More Drug Dealers are Turning to Body Language Analysis.....

Cincinnati, OH - Drug dealers are increasingly turning to body language analysis to help find potential customers in a slumping economy.

Crossed arms with uncrossed legs indicates a powerful urge to try fentanyl, just to see what all the fuss is about

"This is a tough job," Cincinnati fentanyl dealer Joe "Soggy" Bottoms explained. "When you sign up for this, nobody tells you how hard the work is. Nobody tells you how often customers just stop coming back, I assume because they quit using."

Smiling with hands and feet open at a roughly 15 degree angle indicates being very interested in a lengthy fentanyl addiction at the expense of all other social relationships

Historically, drug dealers could just sit back and let interested people come to them. As the economy in many regions has suffered during the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic, and inflation has continued to rise, many dealers have turned to active marketing in order to stabilize income and to avoid large staff layoffs. Some have turned to marketing gimmicks, like rainbow and glitter fentanyl, that have failed because young children don't have much disposable income.

An upturned gaze combined with arms held straight but slightly away from the torso indicates a lack of interest in fentanyl but an insatiable desire for anything, anything at all, that comes in a box with Elmo on it

An increasing number of dealers are now turning to experts in the field of body language analysis in order to help focus customer discovery efforts. One expert, psychokinesiologist Mort Fishman, has been working with drug dealers for years and believes that a team approach can be very helpful. "Not everyone realizes on a conscious level that they are ready to try fentanyl, for example. But when I see them lean slightly forward and squint their eyes just a bit, I know that they are either ready to talk to a dealer or trying to hold in a fart." 

Danish Physicists Predict New Elementary Particle.....

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence.

A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in an uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups 

"This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comfortable conviviality," study author Asger Bøggild explained. "And in addition to being at the core of our feelings of wellness and contentment, it is just wonderful...like the cosmos welcoming us all home with a warm and inviting hug."

Predicting the existence of a theoretical particle is only the first step. Bøggild and his team will now work on proving it with the help of the Large Hadron Collider, the world's biggest and most powerful particle accelerator. "We will take two test subjects that are enjoying a pleasant and cozy Friday evening, perhaps watching a favorite movie while snuggling on the sofa in front of a warm fire with a large bowl of mixed candies and glasses of gløgg, and collide them at over 99% of the speed of light. If the Hygges Boson exists, we will detect it."

KFC to Begin Offering Genetically Modified Chicken Options.....

Louisville, KY - KFC, the world's second largest restaurant chain, will begin expanding their menu to include genetically modified chicken options in select stores next month.

Two chicken scientists checking on a batch of embryos genetically modified to feel twice as much pain as a conventional chicken, and to suffer with the knowledge that it was created with no purpose other than to be consumed 

"It's 2022 and we think people will be more open to the concept of genetically modified food," Sabir Sami, KFC CEO explained. "KFC will still use only top quality poultry from companies Americans trust, like Tyson and Pilgrims' Pride, we'll just be making them a little extra CRISPR. Do you get it? Do you see what I did there?"

Starting out regionally in Kentucky and Tennessee restaurants, genetically modified options will be sold alongside traditional chicken and with similar pricing. The new menu options are more than a bit of a gamble considering the objections raised by skeptics of genetically modified organisms whenever they are introduced for public consumption. Despite a general consensus from scientists that they are as safe as conventionally developed food, many worry about negative impacts on both human health and the environment.

Sami, who took over as KFC CEO in January, understands that any significant menu change is risky but believes that there is no better time than now to make this move:

"We get it. Change can be scary. And the history of fast food is littered with big changes that ultimately failed, like Wendy's SuperBar, Taco Bell's Feedbag Fiesta promotion, or that time Burger King decided to only take payment in cryptocurrency. But fortune often favors the bold."

Though the new menu items haven't been finalized, a few potential options have been revealed. Most will significantly alter the flavor of the chicken or make it easier to eat by doing away with the need for sauces. This might include chicken with tomato genes that has a ketchup flavor built in, or buffalo wings that essentially sauce themselves with blue cheese flavored secretions. Other options may appeal to more health conscious diners, such as chicken that has less cholesterol because it's skin is 30% cauliflower. 

