Monday, December 30, 2013

Brarbara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2014.....

Psychic Predictions for the year 2014
By Brabara Bloodstone

World famous psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone
Every December people ask me, "Brabara, what's going to happen next year?" They know that because of my spiritual connections with ghosts, ancient Atlantean sorcerers, a robot from the 25th century and the vibrational fabric of reality, I am in tune with events yet to pass. Like in December of 2012 when I predicted that a bomb would go off in a major city somewhere in the world this year and that there would be heavy wind in some parts of the United States.

I'm tired of being bothered by people asking if they'll find a husband or get a job. I don't waste my amazing psychic abilities on such trivial matters. I focus on world changing events like natural disasters, assassinations, and major scientific breakthroughs. Like when I predicted the discovery of some kind of energy in space and the death of a celebrity.

I've spent the past week entirely focused on my predictions for 2014. Like trying to find a radio station while driving in the middle of nowhere, at times my vision of the future is clear and sometimes it's full of static. I don't promise 100% accuracy. My spirit guide may be from Andromeda VIII, but I am a simple human from the planet Earth. Here are my top twenty predictions:

1. Water is big in 2014. It's everywhere. I see large bodies of water all the way down to small puddles. Some people will be happy about it, and some people will be very upset. Thanks to a scientific breakthrough in Russia, water will become one of the most important substances on Earth and not just a mealtime beverage.
Water in a concrete lined hole in the ground

2. I see that at some point in 2014, probably during the middle or end of the year, but perhaps during the months of January through April, a previously unknown species of animal will be discovered. This animal will be unlike any animal every discovered in that it will have feelings and be as intelligent as humans.

3. Weather will be erratic, with long periods of the year being warm in many areas but then followed by lower temperatures. Some areas will have more consistent temperatures.

4. Florida will experience a massive earthquake, with half of the state slipping into the Gulf of Mexico and Atlantic ocean. Disney World will be relocated to low Earth orbit.
A Florida beach just prior to the cataclysmic event!

5. I am worried about guns. They may be involved in a number of shootings.

6. Police should watch trucks coming into major cities. They may contain spoiled fruit.
An old banana like this may be entering your town next year!

7. Taxes will be collected by the government, these taxes will be spent on a variety of things including infrastructure and healthcare. Some people will gripe about them while others will accept them as inevitable. Aliens.
Should aliens pay taxes?

8. A cure will be found for headaches, but it will cause back pain. People will agonize over the choice with some choosing the sweet release of death.

9. What is the deal with these e-cigarettes?
I just don't understand these things! 

10. Human stem cells will be implicated in a number of diseases. Congress will put legislation in place to ban stem cells and most of the human population will die trying to remove theirs.

11. Obesity.

12. Obama will announce that he will not run for re-election in 2016.

13. A fourth branch of government will be put in place late in the year. It will consist of randomly chosen citizens.

14. Gay marriage will be legalized in another ten states, with 2 of these making it mandatory.

15. People will return to the Catholic church because of its softer stance on homosexuality, birth control and abortion. Bigfoot.
On his way to a compulsory gay wedding?

16. More people will have their pets spayed or neutered when an over-the-counter kit is released in mid-June.

17.  Global warming.

18. Biblical scholars will reveal exciting new information regarding God's last name. It's Jenkins.

19. In April, the iPad Neuro, which hooks directly into the owner's neuroendocrine system, will hit store shelves. Designed to fully integrate itself into the host, rendering clumsy scroll wheels and distracting free will obsolete, the Neuro will eventually come to control the function of other organs. By November, over half of the American population will be "plugged in" to Apple's Neurointegration Network, known as iLife, where they will receive daily instructions and be able to purchase food, water, and more time.

20. Celebrity deaths.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Spontaneous Human Combustion Now a Chronic Condition?.....

Stockholm, Sweden- Researchers at the prestigious Swedish Institute of Modern Hyperdilutional Therapeutics have announced a breakthrough in the diagnosis and management of spontaneous human combustion (SHC), a condition long considered to be undetectable and incurable.

"SHC patients typically are only identified after a pile of greasy ash and singed hands and feet are discovered by a landlord or family member," lead researcher Scorch Magnusson explained. "But with our recent advances in screening for SHC, and prophylactic hyperdilutional therapy, people don't need to live in fear of erupting into flames anymore."

Until now the possibility of developing spontaneous human combustion, a condition which many experts believe originated in Africa when spontaneous simian combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans while training chimpanzees to participate in early NASA suborbital flight missions, has deserved its terrifying reputation. Unlucky sufferers are often simply unwinding with a bottle of liquor and a cigarette after a long day. Adding to the mystery and suspense is the fact that there has never been a witnessed case, which has helped lead to a variety of unproven etiological hypotheses such as ball lightning or a new subatomic particle.

After more than a year of intensive research and testing, Magnusson and his colleagues developed a screening test for SHC. According to Magnusson, the test consists of a panel of fifty questions and takes family history, environmental exposures, diet and a number of other factors into account. But identifying who is at risk is only half the battle.

The team also formulated a cocktail of plant and animal parts with the intent of preventing SHC events in high risk patients. Mangusson, who was unwilling to reveal any of the ingredients, wasn't shy about touting their success and pointing out the obvious implications. "We are taking people, usually the elderly or infirm, who at any moment, though usually when smoking alone while sedated from the use of drugs or alcohol, might have literally melted to death and we are giving them their lives back. And as long as they continue the preventive treatment, we expect them to live long enough to die of something much less cancer."

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Strange New Teen Diet Fad Sweeping the Nation.....

Atlanta, GA- The CDC has issued a report aimed at increasing awareness of a new diet fad, known as strafing, that is increasingly common among teenagers looking to lose weight.

"Strafing is an approach to dieting that minimizes caloric intake and, in the still developing mind of an adolescent, enhances the act of eating by incorporating an element of challenge and in some cases even risk," pediatric endocrinologist and nutrition expert Mort Fishman explained. "Participants in strafing stand anywhere from a few to several feet apart and attempt to throw food into each other's mouth. It's quite messy and very little food is actually consumed."

Some experts, like child psychologist Yerma Brownbeck, are more optimistic. They point to the fact that strafing requires interaction with peers in a world where most teens, although connected by a variety of social media outlets, have become more physically isolated than in any previous generation. "Strafing typically requires more than one person, so it may be a great means of encouraging healthy socialization and physical activity, but there have been reports of solo-strafing. So far these are sad and unsubstantiated." 

The American Academy of Pediatrics, a group dedicated to the health and well-being of children, has raised concerns about the risk of choking inherent in strafing. Seven deaths have already been attributed to the fad, although the official causes of death have not been released by authorities at this time. If accurate, and taking into account the surge in popularity after reports that Miley Cyrus was recently seen strafing in a London nightclub, the number of fatalities may be on the rise.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Daniel Tosh Invited to Join Next Chinese Space Mission.....

Beijing, China- In a surprising move by the Chinese National Space Administration, American comedian Daniel Tosh has been invited to take part in Project 921-2, specifically as part of a crew of taikonauts scheduled to dock with China's Tiangong-2 space laboratory sometime before 2015.

“This represents the next phase of our ongoing effort,” said Zhang Xiaoguang, lead shuttle flight director for the mission. “Our ultimate goal is to be able to realize the full capability of the Chinese space program, and establish a permanent and fully functional low orbit research facility."

