Friday, November 29, 2013

From Humble Beginnings to Health Advocacy Juggernaut: An Interview with Mitch Rangler of The Health Patrol.....

Mitch Rangler
I sat down with Mitch Rangler, the controversial founder of the health advocacy organization The Health Patrol, at a small cafe just down the street from his post office box. Rangler has a reputation for fiercely defending natural herbal remedies for a variety of health problems, and is notorious for going after health care professionals who he doesn't agree with. Rangler claims he has even been targeted by medical doctors on social media networks like Twitter and that there have been attempts to silence him.

I expected to meet a man who wasn't afraid to go for the jugular of the modern medical-industrial complex, and I wasn't disappointed. What I never expected was for him to reveal so many intimate details about his childhood, his unexpected brush with death early in life and his motivation for bringing what he considers to be the truth about health to the world. Love him or hate him, after this interview you will.

KN: Hello Mr. Rangler, thank you for sitting down with me. I like to start off all of my interviews with a quote from the French poet Gerard McFrench:
"Life is to be lived. Death, to be dealt. My heart is a home for empty dreams. Thus speaks the raven."
What does that mean to you?

MR: That's beautiful. I guess it means that medical doctors deal death and I'm the raven that speaks truth. And maybe I'm also the empty heart.

KN: Is your heart empty, Mr. Rangler?

MR: It used to be. Now it's full of rage and the desire to educate folks about natural remedies. Like using Mexican Honey Wasp saliva for vitiligo.

KN: Why do you struggle against such great odds? Do you truly believe that you can change the status quo of healthcare being dictated by scientific hegemony? What can one man really do?

MR: Why do I struggle to bring folks the truth? Because I've been there, seen the light and emerged transformed. Like when a caterpillar weaves his web and, as he has for thousands of years, emerges as a small bird or a maybe a bat.

When I was a young boy of maybe around ten or eleven years, I looked death in the face. I was right there on the edge, man. I was a strong boy, and full of vim and vigor, but one day all that changed in the blink of an eye. My nose, it was like, like I couldn't breathe through it. Just completely blocked up with some sort of, I don't know what it was. Some kind of mucous? My throat was scratchy, making it uncomfortable to swallow food. Then the fevers came. And I had a mild headache, as I recall.

My poor mother, she didn't know any better. She gave me drugs and they masked the symptoms for a time but the effects wore off. We were sheep just like most people back then and after I hadn't improved for a day or two we ran to the doctor, literally ran to the doctor because we had sold our car to buy soap and cheese for Christmas. The doctor just laughed, laughed right in my face. He sent me home to die.

That's when I began to research natural cures. Cures like seahorse semen to prevent age related macular degeneration. I read every book I could get my hands on, and even some I couldn't. I listened to radio programs about herbal remedies. I attended classes and seminars, often at the same time. Months went by and I realized I hadn't died. I took that as an omen, a sign that I was on the right path.

I redoubled my efforts, eventually becoming certified in Nutritionology and Clinical Herbology. I achieved mastery and began to improve upon what I had learned. I began to devise my own remedies. Like the tears of a newborn elk for childhood amnesia. And more importantly I began to tell others about what I had learned.

KN: The Health Patrol was born.

MR: That's right. I started The Health Patrol to help educate the world about cures for suffering and disease that can be found in the natural world, like the earwax of an albino wallaby for chronic sleep incontinence, not in the synthetic chemicals forged in a Big Pharma laboratory.

KN: What do you think about high profile health advocates like Dr. Mehmet Oz and Deepak Chopra?

MR: Fatheads. You can write that down Knudsen!

KN: Now these are highly respected physicians. Millions of people watch them on television and read their books for some reason. Fatheads?

MR: I don't care if they walked on the moon and had tea with Mamie Van Doren! Fatheads. They wouldn't know a true natural cure from just a random plant or animal secretion paired with an equally random ailment! Like the clean caught midstream urine of a golden lion tamarin for atrial fibrillation.

KN: That's a fair point. So what's next for Mitch Rangler and The Health Patrol?

