Monday, January 14, 2008

New Orleans Nearing Pre-Katrina Douchebag Numbers.....

NEW ORLEANS, LA-As the city of New Orleans continues to rebuild, and people slowly make their way back to "The Big Easy", the number of douchebags has increased steadily with some experts predicting that the upcoming Mardi Gras related surge will bring the city to nearly 80% of pre-Katrina levels.

Mayor Ray Nagin, himself a quite impressive douchebag, believes that this surge in the total number of douchebags living in New Orleans will put it on par with cities like Tampa, FL and Boulder, CO. "Everybody knows that douchebags are vital to our economy, and more douchebags coming into the city is only further evidence of our sustained viability."

"Historically, the douchebag has served as a marker of cultural and economic advancement," douchebag historian Niles Vandervoort explained. "Often the linchpin of modern metropolitan areas, douchebags are a highly valuable commodity and many cities are developing strategies to encourage douchebags to settle in their communities such as offering free Zima and barbed wire armband tattoos."

The recovery process has been long and difficult for the city, and many citizens have all but given up on New Orleans ever returning to its former glory, but Nagin has said he thinks 2008 will be a turning point. "I don't care what people are saying wherever they are. This city will be douchebag at the end of the day," Nagin revealed. "This city will be a majority douchebag city. It's the way God wants it to be."


Sarabeth said...

That's low, Zoo. That's low. I'm proud, well is that the right word?, to call it home.

Zoo Knudsen said...

I'm glad you are enjoying life in the "City that Care Forgot". The time I spent as a cub reporter for the Picayunne were memorable for their utter misery. The only thing I can claim that I gained from my four years in training in that wretched sinkhole filler were a solid education and a wife.

The Laundress said...

Okay Zoo,
you have lost me entirely.

"Douchebags" is not some sort of New Orleans slang for vaginal irrigation units? Nah, maybe you are referring to native New Orleans residents, the ones that refuse to be flushed out by Katrina or other natural disasters? um, maybe just refuse to leave at all,even when naturally rejected and unwanted... like a chlamidiya infection?

I am thinking that maybe New Orleans should not be physically rebuilt, due to the basic instability of the location and the fact that global warming will undoubtably raise sea level by many feet above even those points way above the levies? Perhaps the essence of New Orleans should just be relocated to someplace dryer and safer such as Nacogdoches?

Your well meaning anonymous friend,

New Orleans News Ladder said...

Zoo, it take a douchebag to know a doochbag, eh?
I think I hear ya'mama calling.
Perhaps next post you can blame her for the content of your character, your failure as a journalist and a husband.

Zoo Knudsen said...


To learn more about douchebags, I'd pick up Vandervoort's book on their history.

I also question the wisdom of rebuilding the city, which didn't have much to offer before the hurricane and now it has less. People are too hung up on the idea of New Orleans but unfortunately the emperor is naked.


Thank you for so clearly illustrating how a douchebag might respond to a post like this.

doctorj2u said...

This post says more about the author's character than any person in the city of New Orleans.

Zoo Knudsen said...

You are of course more than welcome to get your news from one of the biased mainstream media outlets, who are afraid to bring the news that really matters to the people.

Michael said...

Why not do us a favor and die, Knudsen--you're 80 years old, and far past any useful contribution. Sorry.

Seriously. I mean that. And I'm even someone who appreciates history. But you no longer have any contribution to make. You're a waste of food and oxygen. You contribute NOTHING. Die. Go away. Rot in the ground.

At least then you'll won't be a goddamned burden.

Monique DeLaChalatialait A La Bonbon said...

Anyone reading this post, clearly written as parody of typical news items in the mainstream media and under a pseudonym, with even a modicum of intelligence would realize that it is anti-douchebag not anti-New Orleans. There is nothing even remotely disparaging about the city itself. So unless you are a douchebag, or a fan of Nagin, what are you griping about folks. Did Katrina wash away your sense of humor?

R. Eustis said...

Hey Zoo?

"Picayune" has one N. Really.

In four years here as a "cub reporter" you never learned to spell your employer's name?

Or maybe whoever trained you didn't care so much about getting things right?



Unimportant said...

I was wondering if there is anything else that people aren't allowed to dislike based on their personal experience. For instance, I don't like NBA basketball. Can I say that I don't like NBA basketball? Is that allowed? To have my own personal opinions I mean.

If it is, then I can't stand New Orleans. I lived there for four pre-Katrina years and found it to be dirty, unsafe, corrupt, poorly maintained, hot, humid, dirty, unsafe, etc, etc. There are lots of places in the world with unique culture and architecture and where there are places to party. Why is New Orleans so special to you that you would deny the free speech of others.

The Laundress said...


what just happened here?

Zoo are you making up comments again because these are damned interesting. You should report (on) them.

The Preemie Experiment said...

Hmmm, very interesting insight to the blog world Zoo...

When you report on topics of great interest... no comments.

Mention the word "douchebag" and the world comes knocking at your door.

I wonder what word you could use to insight a riot?

doctorj2u said...

Meet one of your "douchebags". I know this man. He lost a home and 2 businesses in the federal flood. He has rebuilt them all.

Zoo Knudsen said...

Did you even read the post? It appears that you either did not, or that you misunderstood it significantly. It really isn't all that difficult either. Try again and maybe you will see how off base you are.

doctorj2u said...

I read it. Excuse me if I find NOTHING funny or clever in Katrina. I have seen and lived too much to find it so. It is like me being clever about your mother's rotting body at her funeral. Think about it.

Zoo Knudsen said...

Well you are certainly free to continue wallowing and never return here.

Anonymous said...

Interesting Indeed