Saturday, July 15, 2017

Kraft Heinz Announces New Sleep Support Lunchables.....

Fullerton, CA- In response to a growing body of research on the benefits of adequate sleep for developing children, and the nap time frustration increasingly experienced by parents, The Kraft Heinz Company has announced the development of new Sleep Support Lunchables.

A toddler, shown here achieving a peaceful and restorative sleep with the help of Sleep Support Lunchables
"Since 1989, busy parents around the world have turned to Lunchables prepackaged meals," Kraft Heinz Chairman Alex Behring explained. "Instead of thinking of our product as simply a time-saving miracle, concerned caregivers will soon come to rely on our Sleep Support product line to improve the overall health and well-being of their children by helping them to catch a few valuable extra z's."

Sleep Support Lunchables will come prepackaged with the same variety of foods and food-like substances that kids have tolerated for years. But according to Dr. Mort Fishman, a pediatric sleep expert and medical consultant for Kraft Heinz, the new boxes will also contain sleep promotion educational material. "Teaching kids about proper sleep hygiene is important, especially now that electronic screens have become such a prevalent sleep hazard. Also every serving of the pudding contains 25 mg of Benadryl."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Lego Group Unveils New Lego Naturals® Product Line.....

Billund, Denmark- The Lego Group, makers of the world's most popular brand of construction toys, has announced the production of a new line of Lego Naturals® products in response to growing concerns from health conscious and environmentally aware parents.

An eco-friendly model of the Sydney Opera House built with Lego Naturals® construction bricks
"Parents are doing their research and have expressed many concerns about both the environmental impact of discarded Lego pieces and possible adverse health effects from exposure to our products," Niels Jacobson, Chairman of The Lego Group, explained. "I'm confident that they will be pleased with our efforts."

Lego Naturals® will be manufactured using only organic wood and plant pulps, and without plastics, artificial colors, or chemical hardening agents. Durability of the individual pieces will be somewhat decreased according to Jacobson. "We are advising customers to consider these as single use, 100% biodegradable products because the slightest bit of atmospheric humidity, even just the natural oils of the human fingers, will cause significant decomposition within minutes of exposing the individual pieces to the environment. This will limit the versatility of the toys but not the imagination of the young child."

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Virtual Reality to Allow Boston Poor to Experience New Tapas Place on Beacon Street.....

Brookline, MA- Thanks to a revolutionary advance in virtual reality technology, the poor people of Boston, and eventually the world, will be able to experience that new Tapas place on Beacon street.

Boston native Mark Wahlberg, shown here leaning forward with elbows on knees and clasped hands hiding an erection from the photographer

"Not a day goes by that I don't worry about those less fortunate than myself," Brookline resident Tate Uppington explained. "To go through life having never experienced the many natural and man-made wonders of the world, like Iceland's Golden Falls or the view from the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, is bad enough. But that new tapas place on Beacon is a just transcendent."

Starting later this month, single use virtual reality headsets will be issued to Boston residents earning less than the federal poverty level in the alley behind Dunkin' Donuts. The devices, developed at MIT and funded by a grant from the Brookline Rotary Club, will transport the less fortunate into the Burro Bar on a busy Friday night. According to Uppington, they will have the opportunity to marvel at the sights and sounds of the establishment, which is known for a variety of creatively stuffed tacos and a large selection of tequilas, all while enjoying narration provided by actor, and Dorchester native, Mark Wahlberg.