MR: Well, I've pretty much taken over the internet. I'm on Twitter. I've got a post office box, it's just down the street. So that's happening.

KN: That's fantastic. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to answer these questions Mr. Rangler. I truly do wish you the best of luck on your quest to bring all natural health cures to the world!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Researchers Discover Huge Increase in the Diagnosis of Schizophrenia in Toddlers.....

Atlanta- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta have announced the results of a year long probe into reports of an increasing incidence of schizophrenia diagnoses in toddlers across the United States, revealing that the phenomenon is considerably more widespread than expected.

"These are children, some of them barely old enough to have a job, and from every socioeconomic and cultural demographic you can imagine," explained lead research Brabara Nicholas. "They are just starting out in the world. It breaks my heart to see them like this and we have no answers."

Schizophrenia, a disorder of impaired cognition and unusual emotional responses to environmental stimuli, is most commonly diagnosed in young adults. This trend in onset during the toddler years is troubling to experts like Nicholas, as well as the general pediatricians that are often the first to see the early signs. The reason for this stark increase in incidence remains a mystery to mental health professionals.

Toddler schizophrenia, similar to older pediatric patients and adults, is diagnosed when a young child, during a one month period, has at least two of the following symptoms:
1. Delusions
2. Hallucinations
3. Disorganized speech
4. Grossly disorganized behavrior
5. Negative symptoms
But the presentation of these symptoms is for the most part specific to these young children. Delusions, firmly held beliefs which persist despite powerful evidence of their being false, frequently manifest as the conviction that a variety of magical entities, such as a morbidly obese man-elf and an excessively anthropomorphized rabbit will deliver candy and consumer goods in return for exemplary behavior. Pediatricians frequently describe ritualistic behavior in schizophrenic toddlers. One nearly ubiquitously described example occurs after the shedding of a child's primary tooth, culminating in the placement of said tooth under a pillow and the expectation of finding money in its place in the morning.

There are many additional symptoms that meet criteria for schizophrenia and are toddler specific. Some of the most intriguing frequently involve complex interactions with nonexistent "friends". Experts like Nicholas describe these encounters as entirely within a world of the patient's own creation, dependent on some aspect of human cognition which has yet to be fully understood by neuroscientists. These playmates aren't real but the patient appears unable to differentiate reality from fantasy.

Schizophrenic toddlers often display disorganized speech, to the point that at times only the primary caregiver has the ability to interpret their attempts at communication. Toddlers with disorganized behavior typically dress inappropriately, desiring to wear a playful costume to a formal event such as a funeral for example, or cry intermittently and with seemingly no reasonable provocation. These episodes of intense crying, often accompanied by screaming and flailing of the limbs, can be quite distressful to both parents and observers should they occur in public. Sometimes effected toddlers will simply go limp, making their removal from the scene more challenging.

In order to be officially diagnosed with schizophrenia, toddlers must also display social or occupational dysfunction. This can involve significant impact at preschool, during job interviews, or with peer relationships but also the impairment of their ability to care for themselves. Many, unfortunately, are rendered completely helpless by the diagnosis, and would likely not survive without extreme interventions from caregivers and medical professionals. Nicholas, whose own child was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 19 months, hopes that more research will lead to better therapies and perhaps even a cure. "They can't prepare their own meals, dress themselves, or even find suitable employment. What kind of future do these lost children have?"

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Pit Bull Involved in Mauling Death of Young Child Usually Loves Kids.....

Lynville, TN- After the the loss of their 4-year-old daughter Irma, who earlier this month was severely mauled by a neighbor's American Pit Bull terrier and died in her mother's arms in the back of an ambulance, the Simmons family could have allowed the tragic accident to change the way that they feel about the breed.

"Naturally we were angry at first," Irma's father Jim explains. "But after the outpouring of pictures and videos from owners of Pit Bulls, showing how at the moment they were taken or filmed the dog was not mauling someone, we realized how petty our concerns were in the grand scheme of private dog ownership."

