Orlando, FL-The preliminary results of a 10-year investigation by Walt Disney World Resort epidemiologists into mounting public concerns of an apparent rise in a rare form of lung cancer amongst Disney resort patrons appear to finally shed some light on the troubling phenomenon.
"The early data is concerning," lead researcher Bryan Mintz explains. "Initial animal data shows a pretty solid link between pixie dust and a highly malignant and rapidly fatal form of lung cancer. This particular cancer, dubbed imaginothelioma, seemed to appear out of nowhere in 1955, when the first case showed up in Anaheim. If this bears out, we will have a real crisis on our hands because that stuff is everywhere around here."
Walt Disney Company executives are taking the situation seriously, but are cautioning against panic. Disney icon Mickey Mouse, in a press conference held today on the third floor of the Haunted Mansion, announced that "everything that can be done to better understand this alleged link is being done. In the meantime, all the patients are enjoying the magic and wonder of Disney at our Disney Princess Cancer Hospital for Customers."
Patient care, which runs daily from 9am until 7pm except for Saturdays when evening Extra Therapy Hours are in effect until 11pm, is covered by the Deluxe Treatment Plan with each round of chemotherapy or radiation counting as 1 bedside service. Because of popularity of the hospital, wait times for patients taking part have run as high as 90 minutes at hospital attractions such as Goofy's Phlebotomy Playhouse and the Lilo and Stitch Chemotherapy Hut. Always striving to pack as much entertainment as possible into every encounter, Disney is planning a reservation only fireworks extravaganza to be held on tuesdays and thursdays in the hospital courtyard for a minimal fee.