Supreme Court to Hear Arguments in Ohio Intravenous Fluid Rate Case Today.....

Washington, D.C. - The Supreme Court of the United States is about to confront a controversial new case involving state lawmakers' right to use the legislative process to shape the practice of medicine free from the intervention of state courts.

A nurse, shown here demonstrating moral fatigue as she shamefully watches D5NS run at 60.3 milliliters per hour as ordered by an activist conservative doctor in Ohio

The court is set to hear arguments today in a case from Ohio, where Republican efforts to dictate the rate at which maintenance intravenous (IV) fluids, typically consisting of water with varying amounts of added glucose, sodium, chloride, and sometimes potassium, must be infused into a patient, were blocked by the state Supreme Court because the GOP orders violated the state constitution. In Ohio's case, there are clear requirements for maintenance rates to be ordered only using whole numbers. This avoids "an abomination of the natural order".

The question for the justices is whether the United States Constitution's provision giving state legislatures the power to dictate rules about the "rate, route, and type" of IV fluids cuts state courts out of the process altogether.

"This is the single most important case on American medical practice in the nation's history," Mort Fishman, a prominent conservative orthopedic surgeon and former head of the Ohio Republican State Medical Association, explained. "They may round up or down in California when ordering IV fluids, but real Ohioans appreciate precision that doesn't cave in to a woke agenda and their critical rate theory."

The Republican leaders of Ohio's legislature told the Supreme Court that the Constitution's "carefully drawn lines place the calculation of intravenous fluid administration, usually ordered in milliliters or cubic centimeters per hour, in the hands of the state legislatures, Congress and no one else."

Three conservative justices already have voiced some support for the idea that the state court had improperly taken powers given by the Constitution when it comes to IV fluids. A fourth has written approvingly about limiting the power of the state courts in this area. And a fifth sat back and gleefully watched as his wife tried to overthrow the federal government.

But the Supreme Court has never invoked what is known as the independent state legislature theory. It was, though, mentioned in a separate opinion by three conservatives in the Bush v. Gore case that settled the debate between normal saline and Ringer's solution.

If the court were to recognize it now, opponents of the concept argue, the effects could be much broader than simply maintenance rates or whether or not to order an addition of 20 milliequivalents of potassium chloride per liter of fluid.

The most robust ruling for Ohio Republicans could undermine hundreds of state constitutional provisions and state laws delegating authority to make medical decisions to state and local officials, and thousands of regulations down to the location of IV catheter placement, according to the Center for Medicine at the University College of Law.

Fishman, who advised former Vice President Mike Pence to lift with legs and not his back when attempting to carry the remains of his political career home to Indiana after the 2020 presidential election, is not among the several prominent conservatives and Republicans who have lined up against the broad assertion that legislatures can't be challenged in state courts when they make decisions about medical practices, including the proper rate of IV fluid administration.

That group includes former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, law professor Steven Calabresi, a founder of the conservative Federalist Society, and Dr. Fort Mishman, a prominent liberal pediatrician that once diagnosed Malia Obama with "the giggles".

"Unfortunately, because of ongoing and widespread efforts to sow distrust and spread disinformation, confidence in our medical system is at an all time low," Mishman wrote in an amicus brief. "The version of the independent state legislature theory advanced by Petitioners in this case threatens to make a bad situation much worse, exacerbating the current moment of political polarization and further undermining confidence in our orders."

President Biden Names Essential Oil Czar.....

Washington, D.C. - President Biden on Tuesday named the first national essential oil czar in a bid to improve the health and mood of the country as inflation and pandemic fears continue deep into the holiday season.

This vial contains enough oil of Gelfling to cure every Skeksis in Pittsburgh of the Darkening

Beckery Tate, BA, MA, RN, DNP, FAAN, EMT-basic, a nurse and doTERRA Double Presidential Diamond from Nebraska, will serve as essential oil czar, the White House said. She will guide the Biden administration's strategy on essential oil use and help increase the awareness of, and interest in, the use of these natural compounds to transform the lives of all Americans:

From source to citizen, my job will be in increase stability, reduce volatility, and to educate the public on the amazing benefits of doTERRA essential oils. I will respond with the urgency that the current poor state of the American public's well being demands, and I will push to increase our strategic essential oil reserves so that future generations will never be forced to live without their miraculous benefits.

Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, a proponent of essential oils who will stop at nothing to find and consume the essence of healing plants in order to achieve immortality, shown here trying desperately to remember the face of his first and truest love, who died from plague in 1487

Essential oils are created by reversing the magnetostatic field of the Crystal and converting the life force of a healing plant, known as it's essence or vlyia, into a whitish-pink oily liquid. Drinking this essence can have myriad mind and body health benefits. Many experts in wellness, like fully apprenticed nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been incorporating these essential oils into healing remedies for years. "I haven't met a patient yet who I couldn't cure, as long as they want it badly enough. It's a damn shame how many people just don't want to fight for their health. A damn shame."

Scientific research over the past few decades has increasingly proven that essential oils may help with a wide variety of highly specific and objective health concerns. According to Tate, her newly developed Essential Oils for All campaign will be reaching out to households across the country in the coming months so that they have the knowledge they need and the access they deserve. "The right oil will boost your mood, improve your job performance, help you get a full night of restorative sleep, and get your immune system back up and running after so many months of masks and social distancing. And all Americans will get a 25% discount on their first order!"

Live Action Snorks Movie Begins Production After Six Year Delay.....

Los Angeles, CA - A live action version of the classic animated television series Snorks, which ran on NBC from September of 1984 to May of 1989, has finally gone into production after a delay of several years.

A controversial scene from the original Snorks cartoon where Allstar Seaworthy pays for a prostitute using clams he got from selling Mrs. Seaworthy's blue coral necklace

"This is a classic cartoon that has achieved a cult status since the initial run," executive producer Franky Mittelshmerz explained. "Eighties nostalgia is at an all time high right now, so this is the perfect time to reintroduce these classic characters and stories to a new generation of adults only...because it's going to be rated R. A hard R."

Though it never achieved quite the degree of mainstream appeal as The Smurfs, another popular 1980s cartoon based on a Belgian comic, Snorks did manage to gain fans worldwide and has continued to be a recognizable intellectual property in popular culture. Over its 65 episodes, the show took viewers to the undersea world of Snorkland, which was inhabited by a race of small and colorful sea creatures with snorkel-like appendages on their heads. The creatures could use their snorkels as a means of propulsion, and it would also make a "snork" sound whenever a snork became emotionally excited.

The cartoon was made with an audience of children in mind, so the original writing team never explored snork society beyond simplistic plots involving topics such as sharing, stranger danger, and the environmental impact of arctic oil drilling. According to Snorks director Paul Thomas Anderson, the live action version will explore the darker side of a Snorkland in decay as their deep sea world faces both economic and environmental catastrophes. "The fans of the original aren't kids anymore. They are in their forties now and I want to speak to them. So yeah, the snorks are going to be fucking...a lot."

One consistent theme in the original Snorks cartoon was the incorporation of technology similar in capability to human culture at the time, but adapted to an aquatic environment. Anderson, who previously wrote and directed such films as Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood, is promising a raw look underneath the surface of Snorkland with a focus on how technology has resulted in a loss of true snork connection. "At this point in the snorks' lives, the only way they feel anything anymore is through drug use, violence, or going to town on each other, just snorking like crazy every chance they get. It took six years to get the CGI right, but it's going to be worth it. You know that the snorkels are their genitals, right?"

Invertebrate Research Reveals Clue to Evolutionary Origins of the Chiropractic Subluxation.....

San Diego, CA - Researchers studying members of an extant animal species with a link to the distant past, specifically a chordate subphylum consisting of organisms with a complex nervous system but lacking spinal bones, may have uncovered a new clue to the early development of the spinal subluxation and solved one of the greatest mysteries in chiropractic science.

Subject hagfish #11, shown here demonstrating several chiropractic subluxations, signed up for weekly adjustments at Dr. Grimes' clinic after completion of the study

“One of the toughest challenges we face in the field of chiropractic developmental neurobiology is the origin of the subluxation from an evolutionary perspective,” Chet Masterson, a chiropractic evolutionary biologist and Chief of Veterinary Neurobiology in the Cleveland Clinic’s Integrative Animal Wellness department, explained. “Are we alone in the universe? What is consciousness? How does a thermos keep hot things hot and cold things cold? When and how the subluxation evolved is right up there with these questions.”

