Cutting Edge Homeopathic Journal Comprised of Nothing but Tweets.....

Berkeley, CA- A new peer reviewed journal, Expert Tweets on Homeopathy, is poised to revolutionize the way that up-to-the-minute findings of homeopathic researchers are communicated to practitioners in the field.

"A long running issue in homeopathic practice, really all forms of medical practice to be fair, is that the people on the front lines of healthcare don't truly have access to up-to-date information on new evidence," world renowned homeopathy communicator Denny Pullman explains. "We think because a new treatment recommendation is in this month's issue of Homeopathy, it is truly current. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. In the world of homeopathy, we follow where the evidence takes us and leave ineffective therapies behind...like all the time."

Homeopathy, a healing practice discovered in 1796 by German physician Hans Diffendorfer, involves the treatment of illness using natural remedies that stimulate the innate healing powers of the human body. Proponents, like Pullman, believe that this vital energy is a powerful force for healing mankind's ills and has absolutely no risk. He uses his unique gift for communicating to travel the world explaining the merits of homeopathy:

"Homeopathy is similar to taking an herbal remedy only instead of using an actual herb, a bottle of alcohol and water is briskly walked near an herb or other ingredient, and then given a stern look. The only real risk is if life saving homeopathic consultation is deferred while a patients wastes time seeking out care from a conventional doctor."

Subscribers to the journal will receive updated issues, handsomely bound in dragon scales and unicorn horn, every ten to fifteen minutes. Naturally, various spells of protection will be cast upon each issue in order to prevent unlawful reproduction. Knudsen's News has received special permission from the Grand High Order of Homeopaths to provide a few examples of the expert tweets included in the first issue of the journal, which began distribution this morning:

Grimes, Frank (@Grimeopathy). "It's insane how much healing is going on today! I dropped some 30C natrum muriaticum on a rash and boom. Three weeks later and it's not any worse!" 30 September 2013 08:15

Codswollop, Mortimer J. (@Homeopowerful). "When patients present with nose drain and pharyngodynia, I use 100C aconite. Sounds excessive but works in only 7-10 days!" 30 September 2013 09:38

McNamara, Stort (@waterislife11). "I made up some 10X pulsitillla and some 15C rhus toxicodendrum but mixed up labels. Both patients died. I'm scared!" 30 September 2013 10:01

Makers of Popular Energy Drink Turn to Infant Formula.....

Fuschl am See, Austria-Not satisfied with the inability of regular infant formulas to vitalize the body and mind, Red Bull GmbH, the eponymous producer of an energy drink that is popular with college students and young males around the world has set its sights on infants under a year of age.

"We're going to revolutionize the infant formula market with our new Baby Red Bull Extreme," company founder Dietrich Mateschitz explained. "Parents are sick and tired of infant formulas that don't provide vital substances that have been lost by their babies during times of increased mental and physical exertion, while also reducing harmful substances. With Baby Red Bull Extreme energy formula, which comes in both powder and ready to feed varieties, you get both!"

But helping young humans to maximize their concentration and reaction speed is only one aspect of Mateschitz's plan. "My goal is for all babies around the world to benefit from our scientific advancements in energy formulas. Every single one. Only then will humanity reach its true potential as shepherds of our Mother Earth!"

According to the Baby Red Bull Extreme website, their formulation has been scientifically designed to be as similar to human breast milk as possible, with a few additions that Mateschitz claims add up to more than the sum of their parts. "Sure breast is best, if it's all that is available. Like if you are in some kind of depressing third world country or something like that. But only Baby Red Bull Extreme provides these growing children with the taurine, glucuronolactone, caffeine, acesulfame K and aspartame that their bodies need on a daily basis."

Infant nutrition experts have expressed concern regarding the addition of infant energy formulas, like Baby Red Bull Extreme, to a child's diet. Farahilde Obermoser, a pediatric clinical nutritionist at Rot Stier General Hospital in Vienna believes that a diet consisting of a significant amount of Baby Red Bull Extreme infant energy formula might not be the right choice for some families. "Sure we would all like for our babies to achieve their full genetic potential, and they definitely would on this formula, but not all parents love their children enough to make sure that happens. And not every parent is cool enough."