Tosh, who is known for a controversial style of comedy that is often intentionally racist, sexist and homophobic, coincidentally graduated from Astronaut High School near Kennedy Space Center. In preparation, he will be undergoing several months of intensive training prior to the launch date, which has yet to be released. Taikonaut Wang Yaping, who has been assigned the task of preparing Tosh for the mission, is excited about the opportunity to work with the 38-year old star of Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. "My role as engineer will be to oversee the connection between our shuttle and the Tiangong-2 as well as ensuring that Mr. Tosh be placed into a capsule and launched directly into the Sun."

Friday, December 20, 2013

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences and assisting our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Grizzly Bears Bounce Back From Near Extinction, Find Jobs.....

Kalispell, MT-Despite being listed as near extinction for over three decades, and widely considered to be unemployable by a large percentage of Americans, the grizzly bear has may be mounting a surprising comeback according to the results of a $4.8 million, five-year study by the U.S. Geological Survey.

"Our preliminary estimate shows approximately 765 bears in northwestern Montana alone," explained lead researcher Katherine Kendall. "There have been some huge investments of time and money towards this recovery, and legislation that restricts hunting and development into grizzly habitats have helped immensely, but a large amount of the credit belongs to the work done to help integrate them into society."

5 years ago, ursine social worker Jonel Thaller took on the arduous task of finding jobs and accommodations for hundreds of grizzly bears in Kalispell, which is the closest city to Glacier National Park. Years of strained human-bear relations, and a reputation of having anger management difficulties, have made it exceedingly difficult for these majestic beasts to find employment, especially in densely populated areas. But last year, after fast food giant McDonald's became the first of several eateries to relax their restrictions on hiring bears, things finally began to look up. 

"It's been a long and difficult road to get where we are today," Thaller revealed. "But finally people are beginning to see that the grizzly bear, if properly medicated and in the presence of armed professionals at all times, can make a positive impact on the service industry. Interesting fact about these noble beasts is that the correct wording for more than one of them is grizzlies bear, not grizzly bears."

Thaller, who touches base with restaurant managers on a daily basis for updates on her clients, says that the bears have led to big improvements in food quality and customer satisfaction. "Complaints are down, wait times are noticeably shorter, and even former problem human employee are shaping up when grizzlies are allowed to do what they do best, which is interacting with people and food in enclosed spaces." But Thaller points out that their success might not last forever. "All it would take is for one bear to devour a family for this to fall apart."

Monday, December 16, 2013

Klassic Knudsen: October 17th, 2007.....

In honor of Sylvia Browne 1936-2013

Sylvia Browne's "The Next 100 Years of Breakfast" Predictions Released

Campbell, CA-At last, Sylvia Browne's long awaited list of psychic predictions for the next 100 years, this time involving all things breakfast related, was published today in her popular newsletter, the Sylvia Browne Newsletter.

Since the year 2000, when Browne released her inexplicably accurate list of 40 general predictions for the next 100 years, including such revelations as "Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and green and lavender lights." and "There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek Senate structure.", she has continued to produce lists of even more amazing predictions in order to better fill in the gaps in our knowledge of the future. Her previous list of predictions, "The Next 100 Years of Electronics", sent shock waves through Wall Street as investors scrambled to dump stocks of future losers. Her list of breakfast predictions also stands poised to rock the very foundations of our modern society:

1. By 2015, breakfast will be eaten almost entirely with a fork, even cereal, but cereal will be the new word for eggs. Cereal will no longer be eaten because of the discovered toxic effects of genetically modified crops.

2. The Trix Rabbit will obtain a box of the coveted cereal which shares his name by clandestine means in early 2019 only to have it snatched away by a group of unruly children. Their demise at his hands, which will forever be known as the Murdery Massacre, will be the first step on a long and winding road to the electric chair.

3. At the age of 57 in 2030, Dig 'Em Frog will finally decide to escape the shackles of type casting and move to the Broadway stage. He will eventually star in a revival of "A Chorus Line" as Gregory but first he will legally change his name to Dig Them to symbolize his new found maturity.

4. A clinically depressed Tony the Tiger will lose much of his fan base when he abruptly changes his slogan to "They're Fi-i-ne I guess if you like that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter because we are all going to die anyway!"

5. After a bitter feud lasting several decades, Count Chocula and Franken Berry will reconcile and reunite in 2053, forming a Bobby Brown cover band. Senator Brown, whose brain will have been uploaded into the Internet will successfully sue the duo for royalties from their popular albums.

6. Emerging from the closet in the year 2065, now openly gay Crackle! will be forced out by born again Evangelical Christians Snap! and Pop!. Crackle will join with Bang! and Whack! to back a new breakfast cereal for gays. Snap! and Pop! will ascend to Heaven during The Rapture, which will take place in 2090 as opposed to 2091 due to a clerical error. They will be disappointed to learn that Heaven has been bought by Microsoft and renamed The Holy Vista version 1.0.

7. Finally succumbing to his lifelong love of Super Sugar Crisp cereal, Sugar Bear will suffer his third and final heart attack in 2095. Having lost both legs to diabetes years earlier, Sugar Bear had been spending his time as unlikely first mate to Horatio Magellan Crunch who had resigned from the Navy to shrimp the New Gulf of Mexico, which is the same as the old Gulf of Mexico really but there will be this whole attempt to improve its image that won't really work that well because of the toxic jellyfish infestation.

8. King Vitamin will assume the position of Supreme Overlord of the Earth in 2098. His reign will last one day as he will die in a tragic accident secondary to an innocent misunderstanding. His last words will be "Not me! The cereal!"

9. I see nothing past 2099. This perhaps means that the end of all existence occurs during that year, or maybe just the end of breakfast.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Elf on the Shelf Only Witness to Horrific Double Homicide.....

Strang, NE- When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time was of the essence. Every minute that passed without finding missing 3-year-old Gert McDonald decreased the likelihood that he would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, as was the search for the kidnapped toddler.

For several days that search came up empty, until investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time. They were shocked to discover that they had missed one very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf. 
"We knew the rules going into the interrogation," Lead investigator Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gert still missing!"

But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. "We tried everything we could think of, even advanced techniques like hot cocoa boarding." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there. Another mysterious aspect to this troubling case.

With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gert and solving his parent's murders. Elves on Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. Billings is counting on this. "If that little spying bastard told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

Thursday, December 12, 2013

American Academy of Pediatrics Releases New Guidelines on Corporal Punishment.....

