Study Shows Teens Get Alcohol From Adults.....

Washington-Sending shockwaves across the nation, a new study released today by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration reveals that a significant percentage of the 10.8 million underage drinkers in America have been obtaining alcohol from adults, including their parents.

"We just didn't see this coming," acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson explained. "Who would have thought that these kids were turning to adults to acquire ethanol for illegal consumption. This changes everything."

The results of the nationwide survey go against the grain of current accepted thinking on the subject of underage drinking. Until now, epidemiologists had believed that teens and adults under the age of 21 were making use of an underground network of moonshine production and distribution run by adolescent hillbillies. That and atheists.

Wimbledon Officials Reach Agreement with Animal Rights Organization.....

LONDON-People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) United Kingdom announced today during a press conference held at the historic All England Club that Wimbledon organziers had promised to discontinue the use of sharpshooters to prevent pigeons from distracting tournament participants.

"We have officially confirmed that the days of senseless and unnecessary murder of our winged brethren in the skies has come to end," PETA UK spokesperson Lord Tannington Somersby of West Puddingshire explained. "Let us welcome a new age of cooperation and cohabitation with the animal kingdom!"

In place of the highly trained marksmen, a state-of-the-art but highly experimental particle beam weapon will be put into use by event coordinators. The weapon's discharge of a concentrated beam of electrons will disrupt the molecular structure of any offending birds, leading to a harmless descent into the waiting arms of PETA volunteers who will be prepared to nurse the temporarily stunned creatures back to health in preperation for their release back into the wild in a nearby animal sanctuary. Scientists estimate that the number of human casualties, made up primarily of those sitting in the bleachers underneath the device but also of anyone within a 5-mile radius that is improperly shielded, will run well into the thousands.

Addition of 17th Grain Heralds End Times.....

Prattville, AL-In a suprising development that threatens not only the future of the baked dough industry, but the very existence of mankind as well, Prattville housewife Susan Taylor achieved what many thought impossible today by incorporating a 17th grain into a loaf of her world famous Susie's Wholesome Whole-Grain.

"I really can't believe I pulled it off," Taylor explained from her thirties inspired bungalow kitchen. "I just hope that there aren't any serious repercussions for humanity."

Culinary experts, like Food Network Vice-President Bob Tuschman, have in the past expressed concern that pushing the envelope of the number of grains added to bread may be asking for trouble on a global scale. "I am seriously afraid that shoving any more grains into bread may tip the scales in the cosmic battle between good and evil and hasten the oncoming of the now unavoidable apocalypse."

Klassic Knudsen: August 28, 2007.....

College Athlete Defies Odds

Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, University of Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.

"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."

Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed that "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."

Unconventional Hospital Policy Improves Patient Care.....

Meridian, MS-The employees of Meridian's Fisk Memorial Hospital don't take life for granted anymore, and they love their jobs. Ever since management instituted a new policy of matching 401k retirement fund investments, and a bi-weekly staff member execution, morale has soared.

"We can't believe the results," Chief Medical Officer Mort Fishman explained. "I walk around and see cleaner floors, fewer medical errors and, most importantly, more satisfied patients. The staff is really on their best behavior and they are able to put more away for the future. Everybody wins."

But not all the employees are as excited about the improvements at Fisk Memorial, including Central Supply technician Hector Sanchez. "The random killings are a problem, but the benefits are really good here now. Still, I'm thinking about quitting."

New Study Reveals Health Benefits of Indoor Tanning.....

Malibu, CA-A study released today by the Darque Tan Physician's Institute for Ethical Progress shows that exposure to ultraviolet (UV) radiation from non-natural sources, such as the Darque Tan Mach 3 TANtalizer Indoor Tanning System with 32 high-pressure lamps and the X-Treme Tan Tec Filter Technology, encourages vitamin D production and decreases the risk of certain cancers.

“Our indoor tanning scienticians have discovered that UVB from indoor tanning converts cholesterol into vitamin D,” Medical doctor, Assistant Manager of Darque Tan Malibu, and Physician's Institute for Ethical Progress lead researcher Mort Fishman explains. "Now getting the vitamin D you need to survive is as easy as driving to a conveniently located Darque Tan."

The study reveals how only 5 minutes of indoor tanning is able to produce 4,000 International Units (IU) of Vitamin D, which is far more than the daily 400 IU recommeded for most people. But Fishman is concerned that recommendations based on this data may be premature. "The last thing we want is for people to think that only 5 minutes of indoor tanning is sufficient to stave off Vitamin D Collapse Syndrome. In our opinion, the safest course to take until more data is available is to visit your local Darque Tan as frequently as possible in order to build up body stores of Vitamin D."