Australian Chiropractor Performs Intrauterine Spinal Adjustments.....

Sydney, Australia- When Radin Thomlinson is born next month, healthy and strong despite having at one point been diagnosed with a number of spinal subluxation while still in his mother's womb, it will be in no small part thanks to a cutting edge chiropractic therapy known as an Open Fetal Spinal Adjustment (OFSA).

"When Radin's mother was referred to me by her Primary Chiropractic Practitioner, after discovering an unusual number of subluxations during routine surrogate muscle strength analysis, I had to do something fast," Chiropractic Surgeon Rod Burlingame explained. "Just one prenatal subluxation can be disastrous to an unborn child, and this baby was riddled with them. So After confirming the diagnosis with high-resolution fetal fluoroscopic imaging, I got to work."

Dr. Burlingame, who received his Diplomate in Chiropractic Open Fetal Spinal Adjustment from the Australian Chiropractic Association's Board of Chiropractic Specialties' Intrauterine Spinal Adjustment Division's Subdivision of Pediatric Chiropractic in 2005, has performed this delicate procedure at least twice before. "This is what that grueling weekend session at the Courtyard by Marriott in Wagga Wagga was designed for. Once I'm in there, the training takes over."

Once Baby Radin's mother is anesthetized using an ancient blend of acupuncture, hypnosis, intravenous propofol and inhaled isoflurane, Dr. Burlingame will make a horizontal incision in the lower abdomen. This will allow for exposure of the uterus and subsequent hysterotomy, which will provide access to the baby for correction of his subluxations. After the spinal adjustments are performed, he will be returned to his mother's uterus and the amniotic fluid replaced with organic water and Noni juice.

Pediatricians and conventional surgeons have voiced concerns over the safety and necessity of intrauterine spinal adjustment, even going so far as to claim that chiropractors have no place in hospitals or performing high-risk procedures. In response, president of the Australian Chiropractic Association Marcelle Jones says that all chiropractic treatments are safe for children regardless of their gestational age. "Chiropractic care can be remarkably gentle and amazingly effective," Jones revealed. "Being a university-trained spinal health expert allows the chiropractor to change their techniques to suit the abnormalities and location of each individual patient."

2012 NCCAM Data Reveals New Leading Cause of Fatigue .....

Bethesda, MD- During a press conference held today at their headquarters in Bethesda, officials from the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) announced that preliminary data from a landmark 2012 study shows that chronic fatigue syndrome may have taken the place of insufficient sleep as the most common cause of fatigue in America.

“To many in the scientific community this will likely come as a complete shock and it is going to be met with skepticism,” NCCAM Assistant to the Travelling Secretary Embeth Guzman explained. “But to other, less close-minded physicians and researchers, particularly those fighting on the front lines of integrative healthcare, this is a validation of the years spent working to raise awareness of alternative health issues.”

The NCCAM, which is the federal government's lead agency in investigating alternative healing modalities and unconventional diagnoses, has issued a nationwide call for medical professionals to be on the lookout for a number of less familiar but potentially deadly conditions that may present simply as fatigue. In fact, according to Guzman nine out of the ten most common causes of fatigue in adults are conditions not fully accepted by mainstream medicine. “It is now time for all of us in the medical field, regardless of our personal beliefs, to come together and fight these scourges of humanity. I don’t want to come off as an alarmist here, but the lives of millions of Americans are at stake here.”

The following is the updated list of the leading causes of fatigue in America:

1.   Chronic fatigue syndrome
2.   Chiropractic subluxations
3.   Candida hypersensitivity/overgrowth
4.   Adrenal fatigue
5.   Wilson’s Thyroid Syndrome
6.   Insufficient sleep
7.   Morgellon's Syndrome
8.   Engram infestation complex
9.   Chi stagnation/obstructed meridians
10. High-fructose corn syrup ingestion
11. WiFi allergy
12. Radon exposure
13. Toxic mold
14. These damn kids!
15. Stress

The NCCAM study, which ran from January through December of 2012, involved a randomized, double-blinded, placebo-controlled questionnaire filled out by nearly 100 Bethesda area residents according to lead author Harken Marrow. Marrow, who is a clinical instructor of chakra cleansing at the Rising Sun Holistic Healing Education Academy, which also served as the primary recruitment center for the study, was very impressed with the quality of the study design. "After using a number of complex statistical analyses, the preliminary results were voted on at a meeting of the top minds in complementary and alternative medicine. Yeah, the science and the math really speak for themselves on this one. And in the world of integrative medicine, it’s all about the science.”

