Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore with offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

More Americans are Turning to a Risky Medical Procedure to Prevent COVID Vaccine Side Effects.....

Aspen, CO - As fears of long term side effects from the SARS-CoV-2 mRNA vaccines continue to increase, more Americans are turning to an invasive and potentially deadly medical procedure.

The family of Hank Lopez, shown here undergoing a bone marrow transplant at the ImmunoPure Medical Spa in Aspen, is asking for donations to the Daily Caller Foundation in lieu of flowers

"People are scared," ImmunoPure Medical Spa spokesperson Avery Basket explained. "Every day there are more reports of people hearing about sudden deaths and turbo cancers. What we do is give people some peace of mind. We give them hope."

The two most prominent vaccines against COVID-19 involve the use of mRNA technology. This process involves introducing a small amount of mRNA into the body so that our own cellular machinery can produce a protein that is found on the outer membrane of the SARS-CoV-2 virus. This allows the body's immune system to learn how to recognize the virus in the event of an infection and respond more quickly in order to prevent severe disease and death. 

Despite an abundance of data showing these vaccines to be safe and effective, many have refused them. And an increasing number of people are regretting their choice to be immunized early in the pandemic, citing the potential for a variety of adverse outcomes often discussed in conservative political circles, which have increasingly merged with traditional anti-vaccine voices over the past roughly three years. Clinics like the ImmunoPure Medical Spa in Aspen are popping up to offer these people a way to purify their bodies.

The procedure being offered is one that might sound familiar to people knowledgeable about the treatment of some cancers and blood disorders. According to neuro-oncology physiatrist Mort Fishman, who serves as ImmunoPure's medical director, all medical interventions come with some risk. "Yes, it's invasive. But the only way to remove these unnatural changes to a patient's immune system is to start from scratch. So we cleanse the bone marrow with ablative chemotherapy and then restore their bone marrow to its natural state using pure stem cells from an unvaccinated donor."

Choosing Wisely Campaign Releases Updated Recommendations on Unnecessary Medical Interventions.....

Philadelphia, PA - The Choosing Wisely® campaign, led by the American Board of Internal Medicine, has released an additional evidence-based list of five common conditions seen frequently in hospital care settings where clinicians and patients can partner to safely avoid unnecessary tests and procedures.

Former COVID vaccine recipient Hank Lopez, shown here undergoing a bone marrow transplant at the ImmunoPure Medical Spa in Aspen, CO

"These are common conditions seen in hospitals across the country," ABIM president Richard J. Baron, MD explained. "Avoiding unnecessary interventions means avoiding unnecessary pain, radiation, extended hospital stays, and healthcare expenses, as well as the anxiety and additional testing that comes from false positive findings that are more common when a medical test isn't based on reasonable clinical suspicion."

As medical science has rapidly advanced over the last few decades, physicians are increasingly able to rapidly perform numerous diagnostic tests and surgical procedures. According to Dr. Baron, this has resulted in an increasing amount of over-testing and treatment. "We hope that this new Choosing Wisely® list will encourage more clinicians to trust their clinical skills and avoid tests and procedures that are very unlikely to help their patients in these specific circumstances."

In order to prepare the updated list, a Choosing Wisely® task force performed a rigorous review of all the available evidence and came to an expert consensus on clinical presentations that frequently result in testing and treatment that should be avoided. Mort Fishman, an internal medicine physician and chairperson of the task force, hopes that this effort, along with previous published recommendations from Choosing Wisely®, will serve as a helpful guide. "We encourage patients, families, and providers to think twice before asking for, ordering, or performing these tests or procedures."

The new list includes the following recommendations:

• Do not surgically reenter the abdomen 1 month after performing an appendectomy in order to make sure that the appendix didn't grow back.
• Do not perform ablative chemotherapy followed by bone marrow transplant from an unvaccinated donor in order to remove SARS-CoV-2 spike protein from the body.
• Do not allow patients to take home leftover blood after a surgical procedure unless they promise to use it within 72 hours.
• Do not order an MRI on a patient just to settle a bet, even if it's a sure thing this time Dr. Sanders.
• Do not order intravenous acetaminophen for any patient unless both their mouth and anus are missing or non-functional, and even then try to come up with a workaround.

The list is available through the Choosing Wisely® website.

Supply Chain Problems Impact Holiday Shopping.....

Washington, D.C. - The United States Department of Commerce has disclosed that continued pandemic related supply chain problems will likely impact holiday shopping this season.

The desiccated remains of a forgotten 2021 Elf on the Shelf, shown here being prepared for shipping back to the North Pole for burial on ancestral grounds

"This should not come as a surprise to most Americans," Secretary Gina Raimondo explained. "Though the outlook for next year has improved over the past several weeks, right now many consumers are having a tough time finding what they want at an affordable price."

In addition to challenges when it comes to finding the perfect gift for friends and family this holiday season, supply chain problems have resulted in some unexpected difficulties for parents of younger children. According to Carol Aebersold, co-founder of The Lumistella Company, some families are going to be extremely disappointed. "I hope that parents remembered to feed their Elf on the Shelf this year because it may take several months to replace a dead one."

