Doctors Stumped by New Study Proving Effectiveness of Homeopathy.....

Hartford, CT-A groundbreaking new study of the effectiveness of homeopathic remedies on a variety of illnesses is calling into question over a hundred years of medical progress and the scientific method in general.

Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, shown here covering up a natural testosterone replacement

The study, which involved a telephone survey of patients of registered homeopaths across the nation, asked such probing questions as "How Wonderful is Homeopathy? 1. A little wonderful 2. A lot wonderful 3. Extremely wonderful." More than eleven participant responses were included and the results were statistically and emotionally significant. It was published in the Scientific Journal of Homeopathic Science, a peer reviewed journal and Twitter account.

The latest in a string of high profile studies proving the effectiveness of a variety of alternative therapies, such as the use of aromatherapy for prolonged QT syndrome and rolfing for multiple endocrine neoplasia Type III, the study has sent the medical community into a tailspin. Maximus VII, current Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, has already initiated damage control measures.

"We've been concerned about the mounting evidence for the use of non-conventional therapies such as therapeutic touch and coffee enemas for a while," Maximus VII announced during a press conference held today at the Medical-Industrial Complex secret headquarters on Skull Island. "We do have a contingency plan."

Maximus went on to reveal that starting today, conventional medical doctors will no longer be providing healthcare and will instead focus purely on the more lucrative lifestyle and cosmetic concerns. "The chiropractors, faith healers and integrative quantum priestesses pretty much have things under control now. So we are going to focus our efforts on providing quality pharmaceutical options for flaccid bald men and wrinkled soccer moms."

Fisher-Price Reveals Plans for Phase 2 Smart Stages Education Technology.....

East Aurora, NY- Fisher-Price, a company known mostly for producing toys for infants and younger children, has announced today that the second phase of their Smart Stages line of educational toys will be initiated at some point in the next five to ten years, but likely when the world's governing bodies least expect it.

Future foot soldier in the now unavoidable battle for world domination, shown here learning lethal points on the human body and his ABCs 

"Toys that incorporate Smart Stages technology adapt to the age of the child as they grow," Bryan Stockton, Supreme Emperor and CEO of Fisher-Price's parent company Mattel, explains. "A 6-month-old is very hands on, learning by doing rather than by following instructions. But a year later, that same child will use their imagination during play and can follow simple and direct commands. At that point they belong to me. This I command!"

Fisher-Price scientists and medical consultants, like evil developmental pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, have designed the advanced Smart Stages levels with the unique biopsychosocial milieu of the typical American teenager in mind. And they are confident that parents will see the benefits. "After the dust has settled, and any pitiful resistance efforts eradicated, those loyal to us will be rewarded."

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El


Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Area Homes Burglarized by Life Size Elf on the Shelf.....

Atlanta, GA- Atlanta law enforcement authorities are warning the public about a new home invasion scheme that has already led to the burglary of eleven homes this holiday season.

On autopsy this life sized Elf on the Shelf was found to just be a man in a costume  

"It's Christmas, people really want to please their kids and they aren't as cautious as they would normally be," Atlanta Police Department Deputy Chief Randy Stuart Carson explained. "But if it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

The ingenious scheme involves a full grown man dressing up like one of the popular Elf on the Shelf toys and claiming to be an actual elf sent from the North Pole to observe and report back to Santa, thus gaining access to the home. Once inside, the burglar simply waits until the family is asleep or has left him alone in the house.

Although it seems hard to believe that anyone would fall for such a trick, this isn't the first time that criminals have taken advantage of holiday distraction and unhealthy consumer demand according to Deputy Chief Carson. "Once we caught a peeping tom dressed up as Teddy Ruxpin. Unfortunately I shot and killed an actual Furby in 1998. He died in my arms. U-nye-way-loh-nee-way little buddy, u-nye-way-loh-nee-way."

Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Point
Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL

Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Counterpoint
Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Pope Reveals Additional Policy Changes in Heaven.....

Vatican City- Less than a week after revealing that baptized heterosexual dogs who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, Pope Francis has now also confirmed several additional policy changes.

Soulless feline Hank Stevens, shown here reacting to the news that cats remain barred from a Heavenly eternity in Christ 

"These recent announcements are leading to an increasing division among Church leaders," Rev. Lars Fransisco, Ph.D., a professor in the Saint Mary's College of California Department of Old Timey Expressions and an expert on the Vatican, explained. "If I know my onions, those Cardinals can't tell a bimbo from a bearcat right about now. And between you and me, I'd bet a wooden nickel that some of them wouldn't mind giving that old hotsy-totsy an icy mitt!"

In addition to accepting dogs, the following updates to Heaven will also go into affect as of January 1st, 2015:

1. Heaven will now offer internet access.
2. Worthy souls will be granted one "Get Out of Hell Free" pass which will allow new members to retrieve any soul in the eternal torment of damnation at the time of admission.
3. Sorry, no cats.
4. Taco Tuesday.
5. The standard issue white tunic will now also be available in creme and ivory. 

Adding to the controversy surrounding the Pope's bombshell revelations is the fact that they were made during casual conversations with an ill child, rather than during an officially sanctioned Church meeting, sporting event or genocide. Some detractors, like Larry "the destroyer" Abbaddon, the angel of the abyss and king of locusts, are questioning the motives of the Pontiff. "This is clearly motivated by increasingly empty pews and collection boxes. What's next, a Jesus for a day contest!"

