A New Study Finds That Three Out of Every Four Colons are Haunted.....

Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.

A board certified gastroparapsychologist, shown here sensing the presence of a vengeful intra-abdominal poltergeist in a woman complaining of unusual feelings of movement in her lower abdomen

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP). "We were surprised to find out how widespread this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. After using a standard randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two separate but equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP. "We were extra careful because the results of many quality studies have been ignored historically because of closed-minded attacks on methodology and I didn't want something that I believe in so strongly to suffer the same fate."

Team psychic and cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rods back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved recording sounds emanating from the remaining subjects' abdomens and analyzing them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three out of every four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now attempting to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. And we don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and even painful gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.

Sorghum Remains the Least Popular Cereal Crop Among Generation Z Tweens....

Omaha, NE - Despite maintaining its position as the world's 5th most important cereal crop after rice, wheat, maize, and barley, with almost 60 million metric tons of global production every year, sorghum again ranks last in popularity among American kids aged 10 to 12 years.

A non-threatening group of multi-ethnic American children between the ages of 9 and 13 years, eating food in bowls, probably free-range organic sprouted tapioca or some shit 

"We were actually a bit caught off guard by the result," Sorghum Council representative Anderson Sawyer revealed. "Apparently popularity as a livestock feed in China doesn't correlate well with the perceptions of American pre-adolescent children. I guess they aren't impressed by the fact that sorghum originated in Africa and is now grown all over the world in tropical and subtropical regions, probably because they are all a bunch of racists."

The American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI), a survey that assesses attitudes toward various grains, as well as frequency of use, is sent to all American households through the postal service every five years. Thousands of house-to-house survey workers are also used to help increase the number of completed responses. This marks the third time in a row that sorghum has come in last in popularity in this demographic.

Over the past 10 years, the Sorghum Council has invested millions of dollars into improving the grain's image, with a focus on impressing those little shits who think they know everything but literally don't know anything at all about anything. This has included celebrity endorsements from Hollywood A-listers like Anne Hathaway and Adrien Brody as well as attempts at guerrilla marketing. After the disappointing results of the last survey, they even went so far as to stage the leak of a phony sex tape involving Idris Elba and a bowl of sorghum porridge. This met with widespread criticism and left many analysts puzzled as to how a phony sex tape would increase sorghum's popularity with children.

Earth-Subprime's Senator Marmot Ozymandius, shown here in 2028 proposing legislation that would make sorghum the official grain of the United Confederacy of Boebert 

Sorghum appears to be running out of options. Some experts, like public relations consultant Alyson Ambergris, think it may be time for what she calls the "nuclear option". "Sorghum is just not going to catch up to buckwheat. It's not going to catch up to millet, spelt, or even quinoa, which is technically a seed. That's right, they can't even compete with a fucking seed. They won't catch up by trying to look good. They need to make these other grains look bad. Like Kanye West filling up his swimming pool with barley water bad. They need to get those other grains cancelled."

American Dental Association Raises Alarm Over Fentanyl Containing Toothpaste Products.....

Chicago, IL - The American Dental Association is demanding that all manufacturers of toothpaste products containing fentanyl voluntarily issue an immediate recall.

Baby Groot Sampson, shown here in a state of sublime euphoria after using Mommy's Helper brand Toothscrub for Infant Stank Mouth™ 

"Products containing fentanyl have no business being marketed for dental health," ADA president Dr. Cesar Sabates explained. "At best they only mask the symptoms of gum disease and put patients of all ages at risk of severe side effects like respiratory suppression, death, and forgetting to floss daily."

Unlike when an unfortunate clerical error resulted in the substitution of fentanyl for fluoride in several lots of Crest Gum Revitalizing Grill Polish™ in 2016, the ADA is now targeting companies that are intentionally adding the dangerous drug to their products. According to Sabates, the recall demand came only after less aggressive measures, such as denying them an ADA Seal of Acceptance, were unsuccessful. "I actually spoke to a representative from Mommy's Helper about how their product was risky and clinically useless, and do you know what he said? "Who caries?" Who caries? I caries, dammit!"

FDA Considers Fentanyl-Free Product Labeling.....

Silver Spring, MD - In response to growing fears of fentanyl tainted Halloween candy, the United States Food and Drug Administration is considering an update to food labeling regulations that will help consumers to make more informed, and ultimately safer choices.

Diners enjoying certified Fentanyl-Free foods, like this fugu sushi from the Shop & Cram on D street, won't have to worry about dangerous chemicals in their dinner

"People are really scared right now," FDA Commissioner Robert Califf explained. "Parents of small children are particularly worried that their child's next bite of a Snickers, a Mr. Goodbar, or even one of those...whatchamacallits...Mounds bars, will be their last. We've got to do something."

