Durham, NC-In response to the growing complexity of scientific research, and the increasing difficulty unraveling the mysteries of the universe, researchers at Duke University announced during an emergency press conference today that scientists are in desperate need of new forms of evidence and new ways of obtaining them.
"Science just isn't working anymore," Dr. Jam Balhoff explained during the conference. "To be honest, since the 1950's it has been pretty stagnant. Sure we've filled in a few gaps but there haven't been any revolutionary discoveries. So please consider this a challenge to scientists and researchers around the world. We need novel investigative techniques if we are going to continue our march of progress towards our ultimate goal of mastering the natural world."
Coming to the aid of the scientific method, which in the past brought us such discoveries as DNA, relativity, and the germ theory of disease, are a host of experts in fields once considered outside the realm of science. Chiropractors, paranormal researchers, and psychics, as well as researchers like Michael Behe and Gary Schwartz, are joining together to present a cohesive and all-inclusive plan for fixing the broken current system.
At the forefront of this effort, popular author and consumer advocate Kevin Trudeau has already published a new book titled The New Science "They" Want to Know About. Trudeau writes that "The first thing that needs to be done, if this is going to work, is for investigators to do away with some of the cumbersome and time consuming methods of the past. I can learn more about nature, especially in the area of healthcare, in the personal experiences of one person than in a thousand double-blind, placebo-controlled studies."
"Imagine the limitless possibilities inherent in studying the world free of the shackles of both methodological and metaphysical naturalism," Behe revealed. "The answers are out there if you know how to look for them, and if you are willing to accept Christ Jesus into you heart."
The area of study most likely to reap immediate benefits from this changing of the guard is in medicine, where for nearly a century those suffering from illness must undergo treatments that, according to prominent homeopathic scientists, are merely treating symptoms instead of the root cause. Dr. William Black, a noted homeopathic researcher, is excited about this opportunity. "With plausibility and adherence to basic laws of physics no longer an issue, homeopathy stands to make a substantial impact, and to serve as a model for future healthcare paradigms."
Already the large number of seemingly incongrous alternative approaches to medical care are finding common ground. Chiropractors, professionals in a field well known for its difficulties in establishing a cohesive definition of itself, are putting past differences aside. "Yesterday I would have laughed at a fellow chiropractor who didn't accept that the healing power of the universe, which flows from God into your spine and ultimately your organs, was blocked by spinal subluxations pinching the exiting nerves leading to the entirety of human ailments," Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explained. But today it seems irrelevant because now all forms of insurance will cover what we do."