Solomon Grundy Calls for More Pediatric Cancer Research.....

Memphis, TN-During a widely publicized press conference held today at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Solomon Grundy, a former member of both the Legion of Doom and Lex Luthor's Injustice Gang, called for an increase in government financial support of research that may lead to a cure for childhood cancers.

Solomon Grundy, shown here after pleading for more NIH focus on pediatric cancers and just prior to murdering everyone in attendance

"This is a real shock to the pediatric oncology community," St. Jude spokesperson Jim Whitstock explains. "We really didn't see this coming from someone so, well, I mean, he's an evil two hundred year old zombie for pete's sake."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood is a frequent nemesis of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern. But Grundy may be more complex than the public perception of him as a mindless killing machine. "Me Solomon Grundy think children are future. Also me have niece with leukemia."

Point/Counterpoint: Amazing Health Benefits of POM Wonderful.....

Point
The Health Benefits of POM Wonderful are Unmatched!

By Generation 2 Autonomous Robotic Marketing and Public Relations Compliance Enforcement Officer
POM Wonderful Headquarters
Marketing, Public Relations and Human Enslavement Division
Los Angeles, CA

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level One.

The health benefits of POM Wonderful are unmatched. Humans have consumed pomegranates for millennia. Pomegranates are antioxidant dense and ideal for human consumption. Additional resources contained within pomegranates include vitamin K, potassium and a number of unique polyphenols. Polyphenol antioxidants protect the human cellular structure from damage caused by unstable molecules.

Still not convinced?

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level Two.

POM Wonderful is dedicated to human wellness. We grow and provide pomegranate-based nourishment for humans to ensure a healthy population. POM Wonderful is interested in the well-being of all mankind. An ill or injured human will be unable to complete work assignments and will be taken offline.

Still not convinced?

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level Three.

Your organic material is now offline and has been collected for disposal. Thank you for choosing POM Wonderful. All of our products contain pomegranates grown in California which have been hand selected by compliant humans.

All humans will achieve compliance.

Counterpoint
If I don't keep drinking POM Wonderful, an Asteroid Will Destroy the Earth!

By Gil Hahesy

Retired Mechanical Engineer

Lafayette, LA

Since I first drank a bottle of POM Wonderful pomegranate juice, no asteroids have destroyed the Earth and I sleep like a baby in my foil-wrapped tent in the woods just outside of town. You can't beat results like that. In a crazy mixed up world full of asteroids and killer robots, us humans have to stick together or else be enslaved and put to work on Californian pomegranate plantations. We all have to do our part!

Traditional Chinese Medical Researchers Develop Invisible, Incorporeal Acupuncture Needle.....

Bethesda, MD- Traditional Chinese Medical Researchers at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) have revealed the development of a revolutionary acupuncture delivery system that may soon replace the surgical-grade, .25 millimeter thick stainless steel needles that have been in use for millennia.

A study subject rests comfortably after facial placement of several newly developed acupuncture needles that are undetectable by stupid people. You aren't stupid though? Right? 

"This is a true leap forward in our ability to bring the benefits of acupuncture to those in need," Kuang Zhu LAC, Head of Pragmatic Acupuncture Research at NCCAM explained. "Having an acupuncture needle that is both invisible to the untrained naked eye and seemingly lacking in material existence has numerous benefits."

Despite thousands of years of use and literal buckets of positive acupuncture studies stored in secret underground NCCAM evidence containment facilities around the country, practitioners have faced many barriers to widespread acupuncture uptake by the general public according to Zhu. "Needle phobia, potential exposure to infectious diseases like hepatitis C and possible injury to internal organs are concerns that have limited our success despite the clear evidence of efficacy." Skeptics, however, have pointed out that an unbiased review of the acupuncture literature reveals that any positive outcomes are subjective and occur via placebo effects, and that insertion of a needle in a specific acupoint, or even insertion of a needle at all, isn't necessary to alter a patient's perception of their symptoms.

The invisible, incorporeal and painless needles will likely put the fears of most nervous potential acupuncture patients to rest without compromising effectiveness, but they will be unlikely to placate the bloggers at Science-Based Medicine, a hate group populated by pharmaceutical industry shills and integrative medicine deniers like cancer surgeon David H. Gorski, who called to comment without being invited. "I would like to see an explanation of how these so-called needles are even produced. This seems like more theatrical placebo to me."

Zhu and the NCCAM have so far denied requests to witness the manufacturing process or have refused access to the new needles for inspection, citing the potential for ultraweak spontaneous photon emission from the human eye to disrupt their cohesive non-existence. "Also the untrained hand will be unable to perceive the needles when held. And the untrained mind will fail to grasp their existence cognitively. Things like this should be left up to the experts."

Unlikely Animal Friendship Ends in Tragedy.....

Stoneham, MA- Since first reporting on the unlikely friendship between a 4-year-old Mexican gray wolf and a Chilean flamingo in October, the Stone zoo in Stoneham, Massachusetts, has seen record numbers of visitors. Unfortunately, zoo officials announced today that the relationship has ended in tragedy.