Massachusetts Baby Breaks World Apgar Score Record.....

Newton, MA - A Massachusetts newborn has finally broken the decades old infant Apgar record of 10 that was first set by the child of a Sloane Hospital for Women administrator in 1953.

Apgar record breaking newborn, Egbert Givens, shown here reading his favorite original printing of Tolstoy's War and Peace while getting some tummy time

"I've seen more than a few tens over the years," neonatal historian Mort Fishman MD explained. "Then there was that Guatemalan kid who got an eleven in 2013, but that ended up being a hoax. And now a twelve…at one minute? That baby is a genius, a liar, or maybe a bit of both."

The Apgar score is a standardized evaluation system applied to all newborns at least twice during the first several minutes of life in order to assess their general health status, need for resuscitation, and response to interventions aimed at improving a the transition from dependence on the placenta to thriving as a fully self-actualized infant. According to Dr. Fishman, the eponymous scoring system was named after the obstetrical anesthesiologist who developed it in 1952 and has been helpful in determining which of the five societal castes a child best fits into. "These scores do much more than simply help determine if a child will succeed in life. They play a key role in upholding the stability of a perfect society."

During Apgar scoring, several factors are assessed. These typically include the newborn infant's coloring, pulse rate, response to stimulation, muscle tone, breathing, physiological and cognitive self-awareness, interest in fine art and literature, grasp of complex and abstract mathematical principles, a Turing test, and finally their epistemological perspective. Children with a score of 9 or 10 are destined to become powerful and influential as leaders of mankind. Fishman, who peaked at an Apgar score of 8 at five minutes of life in 1965, says that it is unclear what to do with a 12. "If this ends up being a legitimate twelve and not another hoax, this kid might just rule the world one day."

Georgia Family Sues Over Missed Chiropractic Subluxations.....

Atlanta, GA - Clarence and Granville Morse had never heard of a subluxation before their 19-year-old son, Elgin, was found dead on the floor of his apartment last October, his 6-month-old Miniature Schnauzer whimpering and licking his cold face.

A woman with Stage 3 salad neck who would go on to die suddenly from regional cervical spinal collapse

A functional and/or structural and/or pathological disorder of the spine and surrounding musculature that can only be appropriately diagnosed by a trained professional, subluxations can present with a variety of clinical syndromes, even sudden and unexpected death, but is largely associated with neck and back pain. In all 50 states, subluxations are typically diagnosed at chiropractic clinics.

A Georgia Bureau of Investigation autopsy found that Elgin Morse died from a congenital cardiac malformation that predisposed him to a fatal arrhythmia. A second review by a chiropractic forensic pathologist disagreed, concluding that Morse died because of total spinal collapse, also known as Accordion syndrome, and had no other abnormal findings or drugs in his system. Accordion syndrome, which was first described by chiropractor Richard Accordion in 1907, has been linked to spinal subluxations according to the American College of Chiropractic Forensic Pathologists.

Clarence and Granville Morse have filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Dr. Clark Bartram, claiming a failure to diagnose the subluxations that ultimately resulted in their son's death.

They don't know how long their son had been living with subluxations, but he must have been experiencing adverse effects, Granville Morse said at a news conference Tuesday. In his apartment, they found a to-do list with one item that stood out like a sore plectum: see a chiropractor.

The lawsuit was originally filed in May and an expanded version was filed earlier this week. The lawyer who filed the suit said they want to send a message to medical doctors that subluxations are unsafe and shouldn't be ignored.

"The medical-industrial complex claims that subluxations are a natural and completely safe finding that don't impact health or well-being in a negative way," lawyer Mitt Chesterton explained. "However, even if that were true, and it very much isn't, subluxations in the United States are often more advanced at diagnosis because anti-chiropractic propaganda keeps people from getting checked."

Chiropractors say that subluxations are unsafe, unnatural spinal abnormalities that cause pain and a wide variety of other problems.

Elgin Morse likely developed subluxations years before his death, however it is possible that he died from acute severe subluxation syndrome (ASSS). ASSS is especially dangerous, "because the system can be overwhelmed suddenly by an extremely severe subluxation, the risk of death is substantially increased," the lawsuit says. 

Clarence Morse believe that had his son's subluxation been found and treated, he would be alive today. "It's 2022 and people are walking out of doctor's offices with a life threatening condition that is being treated like it doesn't even exist. It's almost as if there are two completely different systems, with one based in reality and the other is a complete fantasy that is just designed to look and act like real medical care."

Is the Greatest Generation Also the Dumbest? A New Study Says Yes.....

Near Harvard - A new study near Harvard is raising questions about the intelligence of the generation of Americans many hold up as "the greatest", specifically those born between 1901 and 1927.

Members of the Korean pop idol group BTS, shown here performing their #1 smash hit "Permission to Dance: America Remix: Gangsta Rhythm" featuring Hunter Biden 

"We asked almost 10,000 adults over the age of 90 a few simple questions just to gauge baseline intelligence," Lead researcher Wildnerness Arbuckle Jones explained. "You know, simple stuff, like what is an NFT, how does the blockchain work, how is gender defined, and what year Old Town Road became a hit for Lil Nas X."

