ACGME Fitbit App Allows Tracking of Residency Work Hours.....

Chicago, Il- The Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education (ACGME), a private, non-profit organization somehow responsible for the establishment and enforcement of accreditation requirements for medical residency and fellowship programs, has announced the development of an iPhone based application for use with the Fitbit activity tracker that will monitor and log work hours, procedures performed, and even Press Ganey patient satisfaction scores.

Generation 7 Robotic Compliance Officer "Rick", shown here managing the enforcement of the 16-hour intern maximum duty hour requirement with a legion of Generation 5 and 6 compliance officers.

"The ACGME takes its role in the development of reasonable policies and guidelines extremely seriously," Generation 7 Autonomous Robotic Compliance Enforcement Officer "Rick" explained. "My primary directive is to reduce resident and fellow fatigue, which plausibly might play a role in hospital medical errors, and to...Phase 2 information requires clearance, please state access code. You have ten seconds to comply."

The application, which will be mandatory for all residents and fellows, will also meter out appropriate punishment on both an individual and program level when infractions occur, which some residents aren't happy about. Mort Fishman MD, a pediatric resident planning to specialize in MOC compliance, is worried that use of the new Fitbit application will violate house staff privacy. "There isn't any evidence that work hour restrictions have improved patient safety and there is certainly no evidence that this new ACGME Fitbit app is...Rick, Rick is that you? But how? I can explain. Rick! No Rick! I can...please I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Rick!!!"

Experts Predict Global Shortage, the Last Days of Mankind.....

New York- Scientific experts from across the globe met today at the United Nations to reveal the concerning findings of a decade long study looking into the availability in the years to come, and the results are worse than feared.

The weakest among us, shown here enjoying a yearly birth ritual before the days of the global shortage, will be the first to face the acid mines. Many will beg for the sweet release of death and end up condensed into protein gruel for the masters.

"This isn't an outcome likely to happen just in some areas of the world," lead researcher Pat Wattam explained. "We've run every possible scenario, crunched the numbers in every way possible. Pretty soon there just isn't going to be any left, anywhere."

In reaction to the report, many people are beginning to stockpile in preparation for shortages and rationing. Some, like survivalist Jeremy "Mountain Goat" Watkins, predict that this will be the first step on the path to the eventual extinction of our species. "I've seen it before. First it's annoying to not have any. Then the frustration sets in. Then anger. Finally, the realization that there's never going to be any more. That's when the first bombs start to fall. That's where we make our final stand."

Hospital Pacifiers Confiscated in Largest Boston Binkie Bust to Date.....

Boston, MA- Massachusetts General Hospital has announced the discovery of a hidden cache of more than one hundred individually wrapped pacifiers, the largest binkie bust since earning a Baby-Friendly designation in 2011.

A pacifier addicted older infant, like the one shown here sucking on a binkie he found on the ground at the park, has a 60% chance of being a complete asshole, like a total asshole that nobody can stand to be around, not even his mom.

"This haul was part of a six-month sting by hospital lactation authorities," Chief of Lactation Security Wilma Eversnatch explained. "These pacifiers would have resulted in thousands of non-nutritive "sucks" and more nipple confusion than a heteronormative male cis-tween at a Ru Paul concert."

Despite the discovery of the illicit pacifiers, which were recently declared as a Level 11(C) carcinogen in the International Agency for Research on Cancer's Breast is Best Committee's biweekly Liquid Gold newsletter, there is still work to be done. According to Chief Eversnatch, MGH is working on hospital-wide policy changes to advance their Baby-Friendly designation all the way to Formula-Frenemy level. "We must focus our efforts and take advantage of the current momentum to limit the rising tide of formula acceptance in our hospital."