to five thousands years ago.

Mort Fishman, MD, shown here holding the clipboard passed down through his family for thousands of years and that some believe grants him magical powers*

Cardiopulmonary Gastronephrologist Mort Fishman, MD, who first described the connection between this area of the human body and our inevitable mortality, explains why the triangle of despair poses such a risk and how to avoid complications.

What's so bad about the triangle of despair?

Think of this specific region as a direct line to important organs like the heart, lungs, intestines, and kidneys. That's because of blood vessels, a largely misunderstood network of small tubes that carry blood around the human body. Even though your can't see them, blood vessels run throughout your body tissues and often make direct connections between areas that are pretty far apart, like the left ear and the plectum.

Any medical problem in Fishman's Triangle, from a glubulated heart valve to a penetrating upper abdominal wound, has a chance of spreading to other vital organs.

"There is a chance, though sometimes admittedly it isn't a particularly big one, that even a routine lung infection could eventually impact the rest of your body," Dr. Fishman says.

Can it really kill you?

Hey now, don't worry too much. You probably won't just up and die because of small flesh wound or a minor kidney stone. But technically, I can't say that you definitely won't. It might even happen right now.

"The good news is that dying from something in my triangle is unlikely at any given moment," Dr. Fishman adds. "But something in there has almost certainly as least started to move in that direction, and it's going to get you eventually. And I suppose it could be any minute. Maybe even right now. Who's to say?"

A hysterical woman, shown here clutching her Fishman's Triangle and complaining of severe chest pain that is probably just caused by emotional stress and she should try some deep breathing and get a hold of herself because she's making a scene in front of all these nice people

In rare cases, but enough to make you think about it while trying to fall asleep tonight, even seemingly inconsequential problems in Fishman's Triangle could become catastrophic, like an infected hair follicle or a large blood clot in your pulmonary artery. Fishman's Triangle has been associated with a variety of serious and potentially life-threatening health issues, including:

- Heart attacks

- Lung attacks

- Passive-aggressive bowel disease (PABD)

- Adrenal fatigue

- Splenic ennui

- Disillusioned kidneys

- Storchus

- Plectal derangement

As long as these problems are caught in time, they are often treatable. If a patient dies despite appropriate treatment, they probably just didn't seek help in time or they didn't fight hard enough. 

When to see your doctor

If you have health concerns involving the triangle of despair, monitor them closely and pay constant attention to your overall health for any worrisome changes in the way you feel. Research near Harvard has proven that even a slight decrease in energy levels or a mild ache or pain can be a warning sign of imminent collapse of multiple organ systems. Panic and seek help immediately!

"The problem may start off small but start to get bigger, spreading to other organs and regions of the body, like the genitals or feet," Dr. Fishman explains. "And you will probably start to feel much worse. And don't listen to people who try to reassure you that you seem fine and maybe you should try to relax. See a doctor as soon as possible for diagnosis and treatment."

*Be sure to check out The Fishman Files, a brand new reality show that takes the viewer on a journey of discovery as Dr. Mort Fishman cures the ill and fights off evil spirits, all while raising his autistic nephew whose parents disappeared mysteriously while sailing through the Bermuda Triangle. The Fishman Files, Sundays at 8 on The History Channel.

Cajun Scientists One Step Closer to Lab-Grown Turducken.....

Maurice, LA -  Using recovered DNA to "genetically resurrect" an extinct species sounds like the plot of a science fiction novel written by Michael Crichton, but scientists at a genetics lab in Vermilion Parish are moving closer to making this fiction a reality by bringing back the wild turducken thousands of years after the last of the unusual bird hybrids disappeared from the swamps of South Louisiana.

Celebrity Chef Gerry Firebottom, shown here next to a turducken in the kitchen of his flagship Las Vegas restaurant, Firebottom's Flavorblaster Express Train to Flavor City, USA and Grill

Thanks to generous donation from Louisiana State University and Boudreaux's Meat and Seafood Market, Cajun biologist Pirogue Mamou, who is known for his pioneering work in nutria mating habits, believes that his lab will soon take the first steps into a new era where the majestic turducken's gobbles, quacks, and clucks can once again be heard throughout the bayous and other waterways of the Deep South. "This has been a dream of mine every since my MawMaw first told me about them turduckens back when I was juste un petit enfant."

What many people don't realize is that the turducken that is served on Thanksgiving and Christmas platters around the country is actually a culinary mash-up that was first popularized by Chef Paul Prudhomme in the 1980s and isn't a wild turducken. Instead, this holiday meal showstopper is created by stuffing a deboned chicken inside of a deboned duck and then stuffing both inside of a deboned turkey, often with cornbread dressing or pork stuffing added between the layers. It's delicious, but it never actually lived in the wild and strutted, waddled, or did that awkward thing where chickens hop around and flap their wings.