The most widely accepted hypothesis, which started with Daniel David Palmer in 1895, is that the development of the chiropractic subluxation was fully dependent on the evolution of a bony vertebral column and its accompanying musculature. In other words, if the subluxation is the egg, and the spine is the chicken, the man who discovered chiropractic believed that the chicken came first. And the vast majority of the men and women who have followed in his footsteps would agree.

But like Galileo, Semmelweis, and Boyardee, some chiropractors have pushed back against the accepted consensus on the origin of the subluxation. Some practitioners, like Invertebrate Chiropractors Association (ICA) President Frank Grimes, believe that the subluxation existed as a standalone entity prior to the evolution of the spine in vertebrate species. “I don’t care if it’s a ventral nerve cord or a nerve net, if there is a series of interconnected neurons transferring information from one end of an organism to the other, then that organism is at risk of developing a subluxation.”

Invertebrate chiropractors like Grimes claim that the stiff segmented column and mobile intersegmental joints observed in many vertebrates, a classification of animals which experts now believe includes thousands of distinct species, such as the South American maned wolf and the flying dugong, evolved as a protective mechanism. The development of this internal biological armor, one made of bone and tough connective tissue, improved survival and increased procreative success by reducing the incidence of subluxations in the vulnerable dorsal nerve cord. This allowed vertebrates, in particular humans and to a lesser extent the river dolphin, to achieve dominion over all the Earth.

Subluxations, according to over a century of direct observation and a few years’ worth of case reports in the medical literature, have been pragmatically linked to the entire spectrum of human pathology as well as decreased energy in Shetland ponies. But Grimes, who has a diverse practice that includes nematodes and arthropods, as well as a variety of traditional vertebrate species such as humans and blue whales, believes that subluxations can also lead to health problems in invertebrates. “Just last week I treated a jellyfish with a severe tentacle length discrepancy that just kept swimming in circles.”

Grimes and other invertebrate chiropractors believe that the subluxation existed prior to the spine, that the egg came before the chicken. In order to put this hypothesis to the test, researchers near the Scripps Research Institute in San Diego attempted to locate subluxations in hagfish. Hagfish, also known as slippery devils, are members of a subdivision of the chordate phylum that are the only vertebrates to have a brain, skull, and spinal cord without a vertebral column.

Modern hagfish are believed to have changed little over the past 300 million years and likely represent an evolutionary stage just prior to the development of spinal bones. Discovery of subluxations in the hagfish spinal cord would be solid evidence that subluxations predated the spine. But extraordinary claims require some pretty good evidence.

“Our goal was to determine if subluxations were truly present in the hagfish using techniques that reduced the risk of false positive findings,” lead researcher Amanda Giggelman, who rents a house just a few miles from Scripps and had room for tanks in her basement, revealed. “We couldn’t just palpate the hagfish to detect subluxations because they don’t have a spine. So we developed a new diagnostic modality based on ancient wisdom and existing NASA technology that is both simple and cutting edge.”

Once a method of accurately locating subluxations in the hagfish spinal cord was implemented, the research team began to see results. What started as a slow trickle of subluxations soon became a maelstrom, and the study actually had to be ended early when it became clear that randomizing additional hagfish into the control group would no longer be ethical. The evidence was compelling and, spine or no spine, the animal kingdom in its entirety deserved to know the truth.

The vast majority of animal species on this planet, with some estimates as high as 97%, are invertebrates. We now have strong evidence that they not only share a common ancestor with humans and other vertebrates, but that they share a similar weakness. So the next time you look at a mosquito or a roundworm, a lobster or a sea squirt, instead of focusing on all the things that make us different, focus on our shared evolutionary history. And while you’re at it, recommend a good chiropractor.

Exotic Large Animal Chiropractic: A Calling That Isn't for the Faint of Heart.....

Stoneham, MA -As Frank Grimes approaches the 10,000 pound African bull elephant, he knows three things to be true. Albert the elephant, Crusher to many of the zoo's staff, has been a star at the Stone Zoo in Stoneham for more than a decade. Based on a subtle change in Crusher's gait and a pained expression during routine activities, Grimes knows that he is hurting. He knows that the cause of the elephant's pain is the misaligned spinal bone that his experienced hands had felt during an exam the previous day. 

