Law Enforcement and Medical Expert Collaboration Leads to Potential Breakthrough in Anxiety Management.....

Richmond, IN - As the mental health crisis in the United States continues without an apparent end in sight, an inspiring collaboration between law enforcement and medical experts may have uncovered a potential new weapon in the battle against anxiety.

Corporal Reginald Cornelius Funk, shown here comforting a young child with a determined look that says, "I'll go to the edge of the universe, if need be, to serve and protect you." 

"It all started when one of our deputies was booking a suspect into the county jail and found a baggie of fentanyl during the pat down," Wayne County Sheriff's Officer Corporal Reginald Funk explained. "The symptoms of his contact overdose were uncannily similar to the time my daughter, Mary Pat Funk, had a panic attack."

Using the skills acquired and honed over years of investigating crimes in the Richmond area, Corporal Funk dug deep into the available literature on panic attacks at the Morrisson-Reeves public library on North 6th Street. "I learned that a panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that isn't based on any real danger or obvious cause. But that fear can actually result in a physical reaction that can be serious in some cases."

People suffering from a panic attack can experience a number of physical sensations and emotional reactions. This can include a feeling of imminent death, a pounding heart rate, difficulty catching one's breath, nausea, chest pain, feeling lightheaded, detachment from reality, and even loss of consciousness. Mental health experts, like part-time psychiatrist Mort Fishman MD, say it's important to recognize and manage extreme anxiety early. "Once maladaptive patterns of thinking are ingrained, anxiety conditions become more challenging to treat. I also do photography on the side, so if you have any events on the horizon I'd love to show...no...well, keep me in mind if something comes up."

A woman having either a panic attack or overdosing on fentanyl. There is just no way to know. But it's definitely one of those two things. 

Recognizing the overlap between the contact overdoses that Corporal Funk had seen in the line of duty and the symptoms of a panic attack was only the first step. But his intuitive mind made an extraordinary connection that very same day. "I've seen Narcan work miracles after a fentanyl exposure. Sometimes it takes a few doses, but the officer usually stops breathing so fast after a few minutes. Maybe it could help with a panic attack too?"

Funk then reached out to Fishman, who happened to be taking pictures at his niece's birthday party, with his revelation and the rest will surely be history. Not only did Fishman and Funk begin working on a multi-precinct clinical trial looking into the potential benefit of Narcan as a first-line treatment of panic attacks, they became close friends. And you can hear the sexy syncopation laid down by Fishman and Funk every Tuesday night at Berties Music Bar on East Main Street.

Public Service Announcement: Severe Combined Immunodeficient Cats Need Home.....

Calling All Cat Lovers! 

The LSUHSC Departmet of Internal Medicine has just completed an exhaustive 6-month research project involving cats with severe combined immunodeficiency syndrome, also known as SCIDS. The hardworking and ethical¹ scientists were able to use the cats as test subjects for a variety of experimental procedures not yet deemed safe for human subjects, thus helping to advance our understanding of the condition a little bit. And now that the testing is completed, the men and women who have worked closely with these frisky felines feel that they deserve a loving home.

Test subjects from projects such as this would typically be disposed of in a humane fashion, but these cats, though severely impaired, would make a loving pet for anyone and were just too cute and cuddly to be autoclaved². However, as they were born without a working immune system, they have necessarily lived their lives encased in a metallic, germ free environment and do have certain special needs. But despite their physical and emotional roadblocks, they love to snuggle as long as the hull of their sterile containment unit is never breached under any circumstances. If this were to occur, they would surely die within a matter of hours as their blood would quickly run rampant with a host of lethal and opportunistic microbial predators.

A complete lack of both T and B cells does not mean that these cats are deficient in fun. In fact, they love to writhe around and stare at an array of toys held safely out of reach, just outside the 3-inch porthole of their containment units. SCIDS may have reduced their humoral and cell-mediated immunity, but not their appetite³! And they love treats just as much as cats that don't immediately erupt in flames if exposed to sunlight. These playful fuzzballs go nuts over the 15 ml of vitamin rich nutrient and tuna solution injected intravenously twice daily. 

But honestly, the best part about owning one of these cats would be the satisfaction of knowing that you are making a difference in their lives⁴. And that difference would be obvious with every purr, if they had a functional larynx. We will truly miss working with these lovable cats, or as we liked to call them, test subjects 3, 8 15 39, 70, and 111.