Admittedly feeling a little foolish after at first considering taking to the media to call for restrictions on ownership of pit bulls and similar breeds, the Simmons family now puts the tragic loss of their only child in perspective. "All dogs bite. Even an eleven pound Havanese might, if provoked by a pestering small child, become aggressive and bite, perhaps leaving a few small puncture wounds or a shallow abrasion. You don't see people trying to ban them!"

Tinkerbell, the Pit Bull involved in the tragic death of Irma Simmons, is well known in the tight knit community of Lynville. His owners and many in the town swear that he is a sweet and loving animal that usually loves small children. Town Sheriff Duane Jones, an animal lover and father of 3 children, says that Tinkerbell has never caused a problem before. "On one hand, these people don't purposefully choose to own such a potentially dangerous animal...wait, they have a choice? That's just crazy!"

Friday, November 22, 2013

Nursing Homes Unprepared for Pudding Shortages.....

Northfield, IL-If rising fuel prices continue to push the cost of food higher, United States nursing homes might not be prepared to deal with system wide pudding shortages according to researchers who looked at more than 400 nursing homes across the country.

"Of the nursing homes we studied, less than a quarter had plans in place specifically to deal with pudding shortages," lead researcher Everett Cosby, chief of the section of pudding epidemiology at the Kraft Foods research and development laboratory in Chicago, explained. "That leaves nearly 2.5 million elderly citizens at risk of receiving less than the recommended daily allowance of pudding, and that is unacceptable in a high risk population that is prone to pudding deficiency related health concerns."

In response to the findings, researchers from Kraft have issued a number of pudding management guidelines for nursing homes:

1. Provide education to staff members as well as to the families of nursing home residents regarding the importance of adequate pudding levels in men and women over the age of 65.

2. Open lines of communication with local pudding providers is essential in maintaining an adequate supply during shortages.

3. Stockpile at least a one month supply of pudding, preferably in a secret location off limits to residents.

4. Designate a trusted staff member to be responsible for pudding preparedness, having access to the hidden supply of pudding in case of a shortage in your area, and to protect the pudding horde at all costs.

5. Designate another staff member, or preferably a private security firm, to be responsible for determining if the staff member in charge of pudding preparedness has been tempted by the enormous cache of delicious pudding and become a pudding preparedness liability.

According to Cosby, the effect of a pudding shortage on this population should not be taken lightly. "If nursing homes are to be called upon to serve as a source of care, and pudding, for vulnerable citizens with nowhere else to turn, the impact of a widespread pudding supply breakdown could be catastrophic." Kraft Foods Inc. is calling for congress to enact legislation that will ensure that nursing home residents receive a steady supply of pudding in the event of any necessary pudding rationing.

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler.....

The Health Patrol

with Mitch Rangler

This country is sick. Down deep sick, like when my dog had a worm in his brain and Pappy made me shoot him in the head because that's what men do. There is a festering boil on America's posterior and its name is the pharmaceutical industry. I'm here with a rusty pocket knife and a handful of crumpled up tissues, and I'm gonna do what men do cause I'm a man.

Hello, I'm Mitch Rangler. And this is the Health Patrol. What is the Health Patrol? Who is Mitch Rangler? I'm just a man who will expose the sordid underbelly of Big Pharma and closed-minded doctors who pump us so full of drugs and lies we don't know our own shit from a tin of Shinola. I'm the guy that going to bring you information that those Wall Street fat cats and Washington bureaucrats are afraid of. I'll tell you what's shit, and what you can rub on your shoes. That's who Mitch Rangler is!

Doctors Cover Up Effective Home Remedies for the Common Cold!

I never get colds. It's a fact. But when I do, I know just how to stop it and get back to work, like a man. Doctors say there's no cure for a cold. But if they told you the truth they would lose out on the billions of dollars spent on phony baloney cold treatments like drugs and antibiotics. For every prescription they write for a cold medicine, they get paid and you get sicker! 

Or could they just be ignorant? Could they really not know about the many natural cures for colds and flus? The kind that Big Pharma can't buy and sell on the Sick Market! They must not live in my kitchen! That's too bad because I'm serving sandwiches...knuckle sandwiches! And I like mine heavy on the knuckle and light on processed store bought mayonnaise. I wouldn't eat that crap with somebody else's mouth. 

