Zombies Eat More Than 10% of Your Brain, New Research Finds.....

Baton Rouge, LA - Scientists working out of the Zombie Division of Louisiana State University's Department of Neuroscience held a press conference today to announce the results of a year-long study of zombie behavior, some of which appear to refute a widely held belief that zombies only eat 10% of your brain.

Recently turned zombie Senator Mitch McConnell, shown here disappointed by the lack of delicious brains at a recent Republican press conference 

"These results may come as a shock to the millions of humans who believe that reanimated individuals only eat 10% of their victims' brains," lead researcher and lumbering type zombie Greg Stinson explained while chained to a podium at the event. "This exhaustive examination reveals that we actually eat most of your life-sustaining human cerebral tissue. It's true that some parts may be more delicious than others at a given time, but given the opportunity we would eat the whole damn thing. Now if there are any volunteers, I would be happy to demonstrate. I kid, I kid."

Dr. Mort Fishman, a fast-running zombie neurologist practicing in the area, has questioned the 10% myth for years. He revealed from a containment pod in the Department of Neuroscience's underground facility that the new study is a nice confirmation of his skeptical stance, but predicted that it is unlikely to change many of the superstitious beliefs about zombies that are so prevalent among humans and walkers alike:

"It doesn't help that post-deceased cranks and charlatans will likely continue to push zombie self-help books and mental exercises with unproven pseudoscientific claims that sound impressive to the gullible and uneducated undead out there. I've learned over my many years as a zombie neurologist that anecdotes are unfortunately often more persuasive than any scientific study. Also I've learned that brains are delicious and that I would very much like to eat all of your brains.

Not all of the study's findings are as straightforward, however. Dr. Stinson and his colleagues at LSU noticed an odd trend that has become the focus of their next research effort. "Zombies like me have an insatiable appetite for brains. This is an undeniable fact. But I look at a chiropractor or a Republican and...nothing. Just nothing." 

Vinay Prasad Announces Plans for Children's Book About COVID-19 Pandemic.....

San Francisco, CA - Dr. Vinay Prasad, a world renowned physician and internet user at the University of California San Francisco, has announced that his next project will be a children's book focused on the government's catastrophic response to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Author and lil' rascal Vinay Prasad, shown here up to no good as usual, will also be teaming up with ZDoggMD for a live puppet show depicting a healthy teenage boy suffering from vaccine-related myocarditis

"Our response represents a total failure in our duty to think of the children," Prasad explained in an X on X that I was blocked from viewing seconds after completing this interview. "Children are, in no uncertain terms, our future. They deserve to be taught well, but also, and this is based on several randomized controlled trials, they should be allowed to lead the way, perhaps only eased by a sense of pride given to them by us, the adults."

Prasad's upcoming book, titled Cora's Coronavirus Conniption, will take the reader on an educational journey of discovery through the eyes of 5-year-old Cora, who is experiencing the early months of the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic in California. Robert Kennedy Jr., in a leaked foreword to Prasad's book, describes a harrowing tale of hardship and ultimate redemption. "By pushing back against the masks, the quarantines, and the vaccines forced on her friends and family by government leaders, society, and our Big Pharma overlords, this child demonstrates more bravery than seen in millions of adults in this country."

In anticipation of the popularity of the book, a follow-up to Cora's Coronavirus Conniption is already in the works with RFK Jr. planning to collaborate. According to Prasad, the sequel will find Cora in her teens and living in a Faucian dystopia. "In a valiant struggle to change the past, and fix the future, Cora goes back in time to seek advice from Anne Frank in the days leading up to her arrest by German authorities. Anne is shocked by what she learns and the two become fast friends as they devise a plan to prevent the developmental delays now seen in millions of masked children."

Health Experts Weigh In On BMI Usefulness.....

Atlanta, GA - As the backlash against using a patient's body mass index, or BMI, to guide healthcare recommendations is making the news, some medical experts are speaking out in an effort to add clarity to potentially confusing situation.

Chiropractor Frank Grimes, shown here performing a targeted and specific spine lengthening maneuver in order to lower his patient's future BMI, has prevented thousands of cases of pediatric obesity

"The BMI was never based on good science," CDC obesity researcher Chip Beaconsfield explained. "It doesn't take into account a patients muscle mass, genetics, diet, exercise habits, or socioeconomic background and places emphasis on weight rather than an overall healthy lifestyle. It has almost certainly caused more harm than benefit for many patients."