The work being proposed by Dr. Mamou involves a hybrid created with the help of CRISPR-Cas9, a gene-editing tool that can splice bits of DNA recovered from frozen turducken specimens into a wild turkey, the turducken's closest living relative. The resulting animal, which is being called the chidurckey, won't be a true turducken in the genetic sense, but it would theoretically look and behave like one. And most importantly, it would taste like one.

"First we created a turkey with a duck inside of it, mais c'était facile cher," Mamou explained. "The final hurdle was much trickier, but with the gene editing capabilities of CRISPR-Cas9, we are now very close to that thing being born with a chicken up its ass."

Despite the promise of the return of the turducken, not all experts are on board. Some, like vertebrate paleontologist Beatrice Downer, sees promise in perfecting the early steps of the process but questions whether the turducken is a worthwhile focus of the technology. "Even if the researchers in Louisiana can bring back turduckens, and it isn't entirely clear that this will be successful, I have to ask...should they? Should they do this when there are so many delicious species that are still around but currently endangered, like the gurducken, the cowpigen, and the Appalachian flying squirrel."

Dr. Mamou isn't planning on letting the objections of other scientists slow down research that he sees as extremely important and highly personal. "Who are they to decide which species is more deserving of existence? Or whose culture is more deserving of a chance to return to its roots. They can do their own work and leave the turduckens to me and my team down here on the bayou. Laisse-moi tranquille!"

House Republicans Plan to Investigate Former First Dog Major Biden…..

Washington, D.C. - As Republican members of congress prepare to assume control of the House of Representatives, party leaders are announcing plans to investigate members of the Biden family including the former first dog.

First cat Willow Biden, shown here relaxing in the Executive Residence, declined our request for an interview

"This was an aggressive dog involved in multiple violent outbursts during his time in the White House," Kevin McCarthy, who will likely take over as Speaker of the House of Representatives in January, explained. "Some of these were part of a cover-up that we only know about because of a willowblower, I mean a whistleblower, whose identity we are protecting in order to avoid reprisals from the current administration."

In light of the revelations of numerous, unreported attacks on Secret Service agents, Republicans are expressing concern that Joe Biden, the current President of the United States and father of Hunter Biden, may have played a role in the cover-up. According to McCarthy, these attacks also raise serious concerns that the German Shepherd did not go through an appropriate vetting process before being allowed such close proximity to sensitive information. "The American people deserve to know if this is a family pet that had trouble adjusting to life in the White House, or a foreign agent with potential access to classified documents. And if so, what did Joe Biden know and when did he know it?"

Kinesiology Tape Diapers Revolutionize the Treatment of Infant Gas.....

American Fork, UT - KT Tape®, the leader in sports related drug-free pain and injury relief through the use of their advanced recovery products, is revolutionizing the baby care industry by combining their recognized kinesiology tape with standard disposable diapers.

A baby, shown here wearing a conventional disposable diaper that lacks the pelvic and abdominal muscle and soft tissue support that helps maintain an upright posture

"The disposable diaper is an amazing product that parents and other caregivers of young children depend on," KT Tape® CEO and President Gregory Venner explained. "But there hasn't been a design upgrade since the introduction of a super-absorbent polymer to the crotch in 1984."

The new diapers from KT Tape® will utilize the same "lift and lock" technology that makes their popular line of kinesiology tapes so effective. According to Venner, there is the potential for significant medical benefit in addition to the established convenience of modern disposable diapers. "Our KT Diapers® will gently, but powerfully, lift the skin and subcutaneous tissue in the pelvis and lower abdomen, improving blood flow and lymphatic drainage and helping to reduce fussiness from gas, constipation, and colic."

Helping to enable athletes and fitness enthusiasts to perform at their best has always been a fundamental guiding principle of the KT Tape® philosophy. With the introduction of KT Diapers®, this goal of improved comfort and functionality hasn't changed. They will be distributed to caregivers, medical professionals, and daycare centers through major retailers, specialty baby stores, and medical supply distributors worldwide.

"These diapers are built for performance," KT Tape® Product Design Director Lucinda Crepe explained. "Yes, they are going to help these babies feel better, function better, and probably start walking earlier than kids using conventional diapers, but they are also going to soak up a lot of urine and feces so that a baby can reliably do their business without fear of leaks or blowouts."

KT Diapers® are designed to be applied to an infant's skin by caregivers without specific training. But in order to achieve maximum benefit, Crepe revealed that some training would be necessary. "Seeking out a fully certified kinesiology taping practitioner for every diaper change isn't practical. We do recommend that caregivers undergo KT Diaper® specific training on our website in order to avoid injuries, however. And for a small annual fee, they can obtain a full certification that will give them the confidence to train others and charge for the service."

Starbucks Announces Annual Customer Survey Results.....

Seattle, WA - The Starbucks Corporation has revealed the results of their annual customer survey, and once again the most popular menu item is coffee.