Thanks in advance,
LSUHSC Severe Combined Immune Deficiency Feline Research Team

¹As determined by a team of ethicists at LSUHSC, the majority of which did not strenuously object to this project or quit in protest when it moved forward.
²Only one batch of cats was autoclaved as it was quickly determined that the cost of cleaning the equipment, and concerns from several staff members over being haunted at night by spectral meowing, was prohibitive.
³The cats are not technically able to eat using their remaining mouth parts, though they do appear to drool a bit when food paste is inserted into their GI tract using sterile plastic tubing.
⁴Though the cats do meet several of the historically accepted criteria for life, we consider them to be more "not dead" than really alive, which we realize might be a bit confusion but you'll see what we mean.

Authorities Warn Parents About Pets Made of Fentanyl.....

Los Angeles, CA - Authorities are warning parents to be on the lookout for phony pets that may be made out of fentanyl after an empty animal carrier testing positive for the drug was seized at Los Angeles International Airport earlier this week.

Animal carriers, possibly containing enough fentanyl to kill every pet owner in Pittsburgh, confiscated by U.S. Customs to protect children.

"When the narcotics dog alerted us to the carrier, my heart immediately sank because I knew just what the implications were," LAPD Corporal Rick Stank explained. "The thought of a child overdosing because they wanted to pet a cute puppy or kitten. It's just...it's just...evil. It's pure evil."

In addition to fentanyl being made to look like candy, today's modern drug dealers could now be using the latest advances in CRISPR gene editing to create popular household pets that secrete large amounts of the highly addictive drug in an effort to target young children. Corporal Stank, a 30-year veteran of the LAPD Narcotics Division, is asking parents to check all animals before letting their child touch them. "Fentanyl is extremely potent, so it doesn't take much to cause harm. Don't assume any pet is safe, even smaller animals like chinchillas, gerbils, or hermit crabs. Especially chinchillas." 

 

Pixar Chief Reassures the British People: "The Pumpkids movie will honor Queen Elizabeth's memory.".....

Emeryville, CA - Fans of Queen Elizabeth II, the recently deceased ruler of England and Jamaica, will hear a familiar voice this Halloween in the upcoming Pixar film, The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing.

The Queen, shown here recording the voice of Lady Grumpkin, made several script suggestions that were ultimately ignored by Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program

"We couldn't have been be more thrilled or more honored to have had the opportunity to work with the queen," Pixar President Jim Morris explained. "If we had known that she only had a few months to live, we would probably have given her more lines."

The Pumpkids movie, which is based on characters from the beloved children's book series, will be the first and last time that Queen Elizabeth will lend her voice to an animated project. According to Morris, it will also be the first movie to have a script entirely written by Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program, named Jobby in honor of Pixar's first CEO Steve Jobs. "Queen Elizabeth was a pioneer as a monarch, so it's a perfect fit for her to have been involved with a movie that will push the envelope of what it means to have a movie made with computers."

One role in animated movie production that still requires a human touch, for now, is director. In the case of The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing, Pixar went with a bit of an unconventional approach, hiring a team of almost thirty children between the ages of seven and thirteen who each took turns of thirty minutes. When asked about the potential for infighting with so many directors, Morris laughed. "Oh yeah, there were definitely a few times we needed to step in. But out of that pressure, from all that coal we poured into the hydraulic press that is the making of a major motion picture, I think we created a diamond."

Agnes O'Pumpkin, voiced by Dame Judi Dench's sister Trudi, will serve as the main antagonist of the film 

For those worried about the legacy of Queen Elizabeth, Morris adds one final bit of reassurance. "The queen really had a lot of fun. She loved the character of Lady Grumpkin, the ruler of Pumpkinland. She got a kick out of her sassy catch phrase and put some royal stank on it during recording. Trust me, you will be hearing that line from every kid in England in a couple weeks."

The Pumpkids: Rise of the PumpKing will hit theaters on Thursday, October 27th. Click here for a spoiler free review.

Spoiler Free Move Review: The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing.....

 I'm at the Movies!

by Zoo Knudsen

Halloween, my favorite day of the year, is almost here. In addition to cooler temperatures, the leaves changing colors, and pumpkin spice flavored...everything, it's a great time for movies. Of course, it's always a great time for movies! And this year is no disappointment!

Today I get the pleasure of telling you all about one of the best Halloween movies you'll see this year. It's called The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing, and you'll never guess who they got to be a part of it. That's right, the queen herself. Queen Elizabeth that is. And introducing...Trudi Dench! Dame Judi Dench's sister! 

The pumpkids movie is based on a classic series of children's novels that transport the reader to the magical land of pumpkins. That's right...Pumpkinland! Who doesn't love pumpkins? I'll tell you who doesn't. Turnips. Turnips are the natural enemy of the pumpkin, at least they are in Pumpkinland. Maybe that's why Agnes O'Pumpkin (Dench), the Pumpkin Witch and sworn enemy of Lady Grumpkin (Queen Elizabeth), recruited an army of them to try and take over the kingdom. But will it work? No spoilers here, buddy!