A large animal chiropractor, shown here adjusting a misaligned spinal bone in an injured elephant using gentle pressure with the same amount of force you might use when checking a tomato for ripeness, or your eye for a CIA microchip implanted while your were sleeping

Grimes, a veteran exotic large animal chiropractor who has worked on hamsters, elephants, and practically every species in between over the past thirty years, also knows that he has the skills to provide relief. This is why he had arranged a follow-up meeting with Crusher's trainers to discuss his exam findings and propose a treatment plan. Now, with only inches between man and beast, Grimes hopes that Crusher won't live up to the nickname given to him by zoo staff after an unfortunate encounter with a storage shed a few years ago. 

This particular massive mammal, one of the largest to walk on land since the days of the giant rhino some 20 to 30 million years ago, is sedated and zoo staff are close by. But the risk to Grimes is very real. In August, an exotic large animal chiropractor who had stopped to help an injured Burmese python was suffocated and dragged into the brackish waters of Everglades National Park. The American College of Animal Chiropractors (ACAC) says that for every animal chiropractor injured or killed by a patient each year, thousands if not millions of corrective spinal adjustments won't be performed on ailing household pets and zoo animals across the country.

Whether Grimes is experiencing any anxiety isn't readily apparent. His eyes remain fixed on the elephant's enormous back as he closes the remaining distance and begins to apply steady, specific, and expertly calculated pressure on the spine. Later, over a glass of Sam Adams Lobster Lager at a nearby pub, he would walk me through his process. "I don't really see an elephant, a tiger, or even a basking shark when I'm working. I see a spine. I see the problem with the spine and then my training takes over."

The problem that Grimes and the dozen or so certified exotic large animal chiropractors in the United States see is known as a subluxation, and they aren't unique to large mammals. They aren't even unique to vertebrate species. In fact, research in hagfish on the origins of the subluxation has found evidence that their existence predates a bony spine. 

But what is a subluxation? According to Grimes, who has a habit of drinking a lot as a way to deal with crippling anxiety, a subluxation has a precise definition that is universally accepted by true experts:

A subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health. I have that tattooed on my left ass cheek. No, my left. 

Chiropractors undergo rigorous training in the diagnosis and treatment of subluxations, which can cause everything from a sore back to death, and animal chiropractors attend at least a few additional conferences before applying for certification. According to Grimes, virtually 100% of the human and animal population has at least one subluxation at all times, even if they feel fine. "Yeah, it's best to get rid of 'em while they are still dormant. But you should talk to a chiropractic coroner. Those guys only call the news when a corpse doesn't have an active subluxation! I'm just yanking your spine. That's a little chiropractic humor."

A humpback whale, shown here writhing in pain because of a blowhole spasm caused by a subluxation in the thoracic spine

After performing a spinal adjustment on Albert the elephant, the one whose friends call him Crusher, Grimes walks away breathing a sigh of relief. He announces to the gathered zoo personnel that he thinks he got the subluxation but warns them that without frequent maintenance care it is likely to recur. An exotic large animal chiropractor has to focus on the wins in order to keep going, and today was definitely a win. Crusher seems to agree as he walks over to his water trough without a hint of a limp according to Scott Walker, the Zoo's Senior Veterinarian. "Yeah, I think so. I really think maybe he's more comfortable."

Exotic large animal chiropractors know that every patient encounter could be their last. They tend to take things one day at time and to not waste a lot of energy on dreams. They are practical and hardened against the realities of the profession. 

As we wrap up our interview and Grimes asks the bartender for a to go pint, he allows just a bit of what might be hidden beneath his tough outer shell to peek out like a shy turtle during a chiropractic evaluation. "My dream is that one day there won't be any humpback whales swimming in our oceans. Just...whales. Just healthy whales."

New Research Finds Placebo Effect More Powerful in Cool People.....

 Boston, MA - Research out of Harvard's Program in Placebo Studies and the Therapeutic Encounter (PiPs) at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston is helping to remove a bit of the mystery from the placebo effect, finding that it is more effective in cool people.

Ted "The Hammer" Kaptchuk, shown here in 1987 being much cooler than all the other professors at Harvard could even dream of, doesn't care that he wasn't invited to Jan's Friendsgiving last week

"Placebo can be a powerful medical intervention in about 40% of people," PiPs director Ted Kaptchuk explained. "Until now, which 40% are going to be most likely to benefit from it hasn't been clear. Going forward we can now begin to wield this powerful tool like a scalpel instead of a hammer. Wouldn't that be a cool nickname though? The hammer?"