A woman, shown here adding a white, powdery substance known as sugar to her coffee, which has been poured into a cup prior to consumption using her primary face hole

"The annual survey is something that we take very seriously at Starbucks," Chairperson Mellody Hobson explained. "It's a chance for customers to provide valuable feedback and an opportunity for us know if the changes we've made are appreciated."

In addition to coffee taking the top spot again this year, as it has every year since the annual survey process began in 1992, Starbucks customers chose their favorites among several other categories, such as "What's your favorite utensil?" and "What do you wipe your mouth with?"*. According to Hobson, the most useful information often comes from a focus on the little details that other coffee shops might not pay attention to. "Coffee is definitely a Starbucks customer favorite, and that's really important for us to know. But based on the survey, a lot of people really enjoy putting stuff into their coffee too."

Not everyone who drinks coffee enjoys it quite the same way, though some approaches are more popular than others. Consumption analysts at Starbucks' corporate office in Seattle, like Jode Dockerson, use data collected from the annual customer survey as well as independent research on coffee trends to make recommendations to the product engineering team, who then pitch potential new menu items to the Executive Menu Development office. "I was actually here when the '94 survey dropped and we were all like...sugar? And people still put it in their coffee today."

*Customers ranked drinking straws and napkins number one in these categories.

More Millennial Women are Questioning Outdated Pregnancy Practices....

San Francisco, CA - As increasing numbers of millennial women are choosing to have children, many are questioning some long held assumptions about pregnancy.

A pregnant human millennial, shown here ordering a bucket of pickles and turkey gravy on Uber Eats and seriously considering a fourth accent pillow, maybe red?

"Millennial women currently account for more than 90% of births in the United States," Mort Fishman MD, an obstetrician and the author of Millennial Moms: How the Internet and 9/11 Changed the Way We Approach Pregnancy and Childbirth in the New Millenium, explained. "This is a generation of women that were raised during a time of great social and technological change. They saw the birth of the internet, and they believe that the birthing process should be more collaborative and open to new ideas."

The way that human culture has approached pregnancy and childbirth has been fairly fixed, likely for thousands of years but for at least the last fifty. This doesn't sit well with many millennial women, like San Francisco millennial Juniper Poppy Miller, who bristle at being told that their pregnancy has to fit into a mold envisioned by older generations. "Millennials are inherently curious. We seek out and excel at accepting change.  If there is a more efficient way to accomplish a goal, we don't let tradition get in the way of progress. Take the human gestation of 9 months. Why 9 months? Why can't I have a pregnancy that fits into my lifestyle rather than the other way around?"

Hallmark Channel Announces Plans to Produce Even More Inclusive Series and Movies.....

Studio City, CA - The Hallmark Channel has announced that it will be moving forward with plans to create even more inclusive programming in 2023, with a major focus on niche societal subcultures.

Hallmark's Throuple Trouble, a romance about three gay witches who move to Salem to open a Halloween themed vegan bakery, will air on November 18th at 7 p.m.

"I couldn't be more proud of the progress we have made over the past two years under my leadership," Hallmark Media President and CEO Wonya Lucas explained. "We have increased diversity both in front of and behind the camera, and picked some low hanging fruit by introducing gay characters and more shows that feature people of color. And we will continue to strive to produce programming that all viewers can see themselves in, because everybody is welcome at Hallmark. And by everybody, I mean everybody."

Ever since the series finale of the series Good Witch featured the network's first lesbian kiss in 2021, Hallmark executives have been looking for ways to increase interest in the channel among members of other underrepresented groups. According to Lucas, Hallmark television programming shouldn't be any different than the cards you can find in a Hallmark store. "There are cards for the LGBTQ community, people of different ethnic backgrounds, believers in a variety of world religions, and so many more. I mean, if you can buy a bespoke birthday card for the naturist in your life, wouldn't they also appreciate seeing a character practicing non-sexual social nudity on an episode of When Calls the Heart?"

In the past, Hallmark programming has been criticized for having simplistic and unrealistic plots with thinly written characters that are flat and lifeless. Some have pointed out that Hallmark characters might be conventionally attractive, but they are essentially caricatures of people who might be found living in the real world. The dialogue, sometimes described as insipid drivel, sounded as if it was written by people who have never actually had a conversation with an actual human.

Lucas, who assumed control of Hallmark Media in August of 2020, has made it her mission to change the minds of Hallmark haters by working to develop characters that are more complex and more relatable. "When you watch a movie or an episode of a series, you want to see someone who you can identify with. That character might be caught up in an unusual situation, but if we've done our job you will imagine yourself in their shoes and wonder how you would handle it."

In addition to crafting more relatable characters, Hallmark plans to push the boundaries of storytelling and explore what it means to love and to be a family in a more authentic and inclusive way. Lucas believes that depth and dimension requires a story that defies common stereotypes. "We want to truly represent the human condition in a meaningful way. We want to represent real lives. That's what makes a compelling viewing experience."

