Bethesda, MD - Scientists at the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health in Bethesda have announced the results of groundbreaking research confirming an ancient theory behind the effectiveness of acupuncture.
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| Acupuncture expert Steve Smith, shown here confirming that Subject #72 is properly blinded to whether or not he has a needle shoved into his brain before asking if his lower back pain feels any better |
"Skeptics love to point out the fact that there is no proven mechanism of action," NCCIH Director Helene Langevin explained. "Despite millennia of proof that acupuncture works for a number of medical conditions, they want to focus on a tiny issue like scientific implausibility instead of on the millions of satisfied patients. Well those skeptics won't be able to poke any holes in this study! Do you see what I just did? Because it's acupuncture."
Ever since acupuncture was discovered thousands of years ago when a Chinese peasant accidentally fell onto a porcupine and noticed that his chi was 30% less stagnant, medical professionals have assumed that it must work for some reason. According to Langevin, the study, which will be published next month in Online Publishing Module 453 - Medical Needle Shoving, finally solves one of acupuncture's greatest mysteries. "Does it really matter where the needles are inserted? Essentially, do acupoints exist? Now we know that they do."
In the NCCIH study, researchers inserted needles directly into the brains of volunteers in order to log any specific reactions unique to each location. A weak electrical current was also applied to each needle in order to add several additional paragraphs to the study's conclusion section. Langevin is calling the results historic. "Not only does this research prove the existence of acupoints, many of the study subjects reported feeling relief after the procedure was completed and their skull was stapled back together, supporting the use of acupuncture for anxiety."
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