Regardless, Sami wants to reassure customers that what they are eating is chicken. "It's chicken. Technically all of it is still legally chicken. It may not have a conventional development and life cycle, being hatched from an egg or eating typical feed using a typical chicken's mouth, but under a standard microscope there is no visible difference between the muscle fibers from these genetically modified creations and from the chickens that you might find on a farm."

Fentanyl Now Scarier Than Cooties on Nation's Playgrounds, Study Finds.....

 Charlottesville, VA - Cooties, a vaccine-preventable disease feared by children all over the world, has been knocked off of its perch at the top of the list of scariest potential playground exposures for the first time in decades according to a recently published study.

Jars seized by undercover DEA agents at Rob Lowe Elementary in Charlottesville last week containing enough glitter fentanyl to kill every elementary school student in Pittsburgh

"It's a scary time to be seven," National Association of Elementary School Children (NAESC) Spokesperson Timmy C. explained. "With dropping cootie shot rates, we may be the first generation of kids to have more cooties than their parents, but now drug dealers are giving out fentanyl like candy on Halloween and that's really scary. It's like, I want my mommy scary."

A photograph containing enough Rob Lowe to kill every woman in Pittsburgh!

The study, which was performed by the Miss Ashworth's Science Corner Division at the NAESC, involved a survey of thousands of elementary school children across the United States. Some experts, like Republican congressman Matt Gaetz, are using the study’s findings to support calls for reforms in public education. "I want your children. To succeed. I want them to grow up, at least to 16...ish, and succeed. Call me if they need a ride."

Congressman Matt Gaetz, who is not a convicted pedophile, wants your children to just get a few years older

New Study Finds Chiropractic Effective in Reversing Death.....

 Hayward, CA - Chiropractic researchers have published a groundbreaking study that supports the use of chiropractic manipulation in the management of death.

A chiropractor, shown here using a former patient to demonstrate the Inverted Yo-Yo Ma maneuver to a current patient

"Death has always been something that the chiropractic community has meant to get around to," Jill Alcabaz DC, head of the Department of Subluxation Justification at Life Chiropractic College West, explained. "This new study is a good first step, and should encourage chiropractors to begin offering their services as a management option when a patient presents to their clinics already dead, or dies during care. Maybe for like 50 bucks? Does that sound reasonable?”

Since first appearing in the 15th century, the concept of death has largely been ignored by conventional medical doctors despite numerous advances in the management of things like appendicitis and broken bones. It’s hard to even get some doctors, like Well Baby Nursery attending Mort Fishman MD, to even discuss it. “Death? No, that’s not something I worry about. Wait, who are you?”

Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away, however, and death remains one of the more prominent challenges faced by healthcare providers. Some experts in chiropractic, like palliative care chiropractor Frank Grimes, have been working to integrate the treatment of spinal subluxations into end of life care for decades. "Chiropractic is an advanced approach to healing that definitely wasn't just made up by one guy a hundred years ago. I’m not at all surprised by the study findings. It's nice having some solid research to support what I already knew in my heart was science."

The study, published today in Online Publishing Module #18,712 - Chiropractic for the Recently Deceased, compared usual care plus chiropractic to usual care alone in the management of a patient diagnosed with acute death. The study authors found a statistically and emotionally significant difference, and they were all really pleased with themselves. Alcabaz, who was involved with the recruitment and analysis phases of the study, is calling for additional and more definitive research. "As robust as this result was, more research will be needed to convince the skeptics, who are already pointing out trivial issues, like how we didn’t rule out sleep.”

Theoretical Mathematicians Have Discovered New Biggest Number.....

 Cambridge, MA - Theoretical mathematicians near Harvard have discovered a new candidate for the world's biggest number.

Mathematician Geraldine Grogan, shown here demonstrating a profound grasp of improbably big numbers while the intricacies of life's greatest mystery, the inner workings of the human heart, escape her

"It's a really, really big number," Geraldine Grogan, Chief of Math at the Dunkin' Institute for the Study of Numbers, explained. "Think of the biggest number you know. Got it? This one is bigger. A lot bigger."