Here are a few of the upcoming Hallmark movies set to air in 2023:

Home Birth Holiday - A widowed midwife who has begun to lose confidence in herself, Janice returns home to snow-covered Vermont. She soon finds a new perspective and some Christmas cheer when she meets a handsome paramedic after a baby dies during a botched home birth.

Tiny House, Big Heart - Recently engaged Vivian buys a tiny house that can magically grant wishes. As Vivian and her beloved Clara begin to make a new home together, they come to realize that living with love can be just as powerful as living with less.

The Eight Piercings of Hanukkah - An anonymous suitor sends body piercing optometrist Sara a different Hanukkah themed nipple clicker for each of the holiday's eight nights, and on her journey to find her secret admirer, she learns that her one true love might be someone she never expected.

Physician-Assisted Romance - When Liz returns home to take care of her ailing satanist father in California, she is determined to give him the perfect Lupercalia before his physician-assisted home suicide. But Dr. Death becomes Dr. Love after they are snowed in during a powerful blizzard.

Fetish Fantasy - After unexpectedly moving to Alaska, an ambitious furry starts a new romance with a local brony and learns that his small town is hiding a kinky secret: they're all into it.

Results of New Study Leave Experts Baffled.....

Near Harvard - A recently published study that was based on experiments performed by scientists in a lab near Harvard has revealed surprising new findings.

Scientist Steve, shown here smiling in his science lab and probably about to say something really funny. Classic Steve!

"We didn't see this coming at all," Lead researcher Clancy Clump explained. "Not even Steve. He was all like, "What...no way. Now that's a spicy meatball!" That's like Steve's catchphrase and he does this stupid voice. Steve is hilarious."

One of the most important aspects of high quality science is replication. A single result can be an outlier and should only rarely be the final word. Even the most dedicated scientist can make a mistake or be influenced by belief and bias, and some unusual findings can even come about based on chance alone. 

After taking some time to process the study's unexpected results, the research team is back at work on a new project aimed at replicating or falsifying them. According to Clump, it's important to keep moving forward and to avoid being distracted by research that catches you off guard. "We are professional scientists and a fundamental aspect of what we do is...Steve, stop it! I'm talking to a guy about that study. I know, right? That was nuts!"

American Academy of Pediatrics Introduces Guidelines on Intrauterine Screen Time.....

Itasca, IL - The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has published a policy statement on the risks and benefits of intrauterine screen time with recommendations on daily limits.

A pregnant woman, shown here agonizing over the decision to allow her unborn child to watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory as recommended by the League of Evil Pediatricians

"This is a complicated issue and expectant parents have been asking for clear and concise recommendations from non-evil pediatric medical experts that they can trust," AAP President Lee Beers, MD explained. "These recommendations might not please everyone, but they are the result of a fair assessment of the available science."

Consistent with previous recommendations on screen time for children that have been born already, the AAP is calling for no screen time at all for a developing fetus at any gestational age, even when the pregnancy has extended beyond the expected due date. According to Mort Fishman, Chairperson of the AAP Section on Media and the Unborn Child, one possible exception is video chatting. "It can be a meaningful experience with significant psychosocial benefit that could increase maternofetal bonding. I mean, if there is even a chance that it improves breastfeeding it's worth it, right?"

Not all experts agree with the AAP stance, with some using complicated words like exorbitant and draconian, which I'm pretty sure they made up. Baroness Helga von Kuddelmuddel MD, a member of the League of Evil Pediatricians, calls the research backing up the AAP guidelines correlational, cross-sectional, or based only on self-report. "Fishman and the AAP are using studies that lump all forms of screen time together into once category, and I will destroy them!"

Both the AAP and the League of Evil Pediatricians agree that it is challenging to isolate the effects of screens from other potentially harmful intrauterine variables, like what medications the mother took during pregnancy, what food she ate, or if she had any negative thoughts or emotions at any point. It wouldn't even need to be a particularly bad thought either. von Kuddelmuddel explained that a randomized controlled trial in which fetuses were exposed to varying amounts of screen time, and then followed for years after delivery to assess health outcomes, would be expensive and likely unethical. "Mostly it's the cost though. Ethics aren't exactly a priority with the League of Evil Pediatricians."

Universe Likely Really Stupid According to New NASA Research.....

Washington, D.C. - NASA scientists have published a paper explaining the reason that we haven't been visited by any advanced alien civilizations -- they are all idiots.

Complete shit for brains Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here clicking on the link in an email from Amazon.info.ru about his account being suspended

"These civilizations, if they exist, are all incredibly stupid," NASA Administrator Bill Nelson explained. "The universe is vast and it would be foolish to assume that it isn't overflowing with alien morons that haven't evolved to a point where they can fly a kite, let alone a highly advanced interstellar craft capable of travelling at speeds approaching light. Dumbasses." 