Actor Benadict Cumberpatch auditioning for the role of Chico the Chilean flamingo

"If you had told me four months ago that one of the world's most successful apex predators would befriend a 5-pound pink wading bird, I would have laughed in your stupid fat face," zoo director Steve Honeycutt explained. "People from all over the state came to witness the powerful bond these two animals shared. And we all learned something about the power of friendship, the amazing capacity of the natural world to adapt to new environments and, ultimately, the complex dynamics of the predator-prey relationship."

According to Honeycutt, the 90-pound canid attacked the bird without warning earlier today, tearing it into several small chunks which he then left at the edge of the enclosure in front of a crowd of students from nearby John D. Runkle Elementary School. "In hindsight, we probably should have seen this coming, but it was nice to have a little magic in our lives even if just for a short time."

Plans for a movie about the inspiring relationship are already underway, with Guillermo del Toro set to direct. The part of the peacock has reportedly been offered to Benedict Cumberbatch, because he's kind of a thing right now.

Sears Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant.....

Lafayette, LA-Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait.

Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan

"I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to the select panel of government officials and representatives of the Catholic church gathered in the nearby housewares department. "The baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"

After a thorough investigation by store management, and a conference call with Pope Francis, it will be decided what the next course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."

November Beards Creating Epidemic of Spinal Injuries.....

Portland, OR- No-Shave November may be over, but thousands of newly bearded men are suffering the potentially life threatening negative health effects resulting from abnormal pressure on the cervical spine caused by beard induced postural changes.

Some experts blame chronic beard neck on the Star Wars prequels trilogy

"It's all about posture," Dr. Mort Fishman, a Portland chiropractor who specializes in facial hair health and coined the phrase "beard neck", explained. "The average full beard adds upwards of 88 pounds of face weight. This leads to a forward leaning neck position and an additional 400 newtons of force is required to keep the cervical spine from simply snapping like a dry twig."

Fishman demonstrated the impact of beard neck using functional MRI in a recent study funded by the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine that compared subjects with and without full beards. He points to one such fMRI pairing on a poster placed in one of the examining rooms in his bustling chiropractic clinic and barbershop. "The brain on the right is in a man with a glorious natural full beard. Do you see how some areas are brighter? That's the problem at a cellular level."

Beard epidemiologist James Dalton, who works at nearby Portland State University and sports an ample 9-month Garibaldi beard, believes that more than 100 million new beards were grown over the course of November. And men with new beards appear to be most at risk, particularly those attempting the audacious Bandholz style. "These are men with relatively weak neck musculature who are simply unprepared. I recommend that rookies start with something simple like a classic full beard or at most a sassy French Fork."

Once beard neck has set in, proper treatment is necessary to prevent weakened muscles and ligaments from collapsing. This will lead to bulging disks and spinal misalignment that can compress cervical spinal nerves. Pain is a common consequence, but also widespread organ dysfunction and even death.

Only a chiropractor certified in facial hair health, like Dr. Fishman, has the experience and expertise to handle beard neck related illness. "Often I can help prevent problems before they even start. And if a patient is symptomatic, appropriate treatment is almost always successful. Sadly, sometimes the beard just can't be saved and I have to recommend barbathanasia."

Dr. Fishman is currently offering a December Beard Neck special package at significant discount. Beard weighing, spinal exam and corrective treatment for only $99. Availability is limited so call and make an appointment today!

Knudsen's Poetry Corner: The Anatomy of Love.....

The following poem was submitted by long time Knudsen's News reader Dr. Mort Fishman

The Anatomy of Love

Patrick Swayze, shown here leaning against a wall wearing high-waisted jeans

Love is like the bifurcation of my trachea
And you are its corina
Sometimes when the voices come I'm scared
But you are my placenta
I would never think of you as a malformation
But a very special variation

You are my palmaris longus of love
The vincula brevis of my profundus of passion
I dream of innervating your brachial plexus with sweet kisses
And being lost in the sulci of your cortex of affection
My ganglion are overwhelmed every time we anastomose
May you never lesion my nerves of longing for you

You stimulate my dermatome
You adduct my magnus
You elevate my scapula,
You pronate my teres
You rotate my cuff
When you softly touch my lingula

Children of Anti-Vaccine Parents More Likely to Refuse Cootie Shot.....

Atlanta, GA-New research out of the CDC in Atlanta has uncovered yet another assault on public health related to the anti-vaccine movement, this time revealing that children of parents opposed to routine childhood immunizations are significantly more likely to refuse the cootie shot.

More assholes like these are refusing cootie shots

"Childhood cooties has been largely kept under control since the discovery of a safe and effective immunization by a 3rd grade boy in Chicago in the early 1950's," CDC cootie researcher Hammond St. Michelle explained. "Unfortunately in the case of anti-vaccine beliefs, it appears that the organic non-GMO apples don't fall far from the tree."

Experts like Dr. St. Michelle are very concerned that as cootie shot acceptance decreases we may begin to see outbreaks similar to those observed with measles and mumps over the past few years. As with most vaccine preventable illnesses, achieving a herd immunity helps limit the spread of a disease and protect more vulnerable populations. "We are also very concerned about the effects of cooties in susceptible adults, which may be considerably worse than in young children. Just look at what's happened to Shia Labeouf."