Not all health experts agree with tossing the BMI into the dustbin of medical history. Frank Grimes DC, a pediatric chiropractor who specializes in the prevention of childhood obesity, believes that there are two sides to the story. "BMI is weight divided by height but people always seem to forget about the denominator. With specialized chiropractic care, and by following my recommended "Optimum Height" lifestyle modifications, these children experience vertical enhancement that keeps their BMI in the safe range."

Heartbroken Family Sues Alternative Healer After the Loss of Their Child.....

Nafplio, Greece - After the tragic loss of their youngest child earlier this year while on vacation in Greece, a grieving American family is taking an alternative healer to court.

Brabara Bloodstone, host of the E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker, is working with the Danders family to contact their missing daughter, who got Back to the Futured after her mom did some time reiki

"We were on a magical European vacation that we had been planning for years," Sandy Danders explained. "I saw the Balrog clinic by the beach and just thought that it would be a fun experience to tell people back home in Boise. I didn't think it would cost us our little girl."

The clinic, run by Level 7 Time Reiki Master Jam Balrog and located near picturesque Arvanitia beach in Nafplio, is the only place in the world where a patient's current medical complaints can be cured by treating them in the past. According to Balrog in an interview for a recent Knudsen's News profile, his goal is to treat minor problems before they have time to become severe. "I had so many patients coming to see me after their health problems had been digging in for years...That's when I discovered time reiki and established my clinic here in Nafplio, just a few steps from Arvanitia beach."

Balrog's revolutionary approach to healing builds upon a foundation of traditional reiki, an ancient technique that involves the channeling of subtle, yet immensely powerful, human energy. Practitioners learn to access this energy through touch, by placing their hands close to the patient's body, or when sitting in their basement in a different state. After intense training over a minimum of 1 to 2 weekend classes at an airport Howard Johnson, practitioners learn to activate innate restorative processes. But with great power comes great risk, and there are a few potential downsides to reiki, especially time reiki.

In one study, published in an issue of The Vitamin Shoppe's Amazing Wellness magazine, reiki-related deaths were found to have increased by almost a quartile from 2007 to 2014. The lead author estimated that as many as 3 to 4 thousand people, animals, and plants are injured each year at the hands of incompetent reiki practitioners. With time reiki, the potential adverse outcomes are infinite and entirely unpredictable.

In the case of the Danders family, the potential for time reiki to cause unforeseen mayhem became painfully clear when their 3-year-old daughter Mandy began to slowly fade away. Dan Danders, Mandy's father, described the ordeal in court records made public today. "She's right there in front of us eating applesauce and she drops the spoon. Toddlers drops spoons all the time. But then I can see the back of her chair. I mean, I could see her and the back of her chair at the same time. She was...transparent. And then she was gone."

While it isn't exactly clear how Sandy Dander's time reiki session with Jam Balrog lead to the removal of Mandy Danders from the present just as Dan Danders was watching her eat...I think it was oatmeal? But there is a leading hypothesis. According to time expert Dr. Mort Fishman. Applesauce! It was applesauce. Fishman says that this was a completely foreseeable tragedy. "Mucking around in the past is bound to have potential repercussions in the present. It's a new timeline and anything goes. Have you ever heard of the The Butterfly Effect? Great movie. I don't know what it is, but Ashton Kutcher has it!"

Proctor & Gamble Announces New Line of Single-Use Deodorants for End-of-Life Care.....

Boston, MA - Gillette, an American brand of safety razors and other personal care products owned by the multi-national corporation Proctor & Gamble, has announced a new line of single-use prescription strength deodorants for compassionate use by men seeking to end their lives with dignity, and without embarrassing armpit odor and wetness.

A man, shown here self-administering Gillette's new single-use deodorant in full compliance with the criteria under Oregon's Death With Dignity Act

"When we say single use, we really mean it," Proctor & Gamble Executive Chairman David S. Taylor explained. "A single application of our odor fighting synthetic nanoparticle-infused deodorant is going to last you for the rest of your life, and we believe that decisions about how long that may be are best left up to our customers and their medical providers."

According to Taylor, Proctor & Gamble has one singular-focused goal with the new Gillette product line. "End-of-life care is very important to us and we believe that all of our customers deserve the best that they can get, one peaceful transition at a time. Our precision-formulated deodorant features triple protection technology that provides prescription strength sweat protection, powerful odor prevention, and a subtle yet comforting scent for as long as the process takes."

