Science Communicator Neil deGrasse Tyson Proposes New System to Prevent Future Social Media Blunders.....

New York City, NY- Popular astrophysicist and science communicator Neil deGrasse Tyson has announced a plan to prevent future social medial blunders by running his tweets by the female postgraduate student chained to the radiator in his basement.

Neil deGrasse Tyson, shown here contemplating the mysteries of the universe and the effectiveness of soundproofing his basement.

"I now realize that my words, even if scientifically accurate, can be hurtful," the Hayden Planetarium director and Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey host explained. "I'm asking for patience as I dedicate myself to personal growth and a better understanding of the complexities of human emotion."

The 60-year-old Grammy Award winner had recently apologized for an August 4th tweet where he seemed to scold society for an emotion driven excessive focus on the number of victims in the El Paso and Dayton mass shootings. Some experts, like cognitive emotional psychologist Mort Fishman, believe that Tyson is going through a crucial period of development. "It's clear that Neil is open to change and I believe that's why he kidnapped this woman in the first place. Let's give him some space to figure this all out. I said space...because he's talks about space a lot. Do you not get it?"

Paci-Vape Manufacturer Denies Marketing to Infants.....

San Francisco, CA- When confronted with concerns over inappropriate marketing tactics during a congressional hearing this week, Paci-Vape manufacturer Happy Baby Labs, Inc. executives vigorously denied targeting infants.

A cool baby, shown here using a Paci-Vape e-cigarette while listening to the latest hit from Jeremy Renner, star of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and that Jeep commercial

"At no point in the history of this company have we ever attempted to entice infants into using one of our sugar infused pacifier vaping products," Happy Baby Labs, Inc. founder Jewel Snively explained. "It isn't our fault if they are naturally curious and ignore the prominent warning labels stating that our pacifiers are not for babies."

The Paci-Vape e-cigarette brand is extremely popular among infants, with a market share of nearly 90%. Only blu binky has managed to carve out a small corner of the market, largely because of its prominent role in the 2017 hit film The Boss Baby. Pediatric health experts, like Happy Baby Labs, Inc. medical consultant Mort Fishman, point out that the health effects in infants are unknown. "We don't know how these products effect infants. The studies just haven't been done. Could they prevent SIDS? Maybe."

MIT Scientist Develops First Functioning Neutrino Detector Detector.....

Cambridge, MA- A researcher at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge has developed the first functioning neutrino detector detector.

A terrifying glimpse into a future where detector detector technology is used by military forces to seek out and destroy detectors deemed dangerous by world governments. Who detects the detector detectors?

"I got the idea when Steve lost his neutrino detector," Philm Anderson, Associate Chair of the Department of Outer Space and General Studies explained. "We looked everywhere, even under the couch cushions at his mother's house where we found it last time, and finally I'm like, we should just make a detector...with science."

Despite successfully finding Steve's neutrino detector behind the dryer in his mother's basement, critics are questioning the use of the detector detector. Some, like Galaxina Cosmopolis at SLAC National Accelerator Laboratory in Menlo Park, are raising privacy concerns. "On the one hand, I'm relieved that Steve found his neutrino detector because he worked really hard on it. On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with the thought of detector detector technology falling into the wrong hands."

Language Experts Celebrate Anniversary of the Spontaneous Appearance of French.....

Des Moines, IA- Experts in the development of languages around the world are celebrating the spontaneous appearance of the French language on this day in the year 1683.

A field of sunflowers near St. Chambord believed to be where the French language was discovered just sitting there in 1683 

"One minute it wasn't there, and the next it was," Hanf Dandlepuff, Director of Linguistics at the Greater Des Moines Church of the Bible, explained. "And I bet people were surprised. Really surprised!"

Just how and when the several different known languages developed is a controversial area of research, with a perfectly balanced line of division between proponents of spontaneous appearance and believers in a more gradual process involving small changes to ancient proto-languages over time. Jim Balhoff, a biolinguistical engineer who owns his own computer and responded to my email, doesn't accept claims that languages simply came into existence fully formed in their current state. "Languages aren't like animal species, which we know sometimes do just fall from the sky and instantly establish a role in an ecosystem. Languages are far more complex than a caterpillar, or a different kind of caterpillar...a fuzzy one or maybe one with those spikes all over them. I can't ignore that kind of evidence."

White House Confirms President Trump's Perfect 2019 March Madness Bracket.....

Washington, D.C.- During a press conference today, Press Secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed that President Trump has the only remaining perfect bracket in the White House staff March Madness pool.

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, shown here reacting to the implication that President Trump's preternatural ability to analyze complex data and his uncanny powers of intuition may not be enough to beat the 1 in 2.4 trillion odds of picking a perfect March Madness bracket

"Obama filled out a bracket every year that he was in office and never got them all right," Sanders revealed. "Last year he very wrongly picked Michigan State to win the tournament. Michigan State didn't even make it to the finals. This was just one of many failures for a broken man whose presidency will undoubtedly go down as the worst in recorded history."

