More Parents Relying on Fetal Body Language Analysis.....

Newark, NJ - A recent Parenting Magazine survey has revealed that more parents-to-be are taking advantage of fetal body language analysis using prenatal ultrasound to help plan for their new arrival.

A licensed fetal body language expert, shown here explaining to new parents that their baby loves Drake and...ummm...let's just say football. Yeah, football. That's not racist, right?

"There is so much uncertainty out there for new parents," Kim Jacobs, fetal body language expert and owner of the Getting to Know You 4D Ultrasound Studio in Newark, explained. "What is the baby's favorite color? Do they want to be fed breast milk or formula? What pronouns should the medical team use? Parents are desperate for any information that might help them prepare."

The use of cutting edge 4D ultrasound systems has revolutionized fetal body language analysis. In the past, experts were forced to make a stupid flip book from a bunch of printed ultrasound pictures in order to perform an analysis. Now they can acquire and display 3D data sets in real time, just like a movie in the DC Extended Universe. This allows for analysis that is a quartile more accurate.

Though the science of fetal body language analysis is still in its infancy, testimonials from pleased parents are already piling up. Recent Getting to Know You clients Wild and Carli Howell are helping to spread the word around Newark. "We loved learning about her personality and her preferences before the birth. It helped us prepare. It gave us hope."

Ear Acupuncture May Benefit Patients with Penetrating Neck Wounds.....

Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of an ancient Chinese needle-based therapy are optimistic after the publication of a study looking into the use of ear acupuncture in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds.

Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here curing a 25-year-old man with total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by several seconds

"We compared verum ear acupuncture plus usual care to usual care alone in severe knife wounds of the neck," lead researcher at University of New Mexico's Center for Studies, Dr. Flip Watkins, explained. "Though the subjects all died, there was an intriguing statistical trend towards slower death in the acupuncture group."

The study, which was published this week in Online Publishing Module #37,211 - Critical Care Acupuncture, involved a convenience sample of subjects with deep neck wounds who were randomized into treatment and usual care groups. According to Dr. Watkins, choosing the right acupuncture points to use was key to the methodological rigor of the study. "We focused on ancient Chinese texts dating back 5,000 years and determined that the ear acupuncture points corresponding to general neck health and also blood vessel integrity were the most likely to yield positive results."

Once the study concluded, a team of top statisticians set to work running the outcomes through a number of complicated algorithms using powerful graphing calculators on loan from the North Albuquerque Space Administration (NASA). What they found raised more questions than it answered, according to Chief of Complementary and Alternative Mathematics (CAM) Allyson Sanders. "Although none of the results were statistically significant, we've all got a really good feeling about this. More research is definitely needed."