My kitchen is full of cold killing natural health remedies:

Tapioca Pudding: Pudding alone has restorative properties, which is why it's a part of every meal at the Rangler house. But tapioca will hang that cold virus out to dry. It's a mystery where this wonder fruit even comes from, but studies have show that if you eat tapioca pudding you feel better.

Prunes: A lot of people say the worst thing about a cold is the stuffy nose or the sore throat. Those people are idiots, plain and simple. Prunes are all natural, full of vitamins and antioxidants, and they keep me running as regular and consistent as a soft serve ice cream dispenser at a Marlon Brando impersonator convention.

Liver and Onions: When I get a cold, I double my intake of liver and onions. That's like ten times the cold fighting power! Liver is full of protein for stamina and vigor, and onions are full of minerals. I once ate 5 pounds of the stuff at a Luby's in Waco and didn't get sick for 6 months!

Chicken Soup: Chicken soup has been used centuries to cure colds. And science, which I usually don't care much for, has proven that it induces cold fighting immune systems! And if you eat a bowl with liver and onions, and a side of tapioca, that cold will pack its bags and move into somebody else's body. Maybe even a democrat!

Garlic: Common household garlic is a great treatment for colds and flus and can prevent them in the first place. Raw garlic has antifungal, antibacterial and antiviral properties. I rub it on my feet every time I go to the gym. Research proved garlic boosts healing and the immune system. That's why Italians don't get colds.

So the next time you get a cold, or think you are about to get one, try these options before heading to the doctor. And if you do go, don't mention my name. They will probably send you packing because you know the score, friends!  

I'm Mitch Rangler, and this has been The Health Patrol!

Friday, November 15, 2013

String of Grisly Murders Linked to Rogue Feng Shui.....

Chicago- Investigators of a string of grisly murders in the Chicago area may finally have a break in this puzzling case, thanks to some rather unconventional help from local practitioners of the ancient science of feng shui.

Feng shui, a Chinese system of manipulating the unseen mystical force which binds mankind to all existence by moving furniture, has been used for thousands of years to increase wealth and improve health. But what if there was a dark side to this powerful method of controlling human experience? What if instead of changing lives for the better, it could destroy them?

"I first suspected that a practitioner of rogue feng shui may be involved when I saw a picture of one of the crime scenes on a news report," Guo Pu, a Xuan Kong feng shui grandmaster and Chicago resident explained. "The furniture was arranged perfectly...too perfectly. And then I noticed a water feature placed in the southwest corner of the room right next to a statue of a yellow dragon. Then I knew."

Students of feng shui gain their wisdom while training at the mysterious Feng Shui Academy in Oakland, CA, where they first learn of the ability of feng shui to harm in addition to heal. Headmaster Vernon Wormer revealed that "students at Feng Shui academy are taught the history of the dark side of our practice, so that they might learn to respect its awesome power. Unless we learn from our past we our doomed to repeat it."

Headmaster Wormer denied the possibility that rogue feng shui has played a role in the recent spate of homicides, stating that students are not actually taught any techniques that might bring about death or destruction of property. But an anonymous source within the academy told me that there is a book in the forbidden section of the library that contains such teachings, and that it might just be possible to arrange the shelves in such a way as to render a student invisible so that they might read the book. That is if school caretaker Mrs. Flitch and her dog Mr. Norbitt aren't around.

Pu, a 1976 graduate of Feng Shui Academy and former president of the Lambda Lambda Lambda Honor Society, has offered to help investigators. "I know the one person who would do this, and I know he won't stop until he has arranged a deadly path of furniture, plug-in water fountains and cheap animal statues all over this plane of existence!"

Monday, November 11, 2013

Dr. Phil On Ice Set to Begin National Tour.....

Los Angeles, CA- Finally, after 11 years of bringing his daily comprehensive forum for mental health issues into the living rooms of millions of Americans, Dr. Phil McGraw is strapping on his skates and taking his no nonsense brand of straight shooting tough love to the ice.