The research team, which is based at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Southern California, hypothesizes that in addition to being a bunch of imbeciles that think a parsec is a unit of time, alien life throughout the cosmos also probably thinks a hyperdrive is a propulsion system that forgot to take its Ritalin. According to JPL Director Dr. Lauri Leshin, we shouldn't underestimate just how dumb the aliens species out there are. "We don't know if these fuckwads even have a brain architecture remotely similar to ours, but they almost certainly wouldn't have two neurons to rub together between all of them."

Vermont State Police Issue Warning About Limited Edition Holiday Fentanyls.....

Waterbury, VT - Officials from the Vermont State Police (VSP) have issued a warning to be on the lookout for limited edition holiday fentanyls that could be flooding craft fairs, farmers markets, and cozy small town coffee shops in Vermont this fall.

A ceramic serving dish, shown here holding enough candy cane fentanyl to kill every man, woman, and child who plays Christmas music before Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh

"Not everyone is going to be a fan of these limited edition fentanyls," VSP Director Matthew T. Birmingham explained. "But some people are going to get really excited about this stuff, especially the one called Pumpkin Spice, and they will probably be pretty obnoxious about it until after Thanksgiving."

Psychologists have been exploring the roots of the national obsession with certain fall scents and flavors for decades. According to social psychologist Emerald Sinclair, there were fanatics long before Starbucks introduced its Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003. "People love to be reminded of the changing leaves, time with family, their childhood home, and the joy that this season brings. And those warm feelings of nostalgia will be the last thing they experience as their brain begins to shut down from a lack of oxygen."

Spontaneous Human Combustion Now A Chronic Condition.....

Stockholm, Sweden - Researchers at the prestigious Swedish Institute of Modern Hyperdilutional Therapeutics (SIMHT) have announced a breakthrough in the diagnosis and management of spontaneous human combustion (SHC), a condition long considered to be undetectable and incurable.

Based on research at SIMHT, one of these people is at risk of erupting into a giant fireball at some point in their lives, and likely when they least expect it...like now! Or now! You should have seen the look on your fa...(the caption writer bursts into flames)

"SHC patients typically are only identified after a pile of greasy ash and singed hands and feet are discovered by a landlord or family member," lead researcher Scotch Magnusson explained. "But with our recent advances in screening for SHC, and prophylactic hyperdilutional therapy, people don't need to live in fear of unexpectedly erupting into flames anymore."

Until now the possibility of developing SHC, a condition which many experts believe originated in Africa when spontaneous simian combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans while training chimpanzees to participate in early NASA suborbital flight missions, has deserved its terrifying reputation. Unlucky sufferers are often simply minding their own business while unwinding with a bottle of liquor and a cigarette after a long day. Adding to the mystery and suspense is the fact that there has never been a witnessed case, which has helped lead to a variety of unproven etiological hypotheses such as ball lightning, a new subatomic particle, or thinking that your sister is kind of sexy, even if just for a second or two before you catch yourself.

After more than a year of intensive research and testing, Magnusson and his colleagues at SIMHT developed and validated a screening test for SHC. According to Magnusson, the test consists of a panel of fifty questions and takes family history, environmental exposures, diet and a number of other factors into account. But identifying who is at risk is only half the battle. "A screen is only helpful if we can offer the patient a solution so that they don't have to sleep in a tub of water."

The team also formulated a cocktail of specially prepared plant and animal parts with the intent of preventing SHC events in high risk patients. Mangusson, who was unwilling to reveal any of the ingredients, wasn't shy about touting their success and pointing out the obvious implications. "We are taking people, usually the elderly or infirm, who at any moment, though usually when smoking alone while sedated from the use of drugs or alcohol, might have literally melted to death and we are giving them their lives back. And as long as they continue the preventive treatment, we expect them to live long enough to die of something much less exciting...like cancer."

Experts Predict Hottest Must-Have Holiday Gift for New Parents.....

 Chicago, IL - As the holiday season moves inexorably towards Christmas morning, experts are starting to weigh in on what will be the most popular gift for new parents.

New parents, shown here hoping they'll get a Christmas present that keeps their baby both alive and quiet, because she is the CEO of a large company and has an early meeting. I bet you assumed he was the CEO, you misogynistic bastard.

"There is a very short list for what will be the biggest hit this year," Abe Szylak of Baby Trendz Magazine explained. "To be clear, it's just the one thing. Every new parent is going to be asking for it, and they are going to remember for years to come if they don't get it. If you love your brother, sister, college roommate you haven't spoken to for ten years, whoever happens to be pregnant that is anywhere in or even close to being in your circle of friends and family, you're going to want to get this for them."

Every holiday season has its winners and losers when it comes to gifts, but rarely is there one item that so resoundingly leaves the rest of the pack in their dust. According to Syzlak, who also predicted the Rubik's Cube craze of 1982 and solved the Cabbage Patch Kids murders of 1983, this is like the 100-year flood of demand. "It's a weighted, vibrating, magnetized, organic, non-GMO, holy water infused wireless smartsack that keeps track of the baby's vital signs and cures colic."

