Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Scientists Discover Link Between Poor Memory and Low Test Scores.....

County Durham, England-In an emergency press conference held today at a local Beef O'Bradys Pub and Haberdashery, researchers from Durham university announced the discovery of a link between below average memory and educational difficulty.

"Students rely on memory for a variety of school-related tasks, such as remembering things they have heard or read," lead researcher Heathcliff Barclay explained. "Intuitively we've always figured that memory played a role in academic success, but it's taken until now to prove it."

In order to test their theory, the team of scientists developed a cutting edge technique of mimicking the poor memory found naturally in some children, which is believed to be genetic in origin. Using functional MRI, neurosurgeons were able to remove varying amounts of the parts of the brain associated with memory from over 3,ooo children purchased from local families with grant money provided by Globodyne Industries. A direct correlation between the degree of brain reduction and difficulty remembering items from a list was revealed, and shown to be statistically significant.

"We hope that this study will lead to increased awareness and improved recognition of children with poor memory so that they can be properly contained and isolated from society," Barclay revealed. "Only then can these young boys and girls be properly prepared for their role as human cattle in Globodyne's apocalyptic vision of the future."


Reformed Globodyne Cult Member said...

Dearest Mr. Knudsen,

Please be ever so careful. You are treading on dangerous ground. This is the 2nd informational piece you've written about Globodyne.

I'll be praying for your safety.

Zoo Knudsen said...

Globodyne knows better than to come after an old badger like me. I've got so much dirt on those bastards they'd come down like a house of poorly positioned cards in some kind of house of cards.