Study Shows Most Americans Getting Medical Information from Shampoo Commercials.....

Raleigh, NC-Researchers at North Carolina State University looking into where Americans obtain medical information, announced today that 80% of US adults cite shampoo commercials as their primary source. Coming in second in the survey with 19% was the Maury Povich show, which was the most popular source for questions relating to parenting and DNA testing.

The findings, based on telephone surveys of over thirty thousand men and women over the age of eighteen, are sending shock waves through the medical community. "The dramatic rise in the number of adults turning to shampoo commercials to update themselves on chronic medical conditions, disease prevention strategies, and even information on when to seek acute care, is alarming," explained lead investigator Dr. Mort Fishman. "I'd love to be able to learn how to have shiny, lustrous hair, and how to manage Type 2 Diabetes in one convenient place as much as the next physician, but I don't trust patient care to Pert Plus or Garnier Fructis."

The shampoo industry, who had received word of the report prior to the official announcement, isn't rolling over. A. G. Lafley, CEO of Procter and Gamble, has already issued a press release attempting to counter some of the statements made by the NCSU researchers regarding the legitimacy of health information acquired from shampoo commercials. "You know, it seems like our information was good enough when Pantene practically wrote the book on the cardiovascular sequelae of atherosclerotic renal disease, or when Clairol Herbal Essences discovered the link between the BRCA1 gene and breast cancer. This is just a bitter bald guy trying to make a name for himself with flimsy evidence and poor reasoning."

Make-A-Wish Foundation® Recipient Learns Valuable Lesson in Hydrostatics.....

Phoenix, AZ- Classmates of 7-year-old Phoenix native Timmy Waddleton, who suffered from a rare and untreatable allergy to oxygen, learned a valuable lesson in hydrostatics today when the Make-A-Wish Foundation® recipient drowned in a swimming pool filled with chocolate flavored Jell-O instant pudding.

"Kids are natural scientists and this is a wonderful example of the excitement that can come from using real world applications of scientific principles as part of the educational process," Jim Hope, principal of New Frontiers Elementary School, explained. "Timmy loved science and, unfortunately, pudding. He was a good kid if not a strong swimmer."

The Make-A-Wish Foundation®, which has been been granting wishes to children with life-threatening medical conditions since 1980, is no stranger to wish related fatalities according to Make-A-Wish National Board and Executive Committee chair Robert J. Bigler. "This one kid wanted a pet lion. It didn't go well but we all came away from the experience with a deeper understanding of the predator-prey relationship and the complexity of introducing a wild animal into human society so, you know, there's always a silver lining."

Historic Chiropractic Conference Clarifies Causes of Vertebral Subluxations.....

Mosteroy island, Norway- Having emerged triumphantly from the historic Utstein Abbey on Mosteroy island in Norway, Chiropractor Frank Grimes announced to a hushed crowd of thousands an updated list of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation.

"No longer will chiropractors clumsily fumble around in the dark," Dr. Grimes explained. "We may now call upon the shining light of expert consensus to show our patients the path to better health!"

Not since the 1996 meeting of the Association of Chiropractic Colleges, when the definition of the vertebral subluxation was solidified and a golden age of manipulation ushered in, has there been such a huge leap forward in the field. Now, in addition to knowing that a subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health, chiropractors around the world will have an improved framework for what causes them. They hope that this new found knowledge will lead to improved subluxation prevention and the saving of countless lives.