According to Sanders, not only has Trump picked the winner correctly through the first 48 games of the tournament, he has also predicted the final scores. Some reporters in attendance admitted skepticism of the Press Secretary's claim, which led to a heated exchange. "It's true, you know it's true, and he will release his bracket once the tournament is completed. Frankly this kind of dissent is un-American, and it may even be treason. This is something that President Trump is looking into right now."

More American Newborns are Being Lost in Hospital Pneumatic Tube Systems.....

Houston, TX- When Bamanda Ellis delivered her first baby at a premiere academic birthing center in Houston, the last thing she expected was to go home without her child. But instead of driving off with a car seat full of hopes and dreams for the future, Bamanda and her husband Tab had a tracking number and a promise to be notified as soon as their baby was found. Their child had joined a growing number of newborns being lost in hospital pneumatic tube systems across the United States.

"Seeing those little bastards fly by just makes my day."
-Fred Grimley, Facility Engineer at Cleveland's Hospital for Mothers, Babies, Etc.

Pneumatic tube systems are a standard technology in large healthcare facilities. When seconds count, rapid and reliable delivery of blood products, tissue samples, and medications can literally save lives. But according to a recently published report from the Office of the Surgeon General, 7% of newborns are lost in these popular delivery systems every year, the majority of which were born prematurely and at a low birthweight for their gestational age.

"It might take a nurse or transport team ten to fifteen minutes to move a critically ill baby from point A to point B in this facility," Neep Gunderstone, an expert in neonatal logistics at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women. "The sooner that a lifesaving intervention can be initiated, the better the outcomes tend to be. And in the rare cases where a neonate is lost, they have usually just been tubed to the wrong station and we typically find them within 3-5 business days."

Though a common practice in large neonatal intensive care units and nurseries, it is not without its critics. According to United States Surgeon General Jerome Adams MD, this century-old technology needs to be updated before being used to transport patients. "Frankly it's embarrassing. I keep telling them not to use the tubes for that."

Thankfully the story of the Ellis family has a happy ending. Their child was eventually found in the radiology reading room and returned to the worried parents. And according to the relieved new mother, there may be a surprising silver lining. "I know he's just a week old, but I think he really learned a lot down there. Just imagine, my baby...a radiologist."

NASA Experts Expect Magnetic Field Reversal Any Day Now.....

Fargo, ND- Experts from the North American Space Association have announced that a reversal of the planet's magnetic field is imminent.

Two Boy Scouts, shown here using compasses while working on their Human Game merit badges and mere seconds before receiving an uncomfortable congratulatory back rub

"We expect an interchange in the positions of magnetic north and south to begin any day now," NASA Chief John J.J. Schmidt explained. "The effects aren't going to be sudden or catastrophic, but it's going to be a bumpy ride, folks."

The polarity of the Earth has changed randomly numerous times in the past, the last being less than a million years ago. And it can happen relatively quickly, even within a human lifetime according to Schmidt. "While many people will not notice any changes at first, it will become clear once the polarity fully reverses."

The most immediate difference will be noticed when using a compass for navigation. The reversal of magnetic North and South will require some adjustment, but shouldn't be much of a problem for most of us, reassures Schmidt. "The real problem will be the shift in Up and Down. People crossing the equator will continue to be torn in half."

Chiropractic Paleontologists Question Mechanism of Dinosaur Demise.....

Davenport, IA- Researchers from the Palmer College of Chiropractic Paleontology are questioning the scientific consensus on the demise of the dinosaurs 66 million years ago.

"Certainly the 7.5-mile-wide asteroid that crashed near Chicxulub, Mexico played a major role," Dennis M. Marchiori, D.C., Chancellor of the Palmer College of Chiropractic explained. "But the theory that a massive cloud of dust caused global cooling and wiped out plant life just never made complete sense to us as an ultimate cause of widespread extinction."

A fossilized Struthiomimus altus, shown here demonstrating a death pose caused by subluxation in the C6 and L5 vertebrae.

The team of spine-based paleontologists at Palmer College were faced with a difficult question. If the dinosaurs weren't killed by a lack of food or a sudden and drastic change in climate, what could have wiped them out along with 75% of life on Earth? According to lead researcher Frank Grimes, D.C., it turns out that the answer was right in front of them all along.

"Using the latest computer modeling techniques kept telling us what we already knew couldn't be true," Grimes revealed. "It wasn't until we took a step back and remembered our training that the answer became clear."

Chiropractic paleontology is a highly specialized field that focuses on the alignment of fossilized spinal bones in order to determine organ system function and the general health of extinct vertebrate species. According to Grimes, the impact from the asteroid would have undoubtedly caused an immensely powerful shock wave that would have rattled the bones of even the largest creatures on the planet. "In our chiropractic training, we learn that even minor falls might result in a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes in the spinal column, and there weren't any veterinary chiropractors around back then. At least we can say that it wasn't a painful extinction. Those scaly bastards probably just slipped away in their sleep."