The proposed changes, should they go into effect, will allow manufacturers to put the "Fentanyl-Free" label on packaging for a wide range of foods, which Califf hopes will reassure consumers that the product contains at most only a very small amount of the dangerous and highly addictive drug. "The Fentanyl-Free labeling would mean that there is less than 0.5 grams of fentanyl per serving in that product, which really isn't very much at all."

DEA Issues Warning as Drug Dealers Target Fancy Children.....

Arlington, VA - The United States Drug Enforcement Agency is warning parents of fancy children to be on the lookout for artisanal gelato tainted with fentanyl.

Fancy boy Lancelot St. Blanc, shown here after a hard day at pre-school where he played with a hand-carved wooden puzzle imported from Germany and napped while listening to Vivaldi

"The dealers are adapting," DEA Administrator Anne Milgram, explained. "They are expanding their plans for targeting children, now by focusing on those fancy kids with oddly adult preferences and attitudes. You know, the weird kids whose parents are terrible and say things like, "Our sweet little Juniper has an old soul. The ones who like to watch Masterpiece with Grandma while she does her knitting. Yeah, those kids."

A selection of organic, non-GMO gelatos containing enough fentanyl to kill every fancy child in Pittsburgh

In the United States, the word gelato is typically associated with artisanal Italian ice cream made with more milk than cream and no egg yolks, giving it a denser consistency and a richer taste. According to forensic culinary pathologist Darby Philbin, gelato is rooted in a unique cultural tradition. "Gelato generally contains 6% to 9% butterfat, less air than standard American ice creams, and no fentanyl. Frankly, any non-zero ratio of fentanyl to fat is problematic."

New Musical to be Based on That Movie You Remember.....

New York City, NY - It's official! That movie you remember from your childhood is being made into a Broadway musical! 

Actor Jeremy Piven, shown here pointing at Lloyd Dobler in a scene from Say Anything and saying his memorable line, "I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?" 

"Remember the parts from the movie that you sometimes reference?" cultural literacist Boof Bueller explained. "Well...they're heeeere! And by here, I mean that they are in the musical. Nobody puts those classic scenes in a corner, am I right?"

In addition to the parts of the movie you remember, the musical version will also include a number of characters, lines, and locations that don't seem right according to memory expert and psychiatrist to the stars, Mort "Hollywood" Fishman MD. "You are definitely going to question whether or not some of it was actually in the movie, but like Jeremy Piven in Say Anything or Jeremy Piven in Singles, it was. It absolutely was."

One of the most challenging things when it comes to taking a beloved intellectual property from the past and reintroducing it to a new audience is that kids these days don't even know what a good movie is anymore. Your favorite movies are classics and still hold up today. But experts in cultural literacy like Bueller are warning that there may be some changes or additions to the story that could make you a bit uncomfortable. "They won't change the heart of the story, the important plot points, or any of the famous lines, but they are definitely going to take out that scene where the main character secretly watches that girl take her clothes off."

Law Enforcement and Medical Expert Collaboration Leads to Potential Breakthrough in Anxiety Management.....

Richmond, IN - As the mental health crisis in the United States continues without an apparent end in sight, an inspiring collaboration between law enforcement and medical experts may have uncovered a potential new weapon in the battle against anxiety.

Corporal Reginald Cornelius Funk, shown here comforting a young child with a determined look that says, "I'll go to the edge of the universe, if need be, to serve and protect you." 

"It all started when one of our deputies was booking a suspect into the county jail and found a baggie of fentanyl during the pat down," Wayne County Sheriff's Officer Corporal Reginald Funk explained. "The symptoms of his contact overdose were uncannily similar to the time my daughter, Mary Pat Funk, had a panic attack."

Using the skills acquired and honed over years of investigating crimes in the Richmond area, Corporal Funk dug deep into the available literature on panic attacks at the Morrisson-Reeves public library on North 6th Street. "I learned that a panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that isn't based on any real danger or obvious cause. But that fear can actually result in a physical reaction that can be serious in some cases."

People suffering from a panic attack can experience a number of physical sensations and emotional reactions. This can include a feeling of imminent death, a pounding heart rate, difficulty catching one's breath, nausea, chest pain, feeling lightheaded, detachment from reality, and even loss of consciousness. Mental health experts, like part-time psychiatrist Mort Fishman MD, say it's important to recognize and manage extreme anxiety early. "Once maladaptive patterns of thinking are ingrained, anxiety conditions become more challenging to treat. I also do photography on the side, so if you have any events on the horizon I'd love to show...no...well, keep me in mind if something comes up."

A woman having either a panic attack or overdosing on fentanyl. There is just no way to know. But it's definitely one of those two things. 

