More Hospitals are Making Some Surgical Procedures 100% Virtual

Minot, ND- As cases of novel coronavirus infections rise, more hospitals in the Dakotas are choosing to make some surgical procedures 100% virtual, such as draining abscesses, skin biopsies, and uncomplicated appendectomies, in order to keep more beds available for patients with COVID-19 and other serious conditions.

A white, male physician, shown here holding a clipboard, showing his privilege, and...I don't know...mansplaining?

"We put a lot of thought into this decision," Sanford Health CEO Bill Gassen explained. "It wasn't easy, and we all feel a bit backed into a corner here, but we have to prepare for the worst. And frankly, a lot of people do this anyway in the Dakotas. It'll be fine."

Gassen further revealed that prior to each procedure a patient will receive all necessary supplies by courier. This will include a detailed discussion of the risks and benefits of the procedure in writing, as well as technical step by step instructions, and there will be pre-recorded YouTube videos available online. A board certified medical doctor or surgeon will be available via Zoom to troubleshoot any difficulties that arise, or to pronounce death.

Despite reassurances from Gassen and other hospital system administrators, not everyone is on board with the decision. Some, like orthopedic surgeon Mort Fishman, are concerned that the new policy will result in unforeseen adverse outcomes. "What if the patient, or their designated surrogate, is unable to complete the procedure? Do I still get paid?"

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: It's Time to Pass That Kidney Stone Naturally.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch has passed over a dozen kidney stones and helped thousands more pass them naturally, the way Greb intended

Kidney stones are one of the most common stones found in the human body, yet their origins remain a mystery. Did they develop over time because of lifestyle choices or, as I'm inclined to believe, were they put there by some kind of higher power to teach us a lesson about humanity. Either way, kidney stones are something that define us as a species. No other animal, not even the Pitted Skunk Viper, has ever been found to have kidney stones.

To make kidney stones is human!

The best time to start thinking about how you want to pass your kidney stone is before you have one. It may be hard to believe, but many people don't have a written passage plan ready to go when the waves of pain, nausea, and bloody urine hit. But thanks to thousands of years of accumulated traditional health wisdom, and even a bit of knowledge that comes to us from those fathead eggheads in their modern medical ivory towers, there are now many options to choose from. But when faced with the choice of either a life-changing experience or becoming just another overmedicalized healthcare statistic, isn't the best option clear? Do you want a beautiful memory or just a few millimeters of concreted calcium to take home in a specimen cup?

You can has both!

Natural kidney stone passage is becoming increasingly common these days. That's because there are so many amazing reasons why you should consider doing it! One of the biggest complaints that my patients have after undergoing the conventional medical approach is the lack of freedom of movement. Doctors want you to stay in bed, but a study near Harvard found that certain yoga positions increase patient satisfaction with the passage of their stone by a quartile.

Near Harvard!

With natural stone passage, you choose when and where you want to the experience to happen, whether it's at home, at work, at the gym in the car, at the grocery store, or in a suite at a holistic passage center under the care of a certified stone matron. Modern pharmaceutical and surgical interventions have risks and can be uncomfortable, but did you know that a simple 5:2 admixture of elk chyme and fern gullet can ease the passage of your kidney stone, and it always works as long as you want it to badly enough. I bet your doctor doesn't know and will probably act like your crazy if you even ask about it. I wonder why.

Doctors don't want you to know about my remedies!

As a practicing nutritionologist with centuries of experience, I can't remember any patient under my care whose kidney stone took longer to pass than it was supposed to. Each stone has a natural rhythm that should not be interfered with by chemicals, toxic shock waves, or failure to pay up front. And virtually all of my patients that have come back for a follow-up visit at The Health Patrol clinic have been satisfied with my services. 

Pay up front!

Using drugs to numb your body, or surgical procedures to remove your stone, is artificial and unnatural. Instead, make a memory that will last a lifetime. Passing your stone naturally will be an experience that you can treasure and that will inspire greatness in all you do! Natural stone passage will give you confidence in all aspects of life. You will never look back and wonder if you made the right choice. You will gaze into the future and be ready for whatever is in store. But it isn't all about you and your experience. Natural passage is also better for the stone!

Don't be so selfish!

When push comes to shove, you really have nothing to lose. That was an attempt at humor to lighten the mood and make me seem more relatable to people like you, regular dummies with no particular expertise in these things. But why not try? Come in today for my Fall Into Savings Natural Kidney Stone Passage Package. It includes a full spectral analysis, a plectal scraping, a hand muddled remedy, and free access to one of our amazing passage suites (first 15 minutes free, $50 for each additional quarter hour). Can you really put a price on the experience of a lifetime? Yes! It's $199.95!