Tatooine - After the record breaking 230th Sarlacc-related fatality this year, colonists living in settlements throughout the Dune Sea are calling for a response from local government officials.
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| A sarlacc pit located near the home of mysterious groomer Ben Kenobi, who recently ran off with that Skywalker kid, probably to sell him into sex slavery or eat his adrenal gland |
"Now is the time for grieving and remembering the lives of our dead," Imperial Governor Tour Aryon explained. "Rather than new laws, the Emperor offers his thoughts and prayers to the people of Tatooine, which I think we can all be truly thankful for, because he could have just cackled and vaporized the entire planet with a giant moon laser, and you guys know he does that. That's like his whole deal."
Not all citizens of Tattoine are satisfied with offers of thoughts and prayers from powerful but out of touch space wizards. According to Lance Harley, a Jawa who lost his mother to a sarlacc pit three years ago, the time has come for real change. "We need common sense sarlacc laws now. If I hear one more asshole tell me that sarlaccs don't kill people, Hutts do, I'm going to very slowly run over them with a sandcrawler."
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