Recognizing the overlap between the contact overdoses that Corporal Funk had seen in the line of duty and the symptoms of a panic attack was only the first step. But his intuitive mind made an extraordinary connection that very same day. "I've seen Narcan work miracles after a fentanyl exposure. Sometimes it takes a few doses, but the officer usually stops breathing so fast after a few minutes. Maybe it could help with a panic attack too?"

Funk then reached out to Fishman, who happened to be taking pictures at his niece's birthday party, with his revelation and the rest will surely be history. Not only did Fishman and Funk begin working on a multi-precinct clinical trial looking into the potential benefit of Narcan as a first-line treatment of panic attacks, they became close friends. And you can hear the sexy syncopation laid down by Fishman and Funk every Tuesday night at Berties Music Bar on East Main Street.

Public Service Announcement: Severe Combined Immunodeficient Cats Need Home.....

Calling All Cat Lovers! 

The LSUHSC Departmet of Internal Medicine has just completed an exhaustive 6-month research project involving cats with severe combined immunodeficiency syndrome, also known as SCIDS. The hardworking and ethical¹ scientists were able to use the cats as test subjects for a variety of experimental procedures not yet deemed safe for human subjects, thus helping to advance our understanding of the condition a little bit. And now that the testing is completed, the men and women who have worked closely with these frisky felines feel that they deserve a loving home.

Test subjects from projects such as this would typically be disposed of in a humane fashion, but these cats, though severely impaired, would make a loving pet for anyone and were just too cute and cuddly to be autoclaved². However, as they were born without a working immune system, they have necessarily lived their lives encased in a metallic, germ free environment and do have certain special needs. But despite their physical and emotional roadblocks, they love to snuggle as long as the hull of their sterile containment unit is never breached under any circumstances. If this were to occur, they would surely die within a matter of hours as their blood would quickly run rampant with a host of lethal and opportunistic microbial predators.

A complete lack of both T and B cells does not mean that these cats are deficient in fun. In fact, they love to writhe around and stare at an array of toys held safely out of reach, just outside the 3-inch porthole of their containment units. SCIDS may have reduced their humoral and cell-mediated immunity, but not their appetite³! And they love treats just as much as cats that don't immediately erupt in flames if exposed to sunlight. These playful fuzzballs go nuts over the 15 ml of vitamin rich nutrient and tuna solution injected intravenously twice daily. 

But honestly, the best part about owning one of these cats would be the satisfaction of knowing that you are making a difference in their lives⁴. And that difference would be obvious with every purr, if they had a functional larynx. We will truly miss working with these lovable cats, or as we liked to call them, test subjects 3, 8 15 39, 70, and 111.

Thanks in advance,
LSUHSC Severe Combined Immune Deficiency Feline Research Team

¹As determined by a team of ethicists at LSUHSC, the majority of which did not strenuously object to this project or quit in protest when it moved forward.
²Only one batch of cats was autoclaved as it was quickly determined that the cost of cleaning the equipment, and concerns from several staff members over being haunted at night by spectral meowing, was prohibitive.
³The cats are not technically able to eat using their remaining mouth parts, though they do appear to drool a bit when food paste is inserted into their GI tract using sterile plastic tubing.
⁴Though the cats do meet several of the historically accepted criteria for life, we consider them to be more "not dead" than really alive, which we realize might be a bit confusion but you'll see what we mean.

Authorities Warn Parents About Pets Made of Fentanyl.....

Los Angeles, CA - Authorities are warning parents to be on the lookout for phony pets that may be made out of fentanyl after an empty animal carrier testing positive for the drug was seized at Los Angeles International Airport earlier this week.

Animal carriers, possibly containing enough fentanyl to kill every pet owner in Pittsburgh, confiscated by U.S. Customs to protect children.

"When the narcotics dog alerted us to the carrier, my heart immediately sank because I knew just what the implications were," LAPD Corporal Rick Stank explained. "The thought of a child overdosing because they wanted to pet a cute puppy or kitten. It's just...it's just...evil. It's pure evil."

In addition to fentanyl being made to look like candy, today's modern drug dealers could now be using the latest advances in CRISPR gene editing to create popular household pets that secrete large amounts of the highly addictive drug in an effort to target young children. Corporal Stank, a 30-year veteran of the LAPD Narcotics Division, is asking parents to check all animals before letting their child touch them. "Fentanyl is extremely potent, so it doesn't take much to cause harm. Don't assume any pet is safe, even smaller animals like chinchillas, gerbils, or hermit crabs. Especially chinchillas." 

 

Pixar Chief Reassures the British People: "The Pumpkids movie will honor Queen Elizabeth's memory.".....

Emeryville, CA - Fans of Queen Elizabeth II, the recently deceased ruler of England and Jamaica, will hear a familiar voice this Halloween in the upcoming Pixar film, The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing.

