Do you have decreased energy, depressed mood, or difficulty shedding unwanted pounds?
Having trouble falling asleep or staying awake?
Not getting the most out of life?
Love experiencing exotic beverages from around the world?
Finally, there is a holistic health clinic for you!
The Starbucks Coffee Company Proudly announces the grand opening of their Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic.
Why holistic health? And why Starbucks? It's simple. We live in a toxic world. There are chemicals in our water, heavy metals in our food and electromagnetic fields in our air. We also live in a hectic stress filled world. And after unnatural drugs, stress is the number one killer.
But you don't have to suffer from even one of the many health problems caused by those nasty toxins. You don't have to stress...about stress! You can choose to improve your health now and forever! And you deserve delicious coffee and coffee based beverages made with only the finest of ingredients, with a variety of choices to satisfy even the most picky of coffee lovers.
Trust us, this is not an ordinary holistic health clinic. Sure, our excellent staff of trained professionals will pamper you while offering the same tests and treatments you'll find in those expensive celebrity clinics. And you'll get the same high quality nutritional supplements and purifying detoxification regimens available in Europe. But only at the Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic will you be able to experience coffee enemas from around the world, prepared by the same highly trained baristas you have come to expect at any Starbucks coffee shop!
Coffee enemas from around the world!
We know you will love your visit to the Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic, but don't take our word for it.
 |
"I've never felt more alive than after visiting the Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic and trying the coffee enemas from around the world. I just know you will love them. I've tried them all. Today! Ahhhhhhhh!" -Spooner Jenkins Mayor of Belvidere, Nebraska |
Here is just a taste of what we have to offer!
Italy
-At Aspen of Hollywood, health is always on the menu. And there is simply no better way to remove unwanted toxins from your body than with a classic Italian espresso enema. Say arrivederci to stress and buon giorno to the new you!
Turkey
-A popular Turkish proverb says that coffee should be "as black as hell, as strong as death and as sweet as love." This thick brew is usually served after meals from a long-handled copper pot called a cezve, but at Aspen of Hollywood it is pumped past your anal sphincter using a clear plastic tube.
Denmark
-Some say that Denmark consumes more coffee than anywhere else in the world. In fact, coffee is such a vital part of the Danish culture that packed cafes can be found on nearly every corner. Now this traditional Danish brew can be packed into you!
France
-The French begin the day with their café au lait, coffee with hot milk served in a mug wide enough to allow the dunking of baguettes or croissants. At Aspen of Hollywood, you can begin your day pretty much the same way, except that we recommend fasting for 24 hours before, and 12 hours after, your enema.
Cuba
-Cubans like their coffee strong, and they take it early in the day, after meals and pretty much at every opportunity available. Cuban coffee is served in shots and best enjoyed with others. At Aspen of Hollywood, you can socialize during a communal Cuban coffee enema with friends and neighbors, or reserve a private enema suite for the height of luxury.
Saudi Arabia
-In Saudi Arabia, coffee drinkers closely follow rules of etiquette. Elders are always served first. We follow strict protocols at Aspen of Hollywood as well. Senior citizens receive a 5% discount for all enemas and enema related products, reservations are required and there are absolutely no cameras allowed. So leave your smart phones at the front desk!
Ethiopia
-In Ethiopia, the birthplace of coffee, traditional coffee ceremonies are a distinguished part of the culture, with the brewing and serving process lasting up to 2 hours. Coffee enemas at Aspen of Hollywood can last anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours, depending on your toxin load and how long it has been since your last session.
Greece
-The Greek frappe is a frothy ice drink made with Nescafe instant coffee. It's best enjoyed in an outdoor café. You can enjoy your Greek coffee enema while people watching outside on our private rooftop deck!
Wait, there's more!
There are many more international coffee enemas to choose from, including Irish coffee, Mexican Café de Olla, Dutch kaffee and Austrian mélange. And of course our own Starbucks brand coffee from right here in the United States will also be available.
We expect big things at our original Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic in downtown Seattle. But don't worry. Plans are already underway to open up additional clinics all over the county.
But why wait? For a limited time, all regular Starbucks locations will offer our at home coffee enema kits. We know it won't compare to the experience of visiting an Aspen of Hollywood clinic, but it's the next best thing!
*This advertisement was paid for by Globodyne Industries and the Medical-Industrial Complex. All hail Maximus VII!
1 comment:
I was asked to leave Starbucks the other day. All I did was ask for a coffee enema. You'd think that girl in the drive through had never seen a butt before. Sheeze
Post a Comment