"I think we all new that this was the direction this was heading," McGraw explains while stretching a tight hamstring after completing a perfectly executed double axel-double toe loop jump combination. "I've exhausted the medium of television as a means of making complex psychology both accessible and understandable for regular folks. You don't need a pack of wild horses to learn how to make a sandwich!"

Following in the footsteps of Sally Jessie Raphael and Ricky Lake, former talk show giants who exchanged a television studio for a chance to make a real connection with people while touring with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey travelling circus, Dr. Phil will be tackling such diverse topics as bullying, drug abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, suicide and a various forms of severe mental illness via the majesty of ice dancing. McGraw reveals, "Sometimes you have to make the right decision, and sometimes you have to make the decision right."

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Integrative Marine Biologists Discover Evidence of Dolphin Acupuncture.....

Coconut Island, HI- Researchers at the Andrew Weil Institute of Integrative Marine Biology have announced the discovery of compelling evidence that dolphins use acupuncture.

"We aren't sure if this is simply an extremely complex example of imitative behavior, or an independently developed alternative health system," Greta Bowen, director of Cetacean Physiology at AWIIMB, explained. "Regardless, this represents a stunning advance in our understanding of cetacean culture and will change the way we interact with these majestic and highly intelligent sea creatures from now on."

Though long considered to be one of the most intelligent nonhuman animals, dolphins have never fully distinguished themselves as capable of using tools in a complex manner. With this amazing discovery, dolphins have now surpassed nonhuman primates in this regard. Not only are dolphins clearly tool users, but it appears that they have also developed a fully fleshed out system of diagnosis and treatment of illness.

Acupuncture, an ancient Chinese practice, involves the insertion of fine needles into specific points on the body in order to unblock the stagnant flow of Chi. Chi is the life force, or energy, of the human body and must flow freely through the many channels, or meridians, in the body in order to maintain balance and a state of health. Researchers at AWIIMB discovered defects in dolphin carcasses, and even some live specimens, which roughly correspond to traditional Chinese acupuncture points.

These defects, although larger than what would be expected after human acupuncture treatments, are felt to reflect the crude use of floating branches sharpened with the use of seashells. Bowen revealed,
"The defects in the dolphins' skin, which are about the size of the tooth of a tiger shark, reveal the difficulties of underwater acupuncture. They range from clean punctures to open gashes and are found in various stages of healing. What we don't know yet is if the variations in technique are intentional or a complication of strong ocean currents during treatment sessions."
The AWIIMB, fierce advocates for holistic veterinary medicine, are taking advantage of this discovery to reach out to the public. While no surveys on the use of traditional alternative medicine by animals have been done to date, the use of therapies such as acupuncture and chiropractic on animals is growing in popularity, although this usually takes place in neighborhood veterinary clinics and on household pets. Bowen concludes, "We now know that this is out there in the wild. So wildlife and marine biologists, regardless of whether or not they accept that these treatments are effective, need to be aware of their use."

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Dietary Evolution Versus Culinary Design.....

Belvidere, NE- When Home Economics teacher Fran Gill refused to read a statement about culinary design before her lesson on the origin of modern recipes, she was taking a stand. She had no idea that this simple act of defiance would create a controversy, at least a local one. For while national attention has focused on the events in Louisiana and Texas regarding the teaching of evolution, a small public school in Nebraska is having its own battle.

In 2008, the Belvidere school board, which consists of mayor Spooner Jenkins, who also serves as fire chief and deliverer of copies of the Ye Olde Nebraskian to 42 of 43 houses every Sunday, voted unanimously to approve the forced teaching of culinary design(CD) in the town’s one room schoolhouse. The 43rd house in this picturesque community belongs to Maynard Wilks who refuses to subscribe to the statewide newspaper because of a long running feud with Myrna Miller, his neighbor and winner of the town bake-off 53 years running. When asked for more specific reasons he muttered, “No good Myrna Miller and her dagnab peach cobbler. Tastes like 3-day-old biscuits if you asked me!”.

