Klassic Knudsen: August 27, 2007.....

Local Children's Hospital Purchased by McDonald's

Nashville, TN-Suprising medical professionals and fast-food diners across the nation, Ronald McDonald himself announced during a press conference today that Vanderbilt Children's Hospital has been purchased by the McDonald's Corporation. The hospital, which has long served the children of Nashville, as well as the rest of the state, will now be dishing out delicious healthcare McDonald's style. Something that, according to Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell, comes as no suprise.

"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."

Cody Carpenter, a third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."

In addition to replacing the cafeteria with one of their high quality eateries, there will be hospital wide policy changes reflecting the new administration. The executives at McDonald's, through their liason Grimace, have worked day and night along with the nurses, doctors and other hospital staff to establish a number of cutting edge approaches to medical care:

1. Instead of asking what brings you here today, doctors will now say "Welcome to Children's Hospital may I take your order?"

2. All medical terminology used at the hospital will now have the prefix Mc added to it. For example, nurses will use a McRectal thermometer to take your Mctemperature.

3. In addition to the regular medical tests and procedures, a 99-cent test menu will be available at the hospital. It will include such items as the McCBC and the McThird-Year Medical Student History and Physical.

4. Popular menu items will be liquefied for use in total parenteral nutrition.