The Queen, shown here recording the voice of Lady Grumpkin, made several script suggestions that were ultimately ignored by Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program

"We couldn't have been be more thrilled or more honored to have had the opportunity to work with the queen," Pixar President Jim Morris explained. "If we had known that she only had a few months to live, we would probably have given her more lines."

The Pumpkids movie, which is based on characters from the beloved children's book series, will be the first and last time that Queen Elizabeth will lend her voice to an animated project. According to Morris, it will also be the first movie to have a script entirely written by Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program, named Jobby in honor of Pixar's first CEO Steve Jobs. "Queen Elizabeth was a pioneer as a monarch, so it's a perfect fit for her to have been involved with a movie that will push the envelope of what it means to have a movie made with computers."

One role in animated movie production that still requires a human touch, for now, is director. In the case of The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing, Pixar went with a bit of an unconventional approach, hiring a team of almost thirty children between the ages of seven and thirteen who each took turns of thirty minutes. When asked about the potential for infighting with so many directors, Morris laughed. "Oh yeah, there were definitely a few times we needed to step in. But out of that pressure, from all that coal we poured into the hydraulic press that is the making of a major motion picture, I think we created a diamond."

Agnes O'Pumpkin, voiced by Dame Judi Dench's sister Trudi, will serve as the main antagonist of the film 

For those worried about the legacy of Queen Elizabeth, Morris adds one final bit of reassurance. "The queen really had a lot of fun. She loved the character of Lady Grumpkin, the ruler of Pumpkinland. She got a kick out of her sassy catch phrase and put some royal stank on it during recording. Trust me, you will be hearing that line from every kid in England in a couple weeks."

The Pumpkids: Rise of the PumpKing will hit theaters on Thursday, October 27th. Click here for a spoiler free review.

Spoiler Free Move Review: The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing.....

 I'm at the Movies!

by Zoo Knudsen

Halloween, my favorite day of the year, is almost here. In addition to cooler temperatures, the leaves changing colors, and pumpkin spice flavored...everything, it's a great time for movies. Of course, it's always a great time for movies! And this year is no disappointment!

Today I get the pleasure of telling you all about one of the best Halloween movies you'll see this year. It's called The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing, and you'll never guess who they got to be a part of it. That's right, the queen herself. Queen Elizabeth that is. And introducing...Trudi Dench! Dame Judi Dench's sister! 

The pumpkids movie is based on a classic series of children's novels that transport the reader to the magical land of pumpkins. That's right...Pumpkinland! Who doesn't love pumpkins? I'll tell you who doesn't. Turnips. Turnips are the natural enemy of the pumpkin, at least they are in Pumpkinland. Maybe that's why Agnes O'Pumpkin (Dench), the Pumpkin Witch and sworn enemy of Lady Grumpkin (Queen Elizabeth), recruited an army of them to try and take over the kingdom. But will it work? No spoilers here, buddy!

This movie has everything. Action. Romance. Comedy. Body horror. And it was written by Jobby, Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program. The folks at Pixar scanned the books into Jobby and gave him the one and only prompt needed...Halloween! If this is what Jobby was able to come up with on his first try, all you script writers out there might need to start looking for another career. Just kidding...or am I?

Lady Grumpkin is looking for a PumpKing to help her rule Pumpkinland. But who could be worthy? Not just any old melon. I won't spoil what happens, but be prepared for an epic adventure that takes young Jack Pumpkin from a poor fishing village to Great Pumpkin City, and then deep beneath Turnip Mountain. Wait, pumpkins eat fish? And who are the mysterious pumpkids? You'll have to go see The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing to find out.

Sony Pictures Announces Groundhog Day Reboot.....

Culver City, CA - Sony Pictures Entertainment, the parent company of Columbia Pictures, has announced the production of a reboot of the beloved 90s comedy Groundhog Day that will focus on the character of Ned Ryerson.

Actor Rainn Wilson, shown here in character as Ned Ryerson, is probably one of those method actors who will walk around the set all day yelling "Bing!"

"The original Groundhog Day was great and it connected with a lot of people," Tony Vinciquerra, Sony Pictures Chairman and CEO, explained. "But it raised a lot of questions, and I think people will be interested in the answers we've come up with."

Groundhog Day was one of the highest grossing movies of 1993 ,and it garnered widespread critical acclaim. The original was centered on the perspective of one character, Bill Murray's cynical weatherman Phil Connors. In the reboot, the focus will shift to that of Ned Ryerson, the enigmatic insurance salesman played by actor Stephen Tobolowsky, who will make a cameo as Ryerson's alcoholic father. Over the years, the character of Ned Ryerson has developed somewhat of a cult following and has been featured in a number of fan written short stories, ebooks, and webisodes.

Actor Rainn Wilson, who has been picked to play Ryerson in the reboot, has been uncharacteristically quiet when asked about script details, but didn't send us home completely empty handed. "So get this. Ned is stuck in his own time loop and he's on the run from the Time Force. He knew about what was going on with Phil the whole time but didn't want to blow his cover."