The following is a list of the categories of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation complex, and some common examples as determined by the almost 100 chiropractors representing the European Society of Chiropractry, the European Academy of Chiropractology, the European Society for Intensive Chiropractic Medicine, the American Academy of Chiropractic Engineers, the International Union of Concerned Chiropractors, the World Chiropractic League, and several additional related societies. These included the Eastern Michigan Chiropractic Dinner Club, the Southern Chiropractic Dentists of America Society, Chiropractic Anonymous and local chiropractor Ulf Petersen:

T1. Major physical trauma - Falling down stairs, being run over by a truck, vaginal delivery
T2. Moderate physical trauma - Sneezing, watching a tennis or ping pong match
T3. Mild physical trauma - Eating, breathing, a light breeze

C1. Major chemical trauma - Smoking, alcohol, pollution, pharmaceuticals
C2. Moderate chemical trauma - Nutritional deficiencies, caffeine, processed food, food allergies
C3. Mild chemical trauma - Heartburn, hot tub set to > 90F, offensive odors

E1. Major emotional trauma - Divorce, death of a spouse or child, verbal abuse such as from an employer, psychological abuse such as when a new acquaintance begins to slowly adopt your mannerisms and style of dress in a sadistic attempt to replace you in your circle of friends
E2. Moderate emotional trauma - Loud noises such as gunfire or accidentally knocking over a lamp or stepping on a squeaky dog toy when trying to sneak out of the apartment without waking up your roommate who we all know is kind of a jerk and your friends don't like him
E3. Mild emotional trauma - quieter noises like soothing whispers from a lover or the beating wings of a hummingbird in a nearby English garden, guilt such as that associated with forgetting to put the toilet seat down or to put gas in the car when you were the last person to use it and it was practically running on fumes

Miscellaneous - Gypsy curses, if your child were to step on on a crack or line (only applies to women), spontaneous human subluxation

Failing Galactic Economy Leads to Increase in Alien Adductions.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy- As the number of planets suffering the effects of the ongoing economic downturn grow on an almost krebly basis, ruling Overlord of the Supreme Galactic Senate Zorg XII has begun pressuring member civilizations to bring human adduction plans up to full speed earlier than the planned Smarch deadline.

"We have reached a point where the luxury of human medical research subjects, acid mine laborers, and game for recreational hunting has become a financial burden that we just can't afford," Commerce Droid BX-419 explained. "To feed, clothe, and sterilize a single human for just one flort cycle costs nearly two remlangs, which is significantly more than the total expenditure of transporting it back where it came from."

The failing galactic economy has been blamed on the financial policies of Overlord Zorg XII, known by his billions of subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and World Eater. "Sheesh, I invest the galactic treasury in one alpaca farm and these guys are calling for my borgle on a plate!"

Cosmeceutical Industry Running Out Of Ingredients.....

Phoenix, AZ- Cosmeceutical researchers at the prestigious University of Phoenix announced today that if current trends of worsening global climate change continue, the world may be depleted of novel ingredients for use in anti-aging creams, facial moisturizers, hair conditioners, nail rejuvinators, holistic bio-protectors and topically applied body detoxification by the year 2020.

"This is something that the entire cosmeceutical industry needs to be very concerned about," lead researcher Dr. Robert Bibble MD, ND, DAOM, RD, who is both a certified herbal psychologist and a certified Naturopathic midwife, explained. "As it is we are pretty much down to just yak urine and pigeon droppings. It isn't ideal."

But while Dr. Bibble is calling for industry-wide regulations on the number of new ingredients allowed per product, some experts aren't buying into his doomsday scenario of a world where cosmetic products contain only active ingredients with legitimate evidence for their safety and efficacy. Azriel Peterson, clinical cosmetician and director of Body Essentials Day Spa in Sedona isn't concerned at all. "We are pioneering the field of nano-cosmeceuticals, which are are formulated with proprietary, state-of-the-art, nano-technologies such as dynamic intradermal nano-vehicles. Our nano-cosmeceuticals implement innovation in a nano-formulation of previously exploited botanicals and natural active ingredients. We'll be able to milk this stuff for decades."

Sad Childless Couple Pushes Dog Down Playground Slide.....

South Burlington, VT- Citizens of South Burlington watched helplessly today as childless couple Steve and Lucinda Shields forced their 60 pound mixed breed dog Snickers down a playground slide in the hopes of finding some small measure of relief from the crushing sadness of their failing 6 year marriage.