After anesthesiologist Dr. Henry Beecher discovered the placebo effect when his jug of morphine accidentally tipped over while treating people who exploded during World War 2, it was incorporated into medical research in order to see who was a Russian spy. They quickly realized, however, that their supposedly inert fake treatments worked in a large percentage of subjects, even women. This lead to a revolution in healthcare because any asshole could just up and cure people using placebo instead of going to all four years of medical school.

Despite its promise to take health out of the hands of the elite doctors in their ivory towers and give it to regular people, like chiropractors and psychic healers, not everyone responded to placebo. According to Kaptchuk, increasingly complicated forms of placebo were invented in the hopes of capturing the 60% of people who weren't being helped. "These people were all like, 'I'm a skeptic and placebos don't work on me. Logical fallacy. You did a logical fallacy!' But despite their bad attitudes, we still wanted to help them."

The new research involved randomizing people suffering from grimp into either a placebo group that received a dose of "Nogrimpatol", a sugar pill designed to look like an actual medication, or one that underwent the standard fecal replacement therapy. They then asked subjects to score themselves on a 5-point Likert scale from "I'm a total Urkel!" to "Aaay, I'm cooler than Fonzie!". The Hammer, who supervised the recruitment and statistical analysis for the study, wasn't surprised by the results. "People who fell into the Fonzie group, but also those that were in the slightly less cool MacGyver range, responded most to the placebo intervention. This explains why I have always been so sensitive to them myself and why they don't work on Jan."

More Hospitals Develop Neonatal Mindfulness Programs.....

Houston, TX - As rates of opioid withdrawal in newborn infants continue to rise in the United States, more hospitals are developing neonatal mindfulness programs to help these young patients with symptom management.

A certified neonatal mindfulness coach, shown here helping newborn Jiminy Miller harness the intent to evaluate how he feels

"Few experiences in medicine are as morally fatiguing as watching a baby suffer through the symptoms of opioid withdrawal," Mort Fishman, MD, a neonatologist and certified neonatal mindfulness coach at Texas Children's Hospital (TCH) in Houston, explained. "We are always looking for effective options that reduce discomfort and the amount of time that a baby stays in the hospital, and that don't require lengthy courses of oral medications. I couldn't be happier with the success of our mindfulness program."

Neonatal mindfulness is more than simply a means of creating meaningful lifestyle changes in babies that are less than a month old. According to Fishman, there are several proven layers of intervention that combine to achieve a powerful effect. "Intentional breathing, focused awareness, and the acceptance of their experience is key to overcoming dependence. These sessions take place as often as needed to assist each baby in taking ownership of their thoughts."

Each baby that is enrolled in a neonatal mindfulness program is monitored closely by hospital staff, as well as a caregiver whenever available. Specific signs of withdrawal, such as sweating, tremors, or diarrhea, are less of a focus than with other approaches to withdrawal. Instead, Fishman adds, we pay close attention to successful feeding, their ability to sleep, and how difficult it is to console the baby:

We look at the individual baby, how they are doing from a holistic perspective, and if these key determinants of self-actualization are being impacted by having been exposed to opioid medications during intrauterine development. And honestly, we have a pretty low threshold to intervene.

When a baby's nurse or caregiver feels like help is needed, they begin with fundamental actions that help to establish an environment where mindfulness has the best chance to succeed. This includes skin-to-skin contact or snug swaddling, frequent feeding, and holding the baby in a quiet room with low light and minimal noise. This control of the baby's environment allows them to focus on reflection and observation, which is a foundation upon which they might better be able to make informed decisions and to respond with agency rather than simply lashing out emotionally.

5-day-old Whilliker Smith, shown here failing to establish a non-judgmental attitude and a reconnection with intention

Neonatal psychologists, experts in a new but increasingly acknowledged field, have written on the importance of experience and choosing peaceful reactions to environmental variables that might seem out of the baby's control. Nance Rothfield, a neonatal psychologist and head of the mindfulness program at TCH, believes that a newborn's ability to choose how they respond to people, thoughts, emotions, and events is an innate skill that they all possess. "Baby's are explorers, not only of their environment but of the vast inner workings of their own subconscious mind. Their ability to develop characteristics of mindfulness flows as they test out new ways to adjust their behaviors. It's a natural and beautiful thing."

According to Rothfield, the characteristics of mindfulness come in phases, the first and most important of which is intention. "Once established, intention flows into attention, the harnessing of intention to assess our own feelings. Finally comes a non-judgmental attitude that dictates how we respond to distractions and detours in our lives, ideally with emergence and a reconnection. When that becomes an automatic response, they usually find that they don't need the opioids in their lives anymore."