"I sweat a lot, and worrying about embarrassing armpit stains was holding me back," Relm Spigot, a patient at the Care Dimensions Hospice House in Danvers, MA, revealed. "But now I have the confidence to end my life on my own terms, in a way that feels right to me and surrounded by friends and family."

In order to qualify for use of Gillette's Clinical Soft Solid "Peaceful Transitions" antiperspirant and deodorant, patients will have to meet criteria specific to the state that they live in, though not all states have legalized the process. In general, Taylor told us, customers must be 18 years of age or older, capable of making and communicating health care decisions, and diagnosed with a terminal illness. "We also need to receive a written request signed in the presence of two adult witnesses and confirmation by the customer's physician. And then we have to inform the customer of the possible alternatives to our product, such as soap and water, essential oils, and armpit crystals."

A Few Brave Medical Mavericks are Pushing Past Outdated Boundaries to Heal Patients Across Time and Space.....

Nafplio, Greece - Despite impressive advances in the ability of modern medicine to aid the ill and infirm, healthcare providers have been stymied by certain physical and temporal barriers since the days of Imhotep. Even Hippocrates himself, who was limited to treating patients that he could access through his 5 senses, failed to provide meaningful succor across the full spectrum of space and time. But a new generation of healers, led by a few brave mavericks, may have finally pushed through these metaphysical roadblocks.

32-year-old Krisbin Merlot, shown here undergoing a time reiki session during a vacation in Greece, felt dramatically less stressed after being cured of her constipation problems in elementary school

"I had so many patients coming to see me after their health problems had been digging in for years," Level 7 Time Reiki Master Jam Balrog explained. "Their problems were entrenched and I wanted to find a way to prevent them from ever going down that path to begin with. That's when I discovered time reiki and established my clinic here in Nafplio, just a few steps from Arvanitia beach."

Reiki is an ancient technique that involves the channeling of healing energy, often through gentle touch, from practitioner to patient. This activates innate restorative processes and, if properly performed, can have powerful effects according to Balrog. "You wouldn't believe the miracles I have witnessed. But I didn't truly begin to grasp the fundamental nature of this healing technique until I realized that it is not limited to the here and now, or even to simplistic post-Cartesian notions like cause and effect. Reiki transcends our childlike understanding of reality."

Unlike practitioners of both conventional Western medicine and traditional reiki, masters of time reiki are able to send healing energy into the past to correct imbalances before they get out of hand. Balrog, and the students that have graduated from his time reiki certification course, spend at least an hour getting to know each patient in order to find the ideal moment in their past to focus on. Each session costs between 500 and 1,000 euros, depending on how far back in time Balrog needs to send his energy, and includes a 15-minute ancient Greek massage.

One thing that Balrog makes clear to potential patients is that his services are designed to serve as a complement to their regular medical care. "What I do is miraculous, but it isn't intended to replace emergency services, healthcare, physical or psychological therapies. I don't treat cancer, for example, but if your cancer goes away after a time reiki session, and that definitely does happen sometimes, especially when I treat one or more of a patient's past lives, then I've done my job."

Treating a patient's current health problems by curing illnesses in their past may only be the first step on mankind's journey beyond the boundaries of what we thought we knew. Some experts, such as quantum gastroenterologist Mary Panda MD, are recognizing the extra-dimensional symptoms of human disease. "When I have a patient with inflammatory bowel disease, I see the diarrhea, abdominal pain, and mouth sores we are all familiar with. But I treat the whole human entity on every plane of existence, not merely the symptoms."

Scientists Unsure if Lobsters Have a Sense of Irony.....

Cambridge, MA - Lobster is an ingredient well suited to recipes from a variety of cultures and locales, from France's decadent Lobster Humidor to Germany's creamy Lobster and Sauerkraut Casserole, even the delicious lobster sundae popular on roadside diner menus in the American South. Despite its enduring popularity, a debate has been raging behind the scenes at restaurants and research facilities around the world: do lobsters have a sense of irony?

A lobster, shown perhaps at the exact moment of realization that while they were born in water, experienced water as a place of safety, and thrived in an aquatic environment, that meeting their demise in a pot full of it is kind of ironic, isn't it? I'm actually not sure.