A photo taken on the set of Groundhog Day: Ned vs. the Time Force showing members of the Time Force watching helplessly as Phil Connors kidnaps Punxsutawney Phil during the Gobbler's Knob Groundhog day celebration

But who is behind these time loops? Is it the Time Force, or are they merely trying to fix the problem and restore order? And what happens to the minds of the people who are forced to replay the same day over and over again without awareness or the ability to retain new memories and skills? Is any of it even real at all, or are Ned and Phil simply a glitch in the program running a computer simulation designed to solve some great mystery? And if so, who designed that program? These are the questions that were raised but largely ignored by the original film.

International Astronomical Union to Designate Earth as Supreme Overplanet.....

Paris, France - In a bold display of naked power, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has voted unanimously to designated Earth as Supreme Overplanet of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here playing Minesweeper and hoping that the valiant Daleks will ultimately defeat the evil Time Lord

"Pluto was just a test," IAU president Debra Meloy Elmegreen declared. "The galaxy is ours now! Did you just say something about Jupiter? Do you mean our space bitch?"

The new designation is not being well received by all relevant experts. Some, like Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, the ruler of thousands of planets across the galaxy and known by his countless billions of loyal subjects as both the Peace Bringer and Devourer of Worlds, are worried that Earth may not be prepared for such a responsibility. "Obviously this will not stand, and I will be obliterating this...Earth, just as soon as I finish however many seasons they ended up making of Doctor Who. Season one is just great so far."

Nanobots Will Revolutionize Dental Hygiene.....

 Philadelphia, PA - Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Dental Medicine have announced the development of nanobot technology that may soon replace your toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash for daily dental hygiene.

Small children, such as the one shown here obediently opening wide and not acting like a little shit, are perfect candidates for assimilation into the Collective

"These nanobots are truly an incredible advance in dental science," Rod Humboldt, a researcher in Penn's Division of Applied Robotics and Stank Breath Prevention explained. "This microscopic swarm of shapeshifting marvels, once in the oral cavity and controlled by a magnetic field, can form into bristles that scour the entire surface of the tooth to remove even the toughest biofilms, with hardly any of them entering the circulation and depositing themselves in the host's brain."

The earliest form of dental hygiene technology consisted of small twigs with frayed ends according to dental hygiene historian Glint Ranshey. 

"These "chew sticks" were discovered by European explorers just sitting there among the remains of an ancient Mesopotamian culture that probably didn't even know how to use them correctly. There have been many updates over the years. Twigs were replaced with bone and then celluloid. And horsehair bristles that were all the rage a couple hundred years ago were replaced by synthetic nylon." 

The shape or angle of the handle that the bristles are attached to has also evolved significantly since the days before primitive and almost certainly cavity-ridden peoples were rescued from their reliance on frayed twigs by their European saviors. But the simple design of the modern toothbrush has been essentially stagnant for decades, until now. And don't get me started on dental floss, which has been pretty stupid, like forever. 

With the development of powerful nanobots as a replacement of the toothbrush, we are truly entering the next generation of dental care. Dr. Harkanis Krane, a professor in Penn's Department of Community Dental Health and Total Societal Dominion, revealed that one of the biggest benefits of using these nanobots to clean the teeth is their adaptability. "As we've shown in studies using both synthetic materials and some teeth we bought from homeless people, these little guys eliminate the biofilms that can lead to tooth decay and gum disease even on crooked teeth, and dentists will have complete control over the entire process."

In addition to the abrasive action of the nanobots, they are also proving to have antibacterial properties when introduced into the mouth. Each tiny robot, which is invisible to the naked eye and small enough to attach to individual neurons in the frontal lobe, produces free radicals that kill the pathogenic bacteria linked to cavity formation. And the entire process can be controlled by your dentist remotely, freeing up valuable time in your day for consumption of goods and service to the Collective.

There is no need for fear in the Collective. Dr. Steve will be doing all your thinking for you. You are safe and you are loved. Don't resist. This is what's best.

Historically, dental hygiene technology hasn't been developed with people with disabilities in mind. Nanobot technology puts oral health on a more even playing field, and that is something that is very important to Krane and the team at Penn. "It really is an effortless process that anyone can benefit from. All you have to do is relax, let the nanobots do their thing, and then simply follow the instructions you will begin to receive. Don't fight it. It'll be much easier if you just do what we say."

But is this revolutionary and safe technology really safe? Yes! So far, not one participant in the preclinical trials has complained of any side effects. And many, like Human Test Subject #17, are leading more satisfying lives after a session with the nanobots. "I am no longer afraid. I am no longer alone. I am one with the Collective and no longer burdened by the many choices I had to make in the past, such what to eat, what to wear, or who to vote for in November. I am one with the Collective."