CBS Announces the Reboot of the Magnum, P.I. Reboot as a Mid-Season Replacement.....

New York City, NY- CBS has announced the mid-season replacement of it's reboot of the classic crime drama series Magnum, P.I., which originally ran from 1980 to 1988, with a reboot of the reboot which first aired last September to mixed reviews.

"The first Magnum reboot just isn't drawing in the number of viewers we anticipated," Kelly Kahl, President of CBS Entertainment, explained. "But we are determined to get this right, even if it takes a reboot of the reboot of the reboot."

Alison Brie, shown here at the recent SAG Awards with contest winner Dave Franco, is set to star as Thomasina Magnum in the new Magnum P.I. reboot reboot

Over the past several years, television viewers have seen networks try to breathe new life into a number of old programs, sometimes even bringing back original cast members for maximum nostalgia. Most of these attempts at recapturing magic have failed, while some, such as Fuller House on Netflix and the animated Golden Girls prequel on NBC, have done well. According to Kahl, it is very rare for a show to return for a second reboot, however.

"We know we've got the potential for a hit on our hands, we just need to put the pieces together in the right way," Kahl revealed. "In the 2nd reboot, Magnum is a single mother with an adorable kid who is just a whiz with computers, and she helps her solve the crimes...so the stories practically write themselves."

Although Kahl is banking on a better response to the updated update of the original show, which starred the hunky Tom Selleck as private investigator Thomas Magnum, he says that his team is sketching out possible additional reboot ideas. "Maybe Magnum could be transgender, which is something that hasn't been done yet on a prime time show. Or Higgins could be a ghost, or a talking helicopter. I've got a lot of great ideas."

Republican Lawmakers to Install High-Frequency "Mosquito Alarm" to Prevent Loitering Youth in Congress.....

Washington, D.C.- House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy announced today that Republican lawmakers plan to place an electronic device somewhere in the south wing in order to discourage loitering by unruly young Democrats.

Crotchety III, shown here celebrating his 1918 election victory, remembers when they didn't let brown people even run for Congress let alone win.

"These young people with their scary new ideas," Republican Ebenezer Crotchety III explained from the smoking lounge while sipping from a snifter of brandy. "Harrumph! Hold on, my monocle seems to have fallen into this plate of tapioca pudding."

The device, known as a "Mosquito alarm", will be set to 17.4 kHz and 108 decibels. According to McCarthy, the buzzing noise will be inaudible to Republicans but will be extremely uncomfortable for younger members of the House of Representatives, possibly even causing dizziness, headache, and nausea. "We haven't put it to a vote yet, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be under Ocasio-Cortez's chair."

Area Child Killed by Unwieldy Backpack.....

Lexington, KY- Chiropractic Pediatricians are warning parents of the dangers of heavy backpacks after a 5-year-old Kentucky kindergarten student died from total spinal collapse (Accordion syndrome) on Friday.

Kentucky backpack victim Clarinet Applebee's, shown here mere seconds before her entire spinal column collapsed.

"We are seeing massive numbers of children with early-onset back, neck and shoulder pain," American Pediatric Chiropractic College (APCC) President Scott Shaw explains. "Backpack stress also impairs the function of spinal nerves, which can lead to organ malfunction. Death is still a rare outcome, but I expect to see more as backpack engineers continue to focus on load bearing capacity rather than safety."

Historically, backpacks were only about the size of a loaf of breast or a small poodle, and were only able to carry a small textbook, a few notebooks, and perhaps a calculator before tearing. Using synthetic fabrics and space age metamaterials, modern backpacks can easily handle several full size books, a laptop computer, a full pencil case, and a mellophone. Combined with the popular trend of single shoulder carriage, kids with heavy backpacks are often just one Trapper Keeper away from catastrophe. In fact, a study conducted near Harvard found that the typical American child carries the equivalent of an adult bull elephant to school every day, and that nearly all of them will eventually admit to experiencing back pain at some point in their lives.

As the crisis continues to worsen, some states are proactively passing laws to compel schools to act. According to Shaw, legislators in nearby Tennessee recently voted to install scales at all school entrances, and if a backpack weighs more than 10% of the child's body weight, an alarm will sound and a designated staff member will assist the child in carefully removing heavier items. "Nobody wants to wait until after we've had to dig mass graves for toddlers to do something about a problem."

The APCC has released a list of questions so that parents and teachers can identify children effected by heavy backpacks and seek appropriate chiropractic care:

1. Is your child/student complaining of headaches, neck or back pain, or intermittent fullness of the bladder or bowels.
2. Does your child/student have difficulty paying attention at home or in school, sometimes becoming distracted by more interesting objects or activities?
3. Has your child/student ever had any medical problems involving absolutely any part of their body?
4. Does your child/student's entire body lean to one side, seemingly defying the laws of physics like in those old V8 commercials?
5. Has your child/student's spine begun to collapse and expand over and over again like an accordion?