Local Mom Dead After Non-Certified Kinesiology Tape Application.....

Albuquerque, NM - Janoise Gilmore, an Albuquerque mother of 5 who suffered a mild ankle sprain in the JOANN Fabrics on Wyoming Boulevard, has died after treatment by an uncertified kinesiology taping practitioner.

The JOANN Fabrics on Wyoming Boulevard will be offering a 5% discount on all knits and athleisure apparel fabrics for the next 3 days in memory of Janoise Gilmore

"It's all my fault," physical therapist Glance Maxwell admitted. "I thought she could handle one more strip but I must have applied it at the wrong angle or with too much stretch. I don't know what happened, but I lost control and now her kids don't have a mother anymore because of me. Why didn't I become a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner when I had the chance?" 

Maxwell, who now faces life in prison or a fine of $50 for practicing Kinesio® taping without a certificate, is hardly the first person to hear the siren call of this revolutionary healing modality. According to Kinesio University President Dr. Kenza Kase, thousands of people have attended training seminars and maintained an annual Kinesio Taping Association International membership (KTAI). "Sure it costs some money to become certified, but people won't spend money on programs or treatments that don't work. And can you really put a price on the life of even one human being?"

The Kinesio Taping Method® promoted by KTAI is a powerful technique proven to improve pain and increase lymphatic drainage by lifting the superficial layers of underlying skin a little bit. "This lifting forms complexulations in the skin that enlargen the interspatial vestibules," Kase explained. "This reduces inflammation in the underlying skin, muscles, bone, and DNA. When you are treated by a certified practitioner, you will be always be treated with a specific application of Kinesio tape based on the Kinesio Taping Method® and tailored specifically to your specifics."

Chiropractors Look to Expand Role as Pediatric Safety Experts.....

Media, PA - The International Chiropractic Pediatric Association (ICPA) has announced plans to redefine and expand the role of chiropractors as pediatric safety experts in 2023.

This small child would be alive today if his family had followed the recommendations found on the ICPA Safe Spines, Minds, and Little Behinds® pamphlet, which cautions parents to avoid letting their child drink from the toilet

"We couldn't be more proud of the work put into this initiative," ICPA Executive Director Justin Ohm explained. "With our campaign, you will see pediatric chiropractors all over the world focusing on education and outreach that will protect children, help their caregivers sleep easier at night, and fill in the gaps ignored by pediatricians and family physicians when it comes to safety."

The ICPA Safe Spines, Minds and Little Behinds® campaign will consist of pamphlets, books, talk radio and morning show appearances, and even an animated special set to air on PBS Late Nite Jr., all featuring Spiney, the Safety Hedgehog. Spiney will take children, and their parents, on a magical journey that teaches general safety tips developed by a team of highly trained chiropractic experts with several weekends of experience learning about pediatric health. According to Ohm, this effort will put pediatric chiropractors at the forefront of child safety where they belong. "Spiny is going to go down as one of the greatest public service mascots of all time, right up there with Smokey the Bear, McGruff the Crime Dog, and Cosmo Condom the Intergalactic Prophylactic."

A young child, shown here checking the sky for falling Chinese satellite parts after participating in a Safe Spines, Minds, and Little Behinds® pilot program at the Lil' Stinkers Daycare Center near the ICPA headquarters

The ICPA will be handing out the new child safety pamphlets in chiropractic clinics, gym entrances, grocery store parking lots, and community health fairs held on Saturday mornings in a local high school gym. In addition to warnings about unsafe toilet water consumption, the pamphlet will also include recommendations to check children's shoes for spiders, ensure proper eye protection during internet use, and many more. The Safe Spines, Minds, and Little Behinds® campaign kicks off on January 1st.

Positive Affirmations Losing Effectiveness, New Study Finds.....

Los Angeles, CA - A new study has found that positive daily affirmations have continued to lose effectiveness since their peak in the early 1990s, with some people now fully resistant.

A woman, resistant to even the most advanced daily affirmations, shown here desperately eating a salad and cackling madly into the void

"Simple positive statements, even when said or heard on a daily basis, just aren't cutting it anymore," American College of Life Coaching (ACLC) certified coach Angina Wallmarsh explained. "I can tell some people that they deserve happiness, or that they are good enough, over and over and...nothing. No shift in mindset. No reduction in negative feelings. I mean there is just no response, and it scares the crap out of me."

Affirmations are simple and positive phrases used to help challenge negative thoughts and increase motivation to make positive life changes. The first affirmation was discovered by accident in 1963 when a Manhattan psychotherapist noticed an unusual increase in a client's self-esteem after being told that she had a nice face and could definitely score herself a man if she just lost a few pounds in some places and maybe put a few on in others. The rest is history.

