THE HEALTH PATROL
with Mitch Rangler
When you hear someone at a restaurant ask about "gluten-free" options, do you immediately think of a life devoid of enjoyment and meaning. An existence where every day is better than the next and the only relief will come with the sweet release of death? Well, you would only be half right. Fully apprenticed Nutritionologists are trained to design a diet plan that shifts the focus away from what you can't eat to all of the delicious and healthful foods you can shove down your obese American gullet. But what is gluten, and why are people who can't eat it such assholes?
What is a gluten?
A gluten is a protein often found in wheat, rye and barley. It's a structural protein that gives many popular foods like pizza dough, and California pizza dough, a distinctive chewy texture. Gluten proteins are a composite of gliadin, glutenin and pure concentrated evil.
Where is gluten found?
Gluten can be found in a surprising number of places. Anything made with gluten containing grains will contain it. Even beer, imitation crab meat and ice cream might have hidden pockets of the protein, probably put there by Monsanto. Though known best for giving elasticity to foods, gluten is also used in the manufacturing of a variety of cosmetic and hair products. But if you don't catch gluten sensitivity from foods or eating lipstick, some experts believe that gluten can even be transmitted via respiratory droplets, electromagnetic fields and contact with Italians, who are usually lousy with the stuff after hours of making fresh pasta.
How does gluten make people sick?
Once gluten gets into your system, it's probably too late for you and your family. The key is preventing exposure in the first place. Gluten insensitivity often starts in the genes for most people because of its autosomal dominant inheritance. Intolerance, which can be triggered by stress and lack of attention from a boyfriend or co-worker, occurs when the body's immune system begins to attack the lining of the intestines. This leads to poor absorption of nutrition and a variety of vague symptoms like painful hair and itching of the teeth. Though not a living organism itself, gluten's misfolded protein can propagate itself by inducing errors in the folding of other proteins it comes into contact with. Eventually it will find its way to the brain tissue where the gluten will encapsulate itself in a hard shell. In this state, gluten can remain dormant for years.
What are the symptoms of gluten intolerance?
The symptoms of gluten sensitivity manifest differently depending on the host's life experiences and willingness to admit that they are powerless over the gluten, and that their lives have become unmanageable. Some may simply have mild abdominal discomfort while others may remain asymptomatic despite eating a diet which consists primarily of fried dough, fatty meats and diet Coke. Researchers are currently working on a vaccine using the congealed blood of these resistant individuals.
|A patient in the Pediatric Gluten Sensitivity Ward at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia|
What can Nutritionology do to help?
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist is often able to reduce symptoms and even completely cure gluten intolerance. Many plant and animal parts have been proven to be effective, such as sea cucumber relish and echidna spine extract. But probably the most important aspect of our holistic management is strict lifelong isolation from others humans. Conventional medicine has made millions containing patients in extended care facilities, creating a generation of gluten babies that will never function normally in society. Nutritionology promotes home isolation.
I'm Mitch Rangler, and this has been The Health Patrol.