"Seeing Snickers come down that slide, and the look of pure joy on his face was a real treat," Lucinda Shields explained. "It almost makes it all worth it, you know. All these wasted years. With him."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of dogs on slides during his 50 years in South Burlington. "Dogs come and dogs go around here. People move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963. I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Area Picnic Ends in Kale Induced Bloodshed.....

Brookline, MA-As authorities interviewed witnesses and attempted to sort through and identify body parts, a police spokesperson addressed a growing crowd outside Waldstein park, confirming that another area picnic had ended in kale related bloodshed.

"We see this kind of thing in Brookline all the time, but this was different," city police sergeant Jim O'Malley explained. "The quinoa riots of 2010. That time the Hubway was out of bikes. But there were kids playing here today. Just honest to God good kids, playing."

Although details are few, it appears that the violence erupted when a local parent brought non-organic, non-locally grown kale to a potluck picnic for children attending a nearby preschool. But why would such a seemingly minor insult lead to such an extreme response? Local chiropractor Frank Grimes has a theory.

"All it takes is the introduction of a mind altering toxin like high fructose corn syrup, maybe in a beverage containing less than 100% pomegranate juice or a tray of McDonald's cheeseburgers that were contributed ironically."

Several children remain missing and authorities have released their names and pictures in the hopes of quickly reuniting them with loved ones. Thankfully, most of the children had chips with GPS tracking capabilities implanted at birth, allowing anyone with an iPhone 5s to locate them. If anyone has any information on the location of the following children, please contact the Brookline police department. Also if found, their parents ask that you not give them anything with gluten in it.

Atticus Sinclair Finley, age 3
Odin Barnaby Jones, age 3
Bouden Wainright Temple, age 8
Persephone Elizabeth Sinclair, age 2
Allegra Bistro Franz, age 11
Zanzibar Bacon Lewis, age 4
Klondike Elizabeth Shue, age 6
Elizabeth Elizabeth Hauck, age 9
Seven Eleven Cumberbatch, age 15 months
Abercrombie Sorbet Colette, age 8

Advertisement: Starbucks Holistic Health Clinic to Offer Coffee Enemas From Around the World.....

The Following is a Paid Advertisement for the Starbucks Aspen of Hollywood Holistic Health Clinic*

Do you have decreased energy, depressed mood, or difficulty shedding unwanted pounds?

Having trouble falling asleep or staying awake?

Not getting the most out of life?

Love experiencing exotic beverages from around the world?

Finally, there is a holistic health clinic for you!

The Starbucks Coffee Company Proudly announces the grand opening of their Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic.

Why holistic health? And why Starbucks? It's simple. We live in a toxic world. There are chemicals in our water, heavy metals in our food and electromagnetic fields in our air. We also live in a hectic stress filled world. And after unnatural drugs, stress is the number one killer.

But you don't have to suffer from even one of the many health problems caused by those nasty toxins. You don't have to stress...about stress! You can choose to improve your health now and forever! And you deserve delicious coffee and coffee based beverages made with only the finest of ingredients, with a variety of choices to satisfy even the most picky of coffee lovers.

Trust us, this is not an ordinary holistic health clinic. Sure, our excellent staff of trained professionals will pamper you while offering the same tests and treatments you'll find in those expensive celebrity clinics. And you'll get the same high quality nutritional supplements and purifying detoxification regimens available in Europe. But only at the Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic will you be able to experience coffee enemas from around the world, prepared by the same highly trained baristas you have come to expect at any Starbucks coffee shop!

Coffee enemas from around the world!

We know you will love your visit to the Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic, but don't take our word for it.

"I've never felt more alive than after visiting the Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic and trying the coffee enemas from around the world. I just know you will love them. I've tried them all. Today! Ahhhhhhhh!"

-Spooner Jenkins
Mayor of Belvidere, Nebraska

Here is just a taste of what we have to offer!

Italy
-At Aspen of Hollywood, health is always on the menu. And there is simply no better way to remove unwanted toxins from your body than with a classic Italian espresso enema. Say arrivederci to stress and buon giorno to the new you!

Turkey
-A popular Turkish proverb says that coffee should be "as black as hell, as strong as death and as sweet as love." This thick brew is usually served after meals from a long-handled copper pot called a cezve, but at Aspen of Hollywood it is pumped past your anal sphincter using a clear plastic tube.