Despite living through the Great Depression, fighting in World War II, and serving as a driving force of American culture for decades, the results of even the initial tests of their overall intelligence were shockingly poor. According to Jones, most of the subjects were unable to even name a popular K-pop idol or group, let alone recite the lyrics to their favorite BTS song. "It was embarrassing. They don't appear to know an e-girl from a VSCO girl and were easily confused by questions that required knowing the difference between Doja Cat and Megan Thee Stallion."

La Leche League Calls for Focus on Prenatal Breastfeeding.....

Franklin Park, IL - Experts from La Leche League, a non-profit organization that promotes advocacy, education, and training related to breastfeeding in more than 80 countries around the world, is calling on fetal surgeons to develop techniques to improve prenatal breastfeeding rates.

A highly trained team of fetal surgeons and hospital staff, shown here removing a 32-week fetus from her mother's uterus for a 3 AM feeding

"Our focus is mother-to-mother support that recognizes the importance of mothering through breastfeeding," La Leche League USA Council representative Theresa Button explained. "We don't carry a baby in our wombs for months and then suddenly become mothers on the day they are born. We are already mothers on the day we are born, and I dream of a world where a mother doesn't have to withhold her mothering simply because her child hasn't been born yet." 

Experts recognize that breastfeeding has numerous health benefits, such as night vision and the ability to store light absorbed from the sun and then emit it in a concentrated beam of energy powerful enough to melt steel. According to Amanda Summers, La Leche League's chief scientific advisor, the evidence is clear that breastfed infants are stronger, smarter, better looking, and more likely to grow up to be successful adults that live rich and fulfilling lives. "Decades later, when these babies finally reach the end of their long and meaningful lives, they will be remembered by their family, community, and the millions of people they have inspired. Why would anyone withhold that future from a baby just because they haven't developed a suck reflex yet?"

Stephen King Announces Follow-up to Bestselling Novel 11/22/63.....

Bangor, ME - Stephen King, the "King of Horror" who is widely considered to be the most successful writer of horror stories in history, selling more than 400 million copies of his books worldwide, has announced a follow-up to his popular and award winning 2011 time travel thriller, 11/22/63.

The real life meeting of Baby Jessica and President George H.W. Bush in 1989 serves as a pivotal point on the time line in 10/14/87, and one in which the protagonist must make an agonizing decision with the fate of all humanity hanging in the balance

"It's called 10/14/87, and it's my answer to one key question," King explained over a plate of Yankee pot roast during our interview at Geaghan's Pub on Main street. "What if Baby Jessica never fell into that well? Or more to the point, what if not falling into that well sets her on a course that leads to the apocalypse, to the Biblical end times?"

In 10/14/87, King takes the reader on a journey from 2022 to October of 1987 as Jake Epping, the hero from the original novel, returns and is once again tasked with changing the timeline, only this time he's working with the time police to keep reality from unraveling. According to King, Epping is going to be a good bit older and a lot wiser this time around. "Jake thinks that he has to be the one who puts 18-month-old Jessica in that well in Midland, Texas in order to save the future, but that might actually be what dooms it. Or maybe there's something even more mysterious going on...maybe with ghosts?"

Marvel Studios Announces Reboot of MCU After Phase 4 Fizzles.....

Burbank, CA - Marvel Studios, the Disney owned production company behind the popular Marvel Cinematic Universe has apologized to fans after a poorly received Phase 4 slate of films, and president Kevin Feige has promised a new approach going forward.

An exciting scene from Spider Kid: Secret of the Time Switchers, a bright spot among the MCU Phase 4 movies that brought in nearly $2 billion worldwide in ticket sales

"We are going to right this ship," Feige explained. "Phase 4 had it's bright spots, and we finished strong with Black Panther: Merpeople Attack!, but this slate of films was inconsistent and didn't live up to the expectations of fans."

The Phase 4 films, which opened with the poorly performing, at least by MCU standards, Scarlett Johansson lead Black Widow: Two Girls in the Big City in June 2021, still managed to rake in more than $5.5 billion despite being considerably less well received by critics. According to Feige, there is going to be a focus on quality over quantity in Phases 5 and 6. "Now hear me out. People seem to really love the post-credit scenes. What if we only made those?"

Marvel Studios is also re-examining its upcoming film line-up because of significant internal negative feedback over the roll out of Phase 4. The problems raised behind the scenes allegedly focused primarily on creative difficulties with scripts, particularly the plot, dialogue, characters, setting, pacing, and writing in Thor: Return to Love Island. Post-production issues and below industry standard visual effects were also a concern, with several scenes in the Black Widow film having raised serious concerns, but also parts of The Foreverers and Dr. Weirdo and the Worlds of Wackiness. To prevent Phases 5 and 6 from taking a similar route, Feige adds that there will need to be more creative oversight on projects sill in pre-production, which could result in delays or even cancelled projects.