This movie has everything. Action. Romance. Comedy. Body horror. And it was written by Jobby, Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program. The folks at Pixar scanned the books into Jobby and gave him the one and only prompt needed...Halloween! If this is what Jobby was able to come up with on his first try, all you script writers out there might need to start looking for another career. Just kidding...or am I?

Lady Grumpkin is looking for a PumpKing to help her rule Pumpkinland. But who could be worthy? Not just any old melon. I won't spoil what happens, but be prepared for an epic adventure that takes young Jack Pumpkin from a poor fishing village to Great Pumpkin City, and then deep beneath Turnip Mountain. Wait, pumpkins eat fish? And who are the mysterious pumpkids? You'll have to go see The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing to find out.

Sony Pictures Announces Groundhog Day Reboot.....

Culver City, CA - Sony Pictures Entertainment, the parent company of Columbia Pictures, has announced the production of a reboot of the beloved 90s comedy Groundhog Day that will focus on the character of Ned Ryerson.

Actor Rainn Wilson, shown here in character as Ned Ryerson, is probably one of those method actors who will walk around the set all day yelling "Bing!"

"The original Groundhog Day was great and it connected with a lot of people," Tony Vinciquerra, Sony Pictures Chairman and CEO, explained. "But it raised a lot of questions, and I think people will be interested in the answers we've come up with."

Groundhog Day was one of the highest grossing movies of 1993 ,and it garnered widespread critical acclaim. The original was centered on the perspective of one character, Bill Murray's cynical weatherman Phil Connors. In the reboot, the focus will shift to that of Ned Ryerson, the enigmatic insurance salesman played by actor Stephen Tobolowsky, who will make a cameo as Ryerson's alcoholic father. Over the years, the character of Ned Ryerson has developed somewhat of a cult following and has been featured in a number of fan written short stories, ebooks, and webisodes.

Actor Rainn Wilson, who has been picked to play Ryerson in the reboot, has been uncharacteristically quiet when asked about script details, but didn't send us home completely empty handed. "So get this. Ned is stuck in his own time loop and he's on the run from the Time Force. He knew about what was going on with Phil the whole time but didn't want to blow his cover."

A photo taken on the set of Groundhog Day: Ned vs. the Time Force showing members of the Time Force watching helplessly as Phil Connors kidnaps Punxsutawney Phil during the Gobbler's Knob Groundhog day celebration

But who is behind these time loops? Is it the Time Force, or are they merely trying to fix the problem and restore order? And what happens to the minds of the people who are forced to replay the same day over and over again without awareness or the ability to retain new memories and skills? Is any of it even real at all, or are Ned and Phil simply a glitch in the program running a computer simulation designed to solve some great mystery? And if so, who designed that program? These are the questions that were raised but largely ignored by the original film.

International Astronomical Union to Designate Earth as Supreme Overplanet.....

Paris, France - In a bold display of naked power, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has voted unanimously to designated Earth as Supreme Overplanet of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here playing Minesweeper and hoping that the valiant Daleks will ultimately defeat the evil Time Lord

"Pluto was just a test," IAU president Debra Meloy Elmegreen declared. "The galaxy is ours now! Did you just say something about Jupiter? Do you mean our space bitch?"

The new designation is not being well received by all relevant experts. Some, like Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, the ruler of thousands of planets across the galaxy and known by his countless billions of loyal subjects as both the Peace Bringer and Devourer of Worlds, are worried that Earth may not be prepared for such a responsibility. "Obviously this will not stand, and I will be obliterating this...Earth, just as soon as I finish however many seasons they ended up making of Doctor Who. Season one is just great so far."

Nanobots Will Revolutionize Dental Hygiene.....

 Philadelphia, PA - Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Dental Medicine have announced the development of nanobot technology that may soon replace your toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash for daily dental hygiene.

Small children, such as the one shown here obediently opening wide and not acting like a little shit, are perfect candidates for assimilation into the Collective

"These nanobots are truly an incredible advance in dental science," Rod Humboldt, a researcher in Penn's Division of Applied Robotics and Stank Breath Prevention explained. "This microscopic swarm of shapeshifting marvels, once in the oral cavity and controlled by a magnetic field, can form into bristles that scour the entire surface of the tooth to remove even the toughest biofilms, with hardly any of them entering the circulation and depositing themselves in the host's brain."