Elk Grove Village, IL – The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the primary professional organization responsible for establishing pediatric healthcare standards, has finally released updated recommendations on dosing of infantile spanking (IS) and corporal punishment (CP) in children.
“This represents a huge step forward for pediatricians and parents,” Head of Disciplinary Pediatrics at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Dr. Mort Fishman explained. “Until now, parents have had to call the pediatrician, make an appointment and travel to the office sometimes hours to days after the undesired behavior has occurred. Or they visit urgent care facilities and emergency departments. Sometimes they just wing it.”
It is this “winging it” by many parents that has concerned pediatric medical professionals for decades. Since the discovery of CP almost accidentally in the 1930s when a Harvard researcher inadvertently dropped a heavy glass beaker on the head of a stubborn lab assistant, a number of children have overdosed. Some have suffered permanent injury. A few have even died. Researchers have long blamed the lack of pediatric guidelines and inappropriate extrapolation of adult dosing, shouting out the oft repeated axiom that kids are not simply smaller adults. Recent studies have even revealed an alarming upward trend in the inappropriate use of home corporal punishment.
The usual suspects are frequently mentioned by pediatricians, researchers and public officials. “Anybody can publish anything on the internet,” Fishman, who co-authored the AAP paper, adds. “There are literally thousands of websites offering up unproven techniques, inconsistent dosing, and pseudoscientific mechanisms of action.”
Parent groups have also become a loud voice in the discussion of pediatric corporal punishment over the past several years, calling for more research and for guidelines for home use. Members of such organizations as Mother’s Against Time Out and the more influential National Spanking Society have raised awareness and millions of dollars with 5K running races, bake sales and van-based mobile spank clinics. Many pediatricians are giving credit to these groups for speaking out on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves, and for pushing the AAP to act.
Dr. Fishman and the AAP hope that the new guidelines will help pediatric healthcare professionals to not only appropriately dose corporal punishment, but to better educate parents and other caregivers such as teachers, daycare workers and babysitters. As stated in the paper’s conclusion, “Empowered and educated caregivers can now confidently dole out safe and effective corporal punishment in a timely fashion without the need to clog up an already overburdened medical system.”
So are the new infantile spanking and corporal punishment guidelines useful for parents as well as pediatricians? They couldn’t be simpler according to Matt Stevens, a mechanical engineer and parent of 3 young children, one of which is kind of a jerk. “When one of my kids talks back or forgets to do a chore, usually Matty Jr., we have a handy flow chart taped to the wall by the fridge. After a few calculations, I know just how hard to smack him.”
But the responses to the new guidelines are not all positive. A vocal minority of pediatricians are raising concerns over the ability for caregivers without medical training to decipher the recommendations. Dr. Percival Boudreaux, academic pediatric hospitalist and discipline researcher, is one of the more prominent voices of opposition. “Is Timmy just being sassy or is he exhibiting stage 3 lollygagging? Is he a smart aleck or a wisenheimer? I trained in pediatrics for almost ten years and sometimes I can’t tell the difference!”

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Point/Counterpoint: Is Helicopter Parenting Delaying the Transition to Adulthood....

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL

Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Deepak Chopra Endorses New Line of Steam and Serve Meals.....

San Diego, CA- Following in the footsteps of other self help and actualization gurus, Deepak Chopra has announced his endorsement of a low calorie line of steam and serve snacks and entrees.

"Around the still point of the present moment galaxies evolve, the universe expands," Chopra revealed during a press conference held on the lavishly landscaped grounds of the Omni La Costa Resort and Spa where the Chopra Center is located. "The point of arrival is now. There is never a time that is not now. Cosmic consciousness."

Chopra's reasonably portioned meals, all made with high quality organic ingredients are vegan, gluten free and kosher. In addition, each individual meal was prepared and packaged by a mother who is actively breastfeeding a child being carried in an authentic Chinese Mei Tai. Chopra, who personally oversaw the development of this product, is confident that these meals will appeal to today's savvy consumers and stand out in an already overcrowded marketplace. "We experience the contents of our consciousness as the world. We are not in the world, the world is in us. Only pure awareness is creative."

Just a handful of choices will be available initially, but Chopra announced that more options will be on store shelves, or available for purchase from his website, over the next few months. According to the world renowned former endocrinologist, there will eventually be over 30 different meals. "Your brain is the observation deck for the universe to see itself. Nothing does not exist. It is full of activity. Quantum vacuum, plenum, fullness, virtual particles."

What is Chopra's favorite selection? The alternative health expert and author of over 50 books says he loves them all, or else he wouldn't have approved them. "What appears to us as the unpredictable movement of atoms ends up manufacturing a universe with mind and life. Every addiction is to a thought. The ticket to freedom is in the gap between thoughts. Also I really enjoy the oatmeal with apples and cinnamon."

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dial Corporation to Market All Natural Holistic Underarm Deodorant.....

Scottsdale, AZ- Attempting to take advantage of the growing trend among consumers towards all natural products, the Dial Corporation's Right Guard brand is releasing a new formulation of underarm deodorant that should appeal to consumers who are concerned about toxic chemicals and who desire a product that takes a more holistic approach to personal hygiene.

"This is like nothing we've ever done before," Henkel AG & Company CEO Kasper Rorsted explained. "Right Guard Vortex is based on no science whatsoever. In fact, we very purposefully avoided the involvement of anybody with even a remote understanding of the biochemical processes that lead to underarm odor. Being based in Arizona, this wasn't really very hard to do."

Right Guard Vortex doesn't contain any synthetic chemicals. In fact, there are no conventional deodorants or antiperspirants at all. It works by combining a number of powerful and ancient approaches to preventing odor, some of which have been around for thousands of years. According to the manufacturer, the following techniques and ingredients are involved:

1. Each and every batch of Right Guard Vortex is blessed by a Native American shaman.
2. Rare Earth magnets are incorporated into product packaging, helping to stabilize electron spin and intrinsic angular momentum energy, ensuring unaffected quality while sitting on store shelves for long periods.
3. Pulverized green apophyllite and serpentine crystals are incorporated into the product's gelatinous matrix. These remove toxins from the body that lead to underarm odor and help create a healing environment.
4. Anti-odor quantum nanoparticles developed in Europe by NASA, and previously unavailable without a prescription, seek out odor particles and neutralize them.
5. Each applicator is made in the exact relative dimensions of the Egyptian pyramids. This facilitates the users tuning into cosmic energy radiating from an advanced and high-ranking spiritual entity. Once connected, knowledge of the true constitution and workings of human existence will be transferred.

According to Rorsted, Right Guard Vortex will sell for about $399 for a one month supply of applicators, making it the most expensive underarm deodorant on the market by hundreds of dollars. But he isn't worried about sales. "Yeah, people will totally buy this crap."

Friday, November 29, 2013

From Humble Beginnings to Health Advocacy Juggernaut: An Interview with Mitch Rangler of The Health Patrol.....

Mitch Rangler
I sat down with Mitch Rangler, the controversial founder of the health advocacy organization The Health Patrol, at a small cafe just down the street from his post office box. Rangler has a reputation for fiercely defending natural herbal remedies for a variety of health problems, and is notorious for going after health care professionals who he doesn't agree with. Rangler claims he has even been targeted by medical doctors on social media networks like Twitter and that there have been attempts to silence him.

I expected to meet a man who wasn't afraid to go for the jugular of the modern medical-industrial complex, and I wasn't disappointed. What I never expected was for him to reveal so many intimate details about his childhood, his unexpected brush with death early in life and his motivation for bringing what he considers to be the truth about health to the world. Love him or hate him, after this interview you will.

KN: Hello Mr. Rangler, thank you for sitting down with me. I like to start off all of my interviews with a quote from the French poet Gerard McFrench:
"Life is to be lived. Death, to be dealt. My heart is a home for empty dreams. Thus speaks the raven."
What does that mean to you?

MR: That's beautiful. I guess it means that medical doctors deal death and I'm the raven that speaks truth. And maybe I'm also the empty heart.

KN: Is your heart empty, Mr. Rangler?

MR: It used to be. Now it's full of rage and the desire to educate folks about natural remedies. Like using Mexican Honey Wasp saliva for vitiligo.

KN: Why do you struggle against such great odds? Do you truly believe that you can change the status quo of healthcare being dictated by scientific hegemony? What can one man really do?

MR: Why do I struggle to bring folks the truth? Because I've been there, seen the light and emerged transformed. Like when a caterpillar weaves his web and, as he has for thousands of years, emerges as a small bird or a maybe a bat.

When I was a young boy of maybe around ten or eleven years, I looked death in the face. I was right there on the edge, man. I was a strong boy, and full of vim and vigor, but one day all that changed in the blink of an eye. My nose, it was like, like I couldn't breathe through it. Just completely blocked up with some sort of, I don't know what it was. Some kind of mucous? My throat was scratchy, making it uncomfortable to swallow food. Then the fevers came. And I had a mild headache, as I recall.

