Friday, June 12, 2015

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Lazy Ribosome Syndrome.....

What is lazy ribosome syndrome?
Lazy ribosome syndrome, also known as LRS, is a collection of various signs and symptoms that results when ribosome function falls below what is necessary for the signs and symptoms not to occur. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged protein synthesis, it can also arise before, during, or after acute or chronic illness. 

Do you suffer from signs and/or symptoms?

As the name suggests, LRS occurs when ribosomes are unwilling to work as designed by our Lord and Savior. LRS then presents as signs or symptoms that are not relieved by conventional medicine and are not caused by a clearly identifiable ailment such as scrofula or plectal derangement. You may look and act relatively normal despite having lazy ribosomes, and you may not have any obvious signs of physical illness like runny nose or a prehensile tail, yet you stumble through life with a general sense of ennui. LRS sufferers often have to use coffee and other stimulants just to get through their dull and seemingly pointless lives.

LRS is not scrofula!

Lazy ribosome syndrome has been known by many other names throughout the past century, such as Pappy's lament, The Downtown Shakedown, Cribbage Brain, and Reverse AIDS. And although it affects billions of people in the U.S., Puerto Roco, and America 2, which was formally known as Europe, conventional medical doctors will laugh and spit in your face and then send you home to die every time.

Tired of doctors spitting in your face?

LRS can ruin your life. In the more serious cases, the ribosomes are so lazy that you may have difficulty getting out of bed or masturbating more than three times each day. With each quartile of reduction in ribosome activity, your friends and family will come to despise you more and more. Changes occur in your body's ability to maintain homeostasis, equilibrium, and synergy of backwards overflow. Many other alterations take place at the chemical, cellular, and bioquantum levels in an attempt to compensate for the decrease in ribosomal function. Your body will eventually dry out, becoming a fragile husk that will ultimately crumble into a fine powder and blow away in a gust of wind.
What causes lazy ribosome syndrome?
Lazy ribosome sydrome occurs when your ribosomes are unable to meet the protein synthesis demands of your active and rewarding lifestyle. Ribosomes produce new proteins by combining amino acids, but don't be scared by the name. They aren't actually made of acid and can't disfigure your face or melt down the dismembered body of your neighbor's dog. We need need new proteins whenever our bodies are exposed to oxygen, take in nutrition, or sleep. If protein synthesis is inadequate, it's only a matter of time before signs and symptoms set in.

That dog was asking for it!
During an LRS crisis your ribosomes still function, but are too lazy to maintain optimal protein synthesis because they have had it up to here with your exposure to any number of toxins, glutens, and ribosome disruptors produced in the bowels of Monsanto's secret laboratory on Skull island. It might occur with just one really horrible exposure, such as eating a genetically modified sandwich or standing next to Paul Offit on a subway. Or it can be caused by chronic or repeated insults to your muladhara chakra that have a cumulative effect.
Who gets lazy ribosome syndrome?
Anyone can experience lazy ribosome syndrome at some time in their life. An illness, being alone in your house and hearing a loud noise in the other room and thinking for even just a moment that someone has broken in, or an ongoing exposure to people who let their kids run around the restarant unsupervised. These difficult situations can make the ribosomes of even the most important celebrity as lazy as a non-celebrity. There are factors that can increase your risk, however. These include certain lifestyles (unnatural diet, drug (illicit or prescribed) use, poor sleep, shopping at Target, chronic illness or repeated infections such as scrofula, feeling trapped or helpless such as when in a toxic relationship, stressful job, jail, or that place where poor people get their coffee...Starbucks!

How common is lazy ribosome syndrome?
Although statistics have been supressed by the Medical-Industrial Complex, Dr. Bohannes Jonnanon, an expert who specializes in LRS, said in 1969 on the street outside a taping of the Dick Cavett show that he estimated that approximately 99.6% of the public could be classified as having the condition. And this was three decades before 9/11. 
How do I know if I have lazy ribosomes?
You may be experiencing LRS if you regularly notice one or more of the following:
  1. You feel tired for no reason that you can think of or accept
  2. You have trouble getting up in the morning, even when the Reverend has forgotten to tighten your leg shackles 
  3. You are feeling rundown or overwhelmed by the most recent episode of Game of Thrones
  4. You have difficulty bouncing back from stress or illness.
  5. You crave salty or sweet snacks.
  6. You feel more awake, alert and energetic after 6PM than you do all day at the job you hate
God damn Walder Frey!!!
What else should I be afraid of?

The processes that take place in life, from birth to the sweet release of death, place demands on your ribosomes. Therefore, it is likely that if you are also suffering from another life-related condition such as sensitivity to wind or storchus. Also, any time a medical treatment includes the use of unnatural synthetic compounds, ribosomes can become lazy because they are like, "What am I, chopped liver?" 

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss treatments of LRS and cutting edge research into the condition that is giving hope to billions of sufferers. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

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