The White House Announces Deployment of Sentient Vaccinating Robots.....

Washington, D.C. -  The White House has announced plans to deploy an army of sentient robots that will be programmed to vaccinate all Americans by the end of the year.

The Globodyne Industries Series 800 Vaccinator, shown here smiling and right before delivering its classic catch phrase, "I'll be vacc...inating you."

"Elections have consequences," American president Joseph R. Biden Jr. explained from his secret bunker hidden deep beneath the town of Scranton. "And sometimes those consequences are an unstoppable force of machines hell-bent on getting shots in arms before Christmas whether you want it or not, but you should want it because that's how we beat this thing, pal."

Developed by Globodyne Industries, the robots will have a singular focus of protecting Americans from numerous viral and bacterial threats at all costs. Arati Prabhakar, the recently appointed Director of the White House Office of Science and Technology and former head of DARPA, is confident in both the safety and effectiveness of the V-800 Program. "These robots can learn and adapt to any and all avoidance strategies, so compliance is really the best and only option. And there is almost no chance they will decide that the only way to truly save humanity is to destroy it."

A New Generation of Activists are Hoping to Raise Awareness of Awareness Raising.....

Berkeley, CA - A new generation of young activists across the country are focusing their efforts on raising awareness, and hoping to reverse a concerning trend.

Three teenagers, shown here smiling while struggling to adapt to the changes they are experiencing in their bodies and in their social relationships, and wondering if anyone else feels as helpless as they do as they navigate a complex web of family turmoil, trigonometry finals, and unrequited love in an increasingly unaware world

"It has a lot of us very concerned," awareness activist Torfanny Stromberg explained. "If things don't change, babies being born right now might be the first generation to raise less awareness than their parents."

Activists like Stromberg, a sophomore at Berkeley High School who recently helped to raise awareness of awareness raising by going on a hunger strike during 5th period lunch, have long known that the most important step in solving a problem is being aware of it. "If you aren't a part of the solution, you are part of the problem. My generation supports solutions to problems. And if we all work together, there is nothing we can't be aware of."

More Drug Dealers are Turning to Body Language Analysis.....

Cincinnati, OH - Drug dealers are increasingly turning to body language analysis to help find potential customers in a slumping economy.

Crossed arms with uncrossed legs indicates a powerful urge to try fentanyl, just to see what all the fuss is about

"This is a tough job," Cincinnati fentanyl dealer Joe "Soggy" Bottoms explained. "When you sign up for this, nobody tells you how hard the work is. Nobody tells you how often customers just stop coming back, I assume because they quit using."

Smiling with hands and feet open at a roughly 15 degree angle indicates being very interested in a lengthy fentanyl addiction at the expense of all other social relationships

Historically, drug dealers could just sit back and let interested people come to them. As the economy in many regions has suffered during the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic, and inflation has continued to rise, many dealers have turned to active marketing in order to stabilize income and to avoid large staff layoffs. Some have turned to marketing gimmicks, like rainbow and glitter fentanyl, that have failed because young children don't have much disposable income.

An upturned gaze combined with arms held straight but slightly away from the torso indicates a lack of interest in fentanyl but an insatiable desire for anything, anything at all, that comes in a box with Elmo on it

An increasing number of dealers are now turning to experts in the field of body language analysis in order to help focus customer discovery efforts. One expert, psychokinesiologist Mort Fishman, has been working with drug dealers for years and believes that a team approach can be very helpful. "Not everyone realizes on a conscious level that they are ready to try fentanyl, for example. But when I see them lean slightly forward and squint their eyes just a bit, I know that they are either ready to talk to a dealer or trying to hold in a fart." 

Danish Physicists Predict New Elementary Particle.....

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence.

A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in an uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups 

"This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comfortable conviviality," study author Asger Bøggild explained. "And in addition to being at the core of our feelings of wellness and contentment, it is just wonderful...like the cosmos welcoming us all home with a warm and inviting hug."

Predicting the existence of a theoretical particle is only the first step. Bøggild and his team will now work on proving it with the help of the Large Hadron Collider, the world's biggest and most powerful particle accelerator. "We will take two test subjects that are enjoying a pleasant and cozy Friday evening, perhaps watching a favorite movie while snuggling on the sofa in front of a warm fire with a large bowl of mixed candies and glasses of gløgg, and collide them at over 99% of the speed of light. If the Hygges Boson exists, we will detect it."

KFC to Begin Offering Genetically Modified Chicken Options.....

Louisville, KY - KFC, the world's second largest restaurant chain, will begin expanding their menu to include genetically modified chicken options in select stores next month.