Denmark
-Some say that Denmark consumes more coffee than anywhere else in the world. In fact, coffee is such a vital part of the Danish culture that packed cafes can be found on nearly every corner. Now this traditional Danish brew can be packed into you!

France
-The French begin the day with their café au lait, coffee with hot milk served in a mug wide enough to allow the dunking of baguettes or croissants. At Aspen of Hollywood, you can begin your day pretty much the same way, except that we recommend fasting for 24 hours before, and 12 hours after, your enema.

Cuba
-Cubans like their coffee strong, and they take it early in the day, after meals and pretty much at every opportunity available. Cuban coffee is served in shots and best enjoyed with others. At Aspen of Hollywood, you can socialize during a communal Cuban coffee enema with friends and neighbors, or reserve a private enema suite for the height of luxury.

Saudi Arabia
-In Saudi Arabia, coffee drinkers closely follow rules of etiquette. Elders are always served first. We follow strict protocols at Aspen of Hollywood as well. Senior citizens receive a 5% discount for all enemas and enema related products, reservations are required and there are absolutely no cameras allowed. So leave your smart phones at the front desk!

Ethiopia
-In Ethiopia, the birthplace of coffee, traditional coffee ceremonies are a distinguished part of the culture, with the brewing and serving process lasting up to 2 hours. Coffee enemas at Aspen of Hollywood can last anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours, depending on your toxin load and how long it has been since your last session.

Greece
-The Greek frappe is a frothy ice drink made with Nescafe instant coffee. It's best enjoyed in an outdoor café. You can enjoy your Greek coffee enema while people watching outside on our private rooftop deck!

Wait, there's more!

There are many more international coffee enemas to choose from, including Irish coffee, Mexican Café de Olla, Dutch kaffee and Austrian mélange. And of course our own Starbucks brand coffee from right here in the United States will also be available.

We expect big things at our original Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic in downtown Seattle. But don't worry. Plans are already underway to open up additional clinics all over the county.

But why wait? For a limited time, all regular Starbucks locations will offer our at home coffee enema kits. We know it won't compare to the experience of visiting an Aspen of Hollywood clinic, but it's the next best thing!

*This advertisement was paid for by Globodyne Industries and the Medical-Industrial Complex. All hail Maximus VII!

Reflexology Researchers Discover Really Long Nerve That Just Goes Everywhere.....

London- During a press conference held today outside the headquarters of the World Federation of Reflexological Sciences in London, reflexological anatomists announced the discovery of a really long nerve that pretty much just goes everywhere.

"Despite thousands of years of successful treatment with reflexology, the mechanism of action has eluded us," lead researcher Gerald Fitzwilliam explained. "There has been a great deal of skepticism regarding posited explanations so far, but this should put that to rest."

Ancient reflexology wisdom tells us that there is a life force, or chi, that flows throughout the body, and that the feet serve as a nexus point. With this in mind, the feet have long been targeted by practitioners of reflexology as a means to influence this life force in an attempt to restore balance and improve health. Modern reflexlogy rejects traditional vitalistic explanations, believing that manipulation of the feet impacts the nervous system rather than any magical healing energy. All proponents, however, argue that focusing on specific areas of the foot will allow healing in related areas of the body, and that this relationship is fixed and reproducible. Until now, there has been no scientific proof of the connection between the feet and other areas of the body.

The discovery of what Fitzwilliam has called the corpus totalis nerve changes that. "Finding a nerve that leaves the foot and has connections to, as far as we can tell, everywhere else in the body provides wonderful scientific support for the practice of reflexology. Using our keen powers of observation, we knew that a physical structure had to connect the foot to the spleen, to give just one example. I have to admit, being validated feels pretty good."

   

NASA Pretty Confident Giant Robot Space Spiders Are Not a Threat to Organic Life.....

Washington, D.C.- In response to concerns raised by American citizens after announcing the development of giant robot space spiders in August, NASA scientists held a press conference today to calm fears of any possible humanity threatening implications.

