New Orleans, LA-The annual LSU Health Sciences Center(LSUHSC) campus crime report was released today, revealing that evil twin related crimes are up 20% compared to last year. In fact, just over 200 various instances of theft, credit card fraud, embezzlement, and stalking were accredited to evil twins of students, faculty, and other employees of LSUHSC. Many of these crimes are still under investigation.
As shocking as this may sound, it came as no suprise to Dr. Michael Lipscomb, an expert in the area of evil twins. Levitzky explained, "I saw this coming a mile away. I've been pushing for mandatory registration of evil twins for years now." It would seem that in light of the crime report's findings, Dr. Levitzky's plea for increased awareness of, and preparedness for, evil twin related crime should now be heard.
Many high-ranking officials at the Health Sciences Center have begun placing blame on Tulane Medical School. As they have in the past for such mishaps as the Creutzfeldt-Jacob epidemic of 2003, the spread of vancomycin resistant Enterococcus, and cancer, LSUHSC officials feel that Tulane is the source, this time of evil twins. Howard Cline, Associate Dean of Student Affairs, stated, "It is a well known fact that the majority of our student's evil twins are attending medical school there.....at Tulane. I hate that school!"
Though this controversy may rage on for months, with heated debate and possible lengthy court battles, the newly released LSUHSC campus crime report did show improvements in some areas. Both multiple personality and sleepwalking related crimes fell by over 50%, a record decline for both. Dr. Robert Morton*, Dean of the School of Medicine here in New Orleans, explained, "Tulane is the greatest medical facility in the country and they could never have had anything to do with any of these problems. Go Green Wave!"
*It has since been discovered that I had in fact unintentionally interviewed Dr. Morton's evil twin, Mitch.