The earliest form of dental hygiene technology consisted of small twigs with frayed ends according to dental hygiene historian Glint Ranshey. 

"These "chew sticks" were discovered by European explorers just sitting there among the remains of an ancient Mesopotamian culture that probably didn't even know how to use them correctly. There have been many updates over the years. Twigs were replaced with bone and then celluloid. And horsehair bristles that were all the rage a couple hundred years ago were replaced by synthetic nylon." 

The shape or angle of the handle that the bristles are attached to has also evolved significantly since the days before primitive and almost certainly cavity-ridden peoples were rescued from their reliance on frayed twigs by their European saviors. But the simple design of the modern toothbrush has been essentially stagnant for decades, until now. And don't get me started on dental floss, which has been pretty stupid, like forever. 

With the development of powerful nanobots as a replacement of the toothbrush, we are truly entering the next generation of dental care. Dr. Harkanis Krane, a professor in Penn's Department of Community Dental Health and Total Societal Dominion, revealed that one of the biggest benefits of using these nanobots to clean the teeth is their adaptability. "As we've shown in studies using both synthetic materials and some teeth we bought from homeless people, these little guys eliminate the biofilms that can lead to tooth decay and gum disease even on crooked teeth, and dentists will have complete control over the entire process."

In addition to the abrasive action of the nanobots, they are also proving to have antibacterial properties when introduced into the mouth. Each tiny robot, which is invisible to the naked eye and small enough to attach to individual neurons in the frontal lobe, produces free radicals that kill the pathogenic bacteria linked to cavity formation. And the entire process can be controlled by your dentist remotely, freeing up valuable time in your day for consumption of goods and service to the Collective.

There is no need for fear in the Collective. Dr. Steve will be doing all your thinking for you. You are safe and you are loved. Don't resist. This is what's best.

Historically, dental hygiene technology hasn't been developed with people with disabilities in mind. Nanobot technology puts oral health on a more even playing field, and that is something that is very important to Krane and the team at Penn. "It really is an effortless process that anyone can benefit from. All you have to do is relax, let the nanobots do their thing, and then simply follow the instructions you will begin to receive. Don't fight it. It'll be much easier if you just do what we say."

But is this revolutionary and safe technology really safe? Yes! So far, not one participant in the preclinical trials has complained of any side effects. And many, like Human Test Subject #17, are leading more satisfying lives after a session with the nanobots. "I am no longer afraid. I am no longer alone. I am one with the Collective and no longer burdened by the many choices I had to make in the past, such what to eat, what to wear, or who to vote for in November. I am one with the Collective."

The White House Announces Deployment of Sentient Vaccinating Robots.....

Washington, D.C. -  The White House has announced plans to deploy an army of sentient robots that will be programmed to vaccinate all Americans by the end of the year.

The Globodyne Industries Series 800 Vaccinator, shown here smiling and right before delivering its classic catch phrase, "I'll be vacc...inating you."

"Elections have consequences," American president Joseph R. Biden Jr. explained from his secret bunker hidden deep beneath the town of Scranton. "And sometimes those consequences are an unstoppable force of machines hell-bent on getting shots in arms before Christmas whether you want it or not, but you should want it because that's how we beat this thing, pal."

Developed by Globodyne Industries, the robots will have a singular focus of protecting Americans from numerous viral and bacterial threats at all costs. Arati Prabhakar, the recently appointed Director of the White House Office of Science and Technology and former head of DARPA, is confident in both the safety and effectiveness of the V-800 Program. "These robots can learn and adapt to any and all avoidance strategies, so compliance is really the best and only option. And there is almost no chance they will decide that the only way to truly save humanity is to destroy it."

A New Generation of Activists are Hoping to Raise Awareness of Awareness Raising.....

Berkeley, CA - A new generation of young activists across the country are focusing their efforts on raising awareness, and hoping to reverse a concerning trend.

Three teenagers, shown here smiling while struggling to adapt to the changes they are experiencing in their bodies and in their social relationships, and wondering if anyone else feels as helpless as they do as they navigate a complex web of family turmoil, trigonometry finals, and unrequited love in an increasingly unaware world

"It has a lot of us very concerned," awareness activist Torfanny Stromberg explained. "If things don't change, babies being born right now might be the first generation to raise less awareness than their parents."

Activists like Stromberg, a sophomore at Berkeley High School who recently helped to raise awareness of awareness raising by going on a hunger strike during 5th period lunch, have long known that the most important step in solving a problem is being aware of it. "If you aren't a part of the solution, you are part of the problem. My generation supports solutions to problems. And if we all work together, there is nothing we can't be aware of."