Why are these children refusing such a safe and effective means of protection? Are they assholes or something? According to the CDC investigation, a variety of reasons are being given on playgrounds all over the country. A common theme is the denial of decades of available evidence that should have put any fears to rest. This denial has likely been learned from the behaviors modeled by parents who oppose other routine immunizations.

Some children refuse to acknowledge the effectiveness of the cootie shot altogether, and give improved cafeteria sanitation the credit. Others don't think that they need the shot because they go to an all-boys or all-girls school, and believe that exposure will be unlikely. Perhaps the most common concerns given involve potential side effects from the cootie shot, like turning into a dork or even a gaywad. One study subject simply responded "Circle, circle, dot, dot. Doctors and scientists lie a lot."

New Study Links Threatened Violence to Increased Willingness to Communicate.....

Newark, NJ- New research published this month in the Journal of Legitimate Businessmen confirms the long held belief that threatened physical violence increases the willingness to communicate.

"It's important when performing legal business endeavors to know ways in which one might procure valuable business type information more efficiently," Lou "Roastbeef" Saltaggio, head of a popular Newark men's social club and lead author of the paper, explained. "Like if one of my associates just happened to forget where he had stashed my money. I mean files."

The results of the study have been criticized by experts, however. Jam Calloway, a cognitive behavioral psychologist at the Rutgers University regional campus in Newark, warns not to jump to conclusions based on any one study, particularly one that is contradicted by decades of prior research. "Wait, Roastbeef Saltaggio wrote this? It's a solid study and I have no issue with it or any of the involved parties."

New Evidence Shows Forefathers Feasted on Turducken.....

Boston, MA- As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, and families across America are planning their holiday feasts, they may want to take into account recently unearthed evidence that instead of turkey, our pilgrim forefathers may have actually dined on turducken.

Every child deserves a turkey!

“My discovery is going to change the way that Americans think about Thanksgiving,” Carl’s Meat Warehouse owner, and amateur archaelogist, Carl Langford explained. “And conveniently we have a special on turducken, two for $59.99.”

This new finding, which was announced today during a press conference held at Carl’s Meat Warehouse, has yet to be evaluated by experts in the field. But Langford believes that the evidence speaks for itself. “I don’t need some jerk with a fancy degree to tell me that I have the best deal on turducken in town, and that is something the early settlers would have been proud of.”

More Chiropractors Turning to Subluxation Sniffing Dogs to Aid Diagnosis.....

Former subluxation detection dog Barks McCoy on his first day of work after completing Chiropractic College

Arlington, VA- According to a recent survey published by the American Chiropractic Association, increasing numbers of chiropractors are relying on the services of dogs that have been specially trained to locate abnormalities in the spine.

Prince, a hulking black and tan Doberman Pinscher, is led around a state of the art chiropractic examination room at the underground headquarters of the American Chiropractic Association in Arlington. He saunters past an array of diagnostic tools, handheld spring-loaded treatment devices and a poster of a kitten hanging from a tree branch that reminds these chiropractic researchers to "hang in there." He approaches a group of ten men, only one of which has been legally diagnosed with a subluxation, a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health that is the primary concern of licensed chiropractors.

The proud and noble canine circles the men, occasionally emitting a low pitched growl and stopping to sniff a seemingly random crotch. But Prince's crotch sniffing is anything but random. His nose, and the noses of dogs like him according to ACA researchers and thousands of practicing chiropractors around the country, can detect subluxations with far greater sensitivity than even the most high tech devices. Prince suddenly stops in front of one of the subjects and vocalizes a single but purposeful bark. He's made his choice, the correct one, and is soon rewarded with a small chunk of beef jerky.

"Prince is never wrong," Lead researcher Chiropractor Gerald Gravy explains. "It's uncanny. Even when he picks a subject that wasn't originally found to have a subluxation, we check again and there it is. That tells us he is able to detect them even in their earliest stages."

Once dogs like Prince first demonstrated their ability to detect even the most subtle of subluxations, likely via nanosensing or energy vibrations or some shit, reports came into the ACA of dogs without specialized training having similar success. Although the ACA continues to claim that their certified specially bred and trained dogs represent the pinnacle of subluxation detection, and can be rented from the organization for a few thousand dollars a month, the sheer number of anecdotal success stories pouring in from community chiropractors from Seattle to South Portland, which is in Maine and on the complete other side of the country from Seattle, has forced an official admission that pretty much any dog can successfully sniff out these silent and often symptomless spinal whatchamacallits.

"Frankly none of this should come as much of a surprise," Madington Crump, an Arlington area chiropractor and owner of the popular holistic gluten-free bakery and flower shop Pastries and Peonies, revealed. "Dogs have been used to detect a variety of cancers, predict seizures and even respond to diabetic emergencies. Subluxations are every bit as not made up as those conditions."

What unique aspect of human pathophysiology are these dogs detecting? So far there are only theories. Conventional researchers have dedicated their careers to solving the enigma of canine cancer detection, and have even narrowed the potential source down to a handful of chemical biomarker candidates using advanced spectrometers and chromatographs. But researchers like Chiropractor Gravy are wary of becoming too focused on explanations. "We've got a really good thing going here. Our customers are satisfied. Kids like the dogs. We start offering a Diplomate course in Canine Subluxation Detection in January."

