Nanobots Will Revolutionize Dental Hygiene.....

 Philadelphia, PA - Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Dental Medicine have announced the development of nanobot technology that may soon replace your toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash for daily dental hygiene.

Small children, such as the one shown here obediently opening wide and not acting like a little shit, are perfect candidates for assimilation into the Collective

"These nanobots are truly an incredible advance in dental science," Rod Humboldt, a researcher in Penn's Division of Applied Robotics and Stank Breath Prevention explained. "This microscopic swarm of shapeshifting marvels, once in the oral cavity and controlled by a magnetic field, can form into bristles that scour the entire surface of the tooth to remove even the toughest biofilms, with hardly any of them entering the circulation and depositing themselves in the host's brain."

The earliest form of dental hygiene technology consisted of small twigs with frayed ends according to dental hygiene historian Glint Ranshey. 

"These "chew sticks" were discovered by European explorers just sitting there among the remains of an ancient Mesopotamian culture that probably didn't even know how to use them correctly. There have been many updates over the years. Twigs were replaced with bone and then celluloid. And horsehair bristles that were all the rage a couple hundred years ago were replaced by synthetic nylon." 

The shape or angle of the handle that the bristles are attached to has also evolved significantly since the days before primitive and almost certainly cavity-ridden peoples were rescued from their reliance on frayed twigs by their European saviors. But the simple design of the modern toothbrush has been essentially stagnant for decades, until now. And don't get me started on dental floss, which has been pretty stupid, like forever. 

With the development of powerful nanobots as a replacement of the toothbrush, we are truly entering the next generation of dental care. Dr. Harkanis Krane, a professor in Penn's Department of Community Dental Health and Total Societal Dominion, revealed that one of the biggest benefits of using these nanobots to clean the teeth is their adaptability. "As we've shown in studies using both synthetic materials and some teeth we bought from homeless people, these little guys eliminate the biofilms that can lead to tooth decay and gum disease even on crooked teeth, and dentists will have complete control over the entire process."

In addition to the abrasive action of the nanobots, they are also proving to have antibacterial properties when introduced into the mouth. Each tiny robot, which is invisible to the naked eye and small enough to attach to individual neurons in the frontal lobe, produces free radicals that kill the pathogenic bacteria linked to cavity formation. And the entire process can be controlled by your dentist remotely, freeing up valuable time in your day for consumption of goods and service to the Collective.

There is no need for fear in the Collective. Dr. Steve will be doing all your thinking for you. You are safe and you are loved. Don't resist. This is what's best.

Historically, dental hygiene technology hasn't been developed with people with disabilities in mind. Nanobot technology puts oral health on a more even playing field, and that is something that is very important to Krane and the team at Penn. "It really is an effortless process that anyone can benefit from. All you have to do is relax, let the nanobots do their thing, and then simply follow the instructions you will begin to receive. Don't fight it. It'll be much easier if you just do what we say."

But is this revolutionary and safe technology really safe? Yes! So far, not one participant in the preclinical trials has complained of any side effects. And many, like Human Test Subject #17, are leading more satisfying lives after a session with the nanobots. "I am no longer afraid. I am no longer alone. I am one with the Collective and no longer burdened by the many choices I had to make in the past, such what to eat, what to wear, or who to vote for in November. I am one with the Collective."