Despite recent advances in the study of lobster neurology and crustacean social psychology, the question remains unanswered. Irony is a complicated topic, after all, and far from the easiest concept to master. Even many adult humans have trouble recognizing the juxtaposition of what on the surface appears to be the case and what is expected to be or actually is the case, even when using fully developed frontal lobes, and lobsters don't even have a centralized brain to speak of.

"The question of whether or not they [lobsters] understand irony has probably been on humanity's mind for as long as we've eaten them," Flank Abercrombie, director of Lobster Neuropsychology at the Broad Institute, explained. "They are found all over the world and can live to 50, so the thought that they haven't picked up a thing or two as a species is ridiculous in my opinion. Maybe even ironic? I think."

Do live lobsters really give a knowing shriek when they're dropped into a pot of boiling water, or is that merely the sound of air escaping from within their carapace? Do they squirm because they're in pain, or because they have been made uncomfortable by the conflict, and a growing awareness of the dramatic tension? Perhaps they recognize the situational irony but are frustrated by limitations inherent in their primitive nervous system and struggling to determine if it's an example of cosmic, poetic, or structural irony.

Abercrombie said that these questions have been debated for decades, and that the answer will ultimately be found using science. Although the most commonly held opinion among lobster researchers is that they cannot grasp irony, there is a small yet vocal group that thinks those guys are assholes. A 2005 study published in Online Publishing Module 9,982 - Crustacean Culture & Society found that crabs avoided living in areas near comedian Dane Cook, suggesting that they can, in fact, recognize terrible jokes. Brecky Grimgravy, one of the study's authors and more of a Louis C.K. fan before the whole masturbating into a potted plant thing, told Knudsen's News London at the time: "I can't really say what goes on in a crab's mind...But what I can say is that this kind of behavior goes beyond a basic reflex response and I think it's pretty clear that they know a hack that can't write his own material when they hear one."

Marine biologist and part-time culture critic for RockLobster.com Jeep Sheldrake disagrees with the conclusion that crabs, shrimp, crawfish, or even lobsters are reacting to the specific content of a stand-up comedian's set. "This could have been a simple avoidance reaction based on other factors, like Dane Cook's annoying voice or his unsettling face. And that's the real problem here. There is just no way to tell. And if that isn't true irony, then maybe I don't even really know what that word actually means."

Sheldrake does not believe that lobsters understand irony, pointing out the absence of neural pathways associated with literary criticism in mammals. "Lobsters have a primitive nervous system that is closely related to what you might find in an insect, and when is the last time you saw a grasshopper brought to tears of sadness and anger by the tragic irony found in the final scene of Romeo and Juliet? It's ironic even imagining a sad grasshopper. Right?"

Biological anthropologist Tank McBeefington, a retired professor at the College of William & Harry in East West Hampfordshire, is a firm believe in a lobster's ability to pick up on the irony in art and in life. "I'm not an expert on crustaceans or even a biologist at all, and I don't know a lobster from a giant crayfish. Also, what the hell is a scallop? But I think that the totality of the available evidence suggests that lobsters do get irony, at least as well as many humans do. But until it can be conclusively proven, we should give them the benefit of the doubt and avoid ending up like that Alanis Morissette song. You know, the one about giving Dave Coulier a blowjob."

More Hospitals Seek Heart-Friendly Hospital Initiative Designation.....

Boise, ID - In response to increasing rates of obesity and sedentary lifestyles in the United States, more hospitals are increasing their focus on helping patients to successfully initiate and continue daily exercise routines, and working towards special recognition as "heart-friendly" facilities.

Boise General Hospital patient Jan Sand, shown here using a climbing wall to reach the rheumatology clinic on the 5th floor

"Exercise, particularly when strenuous, has proven benefits and saves lives," Boise General Hospital CEO Skirt Romaine explained. "That's why we have replaced all of our elevators with climbing walls."

The Heart-Friendly Hospital Initiative (HFHI) is a program that helps hospitals in giving patients the information, confidence, and skills necessary to incorporate exercise into their daily lives. Heart-Friendly USA, Inc. is the non-profit organization that serves as the accrediting body and national authority for the HFHI in the United States. It is responsible for coordinating and conducting all activities necessary to confer the prestigious Heart-Friendly® designation and to ensure the widespread adoption of the HFHI in the United States.