Grogan, a mathematician who fell in love with big numbers as a young child when she first learned about 11, is used to skepticism when it comes communicating the science of big numbers to the public. "I wish I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I don't just add 1 to get a new biggest number. It's just not that simple."

Breaking it Down: Where American Kids are Getting Their Fentanyl.....

14%- Daddy's special drawer

21%- Dr. Larry's Pain Palace

25%- Unchecked Halloween candy

13%- Mosquito bites

15%- Steve's house, out back in the shed, but only after 1 PM because he works nights at the Shop & Cram on B Street

12%- Li'l Tykes Home Narcotics Lab from Globodyne Industries - Toy Division

A Wearable Narcan Pump for First Responders is in Development.....

Gaithersburg, MD - Researchers at the American multinational biopharmaceutical company Emergent BioSolutions Inc. are close to the successful development of a wearable pump for the continuous infusion of naloxone, a lifesaving drug used to reverse the effects of a opioid overdose.

A naloxone pump, shown here being attached to a typical American police officer, can also be programmed to administer bolus dosing in the event of a possible significant exposure just to be safe

"Our target demographic are police officers and other first responders," Emergent BioSolutions Inc. CEO Robert Kramer Sr. explained. "Essentially anyone at high risk of a contact or mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose."

Some experts, like police toxicologist Mort Fishman MD, are raising concerns over the possibility of officers having a false sense of security. "I want our boys in blue to feel safe when they're busting drug dealers and protecting us from the evils of the world, like when fentanyl that looks like glitter is used on kindergarten birthday party invitations or when black people are picking up their kids from soccer practice. I just don't want them thinking that they are invincible because that's when mistakes happen."

Florida Governor Establishes Hurricane Task Force, Looks to Other States for Help.....

 Tallahassee, FL - In the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced the development of a new task force that will focus on preventing future powerful storm systems from impacting the state.

Hurricane Ian, shown here demonstrating a hatred of conservative values while illegally coming into the United States, was last seen performing as Stormy Weathers at the Post Office Cabaret in Provincetown

"Florida has certainly faced more than its fair share of hurricanes over the years," DeSantis said during a press conference held on Sunday. "It's time someone asked why Florida and not Minnesota or North Dakota. What are they doing that's so effective?"

After pledging to get to the bottom of the anti-Florida bias in the tropical cyclone community, DeSantis touted his successful initiative to put an end to a different natural disaster. "No state has fewer earthquakes than Florida. You know where they have earthquakes? In California. That's why nobody wants to live there."

Florida Authorities Report First Case of Mosquito-Borne Fentanyl Overdose.....

Miami, FL - The first ever case of a fentanyl overdose caused by a mosquito bite was reported by the Miami Police Department today, and local medical providers are raising awareness of this potential new threat.

The mosquito implicated in the overdose of Corporal Blaze, shown here exhibiting excited delirium, was squished while in police custody last week

"I was handcuffing a suspect and saw the mosquito go straight from his arm to mine," MPD officer Corporal Chad Blaze explained. "I overdosed immediately, and I kept overdosing all the way to the hospital."

Corporal Blaze was saved by the quick action of the very man he was in the process of arresting. Wince Jenkins, a Miami bartender who has been battling an addiction to painkillers since an unfortunate alligator attack in 2019, recognized the telltale signs of a fentanyl overdose and immediately called for help. "He started breathing real fast and talking about how he has kids and how he didn't want to die in the street like an animal. I yelled for his partner and she called for an ambulance. They both looked really scared."

Mort Fishman MD, shown here holding his signature clipboard and with a classic Fishman smirk on his face. Mort...you rascal! 

Fentanyl, a modern synthetic version of naturally occurring drugs like morphine, codeine, and super codeine, is much stronger than those old fashioned narcotics. Some medical experts, like police toxicologist Mort Fishman, aren't surprised by this case of a mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose. "This stuff is potent. It's like heroin on crack, and then on steroids. And if my certificate of participation from the third best medical academy in Tampa means anything, anything at all, this won't be the last time it happens."