My poor mother, she didn't know any better. She gave me drugs and they masked the symptoms for a time but the effects wore off. We were sheep just like most people back then and after I hadn't improved for a day or two we ran to the doctor, literally ran to the doctor because we had sold our car to buy soap and cheese for Christmas. The doctor just laughed, laughed right in my face. He sent me home to die.

That's when I began to research natural cures. Cures like seahorse semen to prevent age related macular degeneration. I read every book I could get my hands on, and even some I couldn't. I listened to radio programs about herbal remedies. I attended classes and seminars, often at the same time. Months went by and I realized I hadn't died. I took that as an omen, a sign that I was on the right path.

I redoubled my efforts, eventually becoming certified in Nutritionology and Clinical Herbology. I achieved mastery and began to improve upon what I had learned. I began to devise my own remedies. Like the tears of a newborn elk for childhood amnesia. And more importantly I began to tell others about what I had learned.

KN: The Health Patrol was born.

MR: That's right. I started The Health Patrol to help educate the world about cures for suffering and disease that can be found in the natural world, like the earwax of an albino wallaby for chronic sleep incontinence, not in the synthetic chemicals forged in a Big Pharma laboratory.

KN: What do you think about high profile health advocates like Dr. Mehmet Oz and Deepak Chopra?

MR: Fatheads. You can write that down Knudsen!

KN: Now these are highly respected physicians. Millions of people watch them on television and read their books for some reason. Fatheads?

MR: I don't care if they walked on the moon and had tea with Mamie Van Doren! Fatheads. They wouldn't know a true natural cure from just a random plant or animal secretion paired with an equally random ailment! Like the clean caught midstream urine of a golden lion tamarin for atrial fibrillation.

KN: That's a fair point. So what's next for Mitch Rangler and The Health Patrol?

MR: Well, I've pretty much taken over the internet. I'm on Twitter. I've got a post office box, it's just down the street. So that's happening.

KN: That's fantastic. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to answer these questions Mr. Rangler. I truly do wish you the best of luck on your quest to bring all natural health cures to the world!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Researchers Discover Huge Increase in the Diagnosis of Schizophrenia in Toddlers.....

Atlanta- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta have announced the results of a year long probe into reports of an increasing incidence of schizophrenia diagnoses in toddlers across the United States, revealing that the phenomenon is considerably more widespread than expected.

"These are children, some of them barely old enough to have a job, and from every socioeconomic and cultural demographic you can imagine," explained lead research Brabara Nicholas. "They are just starting out in the world. It breaks my heart to see them like this and we have no answers."

Schizophrenia, a disorder of impaired cognition and unusual emotional responses to environmental stimuli, is most commonly diagnosed in young adults. This trend in onset during the toddler years is troubling to experts like Nicholas, as well as the general pediatricians that are often the first to see the early signs. The reason for this stark increase in incidence remains a mystery to mental health professionals.

Toddler schizophrenia, similar to older pediatric patients and adults, is diagnosed when a young child, during a one month period, has at least two of the following symptoms:
1. Delusions
2. Hallucinations
3. Disorganized speech
4. Grossly disorganized behavrior
5. Negative symptoms
But the presentation of these symptoms is for the most part specific to these young children. Delusions, firmly held beliefs which persist despite powerful evidence of their being false, frequently manifest as the conviction that a variety of magical entities, such as a morbidly obese man-elf and an excessively anthropomorphized rabbit will deliver candy and consumer goods in return for exemplary behavior. Pediatricians frequently describe ritualistic behavior in schizophrenic toddlers. One nearly ubiquitously described example occurs after the shedding of a child's primary tooth, culminating in the placement of said tooth under a pillow and the expectation of finding money in its place in the morning.

There are many additional symptoms that meet criteria for schizophrenia and are toddler specific. Some of the most intriguing frequently involve complex interactions with nonexistent "friends". Experts like Nicholas describe these encounters as entirely within a world of the patient's own creation, dependent on some aspect of human cognition which has yet to be fully understood by neuroscientists. These playmates aren't real but the patient appears unable to differentiate reality from fantasy.

Schizophrenic toddlers often display disorganized speech, to the point that at times only the primary caregiver has the ability to interpret their attempts at communication. Toddlers with disorganized behavior typically dress inappropriately, desiring to wear a playful costume to a formal event such as a funeral for example, or cry intermittently and with seemingly no reasonable provocation. These episodes of intense crying, often accompanied by screaming and flailing of the limbs, can be quite distressful to both parents and observers should they occur in public. Sometimes effected toddlers will simply go limp, making their removal from the scene more challenging.

In order to be officially diagnosed with schizophrenia, toddlers must also display social or occupational dysfunction. This can involve significant impact at preschool, during job interviews, or with peer relationships but also the impairment of their ability to care for themselves. Many, unfortunately, are rendered completely helpless by the diagnosis, and would likely not survive without extreme interventions from caregivers and medical professionals. Nicholas, whose own child was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 19 months, hopes that more research will lead to better therapies and perhaps even a cure. "They can't prepare their own meals, dress themselves, or even find suitable employment. What kind of future do these lost children have?"

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Pit Bull Involved in Mauling Death of Young Child Usually Loves Kids.....

Lynville, TN- After the the loss of their 4-year-old daughter Irma, who earlier this month was severely mauled by a neighbor's American Pit Bull terrier and died in her mother's arms in the back of an ambulance, the Simmons family could have allowed the tragic accident to change the way that they feel about the breed.

"Naturally we were angry at first," Irma's father Jim explains. "But after the outpouring of pictures and videos from owners of Pit Bulls, showing how at the moment they were taken or filmed the dog was not mauling someone, we realized how petty our concerns were in the grand scheme of private dog ownership."

Admittedly feeling a little foolish after at first considering taking to the media to call for restrictions on ownership of pit bulls and similar breeds, the Simmons family now puts the tragic loss of their only child in perspective. "All dogs bite. Even an eleven pound Havanese might, if provoked by a pestering small child, become aggressive and bite, perhaps leaving a few small puncture wounds or a shallow abrasion. You don't see people trying to ban them!"

Tinkerbell, the Pit Bull involved in the tragic death of Irma Simmons, is well known in the tight knit community of Lynville. His owners and many in the town swear that he is a sweet and loving animal that usually loves small children. Town Sheriff Duane Jones, an animal lover and father of 3 children, says that Tinkerbell has never caused a problem before. "On one hand, these people don't purposefully choose to own such a potentially dangerous animal...wait, they have a choice? That's just crazy!"

Friday, November 22, 2013

Nursing Homes Unprepared for Pudding Shortages.....

Northfield, IL-If rising fuel prices continue to push the cost of food higher, United States nursing homes might not be prepared to deal with system wide pudding shortages according to researchers who looked at more than 400 nursing homes across the country.

"Of the nursing homes we studied, less than a quarter had plans in place specifically to deal with pudding shortages," lead researcher Everett Cosby, chief of the section of pudding epidemiology at the Kraft Foods research and development laboratory in Chicago, explained. "That leaves nearly 2.5 million elderly citizens at risk of receiving less than the recommended daily allowance of pudding, and that is unacceptable in a high risk population that is prone to pudding deficiency related health concerns."

In response to the findings, researchers from Kraft have issued a number of pudding management guidelines for nursing homes:

1. Provide education to staff members as well as to the families of nursing home residents regarding the importance of adequate pudding levels in men and women over the age of 65.

2. Open lines of communication with local pudding providers is essential in maintaining an adequate supply during shortages.

3. Stockpile at least a one month supply of pudding, preferably in a secret location off limits to residents.

4. Designate a trusted staff member to be responsible for pudding preparedness, having access to the hidden supply of pudding in case of a shortage in your area, and to protect the pudding horde at all costs.

5. Designate another staff member, or preferably a private security firm, to be responsible for determining if the staff member in charge of pudding preparedness has been tempted by the enormous cache of delicious pudding and become a pudding preparedness liability.

According to Cosby, the effect of a pudding shortage on this population should not be taken lightly. "If nursing homes are to be called upon to serve as a source of care, and pudding, for vulnerable citizens with nowhere else to turn, the impact of a widespread pudding supply breakdown could be catastrophic." Kraft Foods Inc. is calling for congress to enact legislation that will ensure that nursing home residents receive a steady supply of pudding in the event of any necessary pudding rationing.

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler.....

The Health Patrol

with Mitch Rangler

This country is sick. Down deep sick, like when my dog had a worm in his brain and Pappy made me shoot him in the head because that's what men do. There is a festering boil on America's posterior and its name is the pharmaceutical industry. I'm here with a rusty pocket knife and a handful of crumpled up tissues, and I'm gonna do what men do cause I'm a man.

Hello, I'm Mitch Rangler. And this is the Health Patrol. What is the Health Patrol? Who is Mitch Rangler? I'm just a man who will expose the sordid underbelly of Big Pharma and closed-minded doctors who pump us so full of drugs and lies we don't know our own shit from a tin of Shinola. I'm the guy that going to bring you information that those Wall Street fat cats and Washington bureaucrats are afraid of. I'll tell you what's shit, and what you can rub on your shoes. That's who Mitch Rangler is!

Doctors Cover Up Effective Home Remedies for the Common Cold!

I never get colds. It's a fact. But when I do, I know just how to stop it and get back to work, like a man. Doctors say there's no cure for a cold. But if they told you the truth they would lose out on the billions of dollars spent on phony baloney cold treatments like drugs and antibiotics. For every prescription they write for a cold medicine, they get paid and you get sicker! 

Or could they just be ignorant? Could they really not know about the many natural cures for colds and flus? The kind that Big Pharma can't buy and sell on the Sick Market! They must not live in my kitchen! That's too bad because I'm serving sandwiches...knuckle sandwiches! And I like mine heavy on the knuckle and light on processed store bought mayonnaise. I wouldn't eat that crap with somebody else's mouth. 

My kitchen is full of cold killing natural health remedies:

Tapioca Pudding: Pudding alone has restorative properties, which is why it's a part of every meal at the Rangler house. But tapioca will hang that cold virus out to dry. It's a mystery where this wonder fruit even comes from, but studies have show that if you eat tapioca pudding you feel better.

Prunes: A lot of people say the worst thing about a cold is the stuffy nose or the sore throat. Those people are idiots, plain and simple. Prunes are all natural, full of vitamins and antioxidants, and they keep me running as regular and consistent as a soft serve ice cream dispenser at a Marlon Brando impersonator convention.

Liver and Onions: When I get a cold, I double my intake of liver and onions. That's like ten times the cold fighting power! Liver is full of protein for stamina and vigor, and onions are full of minerals. I once ate 5 pounds of the stuff at a Luby's in Waco and didn't get sick for 6 months!

Chicken Soup: Chicken soup has been used centuries to cure colds. And science, which I usually don't care much for, has proven that it induces cold fighting immune systems! And if you eat a bowl with liver and onions, and a side of tapioca, that cold will pack its bags and move into somebody else's body. Maybe even a democrat!

Garlic: Common household garlic is a great treatment for colds and flus and can prevent them in the first place. Raw garlic has antifungal, antibacterial and antiviral properties. I rub it on my feet every time I go to the gym. Research proved garlic boosts healing and the immune system. That's why Italians don't get colds.

So the next time you get a cold, or think you are about to get one, try these options before heading to the doctor. And if you do go, don't mention my name. They will probably send you packing because you know the score, friends!  

I'm Mitch Rangler, and this has been The Health Patrol!

Friday, November 15, 2013

String of Grisly Murders Linked to Rogue Feng Shui.....

Chicago- Investigators of a string of grisly murders in the Chicago area may finally have a break in this puzzling case, thanks to some rather unconventional help from local practitioners of the ancient science of feng shui.

Feng shui, a Chinese system of manipulating the unseen mystical force which binds mankind to all existence by moving furniture, has been used for thousands of years to increase wealth and improve health. But what if there was a dark side to this powerful method of controlling human experience? What if instead of changing lives for the better, it could destroy them?

"I first suspected that a practitioner of rogue feng shui may be involved when I saw a picture of one of the crime scenes on a news report," Guo Pu, a Xuan Kong feng shui grandmaster and Chicago resident explained. "The furniture was arranged perfectly...too perfectly. And then I noticed a water feature placed in the southwest corner of the room right next to a statue of a yellow dragon. Then I knew."

Students of feng shui gain their wisdom while training at the mysterious Feng Shui Academy in Oakland, CA, where they first learn of the ability of feng shui to harm in addition to heal. Headmaster Vernon Wormer revealed that "students at Feng Shui academy are taught the history of the dark side of our practice, so that they might learn to respect its awesome power. Unless we learn from our past we our doomed to repeat it."

Headmaster Wormer denied the possibility that rogue feng shui has played a role in the recent spate of homicides, stating that students are not actually taught any techniques that might bring about death or destruction of property. But an anonymous source within the academy told me that there is a book in the forbidden section of the library that contains such teachings, and that it might just be possible to arrange the shelves in such a way as to render a student invisible so that they might read the book. That is if school caretaker Mrs. Flitch and her dog Mr. Norbitt aren't around.

Pu, a 1976 graduate of Feng Shui Academy and former president of the Lambda Lambda Lambda Honor Society, has offered to help investigators. "I know the one person who would do this, and I know he won't stop until he has arranged a deadly path of furniture, plug-in water fountains and cheap animal statues all over this plane of existence!"

Monday, November 11, 2013

Dr. Phil On Ice Set to Begin National Tour.....

Los Angeles, CA- Finally, after 11 years of bringing his daily comprehensive forum for mental health issues into the living rooms of millions of Americans, Dr. Phil McGraw is strapping on his skates and taking his no nonsense brand of straight shooting tough love to the ice.

"I think we all new that this was the direction this was heading," McGraw explains while stretching a tight hamstring after completing a perfectly executed double axel-double toe loop jump combination. "I've exhausted the medium of television as a means of making complex psychology both accessible and understandable for regular folks. You don't need a pack of wild horses to learn how to make a sandwich!"

Following in the footsteps of Sally Jessie Raphael and Ricky Lake, former talk show giants who exchanged a television studio for a chance to make a real connection with people while touring with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey travelling circus, Dr. Phil will be tackling such diverse topics as bullying, drug abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, suicide and a various forms of severe mental illness via the majesty of ice dancing. McGraw reveals, "Sometimes you have to make the right decision, and sometimes you have to make the decision right."

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Integrative Marine Biologists Discover Evidence of Dolphin Acupuncture.....

Coconut Island, HI- Researchers at the Andrew Weil Institute of Integrative Marine Biology have announced the discovery of compelling evidence that dolphins use acupuncture.

"We aren't sure if this is simply an extremely complex example of imitative behavior, or an independently developed alternative health system," Greta Bowen, director of Cetacean Physiology at AWIIMB, explained. "Regardless, this represents a stunning advance in our understanding of cetacean culture and will change the way we interact with these majestic and highly intelligent sea creatures from now on."

Though long considered to be one of the most intelligent nonhuman animals, dolphins have never fully distinguished themselves as capable of using tools in a complex manner. With this amazing discovery, dolphins have now surpassed nonhuman primates in this regard. Not only are dolphins clearly tool users, but it appears that they have also developed a fully fleshed out system of diagnosis and treatment of illness.

Acupuncture, an ancient Chinese practice, involves the insertion of fine needles into specific points on the body in order to unblock the stagnant flow of Chi. Chi is the life force, or energy, of the human body and must flow freely through the many channels, or meridians, in the body in order to maintain balance and a state of health. Researchers at AWIIMB discovered defects in dolphin carcasses, and even some live specimens, which roughly correspond to traditional Chinese acupuncture points.

These defects, although larger than what would be expected after human acupuncture treatments, are felt to reflect the crude use of floating branches sharpened with the use of seashells. Bowen revealed,
"The defects in the dolphins' skin, which are about the size of the tooth of a tiger shark, reveal the difficulties of underwater acupuncture. They range from clean punctures to open gashes and are found in various stages of healing. What we don't know yet is if the variations in technique are intentional or a complication of strong ocean currents during treatment sessions."
The AWIIMB, fierce advocates for holistic veterinary medicine, are taking advantage of this discovery to reach out to the public. While no surveys on the use of traditional alternative medicine by animals have been done to date, the use of therapies such as acupuncture and chiropractic on animals is growing in popularity, although this usually takes place in neighborhood veterinary clinics and on household pets. Bowen concludes, "We now know that this is out there in the wild. So wildlife and marine biologists, regardless of whether or not they accept that these treatments are effective, need to be aware of their use."

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Dietary Evolution Versus Culinary Design.....

Belvidere, NE- When Home Economics teacher Fran Gill refused to read a statement about culinary design before her lesson on the origin of modern recipes, she was taking a stand. She had no idea that this simple act of defiance would create a controversy, at least a local one. For while national attention has focused on the events in Louisiana and Texas regarding the teaching of evolution, a small public school in Nebraska is having its own battle.

In 2008, the Belvidere school board, which consists of mayor Spooner Jenkins, who also serves as fire chief and deliverer of copies of the Ye Olde Nebraskian to 42 of 43 houses every Sunday, voted unanimously to approve the forced teaching of culinary design(CD) in the town’s one room schoolhouse. The 43rd house in this picturesque community belongs to Maynard Wilks who refuses to subscribe to the statewide newspaper because of a long running feud with Myrna Miller, his neighbor and winner of the town bake-off 53 years running. When asked for more specific reasons he muttered, “No good Myrna Miller and her dagnab peach cobbler. Tastes like 3-day-old biscuits if you asked me!”.

This red brick building, which has been used as the town school since Randy Watson’s Chicken Taco Casserole stand went bankrupt in 1983, employs 1/2 of the town’s population. The other half are farmers and/or farming assistants. There are 3 students, Jimron Watkins, Susabell Watkins, and Jimron Watkins Jr., each of which are currently taking Home Economics 101 which has always been a popular course with students and teachers. Other courses offered at the school are Tractor Repair I, II, and Advanced Tractor Theory; Wheat; Corn; Cow Parts; The Art of Taxidermy; Careers in Soil Management; UFO Abduction Basics; Whuppin; and Algebra.

Most chefs and food scientists accept that modern recipes have, over billions of years, come to exist in their current form through a series of random ingredient additions resulting in more palatable combinations. Recipes more pleasing to the taste had a better chance of surviving while those which offended the taste buds were cast aside. Of note, the Theory of Dietary Evolution does not comment on the origin of the first recipe although this is an area of extreme scientific interest. It does, with over a hundred years of solid scientific investigation to support it, explain how early recipes consisting of the most basic ingredients such as salt and pepper evolved into such modern entities as Baked Alaska and Chicken-Vegetable Kabobs.

Culinary Design supporters claim that the best evidence actually points toward an intelligent creator of modern recipes. And they disagree with those skeptics who feel that they have a religious agenda. “They are just trying to force god, or the holy chef as they like to call him, into our public schools!”, Floyd Watkins, father of Jimron Watkins, grandfather of Jimron Watkins Jr., and school janitor, gym teacher, hall monitor, and bus driver was heard to say by Jethro Laney, town car washer, sheriff, and head cook at Ronda’s $2 dollar café, where every item on the menu is $2 except for the World Famous $3 Dollar Meatloaf. When I pointed out the redundancy in using a dollar sign as well as the word dollar, Ronda growled, “The sign says 3 buck so that’s what you gotta pay for it!”.

So will this growing controversy tear the peaceful town of Belvidere, Nebraska apart? Will the expected influx of the media and other strange city folk affect the good natured attitude Belvidere is famous for. Only time and an upcoming trial will tell. The residents have called in lawyers from nearby Carleton, Nebraska, population 136, to represent the opposing sides on this issue. Carleton will send it’s two lawyers, both of whom will soon be graduates of the Correspondence College of Tampa’s Lawyer School. This will surely be a clash of titanic proportions.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Many Americans are Diluting Their Sugar with a Common and Potentially Deadly Chemical Compound.....

Arlington, VA- Many Americans are diluting their sugar with a common but potentially dangerous chemical compound according to Researchers at the American Sugar Alliance headquarters in Arlington, Virginia.

"If I hadn't seen the data myself, I probably wouldn't have believed it," ASA president and 3rd generation sugar beet farmer Mulch Stinson explained. "But it's right there in black and white. Now adults can do what they want, but there's kids drinking this stuff."

The study, funded by the ASA, looked at the ways Americans have been consuming sugar over the past ten years. The researchers discovered that virtually every American adult, and a significant percentage of American children, are adding the chemical compound dihydrogen monoxide to their sugar. At today's press conference, Stinson raised serious concerns about the widespread availability of this potentially deadly combination. "This stuff is everywhere. People can just mix up a batch at home or go down the street to the Piggly Wiggly and buy 3 liters of the stuff. And it's colorful and it's got cartoon characters on the labels and they got prizes under the caps. That's how they get you hooked."

What has Stinson and the ASA worried are the not only the possible direct negative health effects of dihydrogen monoxide, but the indirect consequences of lowering sugar intake. "Sugar is an important nutrient, and must be available in our bodies at all times. Low levels can cause serious injury to the brain, and it could kill you." Stinson then looked off in the distance, at what I can't say, but it was probably something pretty damn special.

I spoke with Dr. Mort Fishman DCC, a doctor of clinical carbohydratology employed by American Crystal Sugar, who revealed the following:
"This dihydrogen monoxide stuff is lethal in high enough amounts, leading to swelling of the brain, seizures and death. If inhaled, it can cause a pretty serious disruption in the ability to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide in the lungs, leading to respiratory failure. It's even a major component of acid rain and many other dangerous chemicals. And in areas where large enough amounts have naturally collected, it's not long before the place is lousy with sharks."
In addition to increasing awareness of dihydrogen monoxide poisoning, the ASA and numerous other groups, like American Crystal Sugar, are dedicated to protecting the American public from the dangers of low blood sugar. They have joined together to release the following list of reminders and recommendations to keep you and your loved ones safe:

1. Eat sugar at every meal and snack.
2. Avoid going more than an hour without any sugar intake.
3. There are many sugar delivery products and devices available on the market, but be sure to check the label to make sure that there are at least 30 grams per serving.
3. When in doubt or in a hurry, don't get bogged down calculating serving sizes. If sugar is on the list of ingredients, just eat the whole thing.
4. If a product contains dihydrogen monoxide, simply boiling it until it forms a thick syrup is sufficient to remove most of the dangerous compound. Then consume an amount of that syrup equivalent to the amount in the original mixture. For example, if you want to drink 12oz and have a product containing a mixture of sugar and dihydrogen monoxide, boil enough of the mixture to leave 12oz of sugar syrup and then just go ahead and drink that.
5. Be creative and come up with exciting new ways to increase your sugar intake. What about bathing in pancake syrup or a Twix bar suppository? Let us know what you've come up with and you might be featured in a future edition of our monthly newsletter, Sugar Fancy.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Chiropractic Researchers Study Lunar Effects.....