This crude and rudimentary first effort opened the door to a revolution in positive psychology. Affirmations were quickly refined and gained widespread popularity because of their immediate positive impact. After nearly two decades, however, the first reports in the literature of decreased effectiveness in some people emerged. This was counteracted at first by increasing the exposure to an affirmation through simple repetition. 

Daily repetition was a powerful advance in the practice, and it did more than simply account for the relatively minor development of affirmation resistance seen in the 1980s. In the early 1990s, in fact, it seemed as if there was nothing that couldn't be accomplished through the incorporation of a few of these powerful phrases into our daily routines. But by the end of the decade, therapists and life coaches were starting to see people resorting to telling themselves the same affirmations hundreds of times each week to avoid getting caught up in negative self-talk and to restore more adaptive personal narratives.

The new study looking into decreasing effectiveness of affirmations, published this week in Online Publishing Module #792 - Positive Psychology is Amazing And So Are You!, reports the first cases of complete resistance. Wallmarsh, who once stood in line behind Reese Witherspoon at a Michael's Craft Store in Nashville, remains optimistic. "Moving forward, we will just need to focus on inspirational self-talk that is even broader in scope and much more emotionally significant. We can do this."

In response to the study, the ACLC has published a guide for coaches and the public that includes some examples of potential affirmations for use supporting anyone developing affirmation resistance: 

1. I am the light that illuminates all existence.

2. My life is a beacon of hope for all, a lighthouse that guides the cosmos through the chaos of the void.

3. Join my being and be consumed in the fire of my womanly kiln.

4. I am prophesy made flesh, the final form of the inevitable.

5. I am like Oprah, but on a multidimensional scale where, quite literally, everybody gets a car.

Halloween Fentanyl A Bust for Nation's Drug Dealers, Report Finds.....

Washington, D.C. - According to a new Bureau of Economic Analysis report, the controversial plan to give free fentanyl to children on Halloween has resulted in a financial loss of several billion dollars for the nation's drug dealers.

The FSA Millennial Engagement Task Force, shown here high as fuck and just after finalizing plans to buy ad space on Quibi in November of 2020

"I guess it's back to the drawing board," Fentanyl Suppliers of America (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "Who would have thought that giving an expensive drug away to children with low potential of becoming regular paying customers would have failed as a means of generating short term profit and as a marketing strategy to recruit potential future customers?"

The marketing department at the FSA has had a bad track record as of late when it comes to marketing fentanyl. Gunderson, who also played a key role in greenlighting the failed Jordan almonds initiative, is accepting full blame. "I wonder if my problem is that I've lost sight of something really important. Why are we doing this? I mean, what is the reason we work so hard to sell this illegal, highly addictive, and extremely dangerous drug to anyone who has the money to pay for it? I think at some point I knew the answer to that question, and somewhere along the way I lost track of what really matters. And I think it's people. This is a people business."

Toddler Experts Release Long Awaited Update to Dietary Guidelines.....

Washington, D.C. - A committee consisting of experts from USDA Jr. and HHS Kidz! has released a long awaited update to the Dietary Guidelines initially unveiled in 2020.

Two members of the Midmorning Snack Task Force, shown here discussing a recent study published in Highlights High Five Magazine on the benefits of eating chicken nuggets at every meal

"The 2020-2025 Dietary Guidelines were confusing in a few important areas," 5-year-old USDA Jr. dietician Li'l Mortie Fishman explained. "Hopefully this update will provide more than a morsel of clarity when it comes to preparing meals for children. I said morsel. Do you get it? Because I don't. I'm this many years old.*"

Every five years, the U.S. Departments of Health and Human Services and Agriculture combine their efforts to update and release a set of Dietary Guidelines based on the latest science in the fields of nutrition and human health. According to Fishman, who recently went a full month without wetting the bed and turned his stars in for trip to the National Zoo, these guidelines have not always taken input from children aged 2 to 5 years into account. "There were a lot of unanswered questions that left many of us overtired while trying to work out a meal plan with our mommies, daddies, or the 20-year-old German girl who lives in our guest room and takes me to the park."

After a lengthy series of contentious sessions between Cocomelon and midmorning snack time, the members of the committee have recommended the following 8** additions to the Dietary Guidelines:

1. No more putting raisins in things, and limit raisins as a solo snack to no more than once a week

2. Chicken nuggets are an acceptable daily dinner, especially if paired with ketchup and you let me squirt the ketchup

3. No! Mac & cheese. I want mac & cheese!

4. It's mine. Noooo! It's mine!! I want it!!!

5. Some foods belong on the floor or in my hair, that's just science.

6. To date, no randomized controlled trials support the belief that eating dessert first will spoil dinner.

7. I don’t want it. No! No carrots!! I hate you stupid mommy.

8. Just mush everything all together.

*At this point in the conversation, Li'l Mortie held up four fingers with his left hand and then added the thumb after some gentle prompting from his mother. 