Area Woman Offended by Nudists Seen With High Powered Binoculars.....

Westmore, VT-When local senior citizen Ezra Milroy looked through the lens of her Fujinon 150mm binoculars at the beach of Lake Willoughby's Southwest Cove today, the last thing she expected to be was offended.

"This is an absolute outrage," Milroy, who lives in a one bedroom apartment with her cats and a subscription to The American Conservative, explained. "There they were, 900 yards away and naked as the day they were born trying to push their filth on us decent folk, and to turn the innocent children of Westmore into delinquents and sex fiends."

The elderly shut-in, who hasn't been offended to this degree since witnessing the Jenkins boy feel up Constable Wilson's niece in the backseat of his Subaru Forester while parked up on Mt. Pisgah, plans to continue watching the beach. "It is my duty as an upstanding citizen of this fine town to personally witness and log each and every sweat and sand caked nook and crevice displayed by those naked heathens!"

Klassic Knudsen: August 27, 2007.....

Local Children's Hospital Purchased by McDonald's

Nashville, TN-Suprising medical professionals and fast-food diners across the nation, Ronald McDonald himself announced during a press conference today that Vanderbilt Children's Hospital has been purchased by the McDonald's Corporation. The hospital, which has long served the children of Nashville, as well as the rest of the state, will now be dishing out delicious healthcare McDonald's style. Something that, according to Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell, comes as no suprise.

"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."

Cody Carpenter, a third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."

In addition to replacing the cafeteria with one of their high quality eateries, there will be hospital wide policy changes reflecting the new administration. The executives at McDonald's, through their liason Grimace, have worked day and night along with the nurses, doctors and other hospital staff to establish a number of cutting edge approaches to medical care:

1. Instead of asking what brings you here today, doctors will now say "Welcome to Children's Hospital may I take your order?"

2. All medical terminology used at the hospital will now have the prefix Mc added to it. For example, nurses will use a McRectal thermometer to take your Mctemperature.

3. In addition to the regular medical tests and procedures, a 99-cent test menu will be available at the hospital. It will include such items as the McCBC and the McThird-Year Medical Student History and Physical.

4. Popular menu items will be liquefied for use in total parenteral nutrition.

Little Tikes Playhouse Foreclosures Reach Record High.....

Oshkosh, NE-According to an exhaustive survey of backyards and rumpus rooms across the country, the number of preschool aged children going into foreclosure on their Little Tikes Playhouses hit a record high this week, and playtime experts are predicting that the crisis will continue throughout the current year.

"All indications are pointing towards a worsening trend as more and more children ages 2 years and up with subprime loans are simply unable to make payments on their Classic Castles, Country Cottages, and Endless Adventures Patio Playhouses," Timmy Duncan, senior analyst for the Federal National Mortgage Association's Toddler Division, explained. "Their Piggy Banks are emptying fast and it is no wonder that many are turning to afternoons of crime."

As growing numbers of these houses are going into foreclosure, suburban police forces are adapting to the resulting increases in toddler crime. Many are installing child car seats within patrol car suspect transport enclosures and Fisher Price Corn Poppers are fast becoming standard-issue equipment. A race to develop profitable non-lethal methods of incapacitation and containment are being developed by both Lego and Play-Doh.

Study Links Improved Diet to Fewer Birth Defects in Pirates Babies.....

Secret Pirate Island-A new study released today by the joint Council of Pirate Nutrition and Plank Walking confirms the accuracy of mounting anecdotal reports of significant decreases in pirate birth defects seen since the 1998 inception of a number of dietary guidelines.

"We can now finally say with scientific certainty that our recommendations are actually paying off," pirate physician Mort Fishman explained. "Our data shows that among pirate babies born today there are 15% fewer peglegs, 30% fewer hook hands, and a suprising 70% drop in unilateral eye-patches when compared to buccaner infants from just ten years ago."

Known for their poor nutrition while on long voyages, and high rates of scurvy and other deficiencies in micronutrients, attempts at improving pirate health were met with much skepticism among pirate epidemiologists. But the evidence is compelling that the dietary changes begun in 1998 have led to major advances in pirate health, particularly amongst newborns. The decade old dietary recommendations include increased intake of vitamin C and folic acid, as well as reductions in high fructose grog and rancid weevil infested refined carbohydrates.