Experts Warn Parents to Avoid Black Market Ultra Absorbent Diapers.....

Irving, TX- Citing new researcher from the Kimberly-Clark Institute for Applied Absorbency (IAA), authorities are warning parents to avoid black market ultra absorbent diapers available for sale online and from disreputable brick-and-mortar sources in a growing number of U.S. cities.

A toddler, shown here wearing an ultra absorbent black market diaper mere seconds before collapsing to the ground in a pile of bone dust, teeth, nails, and hair

"This is a serious issue that parents and pediatric healthcare professionals need to be aware of," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "When we tested one in the lab, we were like, this can't be happening. But it was. It's true. All of it. The diapers, the insane absorbency, they're real."

Thanks to the team at IAA, federal authorities may finally have a smoking gun in their investigation of a growing number of infant and toddler disappearances over the past several months. Lead IAA researcher Hanz Gladstone believes that the illegal ultra absorbent diapers are so powerful that children are being literally absorbed to death. "Around the lab we refer to the diaper's wetness indicator as the blue line of doom. A postdoc lost a hand just trying to put one on a research mannequin."

Mort Fishman, MD, FAAP, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Infantile Incontinence, is calling for the media to help raise awareness of the nasty nappies. "Parents should only purchase Federal Diaper Association approved products. They should never sacrifice the safety of their children for the siren call of a dry baby bottom."