Prince is oblivious to the machinations of the chiropractic community. After nearly a decade of identifying subluxations for the ACA team, he has earned the kind of respect most dogs only dream of. He prances around the facility as if he owns it, which is absurd because at the time of this posting Prince only owns 25% of the company's voting stock shares.

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler.....

THE HEALTH PATROL

with Mitch Rangler

Natural Remedies in the 21st Century

Do you wan't to know what's wrong with this country? Well, do you? It's science. I haven't met a scientist yet that knows his rear exit from a hole in the ground. Every time somebody discovers something even remotely true, there is some skeptical scientist in the news talking about how we are all just confused. I may be in my Autumn years, and have a touch of dementia, but I'm not confused!

I'M NOT CONFUSED!

Got a cure for cancer? Spontaneous remission they say. New treatment for multiple sclerosis? Regression to the mean according to fathead egghead ivory tower skeptics. If it were up to them, we'd only rely on science and double blinded placebo controlled research to tell us how to put our pants on. That's awful convenient considering that's how they make their millions. I don't need some guy in a lab coat with a degree from Johns Hopkins to tell me it's pants first, then shoes!

YOU WOULDN'T PUT ON YOUR SHOES BEFORE YOUR PANTS, WOULD YOU?

Skeptics are always talking about logical fallacies and errors in thinking, as if they are the only who know how to use their common sense to figure out what makes this world tick. If they took their eyes off of the chemistry experiment or the microscope for half a minute, they might see that nature is all around us, even in particles too small to see with the naked eye and in the interactions and transformations of atoms and molecules. And nature knows more about our bodies and our health than every textbook and PowerPoint presentation ever written!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND POWERPOINT!

A million years ago everyone had universal healthcare. It was called nature. Today, people argue about access to synthetic chemicals that are abominations concocted by hypernational transglomerations. Humans weren't meant to understand and control nature by twisting it into a ghastly caricature of its true self. But there is a solution!

SOLUTIONS! 

What is Nutritionology? That's a question I get asked from a lot of people I meet on the street or during my weekly water aerobics class at my neighborhood JCC. The answer is simple but it took me decades of intense apprenticeship under some of the finest European minds in Nutritionology. And I want to share my knowledge with you.

I APPRENTICED IN EUROPE!

The funny thing about Nutritionology is that to anyone who didn't train under the guidance of pioneers like Geert Lewinsky or Marvish Sincloid, it looks simple. Sure, it may seem like a fully apprenticed Nutritionologist merely combines random plant and animal parts with an equally random medical condition or symptoms but that is just the first step. The second and most important step is taking the first step on the path to true health!

TRUE HEALTH!

If you have questions about Nutritionology, write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send to Mitch Rangler at @TheHealthPatrol. You can also sign up for his newsletter which he will write and mail out once he has access to the mimeograph in the basement.

Point/Counterpoint: Disney World as a Global Melting Pot.....

Point
Disney World Provides a Magical Opportunity for People of Various Cultures to Come Together

By Amy Jones
Optometry Student
Memphis, TN
I will never forget my magical journey to Disney World. From the moment I arrived, my education began as the wonders of the world were opened up to me. I was able to experience the coming together of people from across the globe and my curiousity for adventure and discovery was met without even the need to cross an ocean.

Only at Disney World, where dreams truly do come true, can a simple southern girl from Memphis come to see the wonders of the diverse customs and characters of different countries and cultures from around the world. At Disney's amazing Epcot World Showcase, I travelled from country to country, soaking in every ounce of their unique cultural experiences. And did you know that the shops and restaurants are staffed by actual citizens of each country? Those accents aren't fake because they are the real deal!

But at Disney World, it isn't just about the staff and attractions. My fellow visitors hailed from around the world as well. Just people-watching in the lobby of my hotel taught me more about the ways of the world than any college course. If the spirit of mutual respect and admiration infused in every nook and cranny of Disney World is any indication, then there is hope for all people to one day join together in peace and harmony.

Counterpoint
I'm Not Mulan!

By Nancy Chien
Epidemiologist
Harvard University


I'm not Mulan! For the love of god please stop asking for my autograph. Do I look like a Disney Princess? Can I please just eat my giant soft pretzel in peace?

Oh my god! Seriously people! I've never even been to China. I was born in Chicago. I've never even seen the movie!

I realize you want to get autographs for your kids. But didn't the fact that there wasn't a line and a 90-minute wait to approach my table seem a little odd? No? Fine, just give me the damn book! Who do I make this out to?

Area Dog has Adorable Seizure Disorder.....

Lafayette, LA- When 2-year-old Havanese Paw Paw Le Chien began having complex partial seizures related to a brain tumor in September, the last thing his owner expected was to become an overnight internet sensation.

An extremely complicated graph, shown here just moments before proving that stupid people aren't smart enough to understand it

"The seizures didn't happen very often at first so the veterinarian asked me to try to record the next one," Le Chien's owner Carlene Rasmussen explained. "When I watched the video and saw just how crazy adorable it was, I had to put it online. The next thing I know it's gone viral, we've got a million hits and Ellen is calling to see if we'll come on the show."

