New Study Finds Fecal Contamination in Organic Diapers.....

Franklin, TN-As more parents are turning to expensive and unproven natural alternatives in caring for their young children, a new study on diaper safety has revealed that some organic diapers may contain high levels of fecal contamination.

The study, published today in the Journal of the Medical-Industrial Complex (JMIC), evaluated randomly chosen organic cloth diapers being worn by infants in Franklin's Cool Springs Galleria, and concluded that "the observation of fecal matter, and the presence of fecal microorganisms, in significant numbers of the organic cloth diapers studied was unexpected, and lends support to claims by some experts that these products are not safe for use by human infants."

"The numbers speak for themselves," principle investigator Juanita Gomstock explained. "And it isn't just fecal material. We found yeast, fungi and large amounts of urea as well, so I can't in good faith support the use of organic cloth diapers. I just can't."

New Eyewitness Helps Area Police Close In On Wanted Fugitive.....

North Ogden, UT-Based on new information obtained by the North Ogden Police Department, investigators are searching today for a suspect in the recent spate of soiled sheets, spilled juice, crayon streaked walls, and missing items of jewelery and make-up occuring at the home of Bort and Erma Stumpwald.

"We're just exctited to finally have a lead on this case," Chief of Police Mildred Hubble explained. "Things were starting to get pretty cold until an eyewitness stepped forward with some crucial details."

Arby Stumpwald, the 3-year-old daughter of Bort and Erma, revealed to the authorities that "a pink baby giraffe climbed into my bed and went poo-poo in my bed." According to Chief Hubble, the baby giraffe likes chicken nuggets and is also a bear.

Experts Weigh in on Hannah Montana Ticket Shortage.....

Wilmington, DE-When Delaware native Cary Outman was unable to find tickets to a sold out Hannah Montana concert, despite having paid $30 to join an online fan club which had promised an edge over other fans, he was devestated.

"I would have given anything to get those tickets for my 13-year-old daughter," Outman explained. "I can't even begin to imagine the pain and suffering that she must be going through right now. While that greedy little Miley Cyrus and her lackeys are making money hand over fist, my little angel is dying a little more inside every day."

The consensus amongst child psychologists and developmental pediatricians is clear when it comes to cases such as this. Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, a doctor who has experienced first hand the long lasting consequences of the sometimes irreparable emotional trauma resulting from SDS, or Severe Disappointment Syndrome, an entity which was well described in the 1952 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders but was removed for political reasons.

"I'll never forget the stormy night that my parents refused to allow me to see Leif Garrett in concert," Dr. Fleck revealed. "It was during the many years of intense psychotherapy necessary to finally begin to piece together my shattered ego, and to take my first tentative steps toward self-actualization, that I decided to become a psychiatrist."

Dr. Fleck has devoted his life to treating children whose emotional well-being has been severely impaired by SDS. "To the abusive parents who would perpetrate such potentially devastating actions upon a developing psyche I caution you. Your children's ability to function in society is at risk every time you tell them no."

(Discussion)

Newborn Infant Declared Mean by Mother.....

Erie, PA-Erie native Sharonda Givens, who recently gave birth to a 8lb 7oz son via an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, remarked today that, based on the infant's crying during the initial attempt at breastfeeding, her baby was mean.

"That baby mean!" Ms Givens explained. "He mean. Why he crying so much? Ain't nobody messin with him."

Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, who was immediately consulted by the infant's pediatrician, expressed much concern after interviewing the baby and his mother. "Yes, in my professional opinion this baby is quite mean. At no point in my attempt to converse with him did he answer any of my questions. He was belligerent throughout the encounter, ceasing his crying only when being fed. This kind of narcissistic behavior is common in mean babies."

The baby, who will be discharged under continuous surveillance by local law enforcement, has been placed on a cocktail of benzodiazepines and anti-psychotic medications. He will also undergo weekly psychiatric evaluations until his attitude improves.

International Edition: World's Fattest Baby Now in Size 2 Diaper.....

ALEISK, Russia-When Nadia Khalina was born on September 17, 2007, she weighed in at 17.1 pounds with a BMI of well over the 95 percentile. Now, nearly two months later, the morbidly obese former neonate has, with the help of a nutrition expert, pediatric health specialist, and fitness trainer, all sponsored by Quiznos, managed to drop almost 10% of her birth weight.

