Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Ask Dr. Ben! Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Education.....

Ask Dr. Ben!

Are you curious about the world around you? 

Do you marvel at the mysteries of nature? 

Where does the sun go at night? How do magnets work?

Have you been frustrated by liberal academic elites that don't acknowledge your personal beliefs?

Not any more! Not ever again! 

You aren't alone!

Dear Dr. Ben,

I am a Christian Health and the Human Body teacher and my 8th grade students are constantly asking me about their private areas. You know the ones I'm talking about. The P and the V. Now one of the girls is pregnant! How do I answer their questions in a straightforward, honest, and accurate way that's in keeping with the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Help!

Baffled in Baton Rouge

Dear Baffled,

That is a great question and one that is increasingly important as the moral fabric of our once great nation is eroded by false beliefs in evolution, harvesting unborn babies for profit, and gun control. First and foremost, discussions of this nature require compassion and a solid grounding in the teachings of the first biology textbook: the Bible. Well-designed Christian research can supplement what we know from the Bible.

According to researchers from the Illinois branch of the Institute for Abstinence Research (IAR), a nonpartisan organization dedicated to applying sound science to the study of abstinence as a means of preventing unsafe sexual practices, a growing number of sexual education teachers are failing to cover even the basics of appropriate instruction in American schools.

A recent study performed by IAR, which involved a scientifically designed telephone survey of former students of sexual education/health teachers at over 200 Illinois schools, revealed that more than a quartile of instructors did not meet sound scientific standards of sexual education as defined the IAR. And many teachers may have no special training in Biblical sexual education of students.

The researchers warn that teenagers may need help filling in the large gaps in their sexual education, and in "unlearning" any misinformation already picked up in inferior classes. According to the IAR, many of today's students are learning a number of medical myths as proven facts. I recommend the IAR pamphlet as a guide in discussing these myths and providing the information to dispel them.

Here is just a sample of the high quality information included in the pamphlet:

"Myth #1
Condoms prevent STD's.

Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Institute for Abstinence Research have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV, often all at the same time, regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases. That is a 20% chance each and every time you "strap it on, player!" Next time, instead of using a condom, try reading a book or volunteering at a retirement home!

Myth #2
Condoms prevent pregnancy.

Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the IAR have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded. They are also prone to liberalism and homosexuality. Instead of homosexuality, try "no mo sexuality" until you're good and married.

Myth #3
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.

This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger God and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.

Myth #4
It's okay to have sex once you are married.

While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the IAR, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord."

I hope that this helps. Good luck out there!

Your friend,
Dr. Ben

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Proctor & Gamble Announces Swiffer Home Detox Kit.....

Cincinnati, OH- Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the addition of an easy to use home body cleansing kit to the line of cleaning products.
Customer Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment.
"We've spent the past one hundred and seventy seven years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble Chairman, President, and CEO Alan George Lafley explained. "And with our new Bissel Steamboost enema attachment and full body detox pads, Swiffer will truly give cleaning a whole new meaning!"

Just like your kitchen floor can become caked with grime and mud, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste according to the expert that returned my calls, like Doctor of Household Naturopathy Mort Fishman. "We live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier foods, like genetically modified electromagnetic gluten. Now my patients don't need to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats."