Mosteroy island, Norway- Having emerged triumphantly from the historic Utstein Abbey on Mosteroy island in Norway, Chiropractor Frank Grimes announced to a hushed crowd of thousands an updated list of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation.
"No longer will chiropractors clumsily fumble around in the dark," Dr. Grimes explained. "We may now call upon the shining light of expert consensus to show our patients the path to better health!"
Not since the 1996 meeting of the Association of Chiropractic Colleges, when the definition of the vertebral subluxation was solidified and a golden age of manipulation ushered in, has there been such a huge leap forward in the field. Now, in addition to knowing that a subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health, chiropractors around the world will have an improved framework for what causes them. They hope that this new found knowledge will lead to improved subluxation prevention and the saving of countless lives.
The following is a list of the categories of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation complex, and some common examples as determined by the almost 100 chiropractors representing the European Society of Chiropractry, the European Academy of Chiropractology, the European Society for Intensive Chiropractic Medicine, the American Academy of Chiropractic Engineers, the International Union of Concerned Chiropractors, the World Chiropractic League, and several additional related societies. These included the Eastern Michigan Chiropractic Dinner Club, the Southern Chiropractic Dentists of America Society, Chiropractic Anonymous and local chiropractor Ulf Petersen:
T1. Major physical trauma - Falling down stairs, being run over by a truck, vaginal delivery
T2. Moderate physical trauma - Sneezing, watching a tennis or ping pong match
T3. Mild physical trauma - Eating, breathing, a light breeze
C1. Major chemical trauma - Smoking, alcohol, pollution, pharmaceuticals
C2. Moderate chemical trauma - Nutritional deficiencies, caffeine, processed food, food allergies
C3. Mild chemical trauma - Heartburn, hot tub set to > 90F, offensive odors
E1. Major emotional trauma - Divorce, death of a spouse or child, verbal abuse such as from an employer, psychological abuse such as when a new acquaintance begins to slowly adopt your mannerisms and style of dress in a sadistic attempt to replace you in your circle of friends
E2. Moderate emotional trauma - Loud noises such as gunfire or accidentally knocking over a lamp or stepping on a squeaky dog toy when trying to sneak out of the apartment without waking up your roommate who we all know is kind of a jerk and your friends don't like him
E3. Mild emotional trauma - quieter noises like soothing whispers from a lover or the beating wings of a hummingbird in a nearby English garden, guilt such as that associated with forgetting to put the toilet seat down or to put gas in the car when you were the last person to use it and it was practically running on fumes
Miscellaneous - Gypsy curses, if your child were to step on on a crack or line (only applies to women), spontaneous human subluxation