Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hospital Pacifiers Confiscated in Largest Boston Binkie Bust to Date.....

Boston, MA- Massachusetts General Hospital has announced the discovery of a hidden cache of more than one hundred individually wrapped pacifiers, the largest binkie bust since earning a Baby-Friendly designation in 2011.

A pacifier addicted older infant, like the one shown here sucking on a binkie he found on the ground at the park, has a 60% chance of being a complete asshole, like a total asshole that nobody can stand to be around, not even his mom.
"This haul was part of a six-month sting by hospital lactation authorities," Chief of Lactation Security Wilma Eversnatch explained. "These pacifiers would have resulted in thousands of non-nutritive "sucks" and more nipple confusion than a heteronormative male cis-tween at a Ru Paul concert."

Despite the discovery of the illicit pacifiers, which were recently declared as a Level 11(C) carcinogen in the International Agency for Research on Cancer's Breast is Best Committee's biweekly Liquid Gold newsletter, there is still work to be done. According to Chief Eversnatch, MGH is working on hospital-wide policy changes to advance their Baby-Friendly designation all the way to Formula-Frenemy level. "We must focus our efforts and take advantage of the current momentum to limit the rising tide of formula acceptance in our hospital."

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