"When we started working with Nadia, I really didn't think we'd have this much success so early in the program," trainer Tawny Kincaid explains. "She didn't seem to want it bad enough, you know. If you are going to drop those pounds, you've got to stay focused and keep your eye on the prize and, well, she acted like this was all a big joke at first."

Team nutritionist Nancy Cadwallader, a veteran in the business of weight loss who has helped celebrities such as Nicole Richie and Lara Flynn Boyle win their fight against obesity, knew that the first obstacle for Nadia was cutting back on carbs, and that meant breast milk. "That stuff is like liquid cheese danish. Sure its got some protein in it, and some immunoglobulins, but it also has about 7% carbs."

This aspect of the program was the most difficult according to the team. Cadwallader reveals that "There is big emotional component to eating when it comes to newborns, who often turn to the bottle or breast for comfort when they experience negative emotions, such as stress, anger, or lonliness. Some newborns want to feed simply because they are awake and bored. It's not a good pattern for them to fall into."

Next for Nadia was the focus on physical activity. Kincaid, a trainer for a number of celebrity infants, says that being unable to perform purposeful movements or to see for more than a few inches in front of their faces is not an excuse to be lazy and inactive. "If they won't move then you have to move them!" Kincaid is a proponent of core training techniques such as Infant Pilates but admits that sometimes its okay to "blast the babies biceps every now and then, especially with male infants who do appreciate a more chiseled physique."

With Nadia's dramatic weight loss comes a wide array of health benefits. Pediatric endocriniatrist Niles Drakesly, a graduate of the Correspondence College of Tampa's Upstairs Medical College, couldn't be more pleased with her progress. "Morbidly obese infants face a number of health hurdles such as lipid plugged meridians, stagnant chi, angry liver, and phlegmatism. Nadia has none of these."

Nadia, now wearing a size 2 diaper, will soon be moving to New York to begin working as the spokesbaby for Quiznos' new Slimwich line of diet subs.

(Discussion)

Parents Line Up to Buy Newest Illicit Drug.....

Chicago, IL-You've probably heard a lot of talk in the media lately about the dangers of giving over the counter cough and cold medications to young children and how the FDA has recommended that drug companies stop making them for children under 6. You may even be familar with some of the studies showing that these medications don't appear to even work when given to kids. But does any of this even matter? Are stressed mothers of snotty nosed toddlers going to stop reaching for the robitussin or triaminic?

Of course not, because in their minds these medications are the only thing that work. Only now, instead of being considered a caring parent who simply wants their child to be comfortable enough to sleep, they are now going to be labeled as criminals. As we speak, new laws are being drafted that will lock these well meaning parents up for years in some cases.

Across the nation, underground black markets are being established where suburban housewives, career moms, and stay at home dads alike can go for their fix of children's antihistamines and cough suppressants, or "drip" as they are known on the street. One such father, who I won't identify for fear of criminal prosecution, said that this is his only recourse, driving into a bad neighborhood to buy cough syrup from the same man who sells crack to prostitutes.

Local police are at a loss, suprised by the rapidity of the emergence of these so-called "drip houses" and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of traffic to them. Officer Scott Parkman of the LAPD revealed that "I guess if you've got something that until a few weeks ago was given 3.8 billion times a year legally you are going to have a problem when all of a sudden that something is labeled as off limits."

Derik Scott, who has quit dealing crack to focus on the now more lucrative drip market, couldn't be happier with the FDA's ruling. "Man, I don't know the FDA from triple A but I know that the color of snot and money is both green. I get these parents pulling up now in their SUV's with 3 or 4 kids strapped in the back, hacking up a lung and faces smeared with mucus and you can just see the desperation on their faces. And I got just what they need. Sometimes one of 'em might get scared, drive off, but I know they'll be back."

(Listen to a reading of this post by a pediatrician known as Dr. Clay on the Podcast Doctors Unmedicated)

Transformers Star Shia LaBeouf Calls for More Cootie Research.....

Burbank, CA-Heeding the call of researchers at the CDC, who discovered recently that cooties are becoming increasingly widespread among American children, popular actor Shia LaBeouf has emerged to champion the push for more research into the nature of this disease, and the drive for a cure.

