Seattle, WA-Gone are the days when a simple cup of coffee came with cream, sugar, and maybe the morning paper. These days, coffee consumers are faced with a growing array of choices. Do you want cream, low-fat soy milk, or vanilla syrup in your cup of joe? How about some whipped cream on top? Banana nut muffin? These options are becoming increasingly familar to caffeine junkies all over this land but what about an implantable chip that will allow coffee giant Starbucks to keep track of your beverage choices, location via a global positioning system, and much more.
"Starbucks is leading the way for businesses to better serve their customer base through some pretty amazing and cutting edge advances in technology," company president Jim Donald explained today in a press conference held at the company's headquarters in Seattle. "Making this all possible is our teaming with IBM, who has produced for us a one of a kind supercomputer that is the most powerful of its kind and capable of crunching through a thousand trillion mathematical operations every second. Keeping track of the spending habits, personal information, whereabouts, and medical information of a few million people shouldn't be a problem."
The chip, which is being manufactured by TriStigma Industries, will be offered to all Starbucks customers on a voluntary first come, first serve basis, and upon consent will be injected into the subcutaneous tissue of the chosen forearm. The chip will then slowly imbed itself into the recipients neuroendocrine system, for monitoring purposes only, and begin to transmit information to the company's orbiting satellite. Plans are already underway to begin challenging laws that require informed consent before placing the chips.
Donald further revealed that "In the very near future, patrons will be able to order and pay for their favorite Starbucks beverage with a mere swiping of their arm under a scanner. The chip's sensors, and the millions of nanobots that will spread throughout the body, will track trends in vital signs, neurotransmitter release, and sexual arousal all in an effort to better serve our customers. But this is just the beginning. Eventually our customers will be scanned as they walk through the door, allowing for our staff to begin preparing their coffee of choice right away. The offensive capabilities of our chips will of course only be used as is deemed necessary by our board of trustees. Starbucks has only your best interests at heart and you have nothing to fear."