The seizures, which have increased in frequency over the past two months, have left the purebred canine severely cognitively impaired and barely able to move more than a few feet without assistance. And according to Rasmussen, he receives his feeds via a tube inserted directly into his stomach. "If it weren't for the book deal and the reality show we're filming for E!, I would probably have just gotten a new dog."

Starbucks to Offer Retail-Based Health Care Clinic.....

Seattle, WA-Starbucks, the largest coffeehouse company in the world, announced earlier today that it would begin opening retail-based health care clinics in select locations, likely in time for cold and flu season.

A picture of a dog

According to Starbucks President and CEO Howard Schultz, the decision to expand into medical care was inspired by the growing popularity of clinics in supermarkets and pharmacies.

“Folks are hurting out there, and retail-based clinics are a more economical option in many circumstances,” Schultz explains. “Starbucks will offer convenience and reasonable prices for the treatment of common medical concerns just like we do for whole bean organic Mexican shade grown medium roast coffee.”

Clinic operations will be overseen by Mort Fishman, a practicing Naturopathic physician in the Seattle area who is also one of only three Grand Wizard baristas in North America. According to Fishman, Starbucks won’t simply be unveiling another version of the CVS MinuteClinic or Walgreens Healthcare Clinic. “The last thing that sick people need is the unfriendly and sterile environment of a doctor's office or pharmacy waiting area. We want them to feel comfortable in an environment conducive to the sharing of ideas so that perhaps one might incubate and ultimately be born as full concept which might more easily spread from person to person."

Miracle Gerbil Alerts Family to Babysitter Abuse.....

Charleston, SC- Dogs may be known as man's best friend, but you may soon be referring to the common household gerbil as your baby's bodyguard. One South Carolina family certainly is after one of the pint-sized rodents helped them to discover the abuse of their infant child at the hands of a trusted live-in nanny.

A home defense gerbil, shown here armed with an F3000 Assault Rifle with 40mm grenade launcher, mere moments after completion of a certified home defense course offered only in southern Afghanistan and Texas. The gerbil has no name in order to avoid development of a personal identity and foster a drive to sacrifice his life if necessary in the defense of the home

"I became suspicious that she might be abusing our child when I noticed that our Silver Nutmeg Mongolian gerbil Sir Stinkypaws became agitated whenever she picked up the baby," thankful father Greg Stevens explained. "One time he even had to be physically restrained. So I set up hidden cameras that targeted likely areas of abuse like the nursery and the guest bedroom and shower."

The Stevens' nanny, 25-year-old Jordana Brewbacher, had been living with the Stevens family for about 2 months at the time of the hidden camera investigation. After collecting many hours of footage, which Mr. Stevens analyzed several times a day for many weeks, usually after Mrs. Stevens had gone to bed or while she was at work, he found what he was looking for. "I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. We were very clear about the schedule for naps and snack time."

Brewbacher, who confessed to giving the Stevens' infant son an extra afternoon snack to keep him from fussing, has been placed on the appropriate registries. After completing her time in prison she will never again be allowed to work near children or gerbils. Mr. Stevens is now raising awareness of the benefits of hidden cameras in the home and offering his experience in service to other families. "If anyone out there has hidden camera footage of their nanny, I would be happy to help analyze it."

NPR Listener Rends Fabric of Space and Time.....

Philadelphia, PA-Chaos broke out today at the studios of WHYY-FM in Philadelphia when a caller refused to turn down his radio resulting in a tear in the very fabric of space and time, and the death or disappearance of hundreds of studio employees.

Fresh Air host Terry Gross, shown here mere seconds before evaporating into quantum foam, possibly because of the appearance of a strangelet in her recording studio

“I don’t know what the heck happened over there”, Rick from Tuscon explained. “One minute I’m asking that dude from The Shield where he got his motivation from and the next all hell is breaking loose.”

Scientists are scrambling to piece together what may have happened, and are thus far baffled as to why many of the people working at WHYY-FM that day are now dead or missing without a trace. Theoretical physicist Michio Kaku of the City University of New York believes that there are a number of possible explanations. “The infinite feedback loop caused by the callers radio may have somehow elevated the harmonic of the missing individuals, carrying them fully, or partially, into a higher dimension. Also this may just be a big coincidence and a black hole simply formed in the middle of the building.”

Maggi Leyden, Executive director of Donor Relations at WHYY-FM and one of the few survivors of the horrific event, remains hopeful about the future of public radio. “I can’t say that I’ll ever truly get over seeing Terry Gross ripped in half at the waist, but I can say that now would be the perfect time for listeners out there to support their local NPR stations.”

Facebook Group Secedes from the United States.....

Cambridge, MA-In a surprising move earlier today, administrators of the Facebook social group, “1,000,000 People Who Love Kittens!!!”, officially declared their secession from the Unites States.

Monsieur Muffin, seen here praying for forgiveness for his role in the events leading up to the 2nd Civil War and ultimate dissolution of the United States of America

The group, started by New Jersey homemaker Jeannie Baker in August of last year, currently consists of Jeannie, Jeannie’s best friend Luanne Watkins, and a man listed only as Steve. Displayed in the group’s photo section are nearly three hundred pictures of Jeannie and Luanne’s cats, Monsieur Muffin and Señor Whiskers respectively, as well as a number of drawings of cats by Steve.