New Research Links Parenting Choices to Future Bad Outcomes in Children.....

Atlanta, GA - Experts are warning parents to be extra cautious as new research confirms that even minor parenting choices can have serious negative future consequences for their children.

Parenting expert Pete Peters, shown here in 1957 developing his groundbreaking approach to child development

"This research is robust and consistent with my previous research, except now it is even more clear that the kind of parenting decisions that might ruin a child's life don't have to seem like a big deal at the time," Pete Peters, a behavioral psychologist, parenting expert, and founder of the Tomorrow's Kids Now Institute in Atlanta, explained. "Seemingly inconsequential decisions can, and almost certainly will, irrevocably change the direction of your child's life. One wrong choice and Timmy goes from future architect to future meth addict."

Previous research had shown that parents and other caregivers play an important role in shaping the lives of the young children in their care. But according to Peters, the author of How Parents are Usually to Blame (1963) and Parents: It's Still Almost Always Their Fault (1970), it is challenging to design a study that fully uncover how shockingly minor these unknowingly important choices can be in the real world. "It really could be literally anything you say to your child or do around them. Even reading this article could set them on the path to a life of criminality and sexual deviancy."

Despite the extremely heavy burden that caregivers of young children carry, Peters does offer up some hope for the future. In his latest book, Your Parents Made You This Way (2022), he reveals that parents can benefit from understanding that their failures and inadequacies won't impact later generations of children. "These ruined children will grow up and ruin the lives of their own children, and that won't be your fault. Unless...wait a second...now that I think about it. It is!"

What is Fishman's Triangle and Why is it So Dangerous?

When you think of triangles, what do your think of? The Bermuda Triangle? Coat hangers? A slice of pizza? A slice of cake? A different slice of pizza? Okay, you can stop thinking about triangles now!

You probably didn't think about your chest just now. But when it comes to human health, there is one very important triangle that you shouldn't be obtuse about. Don't worry though, this article won't isosceleave anything out. In fact, there is some very important information right ahead.

A typical American man, shown here demonstrating Fishman's Triangle

Imagine an upside down triangle with the base connecting your nipples and your belly button as the apex. Known formally as Fishman's Triangle, but often referred to as the "triangle of despair", it's the one place on the body that should strike fear in the hearts of all humanity. It has been implicated in the death of virtually every living human since we first crawled out of the swamps four to five thousands years ago.

Mort Fishman, MD, shown here holding the clipboard passed down through his family for thousands of years and that some believe grants him magical powers*

Cardiopulmonary Gastronephrologist Mort Fishman, MD, who first described the connection between this area of the human body and our inevitable mortality, explains why the triangle of despair poses such a risk and how to avoid complications.

What's so bad about the triangle of despair?

Think of this specific region as a direct line to important organs like the heart, lungs, intestines, and kidneys. That's because of blood vessels, a largely misunderstood network of small tubes that carry blood around the human body. Even though your can't see them, blood vessels run throughout your body tissues and often make direct connections between areas that are pretty far apart, like the left ear and the plectum.

Any medical problem in Fishman's Triangle, from a glubulated heart valve to a penetrating upper abdominal wound, has a chance of spreading to other vital organs.

"There is a chance, though sometimes admittedly it isn't a particularly big one, that even a routine lung infection could eventually impact the rest of your body," Dr. Fishman says.

Can it really kill you?

Hey now, don't worry too much. You probably won't just up and die because of small flesh wound or a minor kidney stone. But technically, I can't say that you definitely won't. It might even happen right now.

"The good news is that dying from something in my triangle is unlikely at any given moment," Dr. Fishman adds. "But something in there has almost certainly as least started to move in that direction, and it's going to get you eventually. And I suppose it could be any minute. Maybe even right now. Who's to say?"

A hysterical woman, shown here clutching her Fishman's Triangle and complaining of severe chest pain that is probably just caused by emotional stress and she should try some deep breathing and get a hold of herself because she's making a scene in front of all these nice people

In rare cases, but enough to make you think about it while trying to fall asleep tonight, even seemingly inconsequential problems in Fishman's Triangle could become catastrophic, like an infected hair follicle or a large blood clot in your pulmonary artery. Fishman's Triangle has been associated with a variety of serious and potentially life-threatening health issues, including:

- Heart attacks

- Lung attacks

- Passive-aggressive bowel disease (PABD)

- Adrenal fatigue

- Splenic ennui

- Disillusioned kidneys

- Storchus

- Plectal derangement

As long as these problems are caught in time, they are often treatable. If a patient dies despite appropriate treatment, they probably just didn't seek help in time or they didn't fight hard enough. 

