Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Advertisement: SALVATION ARMY WOMEN'S MINISTRIES.....

SCARED?


CONFUSED?


CURIOUS?


YOU DON'T NEED COLLEGE!

















"JOIN THE SALVATION ARMY WOMEN'S MINISTRIES* TODAY!"

*The Salvation Army Women's Minstries is a subsidiary of Globodyne Industries.

Terms of Service:
1. Accepting the Terms
In order for Globodyne Industries to begin total domination over your existence, you must first agree to the Terms of Service. Any eye contact with this advertisement implies agreement with the Terms of Service. This is a legally binding contract that is non-negotiable and permanent. As you read this, Globodyne agents are closing in on your position and will soon have your present location surrounded. They will remain in place until your complete and total surrender/ cooperation is achieved. Globodyne is Acceptance.
2. Your Relationship with Globodyne

It is understood that your relationship with Globodyne is one of complete and total subservience. At no point are you to question the directives of Globodyne. You are to obey every request of you put forth by Globodyne without hesitation. Globodyne will control every aspect of your life and, if necessary, will not hesitate to strictly penalize insubordination with whatever measures are deemed appropriate by Globodyne excecutives. Globodyne is Compassion.
3. Finding Your Place

Some new members of the Globodyne family have difficulty accepting their new environment. Yes, the acid mines can be a scary place at first but there are many services in place to help your transition into the labor camps run smoothly. Our liason with the corporate office will be more than happy to listen to your concerns and apply only as much physical pain as is necessary to assure you that Globodyne has your best interests at heart. Globodyne is Love.
4. Making Your Way

At this time, Globodyne does not offer any opportunity for advancement for entry level positions. But there are several ways to progress in your journey with Globodyne. For instance, there is the mandatory opportunity for daily praising of Globodyne. Eventually you will come to see Globodyne as your omniscent and omnipotent master. You will forget your life before joining Globodyne. You will forget your family and friends. You will also accept Globodyne as the supreme creator of all life. Globodyne is Life.
5. Membership Benefits

There are a number of membership perks at Globodyne Industries. These include the realization that your life is meaningless without the light of Globodyne shining upon you, the joy of serving Globodyne regardless of physical and psychological suffering, and a 5% discount at the Globodyne Cafeteria. Our retirement plan is quite generous as well. Globodyne Industries will match any contributions made to your 503b plan via paycheck deduction. Unfortunately at this time Globodyne will not be compensating members financially. Globdyne is Generosity.


7 comments:

Chrysalis Angel said...

"Yes, the acid mines can be a scary place at first but there are many services in place to help your transition into the labor camps run smoothly." This can only be one author, where has this been? I'm shaking my head with a smile on my face.

Zoo Knudsen said...

Yes, it is Zoo Knudsen. You must be familar with my work with the Picayunne on acid mine child labor policies. It sure was a shock to me as well when I discovered that they refused to employ children under the age of 18. A good days work is the best way to teach a young child responsibility and humility.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of life in the convent.
Sister . . .

Zoo Knudsen said...

My apologies

Chrysalis Angel said...

lol

Anonymous said...

I know this is an OLD blog, but I just came across it tonight. What is your point?? I'm not sure if you have a grudge against the S.A.W.S. or if this is just an attempt at being funny. Can you explain?

Zoo Knudsen said...

This is a news/advertisement parody blog. I chose SAWS because the picture juxtaposed with the content was funny. I could just have easily chosen any other benign group which people join. If anything, I am making fun of large and powerful companies but not SAWS. If you don't have a sense of humor, move on.