The HFHI program is based on the Ten Steps to Successful Exercising, a set of practices that has been proven to increase exercising initiation and duration and that must be adhered to in order to achieve and maintain a Heart-Friendly® designation. The "Ten Steps" include two critical management procedures, such as ensuring that all hospital staff have sufficient knowledge, competence, and skills to support exercising, as well as eight key clinical practices:

1. Discuss the importance and management of exercising with patients and their families.
2. Facilitate immediate and uninterrupted access to exercise equipment and support patients to initiate exercise as soon as possible after admission.
3. Support patients to initiate and maintain exercising and manage common difficulties, such as laziness, severe illness, and sleep.
4. Do not allow exercising patients access to any sedentary activities unless medically indicated, such as an MRI or a colonoscopy.
5. Enable patients and their exercise equipment to remain together 24 hours a day.
6. Support patients to recognize and respond to cues for exercise readiness, such as alertness and the ability to move.
7. Counsel patients on the use and risks of smartphones, laptops, televisions, chairs, and other artificial devices that may confuse a patient or distract them from exercising.
8. Coordinate discharge so that patients have timely access to ongoing support and care, such as outpatient personal training and/or gym membership.

There is no question that exercising is the optimal method for movement of the human body. Over the past several decades, an abundance of scientific evidence has concluded that patients who exercise experience improved health outcomes and lower risks for certain diseases. Exercise is the natural conclusion to the development of a functional neuromuscular system and an important mechanism in the natural development of a patient.

Hospitals wield enormous influence during an admission and play a key role in exercising success. Before the HFHI program began to take hold across the US, commercial interests significantly influenced patient movement practices in ways that undermined exercising. Heart-Friendly® facilities are centers of support in which evidenced-based care is provided, education is free from commercial interests, all movement options are possible, and individual preferences are respected.

Heart-Friendly USA, Inc. aims to ensure that every patient is fully informed of the importance of exercising and has received the help they need to achieve exercising goals. According to Blenda Raff, an exercise consultant and president of Mother's Muscles, an organization that supports exercising women and advocates for laws making it easier to exercise in the workplace, the HFHI program also supports patients who don't exercise. "The program gets that exercising just isn't possible for some patients in certain situations, that inactivity is sometimes medically appropriate, and that some patients are lazy and will decide to just sit around doing nothing all day despite our hard work."

More Dogs are Waiting to Have Puppies.....

Salisbury, CT - More dogs are deciding to wait to have puppies according to a new study from the Center for Canine Behavior Studies.

Barks McCoy, a chiropractic subluxation detection dog, is shown here evaluating the results of new patient's biovibrational matrix scan before deciding on a treatment plan

"Like their human companions, more dogs from an increasing diversity of socioeconomic backgrounds are choosing to focus on their education and careers instead of starting a family," CCBS President Nicholas Dodman explained. "These are dogs with more control over their lives, who are less likely to associate being a parent with being a good boy or girl, and they are happy about being able to delay that first litter."

Some dogs are holding off on becoming parents for other reasons, such as the increasing cost of raising a puppy. Barks McCoy, a Golden Retriever who works full time as a subluxation detection dog at a chiropractic clinic in Belvidere, Nebraska, worries about rushing into parenting before he is mature enough to handle the responsibility. "I pooped on the kitchen floor today. As I sat there deciding whether or not to eat my own feces, I suddenly realized that I'm not ready to be a father. I'm just not a serious canine."

Phizer Announces New Anti-Aging Drug.....

New York - American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation Phizer has announced a breakthrough in anti-aging medicine which they expect to be available by the end of the summer.

Does Anthony Fauci take Extendor to live longer and stronger? We'll never tell. But yes, he totally does! And that's why he's America's favorite...I want to say, accountant?

"This is a once-in-a-generation advance in the treatment of human aging," Phizer CEO Albert Bourla explained "Patients taking xifendactimumorb have been found to age more slowly than the typical rate experienced by people who aren't appropriate candidates for the treatment."

Xifendactimumorb, which will be marketed as Extendor, is a pill that must be taken weekly and after completing a five kilometer run at a 9-minute mile pace or faster. Mort Fishman, a retired physician and vice president of Pfizer's Division of Immortality and Erectile Dysfunction, says that the science supports the hype. "I saw the results first hand. Many of these subjects felt significantly less old compared to similarly aged subjects who couldn't tolerate or afford the treatment."