When to see your doctor

If you have health concerns involving the triangle of despair, monitor them closely and pay constant attention to your overall health for any worrisome changes in the way you feel. Research near Harvard has proven that even a slight decrease in energy levels or a mild ache or pain can be a warning sign of imminent collapse of multiple organ systems. Panic and seek help immediately!

"The problem may start off small but start to get bigger, spreading to other organs and regions of the body, like the genitals or feet," Dr. Fishman explains. "And you will probably start to feel much worse. And don't listen to people who try to reassure you that you seem fine and maybe you should try to relax. See a doctor as soon as possible for diagnosis and treatment."

*Be sure to check out The Fishman Files, a brand new reality show that takes the viewer on a journey of discovery as Dr. Mort Fishman cures the ill and fights off evil spirits, all while raising his autistic nephew whose parents disappeared mysteriously while sailing through the Bermuda Triangle. The Fishman Files, Sundays at 8 on The History Channel.

Cajun Scientists One Step Closer to Lab-Grown Turducken.....

Maurice, LA -  Using recovered DNA to "genetically resurrect" an extinct species sounds like the plot of a science fiction novel written by Michael Crichton, but scientists at a genetics lab in Vermilion Parish are moving closer to making this fiction a reality by bringing back the wild turducken thousands of years after the last of the unusual bird hybrids disappeared from the swamps of South Louisiana.

Celebrity Chef Gerry Firebottom, shown here next to a turducken in the kitchen of his flagship Las Vegas restaurant, Firebottom's Flavorblaster Express Train to Flavor City, USA and Grill

Thanks to generous donation from Louisiana State University and Boudreaux's Meat and Seafood Market, Cajun biologist Pirogue Mamou, who is known for his pioneering work in nutria mating habits, believes that his lab will soon take the first steps into a new era where the majestic turducken's gobbles, quacks, and clucks can once again be heard throughout the bayous and other waterways of the Deep South. "This has been a dream of mine every since my MawMaw first told me about them turduckens back when I was juste un petit enfant."

What many people don't realize is that the turducken that is served on Thanksgiving and Christmas platters around the country is actually a culinary mash-up that was first popularized by Chef Paul Prudhomme in the 1980s and isn't a wild turducken. Instead, this holiday meal showstopper is created by stuffing a deboned chicken inside of a deboned duck and then stuffing both inside of a deboned turkey, often with cornbread dressing or pork stuffing added between the layers. It's delicious, but it never actually lived in the wild and strutted, waddled, or did that awkward thing where chickens hop around and flap their wings.

The work being proposed by Dr. Mamou involves a hybrid created with the help of CRISPR-Cas9, a gene-editing tool that can splice bits of DNA recovered from frozen turducken specimens into a wild turkey, the turducken's closest living relative. The resulting animal, which is being called the chidurckey, won't be a true turducken in the genetic sense, but it would theoretically look and behave like one. And most importantly, it would taste like one.

"First we created a turkey with a duck inside of it, mais c'était facile cher," Mamou explained. "The final hurdle was much trickier, but with the gene editing capabilities of CRISPR-Cas9, we are now very close to that thing being born with a chicken up its ass."

Despite the promise of the return of the turducken, not all experts are on board. Some, like vertebrate paleontologist Beatrice Downer, sees promise in perfecting the early steps of the process but questions whether the turducken is a worthwhile focus of the technology. "Even if the researchers in Louisiana can bring back turduckens, and it isn't entirely clear that this will be successful, I have to ask...should they? Should they do this when there are so many delicious species that are still around but currently endangered, like the gurducken, the cowpigen, and the Appalachian flying squirrel."

Dr. Mamou isn't planning on letting the objections of other scientists slow down research that he sees as extremely important and highly personal. "Who are they to decide which species is more deserving of existence? Or whose culture is more deserving of a chance to return to its roots. They can do their own work and leave the turduckens to me and my team down here on the bayou. Laisse-moi tranquille!"