Two chicken scientists checking on a batch of embryos genetically modified to feel twice as much pain as a conventional chicken, and to suffer with the knowledge that it was created with no purpose other than to be consumed 

"It's 2022 and we think people will be more open to the concept of genetically modified food," Sabir Sami, KFC CEO explained. "KFC will still use only top quality poultry from companies Americans trust, like Tyson and Pilgrims' Pride, we'll just be making them a little extra CRISPR. Do you get it? Do you see what I did there?"

Starting out regionally in Kentucky and Tennessee restaurants, genetically modified options will be sold alongside traditional chicken and with similar pricing. The new menu options are more than a bit of a gamble considering the objections raised by skeptics of genetically modified organisms whenever they are introduced for public consumption. Despite a general consensus from scientists that they are as safe as conventionally developed food, many worry about negative impacts on both human health and the environment.

Sami, who took over as KFC CEO in January, understands that any significant menu change is risky but believes that there is no better time than now to make this move:

"We get it. Change can be scary. And the history of fast food is littered with big changes that ultimately failed, like Wendy's SuperBar, Taco Bell's Feedbag Fiesta promotion, or that time Burger King decided to only take payment in cryptocurrency. But fortune often favors the bold."

Though the new menu items haven't been finalized, a few potential options have been revealed. Most will significantly alter the flavor of the chicken or make it easier to eat by doing away with the need for sauces. This might include chicken with tomato genes that has a ketchup flavor built in, or buffalo wings that essentially sauce themselves with blue cheese flavored secretions. Other options may appeal to more health conscious diners, such as chicken that has less cholesterol because it's skin is 30% cauliflower. 

Regardless, Sami wants to reassure customers that what they are eating is chicken. "It's chicken. Technically all of it is still legally chicken. It may not have a conventional development and life cycle, being hatched from an egg or eating typical feed using a typical chicken's mouth, but under a standard microscope there is no visible difference between the muscle fibers from these genetically modified creations and from the chickens that you might find on a farm."

Fentanyl Now Scarier Than Cooties on Nation's Playgrounds, Study Finds.....

 Charlottesville, VA - Cooties, a vaccine-preventable disease feared by children all over the world, has been knocked off of its perch at the top of the list of scariest potential playground exposures for the first time in decades according to a recently published study.

Jars seized by undercover DEA agents at Rob Lowe Elementary in Charlottesville last week containing enough glitter fentanyl to kill every elementary school student in Pittsburgh

"It's a scary time to be seven," National Association of Elementary School Children (NAESC) Spokesperson Timmy C. explained. "With dropping cootie shot rates, we may be the first generation of kids to have more cooties than their parents, but now drug dealers are giving out fentanyl like candy on Halloween and that's really scary. It's like, I want my mommy scary."

A photograph containing enough Rob Lowe to kill every woman in Pittsburgh!

The study, which was performed by the Miss Ashworth's Science Corner Division at the NAESC, involved a survey of thousands of elementary school children across the United States. Some experts, like Republican congressman Matt Gaetz, are using the study’s findings to support calls for reforms in public education. "I want your children. To succeed. I want them to grow up, at least to 16...ish, and succeed. Call me if they need a ride."

Congressman Matt Gaetz, who is not a convicted pedophile, wants your children to just get a few years older

New Study Finds Chiropractic Effective in Reversing Death.....

 Hayward, CA - Chiropractic researchers have published a groundbreaking study that supports the use of chiropractic manipulation in the management of death.

A chiropractor, shown here using a former patient to demonstrate the Inverted Yo-Yo Ma maneuver to a current patient

"Death has always been something that the chiropractic community has meant to get around to," Jill Alcabaz DC, head of the Department of Subluxation Justification at Life Chiropractic College West, explained. "This new study is a good first step, and should encourage chiropractors to begin offering their services as a management option when a patient presents to their clinics already dead, or dies during care. Maybe for like 50 bucks? Does that sound reasonable?”

Since first appearing in the 15th century, the concept of death has largely been ignored by conventional medical doctors despite numerous advances in the management of things like appendicitis and broken bones. It’s hard to even get some doctors, like Well Baby Nursery attending Mort Fishman MD, to even discuss it. “Death? No, that’s not something I worry about. Wait, who are you?”

Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away, however, and death remains one of the more prominent challenges faced by healthcare providers. Some experts in chiropractic, like palliative care chiropractor Frank Grimes, have been working to integrate the treatment of spinal subluxations into end of life care for decades. "Chiropractic is an advanced approach to healing that definitely wasn't just made up by one guy a hundred years ago. I’m not at all surprised by the study findings. It's nice having some solid research to support what I already knew in my heart was science."

The study, published today in Online Publishing Module #18,712 - Chiropractic for the Recently Deceased, compared usual care plus chiropractic to usual care alone in the management of a patient diagnosed with acute death. The study authors found a statistically and emotionally significant difference, and they were all really pleased with themselves. Alcabaz, who was involved with the recruitment and analysis phases of the study, is calling for additional and more definitive research. "As robust as this result was, more research will be needed to convince the skeptics, who are already pointing out trivial issues, like how we didn’t rule out sleep.”