Falls Church, VA- Though long believed to significantly impact human behavior and biology, modern reductionist science has yet to find convincing evidence. Skeptics vehemently deny that the moon plays a role in human health but believers are plentiful, and they have proposed a variety of potential mechanisms of action for so called lunar effects. But just how the moon might increase fertility, for example, or delay blood clotting remains largely a mystery.

There are far more questions than answers when it comes to the moon. What is it? How did it get up there? What is the source of its light. Who? But chiropractic researchers at the headquarters of the International Chiropractic Association in Falls Church may finally have a few answers.

"Let's face it, we don't know much about the moon," chiropractic researcher Jill Alcabaz explains. "But that doesn't mean we can't harness its healing powers. It would be foolish to let something as irrelevant as basic scientific plausibility stand in our way when there are literally millions of potential patients out there that need our help."

Alcabaz and her team of experts on the human spine at the ICA set out gain a better understanding of lunar effects a little over one year ago. And what they found may change the way western science thinks about the moon and chiropractic healthcare. 53,000 patients with really bad headaches were recruited to take part in the trial, which involved half being assigned to chiropractic care during a full moon and the other half receiving a pamphlet on self-administered home chiropractic care to be done on any day other than when the moon was full. Headache severity was assessed using a standard scale of one to five, with one being no headache and five being a really really bad headache.

After the year long observational period concluded, of the 42 patients who completed the study an astounding 97% of participants undergoing chiropractic care during a full moon either did not have a headache at the time, or their headache was a 4 or less on the headache severity scale. Of the participants who received the informational pamphlet, only 3 were headache free and 1 had a score less than 5. But what does this mean according to Alcabaz:

"After some pretty sophisticated statistical analysis, we found that combining chiropractic care and the beneficial rays of the full moon led to a statistically significant improvement in headache severity and likelihood that a subject's headache resolved completely. I can't say that about the subjects who performed home chiropractic."
The results of the study aren't surprising to many in the chiropractic community. Frank Grimes DC, who has been a practicing chiropractor in Belvidere, NE for over twenty years, has seen first hand the miraculous results of quality chiropractic administered by a trained professional. "You can't just do it at home and expect the same results. I went to school for 4 years to learn how to do this. I question the ethics of this study."

The paper, which will be published on the ICA website next month, may have proven that the full moon does effect the human body but it leaves open the question of how. Alcabaz does have some ideas. "The human body is mostly comprised of water, carbon, protein and energy. Chiropractic impacts the flow of energy and the moon causes the ocean tides. It seems pretty obvious what is going on here." 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Local Women Ends Childhood Obesity Epidemic by Handing Out Raisins on Halloween.....

Brookline, MA- Taking a stand against childhood obesity, Brookline resident Jan Stilton will be handing out raisins this Halloween instead of candy.

"With so many people unhealthy and obese, and many of them young children, it's time somebody took a stand," Stilton explained. "If more people took action instead of just going along with the crowd, the world would be a better place! And raisins are nature's candy."

Obesity researchers, like Harvard's Elsie Taveras, have been waiting for a hero like Stilton to emerge. "Obesity is a major public health issue, and something that negatively impacts the health of millions of children. It's a complicated problem with myriad influences. Thankfully, its all about to be in the past."

The certain success of Stilton's campaign to end childhood obesity is already inspiring regular citizens all over the country to accomplish what the government and egghead scientists can't. We've only just received a report from downtown New Orleans that 54-year-old engineer Mark Foreman has loudly and purposefully had an exaggerated coughing fit as two smokers walked by him at a bus stop, thus ending tobacco's grip on the populace.

Study Finds 3 out of 4 American Colons Haunted.....

Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP)."We were suprised to find out how widespread this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. "The results of so many studies are ignored because of closed-minded attacks on the methodology and I didn't want to suffer the same fate." After using the standard paranormal investigation randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two seperate but equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP.

Team psychic and cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rod back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved recording sounds eminating from the remaining subjects abdomens and analyzing them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three out of four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now attempting to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. We just don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and painful gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Pet Owners Angered Over Unhealthy Dog Food, Death Toll in the Thousands.....

Gray Summit, MO- Thousands of angry pet owners, shocked by the discovery of unhealthy ingredients like chicken by-product meal in their regular dog food, stormed the headquarters of Purina today, leaving hundreds dead.

"This is unacceptable, just unacceptable," Judy Smith, owner of a 3-year-old Havanese named Mr. Jangles, explained as she tore the trachea from Purina receptionist Bridget Berryhill's throat with her bare hands. "Did they think we wouldn't find out? I took the True Blue Challenge! They brought this on themselves!"

Fooled by misleading packaging and seemingly sincere commercials for years, dog owners across the country have had to face the painful realization that the brands that they have been purchasing are lacking what makes up a healthy dog food. Kent Whitaker, Executive VP of Strategic Competitor Shaming at Blue Buffalo, believes that consumers should be angry about what they have been feeding the animals that depend on them for sustenance:

"These products are teeming with glutens, high fructose chicken waste, even dexahexylmethylquantanamobamacaramine. Just look at the labels, look at our label and compare. And we are the only dog food that contains actual Lifesource Bits, a precise blend of vitamins and antioxidants and a sliver of the Heart of Gaia."

Blue Buffalo is always searching for new and healthier ingredients. In addition to Lifesource Bits, the production of which will leave the Earth a barren husk devoid of all life by the year 2025, there are a number of candidates for inclusion in future products. These include acai berry pulp, coconut water and Soulsource drops, a nourishing liquid made from Gelfling essence and kale chips.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Klassic Knudsen: December 27th, 2007.....

New Book of the Bible to be Published

Vatican City-In response to sagging book sales, and the loss of a number of readers to the enormously successful Harry Potter series and popular television programs such as Heroes and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, religious authorities have hired a ghostwriter to pen a new installment to the Gospels of the Bible, the best selling literary work of all time.

"One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the Bible is the poor development of the character known as Jesus," ghostwriter Frank Sarpong explained. "He's got a mysterious past, exciting superpowers, and the kind of tormented angst that today's 18-35 crowd can relate to, but just when things are getting going, bam he's dead, buried, and ascended."

In addition to providing some new details regarding the events that took place during his 30 years as a carpenter, a time largely left shrouded in mystery in other books of the Bible, the new books will focus on the origin of Jesus's supernatural abilities such as altering the density of his body, changing the chemical make-up of fluids, and creating matter. Sarpong is looking to give Jesus a modern take. "The whole God did it reason isn't flying with today's more savvy readers anymore. I haven't decided whether to go with genetic mutation or alien technology yet, but either way he's going to be fighting crime, and possibly dinosaurs."

Sunday, October 27, 2013

New Sylvia Brown Book Just a Hundred Pages of Smeared Lipstick and Cigarette Burns.....

New York, NY- Touchstone publishing, a subsidiary of Simon and Schuster, held a press conference today to announce the upcoming release of Sylvia Browne's new book, The Truth About Famous Psychic Angel Pets Astrology Healing.