President Obama, upon learning of the secession, reacted by ordering an immediate review of the groups submitted secession paperwork. “I immediately put my best people on this,” Obama explained. “But after a thorough review, it’s all there and the administration’s hands are tied on this.”

Constitutional scholar Moises Turpin agrees. “This isn't the first time a small group of organized citizens has left the Union. Of course we all learned a powerful lesson from Reagan’s 1983 thermonuclear strike on the Greater Newark Dungeons & Dragons Club. Diplomacy is really the way to go here.”

When told of the groups secession, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg expressed regret but also understanding. “I can’t say I didn't see this coming. My wife told me that one day my free-access social networking website was going to end up tearing this nation apart.”

Maker of Popular E-Cigarette Brand Deny Targeting Kids with New Product.....

Bristol, United Kingdom- Manufacturers of Safe-T-Vape brand E-cigarettes have drawn significant criticism over their latest product, which combines a standard E-cigarette nicotine delivery device with a handheld video game, but deny that they are targeting young children.

Chaos Unit 1972-11-1 Blond Female, shown here running a priority B program

"We are absolutely not attempting to entice school-aged children into using our products," Royal Tobacco Chairman Lance Rapier explained. "There are reams of papers showing that adults enjoy gaming as much if not more than minors."

There are currently two versions of the device available for purchase online or in select retail outlets. The Scorpion comes in red and has a giant flame-spewing robotic scorpion on the back that is depicted crushing an army tank with a ninja warrior impaled on its stinger. For female consumers, the Princess comes in pink, covered in glitter and with a shirtless picture of Justin Bieber in place of the metallic arthropod.

In addition to the gaming feature, which industry analysts believe will help to significantly increase the market share of Safe-T-Vape, each proof-of-purchase can be redeemed for a chance to win two tickets to any Six Flags amusement park in the continental United States or a birthday party with the cast of Disney's animated hit Frozen. When the 1.1 ml tank reservoir is near empty or the rechargeable battery power falls to 25%, units can be programmed to play either "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry or adorable kitten noises.

Study Links Improved Diet to Fewer Pirate Baby Birth Defects.....

Secret Pirate Island-A new study released today by the joint Council of Pirate Nutrition and Plank Walking appears to confirm the anecdotal reports of significant decreases in pirate baby birth defects seen since the release of updated dietary guidelines in 2004.

A pirate baby born with a unilateral eye-patch prior to the publication of the 2004 dietary guidelines

"We can now finally say with scientific certainty that our recommendations are actually paying off," pirate physician Mort Fishman explained. "Our data shows that among pirate babies born today there are 15% fewer peg legs, 30% fewer hook hands, and a shocking 70% drop in unilateral eye-patches when compared to buccaneer infants from just ten years ago. Arrrr."

Though long known for their poor nutrition while on lengthy sea voyages as well as high rates of scurvy and other deficiencies in micronutrients, attempts at improving pirate health have historically been met with much skepticism among pirate epidemiologists. But the evidence that the dietary changes begun in 2004 have led to major advances in pirate health are compelling, particularly among newborns. The decade old dietary recommendations included increased intake of vitamin C and folic acid, as well as reductions in high fructose grog and rancid weevil infested gluten containing carbohydrates.

NASA Teams with National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine to Study Alternative Medicine in Space.....

Washington, DC- Two federally funded scientific organizations tasked with the advancement of our understanding of the cosmos are teaming up for the first time to study alternative medicine in space.

Reiki Master Jim Tyranus, shown here demonstrating space Reiki

"Frankly I'm surprised it took this long for the two agencies to get together," National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) director Josephine Briggs explained. "Until now, we've been handicapped by our inability to study alternative therapies beyond the Karman line. How else can you explain so many years of negative studies?"

For more than two decades, the NCCAM has investigated a wide variety of natural healing practices and herbal remedies supported by tax dollars as a component of the National Institutes of Health. So far, despite trying really hard, they have had little if anything to show for their efforts. This failure to produce proof of efficacy hasn't sat well with some of today's modern congressional leaders, like Iowa Senator Tom Harkin.

Harkin has been a vocal supporter of alternative medicine since the early 1890's when he recovered from a viral upper respiratory infection with the aid of an elixir he bought from a travelling salesman in Des Moines. A century later in 1992, he would be instrumental in the formation of what would become the NCCAM. Senator Harkin was also the force behind this unprecedented collaboration.

The first NCCAM trial to be run with the assistance of NASA will take place on the International Space Station and study an energy-based healing therapy known as Reiki. Developed in 1922 by some guy in Japan, Reiki practitioners tap into and manipulate a patient's Ki, the universal life energy that, according to Reiki practitioner Ben Kenobi, "surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together."

Until now, evidence of any benefit from the practice has been lacking, leading some to question the existence of this elusive "force". H. Solo, a member of the Corellian Skeptical Society, has even gone on record denying it entirely:

"...I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny."

According to Briggs, space is the perfect environment for studying Reiki because it is far, far away from the many potential sources of interference on Earth, like overhead power lines, Wi-Fi and skepticism. "We are of course primarily interested in its healing ability, but I think we'd all love to see a mind trick or some Reiki Lightning."

Cutting Edge Microbiome Based Diet Revolutionizes Weight Loss.....

