Scientists Raise Concern Over Advances in Shaving Technology.....

Cincinnati, OH-Over the past few thousand years, mankind has developed depilatory technology that has advanced far beyond the use of simple shells and crude copper instruments, and allowed humanity to creep closer and closer to the evolutionary pinnacle of manly facial aesthetics. Recent discoveries, such as the Nobel prize winning development of an enhanced Lubrastrip infused with vitamin E and aloe, and the incorporation of a 5th blade into the Gillette Fusion shaving system, have truly taken shaving into the 21st century.

Today, thanks to the wonders of methodological naturalism, we live in a world where the raw and bloody face associated with using razors with only one or two blades is a long forgotten memory. In fact, pioneering companies like Gillette, who have continually pushed the envelope beyond what would seem decent and ethical, in essence playing God with our very faces, have achieved the impossible not only in harnassing the mighty power of 5 blades but also battery powered microchip guided micropulses. Thus, a man might live his entire life never needing endure the horrors of razor burn or embarassing afternoon stubble. But some researchers, concerned about the potential global impact of even more advanced shaving devices in the pipeline, are beginning to question this seemingly wreckless drive for closer and closer shaves.

"It isn't right and somebody needs to put a stop to it," nuclear safety officer Walter Wagner explains. "Right now the only thing standing between the consumer and total facial annihilation is my tireless effort in the courts."

What Wagner is referring to is the latest advancement in shaving technology, only recently revealed by Proctor and Gamble, owners of the Gillette name. According to company spokesperson Lance Pearsall, "We considered a sixth blade. We considered a softer grip. These things would have certainly revolutionized shaving but they pale in comparison to the Gillette Cosmos. It's really gonna knock your socks off."

Due to hit store shelves next month, the Gillette Cosmos makes use of the latest advances in particle physics in their patented Quantaglide technology, which actually coats each of the razors 5 blades with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. When exposed to this technology, even the toughest beards are gently lifted away from the face allowing the hairs to come into contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction then ensues, utterly destroying the hair.

Not satisfied with reassurances from Gillette, Wagner is asking for the courts to intervene. "We are requesting a few months to investigate and to better understand the risk involved," he reveals. "Black holes and strangelets that close to the face may have some pretty nasty consequences. The attractive and destructive powers of these forces of nature may at best only bring about the end of goatees, soul patches and fu manchus, and at worst leave a trail of bloody headless corpses in their wake!"