"We at Touchstone are very excited about Ms. Browne's new literary effort," Touchstone Vice President and Publisher Stacy Creamer explained. "And we are confident that this publication will both delight and educate the public."

The Truth About Famous Pyschic Angel Pets Astrology Healing, which is the 47th book written by Brown over a long career as a psychic and as a magical talking leather sofa on the set of the Emmy winning Montel Williams Show, consists of one hundred pages of lipstick smears and cigarette ash burns. Browne has predicted that sales of this book will reach the one hundred million mark and that in 2014 a cure for diabetes will be discovered just sitting there on Tony Danza's back porch.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Area Toddler is a Complete Asshole.....

Portland, ME- When Portland 2-year-old Tackle Lewinsky stumbles down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know its time to pack up and leave. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs and digging, is an asshole. A complete and total asshole.

"He seemed like such a sweet baby at first," Tackle's mother Lurleen Lewinsky explained. "But now I just look at him and wonder what I did wrong. He could just be sitting there watching the Disney Channel and still be such a complete asshole."

Some experts, like Harvard pediatrician Marsha Collins, are raising serious concerns about labeling such a young child with such a derogatory term. "A child this age is still developing his personality as he looks to those around him for social cues on how to behave. His brain is changing rapidly as new connections are being forged between neurons. Being labeled like this may negatively influence his...wait, Tackle. Yeah that kid is an asshole."

And Tackle, who is potty trained for the most part but still occassionally has accidents at nightime, is just one of a growing population of asshole toddlers who think that we should just stop whatever we're doing and pay attention to them. That's great, you found a shiny rock. Oh, you pointed at a train and said choo choo. Real damn cute. Assholes.

Love of Children Motivates Area Pedophile.....

Cincinnati, OH - When Cincinnati pedophile Marty Albright takes his daily walk, he is always sure to stop at the neighborhood park near the 2007 Chevy Express Cargo van he calls home. Why? Because he loves children.

"What can I say, I'm guilty. I'm extremely guilty," Albright explains. "I'm guilty of loving kids. Loving them a lot. A whole lot!"

And because of the special attention he gives their children, Albright's neighbors love having him around. Susannah Groves, a 37-year-old mother of two young boys and owner of the house where Albright often parks his van, is appreciative of how he is always available to babysit at a moment's notice. "In this day and age, with school shootings, internet bullying, even pedophiles, it's just nice to know that someone is watching them who will keep them safe from direct bodily injury. And when I get home the are always tucked in and quietly whimpering themselves to sleep. I don't even need to check on them!"

Albright, a vocal supporter of local youth gymnastics teams, is famous around the Mount Adams neighborhood for his festive Halloween costumes and his open van policy for children out trick-or-treating alone. Long time resident Earl Ashberry has seen a lot of pedophiles in vans during his 50 years in Mount Adams. "Pedophiles come and pedophiles go around here. Vans move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963. I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Klassic Knudsen: December 17th, 2007.....

Chiropractic Researchers Find Dangerously Few Medical Doctors Practice Standard of Care Chiropractic

Alta Vista, KS-Sending shockwaves throughout the complementary and alternative medicine community, a new study by chiropractic researchers reveals that the number of American medical doctors that do not practice chiropractic standard of care when treating patients has not budged in the past 118 years.

"We knew that the numbers wouldn't be up to where they should be, but this was a very unexpected finding," Head researcher Lance Buckstern explained. "It isn't clear yet why the near totality of conventionally trained physicians appear to be ignorant of the healing powers of chiropractic techniques, so more study in this area is imperative. But according to our preliminary data, scientific medicine can almost be defined by its near complete lack of interest in chiropractic techniques, diagnostic devices, or even in holistic spinal health in general. That's pretty scary."

Not alone in his concern, many chiropractors across the nation are stepping up and offering special discounted rates to new customers, with some even waiving the costs of xrays and other standard diagnostic devices in an effort to bring the established benefit of chiropractic to more people in their communities. Dr. Frank Grimes D.C. of Belvidere, Nebraska explains that "If you come in before January 1st, I'll include the intial exam, full spinal series of xrays, thermal spine imaging, nutritional evaluation, the first month in our extended maintenance spinal health plan, and bottles of my SuperGreen anti-oxidant supplements, StemSupport vitamins, and anti-aging cream for only $135.99. And if you bring in the kids, I'll see them for half the price!"

Knudsen's History: October 23rd, 1974.....

On this day in 1974, United States President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over subpoenaed audio tapes of his Oval Office conversations. Since that day the tapes have been shrouded in mystery, with only a few high level government officials having access. A number of conspiracy theories involving Nixon's cryptic ramblings have emerged, but none as prominent as the belief that hidden within them lies a prophecy of future events, perhaps even an apocalyptic end to the human race. 

The full message of the Nixon Prophecy is known only by the President of the United States, the Pope, Jesus and legendary blues guitarist Eric Clapton. Nixon, who died in 1994, asked that his prophecy only be revealed after his death, and the death of network television. President Barrack Obama announced that the time for revealing the prophecy is upon us, and is planning on a 6-month roll out during which single words and partial phrases will be leaked to major news organizations. Only the incredible but dormant genius of a 6-year-old child in Kansas City will be able to put them all together, that is if he can wake from his coma in time.

Many experts believe that the Nixon Prophecy, once revealed, will portend the end of human civilization. But other experts feel that an upcoming era of peace and prosperity will be ushered in by the prophecy's predictions. Additional experts, including some who have studied things for several years, think that something quite different may occur as a result of them. Still more experts are refusing to even offer an opinion on the matter but will be happy to explain the meaning of the prophecy once it is revealed.  

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Most Americans Now Born Underwater.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a new study looking into where Americans are having their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

"Although the study did set out to investigate how many people were delivering their babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix, explained. "People have apparently expanded delivery options beyond the more recognized non-traditional locations such as cars, elevators, or their kitchen table."

According to the study, greater than 50% of Americans are delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of a midwife or doula. Mort Fishman MD, medical director of Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that this study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and more natural drug free childbirth. 
"When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of Koi, you won't even consider another species for future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, calming aromatherapy, and this leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue." 
The results of this year long survey may not come as much of a surprise to celebrity watchers. A growing trend among the rich and famous over the past few years, so called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the entire event. Another episode documented Noah Bublé, son of singer Michael Bublé and Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute was deployed.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

New Study Finds Children in Constant Danger.....

Tucson, AZ-A new study out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix reveals that virtually all children, regardless of their age and location, are in constant and serious danger.

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Benjamin Rivera explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certainly going to die at any moment from something, and probably not anything you would think of either but something you've never heard of and can do nothing to prevent. Trust us, you won't see this coming."

The study, which consisted of interviews of a random sampling of Hollywood celebrities, hosts of nationally syndicated talk radio programs, politicians, members of the forums, and co-hosts of The View, does have its critics. Mort Fishman, pediatrician and UCLA faculty member, is concerned that the announcements of the study's findings might mislead some parents:
"The media coverage so far has only focused only on nebulous claims of imminent yet undefined danger facing all children everywhere, leaving families to come up with their own nightmare scenarios. And while the data clearly does support the near certainty of every child's painful and agonizing demise at any moment, caregivers must continually be made aware of known issues."

Fishman recommends that parents take at least a few hours of every day to worry about their child being murdered by a stranger, eating mouthful after mouthful of lead based Chinese-made toys, receiving Halloween candies full of shards of glass, catching a deadly communicable diseases like West Nile or multi-drug resistant super herpes, learning about evolution, or catching autism from vaccines. He also asks that they pay it forward by sharing their fears with other parents whenever possible.