This red brick building, which has been used as the town school since Randy Watson’s Chicken Taco Casserole stand went bankrupt in 1983, employs 1/2 of the town’s population. The other half are farmers and/or farming assistants. There are 3 students, Jimron Watkins, Susabell Watkins, and Jimron Watkins Jr., each of which are currently taking Home Economics 101 which has always been a popular course with students and teachers. Other courses offered at the school are Tractor Repair I, II, and Advanced Tractor Theory; Wheat; Corn; Cow Parts; The Art of Taxidermy; Careers in Soil Management; UFO Abduction Basics; Whuppin; and Algebra.

Most chefs and food scientists accept that modern recipes have, over billions of years, come to exist in their current form through a series of random ingredient additions resulting in more palatable combinations. Recipes more pleasing to the taste had a better chance of surviving while those which offended the taste buds were cast aside. Of note, the Theory of Dietary Evolution does not comment on the origin of the first recipe although this is an area of extreme scientific interest. It does, with over a hundred years of solid scientific investigation to support it, explain how early recipes consisting of the most basic ingredients such as salt and pepper evolved into such modern entities as Baked Alaska and Chicken-Vegetable Kabobs.

Culinary Design supporters claim that the best evidence actually points toward an intelligent creator of modern recipes. And they disagree with those skeptics who feel that they have a religious agenda. “They are just trying to force god, or the holy chef as they like to call him, into our public schools!”, Floyd Watkins, father of Jimron Watkins, grandfather of Jimron Watkins Jr., and school janitor, gym teacher, hall monitor, and bus driver was heard to say by Jethro Laney, town car washer, sheriff, and head cook at Ronda’s $2 dollar cafĂ©, where every item on the menu is $2 except for the World Famous $3 Dollar Meatloaf. When I pointed out the redundancy in using a dollar sign as well as the word dollar, Ronda growled, “The sign says 3 buck so that’s what you gotta pay for it!”.

So will this growing controversy tear the peaceful town of Belvidere, Nebraska apart? Will the expected influx of the media and other strange city folk affect the good natured attitude Belvidere is famous for. Only time and an upcoming trial will tell. The residents have called in lawyers from nearby Carleton, Nebraska, population 136, to represent the opposing sides on this issue. Carleton will send it’s two lawyers, both of whom will soon be graduates of the Correspondence College of Tampa’s Lawyer School. This will surely be a clash of titanic proportions.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Many Americans are Diluting Their Sugar with a Common and Potentially Deadly Chemical Compound.....

Arlington, VA- Many Americans are diluting their sugar with a common but potentially dangerous chemical compound according to Researchers at the American Sugar Alliance headquarters in Arlington, Virginia.

"If I hadn't seen the data myself, I probably wouldn't have believed it," ASA president and 3rd generation sugar beet farmer Mulch Stinson explained. "But it's right there in black and white. Now adults can do what they want, but there's kids drinking this stuff."

The study, funded by the ASA, looked at the ways Americans have been consuming sugar over the past ten years. The researchers discovered that virtually every American adult, and a significant percentage of American children, are adding the chemical compound dihydrogen monoxide to their sugar. At today's press conference, Stinson raised serious concerns about the widespread availability of this potentially deadly combination. "This stuff is everywhere. People can just mix up a batch at home or go down the street to the Piggly Wiggly and buy 3 liters of the stuff. And it's colorful and it's got cartoon characters on the labels and they got prizes under the caps. That's how they get you hooked."

What has Stinson and the ASA worried are the not only the possible direct negative health effects of dihydrogen monoxide, but the indirect consequences of lowering sugar intake. "Sugar is an important nutrient, and must be available in our bodies at all times. Low levels can cause serious injury to the brain, and it could kill you." Stinson then looked off in the distance, at what I can't say, but it was probably something pretty damn special.