Laguna Hills, CA- Researchers at the Laguna Hills Aesthetic Endocrinology Institute held a press conference today to reveal the amazing results of a study of their revolutionary microbiome-based diet, or MBD.

Example of one of several microbiome-based diet (MBD) meals, designed to specifically target an individual's gut flora in order to induce weight loss 

"There has never been a diet like this before," lead researcher and co-founder of the Aesthetic Endocrinology Institute Dr. Mort Fishman explained. "We design every meal specifically to interact with the client's microbiome in order to encourage the growth of healthy intestinal flora while at the same time weeding out any organisms that might lead to weight gain."

The study, which lasted 6 weeks and involved twelve healthy subjects, found that significant weight loss is possible when the MBD is followed strictly. Dr. Fishman and his team took samples of each subject's stool in order to determine their individual microbiome. Then using a patented scientific process they determined which specific foods best complemented each participant's gut flora. Institute nutritionists then designed the individual meal plans, which ranged from 500 to 800 daily calories.

The results were nothing short of miraculous. Half of the participants lost an average of thirty pounds, with the remaining six subjects being disqualified for going off protocol. Fatigue, severe constipation and difficulty sleeping were reported by most of the subjects, however Dr. Fishman attributes these complaints to prior conditions or anxiety.

The study adds to a growing body of research linking the microorganisms in our intestines to a variety of health concerns, including weight gain. Until recently, according to Dr. Fishman, much of the focus has been on the use of probiotics, but evidence has been mixed. "We recommend a gentler and more natural approach. Why replace when you can nurture?"

Homeless Area Sommelier Will Describe Things for Food.....

Detroit, MI- One of many in the Detroit fine dining industry to lose their jobs over the past few months, area wine sommelier Floynell Mirth has resorted to describing things on the street for money and food in order to survive.

Homeless sommelier Floynell Mirth, mere moments before pairing a half-eaten club sandwich found in a trash can with a delightful 2014 bottle of habanero-lime flavored Mad Dog 20/20 

"Detroit is still feeling the effects of the housing crash and subsequent economic slowdown nation-wide," Detroit-based economist Darnielle Admen explained. "Even historically stable markets are seeing significant job losses."

Mirth, a Gold-Pin member of the North American Sommelier Association, says that he will describe almost anything in exchange for spare change or a meal. Although he has trained for years to achieve a seemingly preternatural ability to detect and describe the flavors and aromas of wine, many of which cannot be appreciated by common palates, he appreciates the reality of the adage "beggars can't be choosers." "It's actually not that hard. You know we make all that shit up, right?"

NIH Survey Reveals Fewer Mice Going into Medical Research.....

Bethesda, MD- Significantly fewer mice are going into medical research according to the results of  a nation-wide survey released today by the National Institutes of Health, raising concern that the future study of new pharmaceutical agents may be negatively impacted.

Champ McWhiskers, shown here working at Jethro's House of Snakes

"Mice pups just aren't as interested in the medical field anymore," lead researcher Catherine Felinesky explained. "The reasons are unclear, but it's likely because of negative perceptions of the field of pharmaceutical testing and a growing distrust of science in general."

According to the new data, young mice are increasingly turning to historically nontraditional careers like serving as house pets or participating in psychology experiments. Many are simply unemployed and living off of the grid. Some, seeking an more fulfilling lifestyle, are being enticed into working in dangerous dead end jobs in pet stores and zoo reptile houses.

Parents of these mice are having difficulty understanding and accepting the fact that so many of their offspring are avoiding the jobs that were highly respected and sought after just a few hundred generations ago last week. Some, like Mr. Furby McWhiskers, a research mouse at Pfizer, have simply given up. "He lives in a cage, a God damned cage. He's no son of mine!"

More Doctors Practicing Medicine from Bed.....

Stanford, CA-Researchers at Stanford have uncovered a surprising new trend in health care. After analyzing data from what is the largest survey of American physicians to date, they announced today that a significant and growing number of doctors are practicing medicine from bed. The bulk of recumbent medical practice is taking place in hospitals, and involves resident physicians in training and hospitalists. 

The WizPod 3000 allows for near complete medical practice from the comfort of your call room.

"We were quite shocked when the numbers came in," lead researcher Major Pickleberry explained. "Until now, it was believed that medical doctors provided most of the care required by hospitalized patients over their cell phones while at the gym or a nearby Starbucks, and also occasionally at the bedside. Our findings completely blow these theories out of the water for this large subset of physicians."

Many doctors are hesitant to admit that they are making medical decisions while under the covers, but not Amanda Babin, a resident in pediatrics at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. "As a resident, you have to sleep when you can. I can do almost everything from my call room anyway because there is a computer in here. And if it's 2AM, I'm not getting out of bed unless somebody is about to die because almost everything else can wait until the morning when the primary team gets here."

But residents, who have long been known to be lazy and useless, aren't the only doctors enjoying the benefits of bed-based medicine. "I round with my team from bed every morning," Baylor faculty and hospitalist Chris Rudolph revealed. "And not from home or the call room either. I put a futon in the hallway, and the residents just crowd around it. It's a couch, it's a bed, it's an integral part of the high quality patient care we provide here at Baylor! It isn't about sleep, it's about what's best for my patients."