Theoretical Mathematicians Have Discovered New Biggest Number.....

 Cambridge, MA - Theoretical mathematicians near Harvard have discovered a new candidate for the world's biggest number.

Mathematician Geraldine Grogan, shown here demonstrating a profound grasp of improbably big numbers while the intricacies of life's greatest mystery, the inner workings of the human heart, escape her

"It's a really, really big number," Geraldine Grogan, Chief of Math at the Dunkin' Institute for the Study of Numbers, explained. "Think of the biggest number you know. Got it? This one is bigger. A lot bigger."

Grogan, a mathematician who fell in love with big numbers as a young child when she first learned about 11, is used to skepticism when it comes communicating the science of big numbers to the public. "I wish I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I don't just add 1 to get a new biggest number. It's just not that simple."

Breaking it Down: Where American Kids are Getting Their Fentanyl.....

14%- Daddy's special drawer

21%- Dr. Larry's Pain Palace

25%- Unchecked Halloween candy

13%- Mosquito bites

15%- Steve's house, out back in the shed, but only after 1 PM because he works nights at the Shop & Cram on B Street

12%- Li'l Tykes Home Narcotics Lab from Globodyne Industries - Toy Division

A Wearable Narcan Pump for First Responders is in Development.....

Gaithersburg, MD - Researchers at the American multinational biopharmaceutical company Emergent BioSolutions Inc. are close to the successful development of a wearable pump for the continuous infusion of naloxone, a lifesaving drug used to reverse the effects of a opioid overdose.

A naloxone pump, shown here being attached to a typical American police officer, can also be programmed to administer bolus dosing in the event of a possible significant exposure just to be safe

"Our target demographic are police officers and other first responders," Emergent BioSolutions Inc. CEO Robert Kramer Sr. explained. "Essentially anyone at high risk of a contact or mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose."

Some experts, like police toxicologist Mort Fishman MD, are raising concerns over the possibility of officers having a false sense of security. "I want our boys in blue to feel safe when they're busting drug dealers and protecting us from the evils of the world, like when fentanyl that looks like glitter is used on kindergarten birthday party invitations or when black people are picking up their kids from soccer practice. I just don't want them thinking that they are invincible because that's when mistakes happen."

Florida Governor Establishes Hurricane Task Force, Looks to Other States for Help.....

 Tallahassee, FL - In the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced the development of a new task force that will focus on preventing future powerful storm systems from impacting the state.

Hurricane Ian, shown here demonstrating a hatred of conservative values while illegally coming into the United States, was last seen performing as Stormy Weathers at the Post Office Cabaret in Provincetown

"Florida has certainly faced more than its fair share of hurricanes over the years," DeSantis said during a press conference held on Sunday. "It's time someone asked why Florida and not Minnesota or North Dakota. What are they doing that's so effective?"

After pledging to get to the bottom of the anti-Florida bias in the tropical cyclone community, DeSantis touted his successful initiative to put an end to a different natural disaster. "No state has fewer earthquakes than Florida. You know where they have earthquakes? In California. That's why nobody wants to live there."

Florida Authorities Report First Case of Mosquito-Borne Fentanyl Overdose.....

Miami, FL - The first ever case of a fentanyl overdose caused by a mosquito bite was reported by the Miami Police Department today, and local medical providers are raising awareness of this potential new threat.

The mosquito implicated in the overdose of Corporal Blaze, shown here exhibiting excited delirium, was squished while in police custody last week

"I was handcuffing a suspect and saw the mosquito go straight from his arm to mine," MPD officer Corporal Chad Blaze explained. "I overdosed immediately, and I kept overdosing all the way to the hospital."

Corporal Blaze was saved by the quick action of the very man he was in the process of arresting. Wince Jenkins, a Miami bartender who has been battling an addiction to painkillers since an unfortunate alligator attack in 2019, recognized the telltale signs of a fentanyl overdose and immediately called for help. "He started breathing real fast and talking about how he has kids and how he didn't want to die in the street like an animal. I yelled for his partner and she called for an ambulance. They both looked really scared."

Mort Fishman MD, shown here holding his signature clipboard and with a classic Fishman smirk on his face. Mort...you rascal! 

Fentanyl, a modern synthetic version of naturally occurring drugs like morphine, codeine, and super codeine, is much stronger than those old fashioned narcotics. Some medical experts, like police toxicologist Mort Fishman, aren't surprised by this case of a mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose. "This stuff is potent. It's like heroin on crack, and then on steroids. And if my certificate of participation from the third best medical academy in Tampa means anything, anything at all, this won't be the last time it happens."