Connected Eating is Growing in Popularity and Farmers are Baffled.....

Sacramento, Northern California- When Central Valley farmer Jim Jabernathy walks through his fields every morning, he expects to find the occasional mouse or corn possum. But since the Spring thaw, he has been on the lookout for something he considers to be an even greater pest: people. Calling themselves "connected eaters", believers in the latest diet fad are growing in numbers, and this is leaving farmers like Jabernathy no choice but to take drastic measures.

A child connected eating blueberries straight from the bush, shown here mere moments before being mauled to death by an enraged mother bear. The bear, whose confused cub had been following the child's mother and eating blueberries straight from her pail, was oblivious to this children's literary reference.

"I thought I'd seen it all from folks 'round here," Jabernathy explains. "I've seen a lot of fad diets in my time, from paleo to those people who won't eat anything with chemical bonds. My daughter even started strafing last year. But this just beats all. Just yesterday I had to run off about thirty of 'em from my best kale patch! They were like locusts."

What is connected eating? And why are farmers installing razor wire fences and therapy/perimeter defense badgers? Proponents are quick to point out that eating connected food has numerous health benefits, but are they worth the risk? Proponents think so. But why? And how? What?

Connected eating involves the consumption of unharvested food that is still attached to the plant. Believers say that simply eating unprocessed and raw whole foods isn't enough. They want to experience the severing of the food's connection to it's life source, to absorb its essence. Some proponents liken the experience to Earthing, the science of connecting to the Earth's natural energy in order to achieve vibrant health.

Dietary Folklorist Allen Levitzky, author of Food Tribes: How What We Eat Defines Who We Are, is an expert in fad diets. He sees connected eating as just the next step in mankind's dietary journey. "The belief that nature holds the key to health and longevity has been around since the first caveman looked at the world around him, not with fear, but with curiosity and hunger. I like that. Use that one."

Farmers aren't the only ones that are concerned about the connected eating trend. Medical experts, like Sacramento Interventional Culinologist Mort Fishman, warn that it may increase the risk of foodborne illness and blood levels of toxic pesticides. "I drive though a lot of farmland, and every week I see them crawling around on their hands and knees covered in dirt and partially chewed spinach. This is what we've become. Just mindless animals."