"We would like to reassure all Americans, and the global community, that there is almost no chance that an army of robot spiders with near limitless artificial intelligence is going to wipe out all organic life in the galaxy," lead developer Samuel Jones explained. "The spiders are simply here to help us and have no interest whatsoever in our delicious mineral resources."

If anything, according to NASA administrator Andrew Cooper III, the sentient mechanical juggernauts are beginning to show human tendencies towards reason, compassion and the development of highly advanced weaponry. "You know, I wouldn't have believed it when this project first got off the ground, but these gentle examples of the true power of human scientific ingenuity actually volunteered to help run the computer simulations that prove they will never harvest our bodies for energy. They seem eager to learn all about us, an unexpected trait that we at NASA find simply adorable."

Integrative Scientists Discover Animal Model for Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity.....

Phoenix, AZ- Integrative scientists working at the University of Arizona held a press conference today to announce the discovery of an animal model for the condition known as electromagnetic hypersensitivity.

Unable to leave her specially constructed metal housing unit for fear of feeling tired or suffering from muscle aches, Mitty Bolton has spent the past five years waiting for news like this. "I just can't believe that they did it," the 43-year-old cat owner explained with the use of two cans connected by a string while completely covered in magnetic shielding foil. "My dream is to one day be able to turn my electricity back on and reconnect with the world. You know, go buy a book at Borders or catch an Amy Winehouse concert."  

The integrative research team at the University of Arizona, composed of a crack team of chiropractors, acupuncturists and naturopaths, are optimistic. “This is the kind of scientific breakthrough that truly might lead to a cure for patients suffering from this debilitating illness,” lead integrative researcher Belt McCummings explained. “Now the hard part of working out the pathophysiology and response to various therapies can begin.”

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is a condition caused by the exposure to electromagnetic fields (EMF) in sensitive individuals, and is thought to affect about 5% of the population. EMF can be found around anything powered by electricity, and in particular is concentrated in areas with wireless internet, cell phones and baby monitors.  According to Dr. McCummings, patients typically complain of a wide variety of symptoms, such as fatigue, sluggish thinking, feeling stressed or depressed, poor sleep, prickling or burning sensations, unexplained aches and pains and many other non-specific health problems. 

Until now, complementary and alternative scientists have been forced to study the disease in patients, many of which have been unable to pay in cash. A suitable animal model, just like those often used by "western" medical researchers to help investigate emergencies like broken bones and severed limbs, which is all that stuff is good for anyway, has long been sought after. One has finally been found, and in a very unlikely place: Burbank. Just sitting right there this whole time.  

There is no reliable diagnostic test or cure, but a long and diverse list of of therapies have shown promise. Avoidance of EMF altogether, or at least the placement of special shielding in the home, is commonly attempted but difficult and expensive. Acupuncture, chiropractic and dietary changes are popular with many patients but none have stood out as a definitive cure. Psychiatric therapy and even pharmacologic interventions have also been tried but they are unnatural and gross.

Dr. McCummings, who in addition to his work as an integrative researcher is also a practicing doctor of Naturopathy, always keeps an open mind. “Integrative research is full of surprises. Like how the animal model for electromagnetic hypersensitivity is so similar to the one for so many of the other conditions that I treat. But what could the connection between Wi-Fi allergy, chronic Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and Wilson's temperature syndrome be?” 

Emergency Chiropractic Technician Refuses to Give Up on Heart Attack Victim.....

Belvidere, NE- Chiropractic paramedic Frank Grimes refused to stop providing spinal adjustments during the attempted resuscitation of a Belvidere man today, despite his fellow emergency chiropractic technicians having given up on any chance of restarting the elderly man's heart.

"I kept screaming, not today Maynard, not today," Grimes revealed. "I saw my team packing up the Activator and the Pro-ArthroStim, even putting the DRX9000 spinal decompression device back in the truck, but I just couldn't believe it was his time to die."

90-year-old Maynard Wilks, well known in the community both for his uncanny longevity and for his second place finish in the town's yearly pie bake-off each of the past 53 years, was later determined to have died from a subluxation of the second thoracic vertebra despite the application of multiple high-velocity, low-amplitude impulses to the transverse process by Grimes. "That subluxation was probably there for decades. I guess we can't save 'em all."