"If I hadn't seen the data myself, I probably wouldn't have believed it," ASA president and 3rd generation sugar beet farmer Mulch Stinson explained. "But it's right there in black and white. Now adults can do what they want, but there's kids drinking this stuff."
The study, funded by the ASA, looked at the ways Americans have been consuming sugar over the past ten years. The researchers discovered that virtually every American adult, and a significant percentage of American children, are adding the chemical compound dihydrogen monoxide to their sugar. At today's press conference, Stinson raised serious concerns about the widespread availability of this potentially deadly combination. "This stuff is everywhere. People can just mix up a batch at home or go down the street to the Piggly Wiggly and buy 3 liters of the stuff. And it's colorful and it's got cartoon characters on the labels and they got prizes under the caps. That's how they get you hooked."
What has Stinson and the ASA worried are the not only the possible direct negative health effects of dihydrogen monoxide, but the indirect consequences of lowering sugar intake. "Sugar is an important nutrient, and must be available in our bodies at all times. Low levels can cause serious injury to the brain, and it could kill you." Stinson then looked off in the distance, at what I can't say, but it was probably something pretty damn special.
I spoke with Dr. Mort Fishman DCC, a doctor of clinical carbohydratology employed by American Crystal Sugar, who revealed the following:
"This dihydrogen monoxide stuff is lethal in high enough amounts, leading to swelling of the brain, seizures and death. If inhaled, it can cause a pretty serious disruption in the ability to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide in the lungs, leading to respiratory failure. It's even a major component of acid rain and many other dangerous chemicals. And in areas where large enough amounts have naturally collected, it's not long before the place is lousy with sharks."In addition to increasing awareness of dihydrogen monoxide poisoning, the ASA and numerous other groups, like American Crystal Sugar, are dedicated to protecting the American public from the dangers of low blood sugar. They have joined together to release the following list of reminders and recommendations to keep you and your loved ones safe:
1. Eat sugar at every meal and snack.
2. Avoid going more than an hour without any sugar intake.
3. There are many sugar delivery products and devices available on the market, but be sure to check the label to make sure that there are at least 30 grams per serving.
3. When in doubt or in a hurry, don't get bogged down calculating serving sizes. If sugar is on the list of ingredients, just eat the whole thing.
4. If a product contains dihydrogen monoxide, simply boiling it until it forms a thick syrup is sufficient to remove most of the dangerous compound. Then consume an amount of that syrup equivalent to the amount in the original mixture. For example, if you want to drink 12oz and have a product containing a mixture of sugar and dihydrogen monoxide, boil enough of the mixture to leave 12oz of sugar syrup and then just go ahead and drink that.
5. Be creative and come up with exciting new ways to increase your sugar intake. What about bathing in pancake syrup or a Twix bar suppository? Let us know what you've come up with and you might be featured in a future edition of our monthly newsletter, Sugar Fancy.