I spoke with Dr. Mort Fishman DCC, a doctor of clinical carbohydratology employed by American Crystal Sugar, who revealed the following:
"This dihydrogen monoxide stuff is lethal in high enough amounts, leading to swelling of the brain, seizures and death. If inhaled, it can cause a pretty serious disruption in the ability to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide in the lungs, leading to respiratory failure. It's even a major component of acid rain and many other dangerous chemicals. And in areas where large enough amounts have naturally collected, it's not long before the place is lousy with sharks."
In addition to increasing awareness of dihydrogen monoxide poisoning, the ASA and numerous other groups, like American Crystal Sugar, are dedicated to protecting the American public from the dangers of low blood sugar. They have joined together to release the following list of reminders and recommendations to keep you and your loved ones safe:

1. Eat sugar at every meal and snack.
2. Avoid going more than an hour without any sugar intake.
3. There are many sugar delivery products and devices available on the market, but be sure to check the label to make sure that there are at least 30 grams per serving.
3. When in doubt or in a hurry, don't get bogged down calculating serving sizes. If sugar is on the list of ingredients, just eat the whole thing.
4. If a product contains dihydrogen monoxide, simply boiling it until it forms a thick syrup is sufficient to remove most of the dangerous compound. Then consume an amount of that syrup equivalent to the amount in the original mixture. For example, if you want to drink 12oz and have a product containing a mixture of sugar and dihydrogen monoxide, boil enough of the mixture to leave 12oz of sugar syrup and then just go ahead and drink that.
5. Be creative and come up with exciting new ways to increase your sugar intake. What about bathing in pancake syrup or a Twix bar suppository? Let us know what you've come up with and you might be featured in a future edition of our monthly newsletter, Sugar Fancy.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Chiropractic Researchers Study Lunar Effects.....

Falls Church, VA- Though long believed to significantly impact human behavior and biology, modern reductionist science has yet to find convincing evidence. Skeptics vehemently deny that the moon plays a role in human health but believers are plentiful, and they have proposed a variety of potential mechanisms of action for so called lunar effects. But just how the moon might increase fertility, for example, or delay blood clotting remains largely a mystery.

There are far more questions than answers when it comes to the moon. What is it? How did it get up there? What is the source of its light. Who? But chiropractic researchers at the headquarters of the International Chiropractic Association in Falls Church may finally have a few answers.

"Let's face it, we don't know much about the moon," chiropractic researcher Jill Alcabaz explains. "But that doesn't mean we can't harness its healing powers. It would be foolish to let something as irrelevant as basic scientific plausibility stand in our way when there are literally millions of potential patients out there that need our help."

Alcabaz and her team of experts on the human spine at the ICA set out gain a better understanding of lunar effects a little over one year ago. And what they found may change the way western science thinks about the moon and chiropractic healthcare. 53,000 patients with really bad headaches were recruited to take part in the trial, which involved half being assigned to chiropractic care during a full moon and the other half receiving a pamphlet on self-administered home chiropractic care to be done on any day other than when the moon was full. Headache severity was assessed using a standard scale of one to five, with one being no headache and five being a really really bad headache.

After the year long observational period concluded, of the 42 patients who completed the study an astounding 97% of participants undergoing chiropractic care during a full moon either did not have a headache at the time, or their headache was a 4 or less on the headache severity scale. Of the participants who received the informational pamphlet, only 3 were headache free and 1 had a score less than 5. But what does this mean according to Alcabaz:

"After some pretty sophisticated statistical analysis, we found that combining chiropractic care and the beneficial rays of the full moon led to a statistically significant improvement in headache severity and likelihood that a subject's headache resolved completely. I can't say that about the subjects who performed home chiropractic."
The results of the study aren't surprising to many in the chiropractic community. Frank Grimes DC, who has been a practicing chiropractor in Belvidere, NE for over twenty years, has seen first hand the miraculous results of quality chiropractic administered by a trained professional. "You can't just do it at home and expect the same results. I went to school for 4 years to learn how to do this. I question the ethics of this study."

The paper, which will be published on the ICA website next month, may have proven that the full moon does effect the human body but it leaves open the question of how. Alcabaz does have some ideas. "The human body is mostly comprised of water, carbon, protein and energy. Chiropractic impacts the flow of energy and the moon causes the ocean tides. It seems pretty obvious what is going on here."