"This is going to come as a shock to a lot of people," LaBeouf explained. "But I was diagnosed with cooties just last year. Yeah, they think I picked it up on the set of "Even Stevens", maybe from Christy Carlson Romano but nobody really knows for certain since she refuses to be tested to see if the strains match."

CDC researchers, such as Dr. Hammond St. Michelle, appreciate the added recognition that a star of LaBeouf's caliber brings but they are concerned about cootie research not being taken seriously. "Our understanding of cooties is so minimal at this point. We need to focus on the basics, such as how it is spread from person to person, what is the incubation time prior to the appearance of symptoms, and what can be done to treat already affected persons. We don't want this to become a game of who gave what to whom although in our scientific opinion Cameron Diaz is pretty nasty."

Tests Reveal Higher Cootie Levels Than Expected in Children.....

Atlanta, GA-During an emergency press conference held today in their Atlanta headquarters, it was announced that a recently completed CDC surveillance study involving the determination of cootie levels in a random sampling of children from across the nation revealed a significant increase.

"Then scary thing is that this increase was across the board," Lead investigator Dr. Hammond St. Michelle explained. "So we can't blame this on, say, the recently discovered increases in the number of nerds, geeks, dweebs, goobs and hyperdweebs in most regions. Some of these kids were pretty cool. Jocks, cheerleaders, homecoming queens, girls who put out on the first date, mysterious new kids with dreamy eyes and a troubled past. Nobody was spared."

Dr. Leo Trasande, assistant director of the Center for Children's Health and the Environment at the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City is very concerned higher cootie levels could lead to more childhood disease and disorders. "We are in an epidemic of cootie related disease among American children today. An effective vaccine against this scourge must become a top priority to medical researchers but I fear that the cootie shot may come too late for many of today's youth."

Elizabeth Whelan, president of the American Council on Science and Health, disagrees. "My concern about this new trend of "measuring" levels of substances in the blood that have been proven to be "deadly" is that people might begin to believe that their children could suffer some kind of harm just because similar levels have been shown to kill mice, or rats, or monkeys or something. Didn't we already go through all of this with second hand smoke?"

Local Mother Alerts Community to Halloween Death Bags.....

Silverdale, WA-Tiffany Garrett, a librarian at Silverdale Elementary and mother of 6, called in to a local radio program today to help raise awareness of the dangers that children face around Halloween.

"Most parents supervise their children while trick-or-treating so that they aren't abducted by sexual predators or hit by a car," Garrett explained. "Many are even aware of the need to inspect treats for hidden razor blades and poison. But suprisingly few parents are aware of another lurking danger that children face upon returning home."

Garrett does believe that Halloween treats can be deadly, even if they don't contain arsenic or HIV infected blood filled syringes, as is often the case these days. A simple MRI scan of your child's bag of goodies, and a run through a mass spectrometer, can rule out these concerns. According to Garrett, these basic safety checks unfortunately fall far short of fully protecting our children.

"Today's treats are chock full of dangerous, obesity causing substances such as sugar, fat, and trans fat. Studies I've heard of reveal that just one box of Nerds candies increases the risk of diabetes by 300%. And a Hershey's Minatures Mr. Goodbar decreases a child's life expectancy by 6 months. A Krackel by a full year. This is why I only give out healthy snacks and porn."

More Infants Turning to Alternative Potty Training.....

Jacksonville, FL-Despite decades of scientific advancements such as flush toilets, disposable diapers, and Diaper Genies, a growing number of infants are turning to alternative methods of potty training.

"It's easy to assume that a young infant can't toilet train since infants are small and uncoordinated, and also because they cannot walk or talk," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at a local Freecheeks Diaperless Potty Training Center, explained. "But today's saavy baby is wisely considering his or her options before diving into any one particular program, even if it is one that the majority of parents have been using these days."

Pennock further revealed that "Our method isn't for everyone, but it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their newborn to 6 month old babies have to say about their personal elimination functions. And all they will need is enough newspaper to cover the floors of their house and a garden hose. But what they won't need is any more diapers!"

Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterologist and parent of 5, isn't sold on what he considers unfounded diaper training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not.