Friday, October 12, 2007

Starbucks to Begin Offering Implantable ID Chip.....

Seattle, WA-Gone are the days when a simple cup of coffee came with cream, sugar, and maybe the morning paper. These days, coffee consumers are faced with a growing array of choices. Do you want cream, low-fat soy milk, or vanilla syrup in your cup of joe? How about some whipped cream on top? Banana nut muffin? These options are becoming increasingly familar to caffeine junkies all over this land but what about an implantable chip that will allow coffee giant Starbucks to keep track of your beverage choices, location via a global positioning system, and much more.

"Starbucks is leading the way for businesses to better serve their customer base through some pretty amazing and cutting edge advances in technology," company president Jim Donald explained today in a press conference held at the company's headquarters in Seattle. "Making this all possible is our teaming with IBM, who has produced for us a one of a kind supercomputer that is the most powerful of its kind and capable of crunching through a thousand trillion mathematical operations every second. Keeping track of the spending habits, personal information, whereabouts, and medical information of a few million people shouldn't be a problem."

The chip, which is being manufactured by TriStigma Industries, will be offered to all Starbucks customers on a voluntary first come, first serve basis, and upon consent will be injected into the subcutaneous tissue of the chosen forearm. The chip will then slowly imbed itself into the recipients neuroendocrine system, for monitoring purposes only, and begin to transmit information to the company's orbiting satellite. Plans are already underway to begin challenging laws that require informed consent before placing the chips.

Donald further revealed that "In the very near future, patrons will be able to order and pay for their favorite Starbucks beverage with a mere swiping of their arm under a scanner. The chip's sensors, and the millions of nanobots that will spread throughout the body, will track trends in vital signs, neurotransmitter release, and sexual arousal all in an effort to better serve our customers. But this is just the beginning. Eventually our customers will be scanned as they walk through the door, allowing for our staff to begin preparing their coffee of choice right away. The offensive capabilities of our chips will of course only be used as is deemed necessary by our board of trustees. Starbucks has only your best interests at heart and you have nothing to fear."

14 comments:

The Preemie Experiment said...

Great reporting Zoo!

I'm all for it! A chip that reads my mood and tells the staff what to make for me??

You mean I won't have to waste my time telling the clerk what I want, only to have them get it wrong!

Woo Hoo!!

Juan Valdez said...

Yes, it will be most convenient for all of us, especially when the illusion of free will is revealed. But we will be powerless to stop them at that point. You see, they will have all of the chips. Or rather we will, huaaaahaahahahaaahaa!

Sid Schwab said...

I think that's the kind they put in my dog. Whenever I take him with me to Starbucks, there's a venti pussycat macchiato waiting for me.

Sid Schwab said...

I should have added this: my uncle was one of the first subjects on whom they tried a prototype implant. In fact, he agreed to the process also with Nordstrom, Burger King, Bloomingdales, and several others. Eventually he had around a dozen chips in each forearm. He was quite delighted with the simplicity; but after he went to a Rolling Stones concert he found that due to the nearness of his forearms to each other during applause, he'd charged over $40,000 to his Mastercard.

Zoo Knudsen said...

Hence the growing popularity of Chipware, accessories that can be neatly screwed into the spinal column and which help to regulate the activity of multiple implants. Experts predict that Chipware devices will weight less than 50lbs by the end of the decade. What an age we live in!

Anonymous said...

i am confused.

what does this have to do with micro-chipping pet chinchillas? Why has this post shown up as a "must read" on the international chinchilla message board?

I am going to sip my chai macchiato and ponder for a while but I am pissed as hell.

Knudsen, you are full of it and I do not mean skim latte

Zoo Knudsen said...

Hogwash! My sources are impecable on this story and I stand by it. And I didn't mention anything about pets, that was discussed in a previous comment. I don't think that animals should drink coffee with the obvious exception of badgers. It's bad for their hearts or something. I'll have to look into it. Also, I don't know what a chincilla is. A kind of blanket?

Rolf said...

This has to be a hoax. An implantable chip cannot transmit info to a satellite. Besides, only Digital
Angel Corp has the technology to implant chips in humans.

Zoo Knudsen said...

Chips are implanted in dogs. Is the canine physiology so different that the technology of implanting chips in humans is that out of reach. I think perhaps that you work for some rival company and are trying to spread misinformation. Not on my website sir, not ever. I have a strict no misinformation policy. Harumph!

Jae said...

Get your heads out of the sand. Google RFID chips. People do you just believe what you're told or do you do your own research?? The chip is already in some people and it is in all new US passports. The national ID card comes next, then the implanted chip.

You probably also know nothing about the North American Union or the SPP.

Watch this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vuBo4E77ZXo

More imperative is what is contained in Directive 51, which Bush signed in May, 2007. GOOGLE IT!!

Zoo Knudsen said...

So what is the problem. If I just follow the rules, then my chip won't be deactivated and I can buy stuff. May 2008 is coming up soon so I guess we'll have to start getting those new IDs any day now.

Anonymous said...

this whole chip thing is STUPID. and i cant believe the president of the united states is for this. and he claims he's a christian.
People read the bible, read the Koran, read all the good books, they all talk of this all of them... this is so dumb and people think they are so smart to go along with it. well if one day everyone is forced to get this implant, I will not receive it.
point blank. people this is against everything "freedom for all" stands for......

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how much people do not know! I will never take the chip implant- I have been taught about this since I was a child. It's all in Revelation in the Bible if you will just read it! Don't let the world blind you to the truth! Don't take the mark of the beast!

Ned Flanders said...

Yes, eat all of our shirts!