Chicago- Investigators of a string of grisly murders in the Chicago area may finally have a break in this puzzling case, thanks to some rather unconventional help from local practitioners of the ancient science of feng shui.
Feng shui, a Chinese system of manipulating the unseen mystical force which binds mankind to all existence by moving furniture, has been used for thousands of years to increase wealth and improve health. But what if there was a dark side to this powerful method of controlling human experience? What if instead of changing lives for the better, it could destroy them?
"I first suspected that a practitioner of rogue feng shui may be involved when I saw a picture of one of the crime scenes on a news report," Guo Pu, a Xuan Kong feng shui grandmaster and Chicago resident explained. "The furniture was arranged perfectly...too perfectly. And then I noticed a water feature placed in the southwest corner of the room right next to a statue of a yellow dragon. Then I knew."
Students of feng shui gain their wisdom while training at the mysterious Feng Shui Academy in Oakland, CA, where they first learn of the ability of feng shui to harm in addition to heal. Headmaster Vernon Wormer revealed that "students at Feng Shui academy are taught the history of the dark side of our practice, so that they might learn to respect its awesome power. Unless we learn from our past we our doomed to repeat it."
Headmaster Wormer denied the possibility that rogue feng shui has played a role in the recent spate of homicides, stating that students are not actually taught any techniques that might bring about death or destruction of property. But an anonymous source within the academy told me that there is a book in the forbidden section of the library that contains such teachings, and that it might just be possible to arrange the shelves in such a way as to render a student invisible so that they might read the book. That is if school caretaker Mrs. Flitch and her dog Mr. Norbitt aren't around.
Pu, a 1976 graduate of Feng Shui Academy and former president of the Lambda Lambda Lambda Honor Society, has offered to help investigators. "I know the one person who would do this, and I know he won't stop until he has arranged a deadly path of furniture, plug-in water fountains and cheap animal statues all over this plane of existence!"