**Eight is as high as the expert committee could count at the time.

Alcoholics Anonymous to Streamline Outdated Twelve-Step Program.....

New York, NY- In response to mounting criticism from addiction experts and sagging membership among Generation Z alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous has announced that it will revise their twelve guiding principles, or steps, for the first time since the original publication of "The Big Book" in 1939.

Alcoholic zoomers, shown here all like, "Hey, check out this website for Alcoholics Anonymous. They totally get us. Radical!"

"The world has changed in the 86 years since Bob Smith first took his last drink," Alcoholics Anonymous General Service Board Chairperson Linda Chezem explained. "Today's modern alcoholic is looking for a faster paced, streamlined, and more engaging program, and Alcoholics Anonymous is nothing if not malleable and open to new ideas."

The biggest challenge for the team at Alcoholics Anonymous was deciding which steps could be updated with a younger audience in mind, and which steps weren't salvageable at all. Chezem admitted, however, that a few of the steps were pretty easy to leave on the cutting room floor. "It's important to be open to change and to admit that alcohol has made your life unmanageable, but does being sober really need to be such a negative experience? Young adults don't want to focus so much on character defects and personal shortcomings, they want to feel special...because they are special!”   

Actor Cole S., shown here portraying Jughead Jones on Riverdale, will be heavily featured on the new Alcoholics Anonymous TikTok account

Alcoholics Anonymous will begin rolling out the updated steps later this month and plan additional changes next year. According to Chezem, these "Phase 2" changes will likely be the most controversial. "We won't be discouraging drinking by focusing on our failures as human being so much as encouraging sobriety with delicious mocktail recipes and fun themed meetings, like Mocktoberfest Mondays and Riverdale viewing parties. And getting rid of all the secrecy, with out “Full Name Fridays!” campaign, will be a big step towards reducing the stigma still faced by alcoholics."

New Study Finds that Children are in Constant Danger.....

Tucson, AZ- Shocking new research funded by the Institute for Safe Children (ISC), a Republican think tank based out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix, is revealing that virtually all children, regardless of their age and location, are in constant and serious danger.

A group of young children smiling as they imagine a country ruled by conservative leaders, without the fear of a man giving back to his community by reading to children at a local library while wearing make-up and a dress

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Hank Whiteman explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certainly going to die at any moment from something. Probably not anything you would think of either, but something you've never heard of and can do nothing to prevent except for helping to save the country from Pelosi, election fraud, activist Democrat judges, CRT, woke, and open borders in November."

The research, which involved surveys of nationally syndicated conservative talk radio hosts, registered voters in Wyoming, people yelling at school board meetings, that guy at work who still says "let's go Brandon", and republican governors, does have its critics. Mort Fishman, a pediatrician and vocal member of the American College of Pediatricians, is concerned that the announcement of the study's findings might mislead some parents:

"The media coverage so far has only focused only on nebulous claims of imminent yet undefined danger facing all children everywhere, leaving families to come up with their own nightmare scenarios. And while the data clearly does support the near certainty of every child's painful and agonizing demise, probably when their parents least suspect it, caregivers must also be made aware of all the specific recognized threats to their children as well as how it's all Biden and the Democrats fault."

Fishman recommends that parents take at least a few hours out of every day to practice what he calls "focused fear". This involves dedicated visualization of their child being murdered by an immigrant, eating mouthfuls of rainbow fentanyl given to them by a stranger on Halloween, being forcibly vaccinated with an experimental drug that controls their DNA, learning about evolution in school, watching a grandparent suffer the indignity of receiving social security retirement benefits, or seeing two adult men lovingly hold hands while walking in the park. “Really surrender to the fear and shoot for a heart rate of about 180 beats per minute.” 

Antibiotic Stewardship Enforcement Agency Asks Parents to Watch for Unnecessary Antibiotics in Halloween Candy.....

Arlington, VA - The United States Antibiotic Stewardship Enforcement Agency (ASEA) is warning parents to be on the lookout this Halloween for unnecessary antibiotics in their children's candy.

A pile of loose antibiotics recently confiscated at Los Angeles International Airport and containing enough clavulanic acid to cause diarrhea in every child in Pittsburgh

"Halloween is one of most exciting days of the year for families, " ASEA Administrator Mike Lee, MD explained. "The last thing that a child or their caregivers should have to worry about is contributing to the development of extended spectrum beta-lactamase producing bacteria that put us all at risk of living in a post-antibiotic hellscape of our own making."

Dr. Lee and his colleagues at the ASEA are asking parents, grandparents, and even non-pedophile uncles to sort through any collected Halloween candy for potential loose antibiotics. "These pills, tablets, and capsules can resemble actual candy. Children are stupid and could easily confuse an oral third-generation cephalosporin for a Tic Tac, a Mike and Ike, or even a SweeTart. And don't get me started on those ceftaroline gummies. Why is everything a gummy now? It's getting ridiculous. It's not just me...right?"