The beginning of each new year always finds me answering the calls of clients, the press and leaders of world governments who are eager to get a head start on the days to come. I can't say that I blame them considering my incredible track record of successfully predicting future events. Like when I saw the coming of cordless telephones. I won't use them though. Man wasn't meant to walk around while talking on the phone.
But each year I grow more and more weary of this burden. The power to see the future is both a privilege and a curse. Sure it was nice knowing that the latest Adam Sandler movie would be terrible before it hit theaters, but was it worth it?
For every agonizing trip to the movies that I've saved myself and millions of others, and for every tragedy I've foreseen, like in 1968 when I successfully predicted that there would be a power outage in an American city leading to several refrigerators full of spoiled food, I must also live with the knowledge of events over which I have no control. Like how somewhere in the world this year a child will call out for his mother in the dark of night, fearful of what might be lurking in the shadows, only to realize that the source of their fear is the dark itself. And clowns.
As I do every year, I've spent the past few weeks deep below ground in order to avoid the interference of neutrinos and skeptics. I've encased myself in a sensory deprivation tank. I've purged my body of toxins and free radicals. I've watched the first season of House of Cards on Netflix.
As always, I can't promise that each and every one of my predictions will come to pass with complete accuracy. My visions of the future are not always clear. At times it is like staring through an open window, while at others it is as if somebody has smeared Super Poligrip on my glasses.
Here are my top twenty predictions for 2015:
1. Money will continue to exist as a convenient medium of exchange in many countries, but bartering as a means of payment for goods and services will gain popularity in the United States. In addition to chickens and baked goods, many people will make purchases using items of personal sentimental value after the existence of metahumans that feed on the emotions and memories absorbed by physical objects is revealed.
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| Fat chickens like these will be very valuable in the barter system of 2015! |
2. Ebola will be huge in 2015, even landing a coveted spot on The Tonight Show with James Falton.
3. Bitter cold will be experienced in large parts of the Unites States. But thanks to a revolutionary new device developed by Amish scientists, humans will be able to venture much farther north than ever before, even colonizing lands north of South Dakota.
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| A clustering of Amish men looking out upon the unsettled wastelands of Canada |
4. Conflicts will occur throughout the world this year, even in previously peaceful areas like New Brunswick and Syria. There will be conflict between nations and individuals. Often this will involve arguments over religion and money, but I can see at least one war between two neighboring countries after somebody refuses to take down their Christmas lights after New Years.
5. Water was a major focus in 2014 (another successful prediction!) but wind will be on everyone's mind this year. Celebrities and regular folk alike will be blown away when a new invention allows mankind to convert wind into energy! But it's not all good news. Wind will be implicated in several disasters in 2015, resulting in the loss of thousands of lives and countless ruined haircuts.
6. The Bermuda Triangle will be in the news, not because of what is found there but because of what isn't. The United States, based on the discovery of an ancient treasure map unearthed during the destruction of the Pentagon, will spend billions dredging the infamous triangular region of the western North Atlantic Ocean. But instead of a treasure of unimaginable wealth, they will inadvertently stumble on a previously unknown island nation named Puerto Rico.
7. Healthcare will be in the news, but not for the living. 2015 will see both a cure for the common cold and the development of a new form of imaging which reverses the polarity of a standard Magnet Resonating Imager (MRI). Ghosts!
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| Should ghosts benefit from the Affordable Care Act? |
8. I am very worried that Americans will not be getting enough sleep after a rider limiting daily sleep to five hours is attached to a bill declaring Smarch 11th as a National Day of Scrapbooking.
9. In September, millions of senior citizens will confuse the sound of a television or radio in another room with an intruder, tying the 9-1-1 emergency response system up for hours and costing taxpayers over a trillion dollars.
10. Several major elections will take place in 2015, the outcomes of which will be decided by the number of votes received by each candidate. Some of these elections will involve television and radio ads and even door-to-door visits by campaign volunteers. The moon landing hoax!
11. What is vaping? Is it a new kind of dance? Is it legal? Can anybody do it?
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| Would Jesus vape? |
12. A new organ will be discovered by medical researchers. It will be located west of the pancreas and will be called the plectum. It's purpose will remain a mystery.
13. Immigrants.
14. One ring to rule them all, one right to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. GMOs!
15. For years humanity has wondered, "Do plants think? And if so, are they reliable witnesses in a murder investigation? Should they be allowed to vote?" Answers will come in the Summer of 2015. I won't spoil the surprise but let's just say no, they don't, yes, they can, and yes, but only with an official photo ID!
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| Can this plant vouch for my whereabouts on August 3rd, 2015? |
16. Traffic.
17. The United States will finally pass a law making the metric system mandatory, although it will win by a very slim margin of only 2.84*10
-9 moles of votes.
18. A habitable extrasolar planet will be discovered by an unlikely team of high school misfits, thus saving our species from extinction at the hands of an intergalactic overlord seeking revenge after falling for a Nigerian advanced fee scam.
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| Should aliens be allowed to vote? Why not? Plants can. |
19. That guy who's on all those shows. What's his name? Rick? Rich? Ryan? Mario Lopez? Yeah, he's going to die.
20. Bees!
